I am being blackmailed by pervert colleague.

[SoulCat]

So this troglodyte HR woman publicly gropes and assaults a statuesque Amazonian such as yourself in full view of others and nobody bats an eyelid?

 

You've stored masturbation videos and other inappropriate material on your work computer and somehow this HR ogre 'hacked' you? Then she fully admits this to you even though what she did is a sackable, if not criminal offence? And your her superior? And you've not reported this to anyone?

 

 

No disrespect OP but call me Thomas. Doubting Thomas.

[Raidar]

This creepy short skinny woman hasn't pushed me into having sex so far.

 

Presumably if she does, your colleagues will just stand idly by and say "I was wondering what the commotion over by the photocopier was, but it's just the HR woman having sex with Stella. It seems to be non consensual, but according to Stella they have a strange bond. Oh well. Anybody for a cup of tea?"

 

She is always slapping or grinding on my ass.

 

Does she stand on a box?

[CommittedToThis]

It sounds like OP is dealing with someone with a Cluster B personality disorder, possibly narcissistic personality disorder. Just a wild guess.

 

I, too, am failing to grasp the intricacies of this "bond" and find it creepy to say the least. Sorry you somehow found yourself in this situation, OP, but it's up to you to report it.

 

Go "grey rock" (look it up) with her for starters, stop engaging her on every level except work-related, and make a plan to report her.

 

All the best.

[stella1979]

First thing I would like to say, when you write such a long post could you make it reader friendly by forming short paragraphs? This is very hard to read. Trust me as I have been a copywriter for year

 

Now on the topic at hand two obvious questions; why don't you want to report this to police? And why would you have such content on your work computer?

 

She definitely has a huge problem and she feels a weak link in you that she's taking advantage of.

 

If being your subordinate still doesn't scare her to blackmail you it's because she must be feeling that you are scared. It is never good to let someone dominate you in such way, because things could go so way out of control.

 

Even if you're scared I would suggest that either you report this to the police of you find a way to show her that you're strong and won't take this any longer. If not God knows how far this could go...

This woman H R manager is threatening me that my parents,their friends and my extended family will receive video on which I am masturbating.My parents are prominent well- respected members of the community.Just about everyone knows them.

[Haydn]

Call her bluff.

 

Tell her to do it. (Trump style)

 

When it all blows over, adopt the attire of a widow for a few weeks at work.

[Space Ritual]

I just have to ask...

 

In what realm of reality do you reside in that you would think it wise to keep videos of your shenanigans on a company computer?

 

This stands above everything else, as the most foolhardy thing about the entire story.

 

Most if not ALL companies have policies about personal use of company computers and other devices. Certainly you reviewed and signed this agreement when you began working there. Remember?

 

Keeping such things on a work computer not only flies in the face of good business policy, it also flies in the face of common sense.

 

Frankly, you really have no one to blame but yourself for this. Had you not kept that stuff on a work computer, once the harassment started, you could have had a much better hand to play when reporting to and requesting disciplinary action.

 

You probably need to bite the bullet on the embarrassment and challenge this person to go right ahead. IF you ave the incidents of unwanted touching documented, then the outcome of this might have been far different.

 

In any event. I hope you have learned a lesson how to conduct yourself on company time. And perhaps in the future, to undertake some critical thinking that you failed to do when you put this stuff on your computer.

 

This is the kind of stuff that happens in Car Washes and Telemarketing call centers. Which at the rate you are going, will be your next destination if you don't don't start using your head for something other than a hat rack.

You cannot control anyone else but yourself.

 

If I were you, I'd be seeking new employment like yesterday. This is going to end with your dismissal probably no matter what you do, so strike while the iron is hot, call her bluff and get your resume updated.

 

Good Luck

[preraph]

How did she get ahold of the videos? Did she get them off social media? I can't imagine you'd purposefully upload them to a work computer you knew they had access to. Either way, I'd go to the police. Masturbating isn't illegal. Blackmail is. Sexual harassment is. But if you foolishly brought those videos into the workplace yourself, there will be consequences for you as well.

[stella1979]

What more damage can be done to your reputation considering this woman is sexually assaulting you in front of co-workers and you're going around telling them that you just have a "weird bond" like that? Not to make you feel worse, but I'm sure you're office fodder over the lunchroom given all that odd behavior. I don't know how the power structure is in your office, but you don't want to make it look like you're sexually inappropriate at work, too. Your appearance will already make you a target in that regard for the jealous types.

 

Were you storing inappropriate files on your work computer? Or did she use your work info/e-mail to get access to your personal e-mail?

