What have I done?!?!?

[sweng3764]

27 years ago, I was a single 26 year old who started having an affair with a 26 year old married man. He had been married for 7 years and had two small children. At the time, we were both extremely selfish people thinking only of ourselves and within TWO MONTHS of meeting, he had left his wife and moved in with me. We fancied ourselves madly in love and didn't even consider the damage we were doing. All we cared about was our own happiness and in the end, after the mess of the divorce was over, we settled into a nice life together.

 

Fast forward five years later and (surprise, surprise) he left me for a friend of mine who he had been having an affair with. It felt like I had been kicked in the gut and I didn't think I would EVER get over it. That was when I realized how much pain I must have caused his wife -- a young woman with two small children. How could I have done that to another person? It took me a while to get over him and the fact that I had done that to another human being, but in the end, I was a changed person. I realized you can't find happiness built on the unhappiness of others, and karma is a bitch. I have never gotten involved with another unavailable man since and would be the first person to tell you how destructive affairs really are.

 

Anyway, after the breakup, I quit my job, moved away, went back to school -- basically started my life over. Because I was good friends with the woman who married his brother (we actually fixed the two of them up), I would periodically hear about what he was up to. I know he married the woman he cheated on me with and she cheated on him two years later (karma), after which they divorced. In 2003, he married another woman 10 years his senior who I was told had money. He took over his father's business after his father's death in 2008. As for me, I met a man in 2003 that I settled down with. I never quite felt like I wanted to marry him, but we have settled into a comfortable (if not somewhat boring) life. I bought a floundering software company in 2011 and have built it into a successful business and have concentrated most of my efforts on that these past few years.

 

So, imagine my complete and total shock when in May 2017, I get a phone call at the office out of the blue from HIM. He evidently did an online search for my name and my company website came up. When I picked up the phone, the first thing he said was "How in the hell did you become President of a company?!?" I knew instantly who it was and I couldn't even speak. I didn't know what to say. He proceeded to talk my ear off -- talking VERY rapidly -- I couldn't get a word in edgewise (I think he was nervous). He basically caught me up on his entire life since the last time we had spoken 21 years ago. As for me, I didn't say much. What the hell would I say?!? I couldn't believe he was calling me. I did tell my boyfriend about the phone call. He thought it was just as odd as I thought it was. After that initial phone call, I tried to forget about it.

 

Two months later, I get a text message. It's him again. Reminiscing. "Remember 27 years ago when you asked me that question..." "Remember how broke we were when we were living in that tiny one-bedroom apartment?" "I've thought about you so much over the years." "We always had so much fun together." "I can't believe that we're both 52 now; where have the years gone?" Remember this, remember that -- blah, blah, blah. The problem is, it was WORKING! I was remembering. And it was NICE to remember. Keep in mind I TRULY loved this man. He is probably the last man I was absolutely head over heels in love with. He then asked me "the question." Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend. I told him NO, I never had -- that I had never done anything like that since him and wasn't planning on it. He then told me he would like to get together with me and if I ever changed my mind to please let him know. Unlike the phone call, I never told my boyfriend about this exchange.

 

Two months later, another text. More reminiscing. Now telling me how unhappily married he is. How he doesn't love his wife anymore but he feels responsible for her. Blah, blah, blah! He's pulling me in!! I am a 52 year old successful business woman with a good head on my shoulders. How in the hell am I falling for this **** again?!?

 

Two months later, a Happy Birthday text. Can we get together just for dinner? It would be so nice to see you again. Blah, blah, blah. And then, you guessed it, I made plans to have dinner with him the following month. I met him at a restaurant on 12/29 when my boyfriend was out of town. WHY, WHY, WHY did I do this?!? We had dinner, talked, drank copious amounts of alcohol. It was so nice to see him and the more I drank, the nicer it was to see him again. He complimented me non-stop -- told me how beautiful I still was. How much he had missed me. So, when he kissed me, I didn't resist and went right over to his hotel with him. I'm such an IDIOT!! Of course, it was fantastic (we had always had a fantastic sex life). I dozed off afterwards for just a short while and when I woke up, I was completely freaked out and couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

After that, he started texting me constantly. And if that's not bad enough, I hooked up with him again last week. I want to forget this ever happened and just go on with my life. I'm sick to my stomach all the time. I'm losing weight. What in God's name is wrong with me? Why would I do this with him of all people?!? What have I done?

