Recovery--"work" in progress

[MJJean]

Vivir, I'm envious too of MMs wife. I imagine his sweetness, kindness and cleverness at home, and am jealous that she gets that day in and day out.

 

Not a MM, but I was once both a BW and a WW.

 

My exH could be sweet and charming...in small doses. He talked a good game, too, and gave the impression of being a great guy. Truth was, he lied about lying, was hugely irresponsible, was a filthy slob, didn't help with the house or the kids at all, was occasionally physically abusive, and so on. No, really, I could go on. Point is, the "great guy" a few of his OW believed him to be didn't exist.

 

For my end, I had OM who thought I hung the moon. Yet, at home with exH, I was a totally different person. I was a bitter shrew stuck in a "for the kids" marriage to someone I loathed and only acted like Mrs. Sunshine when people were around.

 

There was a LOT of keeping up appearances.

 

 

 

Oh and today hasn't been stellar: I heard him in the hall talking about the new car his wife just got. I was floored -- it doesn't get any fancier. I thought to myself, "I'm just a plain boring SUV and she's a fancy Range Rover." I am still trying to let go of that way of thinking.

 

And all she has to do to keep that awesome vehicle is remain married to a liar and cheater who has zero actual love and respect for her.

[sunrise_sunset]

LOL MJ. I put xMM up so high on a pedestal, he was like some kind of God after a while -- what was that line from Footloose? "You can lift a congregation up so high, they have to look down to see heaven." My xMM could do no wrong by me, for such a long time. I thought EVERYTHING he did was amazing. It's crazy. The obsession and the fog can actually turn people into non-human beings! I'm away from that fog for nearly a month now, and my days are so much calmer....well, my nights are anyway. Full NC for close to a month, and limited LC still at the office. No more contact this week at work, outside of those couple of attempts to engage -- to which I literally quickened my step and kept it professional as I zipped away!

 

I realized as I drove home tonight that I made it through the WEEK. It's the first week I haven't tried to just get to the next day. There's this little lingering piece of my mind that says, "Slow down honey, you are still so new to all of this, it hasn't been THAT long..." -- but when the fear or doubt or sadness starts to creep in, I'm coming here. I'm reading. I'm listening. And I have to continue to hold myself accountable here! It is all helping...

[Poppy47]

Vivir, I'm envious too of MMs wife. I imagine his sweetness, kindness and cleverness at home, and am jealous that she gets that day in and day out. In reality, he's probably gone from home a lot, flirting with his female coworkers, trying to shirk out of changing poopy diapers (there's a romantic image) and doing generally whatever he wants when he can get away with it. So I try to remind myself that I don't know the reality of what his wife has to deal with. I try to imagine it's not great. But then I remember that their marriages aren't usually as bad as they make them out to be, and I'm just sad. Oh well.

 

Sunrise_Sunset - we are in the same place I feel. The LC has been so much better for me. I've cut off all contact at home and made myself unavailable outside of work hours. It's helped me return to some sort of normalcy. Same with the boundary making. Before, when he was doing some pseudo relationship and contacting me whenever he wanted - well, it's completely crazy making. Before, I felt like he was putting me in a box. Now, I feel like I don't have a box... if anything, I put him in a box that only exists in my work life.

 

(So that sounds healthy. Now I'm just compartmentalizing too? But really... it has been helpful for me to realize exactly how little any of his life has to do with me.)

 

And yeah, it's okay.

 

Why would you envy his wife?

The grubs is using her love and trust to betray her.... Is that what you want for yourself?

I think you should aim higher for yourself.

 

Poppy.

[sunrise_sunset]

Oh man. I had a big ole' setback tonight...just after posting earlier, too! Was out with kids and MM spotted me driving. He called my cell (which is used for both work and personal) -- and I picked UP. I remember staring at the number and just clicking it on. I don't even remember thinking twice about that, either. Anyway, it was this weird, brief chat -- kind of like "What are YOU doing around here?" "Me? What are YOU doing here?" -- neither of us lives in the immediate area, and after a couple of awkward laughs about it being such a coincidence and we were saying goodbye, I blurted out, "Call me later" -- as I would have always done in the past. I immediately regretted it, and he didn't even acknowledge it -- just blew it off to the side and quickly said good night -- I did the same and just about hung up on him. It's almost as if both of us realized we weren't supposed to be having this conversation. Oh but it threw me off my game, and it was so hard to return to my kids and concentrate on THEM. But I did. And I'm ok. And all these awful feelings will pass, right?