 

Go ahead, let me have it. I obviously need somebody to let me have it. I think I've completely lost my mind. Help me come to my senses!!

[DKT3]

What's wrong with you? You never dealt with that part of you that feels you can have whatever you want no matter what consequences others have to face because of your actions. Guilt and shame only last so long, once they are gone those same flaws that caused them are still there.

[Zahara]

I think you should tell your boyfriend about what has happened. In your dull existence with him, you likely got enticed by this new found attention but cheating is NEVER an excuse. End it with your boyfriend and allow him the chance to move on to someone honest.

 

You know what you are doing. No need to come to your senses. Cheating is a choice. A selfish and conscious act.

 

I just feel sorry for all the people that have been trampled by the two of you.

[skywriter]

Welcome to Loveshack, sweng3764,

 

I'm kind of at a loss for words, since you've already been through the A pain, the karma of having him cheat on you. Just wow, WTH?

 

I mean damn, why are you allowing this man to take your power away? It's humiliating, and even worse, you have this good man, that loves you and

you are screwing it up for a POS!

 

Sorry, I ain't judging, cause I'm a FOW, and it's like having the monkey off my back, to say former. Like you, I've moved on to a good relationship and when I was reading your post, I was thinking please don't say you went back to that guy.

 

So, what now? You need to take a stroll down memory pain?

Edited January 16, 2018 by skywriter

[Bluebelle38]

He's some piece of work.

 

Be single and stay away from this lying, cheating scumbag. You are also what he is. Sorry, but your "boring" bf deserves better than this.

[Scoutjr]

Have you considered that he may be a narcissist? This is what they do...immediately cut all contact with him. Check out narcsite.com.

They always come back.

 

I don't have any advice as to what to tell your boyfriend (partner). I am in the same boat there.

[BaileyB]

I don't think we need to "let you have it."

 

I think you know exactly what you are doing... And, you chose to do it anyway.

 

Now, you will deal with the consequences. Good luck.

Edited January 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[treehugger12]

Ughhh.... after all these years;( you were there and you understood where you’d gone wrong...and then to do it all over again....good grief! I’m not quite in your shoes but I have had a brief fling/affair and I have tried and been succeeding getting over my xMM the last several months. I have to admit knowing the “hot and wild sex” we would have had, I probably would cave too but dang, we’re talking years here. No judgment here because I’m not sure I could say “NO” to my xMM, just hoping he never “initiates” it again. Sorry your going through this all over again... but seriously this guy is a narcissist. How dare he work his way into your life again! This guy is toxic for you! He is the devil! Your a strong woman, look what you’ve accomplished since he’s been out of your life, you made a mistake, your human, fix it now with your man and get rid of this toxic loser once and for all, he is the devil, he sees your weakness, shut the door and don’t ever let him back in again, be strong, you can do it. Praying for you, good luck.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think we need to "let you have it."

 

I think you know exactly what you are doing... And, you chose to do it anyway.

 

Now, you will deal with the consequences. Good luck.

 

Agreed. Thank goodness there are no children involved (on your side at least).

[anika99]

So this guy hasn't changed at all. Serial cheater still up to his serial cheating ways. Cheated his way out of his first marriage, cheated his way out of his relationship with you, now cheating his way out of his current marriage. Probably cheated on the woman who he claims cheated on him too.

 

Doesn't seem like you changed either. You were the OW, now you're the OW and a cheater. You say 27yrs ago you were both incredibly selfish people thinking only of yourselves. Well it appears that you are both still those people.

 

I agree that you need to tell your boyfriend and let him decide how he wants to live his life. You don't talk about him as if you're in love with him so do the decent thing and at least give him the truth.

[LilySun]

He probably feels guilty after getting a taste of his own medicine and thinks he's making it up to you this way, or should I say making it up to himself. He is getting a lot of satisfaction knowing that he is able to steer you away from your current relationship. It's helping his ego that was probably damaged when someone finally cheated on him.

 

This guy needs the ego boost your giving and he doesn't care who it hurts. Now you have to tell your BF and your relationship will suffer, if not end, because this guy needs you to feel better about himself.

[S2B]

You haven't learned a thing.

 

Save your boyfriend from your pain you're going to inflict upon him. End that relationship.

 

It's funny that you said he texted you after that first phone call to your office = YOU actually gave him your cell number! Oh, imagine that - he sent you a text.