 

Sigh. Back to OOO NC (out of office no contact?) tomorrow. I feel lousy, in the words of ScoutJr.

[Grey Cloud]

Oh man. I had a big ole' setback tonight...just after posting earlier, too! Was out with kids and MM spotted me driving. He called my cell (which is used for both work and personal) -- and I picked UP. I remember staring at the number and just clicking it on. I don't even remember thinking twice about that, either. Anyway, it was this weird, brief chat -- kind of like "What are YOU doing around here?" "Me? What are YOU doing here?" -- neither of us lives in the immediate area, and after a couple of awkward laughs about it being such a coincidence and we were saying goodbye, I blurted out, "Call me later" -- as I would have always done in the past. I immediately regretted it, and he didn't even acknowledge it -- just blew it off to the side and quickly said good night -- I did the same and just about hung up on him. It's almost as if both of us realized we weren't supposed to be having this conversation. Oh but it threw me off my game, and it was so hard to return to my kids and concentrate on THEM. But I did. And I'm ok. And all these awful feelings will pass, right?

 

Sigh. Back to OOO NC (out of office no contact?) tomorrow. I feel lousy, in the words of ScoutJr.

 

Sunrise - these setbacks are common in the early days. I’m sure people will write that you shouldn’t have answered the phone in the first place but the truth is your hearts pounds, you freeze and are paralysed by indecision in that very moment.

 

More importantly, it’s what you choose to do NOW moving forwards that counts the most. You either dwell on it, start feeling nostalgic and start missing him or you go **** happens, the situation is not going to change and straight back into NC.

 

There is great danger in the couple of laughs you shared (awkward as they were!), because it’s very easy to slip back in to what used to feel normal and to view the interaction as more then it really was.

[sunrise_sunset]

**** happens, Grey! I'm 100% taking that approach. I'm clearer today, and there was no follow-up phone call last night. I feel relief. You were totally right regarding that moment when the number popped up...totally paralyzed -- like WTF is THIS? In that same moment I was clicking it on. However, this phone situation is a struggle. All our colleagues use their main phone for both personal and professional, so it's not something I can block. Everything else is with social media, and there is very little email communication.

 

Anyway, the weekend is full -- I filled it up with activities with my children and friends, and we keep moving forward.

[Scoutjr]

 

You can't give up any addiction by indulging occasionally. This is no different.

 

Poppy.

 

I think you are exactly right, Poppy. I found out by trying to reach out, but getting nothing in return. Now I have to start all over!

 

Sunrise/Sunset - I admire that you were the one to pull the plug. In my case, I was discarded, and that is the part that hurts the most. Good luck to you!!

[Vivir]

Sunrise_sunset, I agree with Grey_Cloud about the call. In the early stages, it can be quite difficult not to answer when the the call(s) come through. I felt compelled to answer his calls, mostly because if the shoe had been on the other foot, I would want him to answer mine... Eventually, after telling him that we couldn't talk, I had to block xMM's number... and then force myself not to look at the list of recent blocked calls... and then busy my mind so that I wouldn't think about the fact that he wasn't calling me... it has taken me quite a while not to expect to hear from him and not to become sad when his number is not in the recent blocked calls list. Now, it is normal for me to think about it in passing and then quickly move on to something else.

 

Why would you envy his wife?

The grubs is using her love and trust to betray her.... Is that what you want for yourself?

 

Well, Poppy, when you put it like that...

 

Of course, you're right, but for me, well, it took me a minute (and a lot of reading on here) to learn that it was her trust in him that he used to become involved with me. He was one way with me, and I imagined him to be the same with her. But like MJJean wrote, it is very possible that he was that and ALL of the exact opposite, too, with his wife. I can't possibly know how he is or was with her. But... the fact remains that she trusted him, and if she hadn't she might not have let him out of her sight at all.