 

 

Man, it's so easy for guys to get gals to sleep with them - they talk and reminisce and the gal does anything he wants... including forfeiting her self pride. Stop acting all innocent like you didn't know you would do it - you purposely did it the second time! It was calculated.

 

Maybe you two belong together after all. Maybe he realized you are worth money and wants you to support him? Maybe he just wants another affair out of someone he knew was his easy target?

 

Who knows? If you want to learn about yourself - get a professional to help you.

[Poppy47]

Shame on him for fooling you once, Shame on you for allowing him to fool you twice.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but what fairy land are you living in?

 

You two have already wrecked one family, he was unfaithful to you and you have hooked up with him again.

 

Inbloodycredible!!!!!!

 

Poppy.

[BourneWicked]

I'll throw in some sympathy. We only live once, and most of us make piles of bad decisions somewhere along the line. But I think you're pretty clear on knowing where this will end up... so it's definitely in your best interest not to continue. A few good nights here and there aren't going to make up for the inevitable heartbreak and pain.

[wmacbride]

{snip} Fast forward five years later and (surprise, surprise) he left me for a friend of mine who he had been having an affair with. It felt like I had been kicked in the gut and I didn't think I would EVER get over it. That was when I realized how much pain I must have caused his wife -- a young woman with two small children. How could I have done that to another person? It took me a while to get over him and the fact that I had done that to another human being, but in the end, I was a changed person. I realized you can't find happiness built on the unhappiness of others, and karma is a bitch. I have never gotten involved with another unavailable man since and would be the first person to tell you how destructive affairs really are. {snip}

 

 

He's sure got you spinning.

 

You know what this guy is lie, and the man you love(d) isn't real. he's what your mind created.

 

His first wife was likley not a terrible person. She was probably just an average woman, just like you were when he cheated on you. You've seen what he can do and just how dishonest he is.

 

This is why I really believe it makes so much sense of a woman or man who gets involved in an affair ( be it a ws or ow/om) to either get some counseling or do some heavy duty introspection to find out why they allowed it to happen in the first place. That can prevent a lot of heartache in the future.

Edited January 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[sdraw108]

I'll throw in some sympathy. We only live once

 

Yes, but the poor boyfriend only gets to live once as well, and he's currently unknowingly wasting his one life with someone who has spent a lifetime being dishonest.

[BTDT2012]

This man is not the one that got away. He is a serial cheater. What does he have, a golden penis? This man is looking for the opportunity to suck up your resources. Tell you boyfriend what's going on, and get yourself into counseling to figure out why you are falling for this nonsense.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Gee, all the hard work of starting your life over then building it and eventually enjoying the fruits of your labor! Is there any history of self-sabotaging? Hate to see you throw away your hard work for a "feeling" when you already know how this story ends. Do what you know is best for you, if you don't want to protect how far you've come, then indulge in some fun. Just remember how it ends.

[Be_Strong]

sweng3764,

Pay very close attention, because I’m going to give you valuable advice that you need to follow. Everyone here telling you that you are screwing up and how could you be so stupid isn’t going to do you any good, because you already know that. You are caught in a conflict where your mind is pulling you in opposite directions.

 

You will have weak moments and you will have strong moments. That is the first thing you need to recognize. If you don’t, you will continually have these setbacks where you do something that you don’t want to do.

 

Your goal should be to take steps when you’re having your strong moments to insulate yourself from being able to take actions when you’re weak. Have you ever seen a movie where a character has multiple personalities and the personalities fight for control (like Fight Club or Me, Myself & Irene)? When you’re strong, take steps to thwart your weaker self.

 

For example, in a strong moment when you realize how wrong the affair is, block your ex’s number and delete it from your phone. Of course, the absolute most effective thing you could do is come completely clean with your boyfriend and the ex’s current wife. It’s probably time for you to have a second restart in your life. Unfortunately, a new life is usually reborn out of terrible pain and loss in the old life.

[Popsicle]

Tell him "Don't ever contact me again" then block him.

 

Fretting over what you did to his wife didn't seem to be enough. You should fret over what you did to yourself.

[sweng3764]

DKT3, I have no idea what's wrong with me. That's the problem. I obviously have some pretty ****ing major flaws.

[sandylee1]

I think you need to tell your BF or end it with him You knew he wanted sex from the beginning and made no attempt to block him... you were enjoying it.

 

You don't have a deep love for your boyfriend. Not in the slightest.

 

I don't see that you've changed at all ... apart from being older and richer.

 

This is very sad.