 

You need to start documenting everything that has occurred at specific dates and times with this woman, including when you're working at home after leaving work early to tend to your daughter. Cover your ass. Document everything somewhere and start with the date and all the details that you can recall from that first confrontation. Start publicly expressing that her advances are unwelcome when she does it in front of your co-workers. You need witnesses that this isn't welcome. Do you have any close friends among your co-workers? If it becomes your word against hers you may need to consider that some people around you will be interviewed about your reactions.

 

Go to a lawyer pronto and get advice about your situation, when to involve the police, and how to fire her.

I stored videos and pictures of me and other personal material on my work computer.How stupid of me.I'm not really sure what to do at this point.This woman H R manager has stepped up her efforts in making my life hell. Watching everything I do, looking for any mistake I make.She keeps getting worse. She interferes when I speak with my subordinates, ridicules me and always looks for opportunities to show she is better than me.She is a strong and forceful person, with definite ideas of how everything should be done.And to people who are making fun, i know i was stupid for being trapped by this pervert woman H R manager.I can't change it now. I am in a mess and i do not have any option aside from doing as i am told. I find it extremely annoying to always have some one in my space like that. This is not a made up story but a mess i am stuck in.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I stored videos and pictures of me and other personal material on my work computer.How stupid of me.I'm not really sure what to do at this point.This woman H R manager has stepped up her efforts in making my life hell. Watching everything I do, looking for any mistake I make.She keeps getting worse. She interferes when I speak with my subordinates, ridicules me and always looks for opportunities to show she is better than me.She is a strong and forceful person, with definite ideas of how everything should be done.And to people who are making fun, i know i was stupid for being trapped by this pervert woman H R manager.I can't change it now. I am in a mess and i do not have any option aside from doing as i am told. I find it extremely annoying to always have some one in my space like that. This is not a made up story but a mess i am stuck in.

 

How long have you worked here? Can you go to a higher-up and make a confession about what you did? (I mean, I assume it's totally against the rules to be using a personal work computer for what you used it for)

[Space Ritual]

And to people who are making fun, i know i was stupid for being trapped by this pervert woman H R manager.I can't change it now. I am in a mess and i do not have any option aside from doing as i am told. I find it extremely annoying to always have some one in my space like that. This is not a made up story but a mess i am stuck in.

 

I, nor do I think anyone else is making fun of you on purpose. Quite to the contrary....

 

We want you to get out front of this while you may still have some small but ever closing window of hope that you can keep this job. If you do nothing and just allow this to run it's course, you don't have a shot in hell of keeping it. PLUS you risk any future prospective employer finding out about it if you are being considered for another position at another company.

 

Because everyone and their brother knows that although officially in some states prospective employers can't officially ask former employers why someone was terminated, that is thrown out the window when someone asks "unofficially"...and all companies do it.

 

So call her bluff, fall on the proverbial sword for your bosses and suck it up in teh short term as best as you can.

 

Because down the road, a company would be more than happy to limit their exposure to a lawsuit by getting rid of a Company Officer with a trail of sexual harassment.

 

If pressed you can offer up that getting rid of a bigger fish to save their bottom line is preferable over canning the little guppy who stored vids on her computer, this leaving this harasser to do this again to somebody else..

 

You CAN indeed get through this and potentially save your hide..but as I said, that window is closing fast..so get off your duff, and get the info to somebody in the company who really needs to know...like the board of directors or upper echelon officers.

 

So get off your keyboard and go deal with this TODAY. It will be uncomfortable as hell, but you need to eat, and I doubt you want to have 3 meals a day consisting of a Hot Bowl of steam. Which is what unemployed people tend to eat a lot of.

 

DO SOMETHING!!!!

[Space Ritual]

I am an hourglass and love the look of satin and silk blouses but have hard time finding ones that show off my waist, as the loose and floaty blouses are all the rage. The Mad Men tie front blouses work well for me. Another thing I will do when blouses don't have enough shape when I buy them is to belt them with a medium width stretchy belt, or tuck them in to a higher waisted skirt. I can wear satin woven button-downs.Here are some brands with woven stuff that tend to work for my proportions to try: Ann Taylor / LOFT, NY&co, sometimes-but-not-always Banana Republic, Zara. None are guaranteed, but all are worth a shot!Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on.Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative.Express satin button-up shirts (the long-sleeved “essential” ones) work well for me. There’s enough room in the bust, and the shirt nips in at the waist without tailoring.My latest shirts even arrived with a snap sewn where shirts might be inclined to gape (though I’ve not had that problem)!

 

Word of warning: You will need an iron. I can’t beat it for the price, though. Ilike the Kohls 212 button downs (& a lot of their other blouses, I have several of their print shells)the petite large is big enough in the bust (& small enough in the shoulders) to fit me without any tailoring (they are marginally large in the waist, but not excessive because of the vertical seaming).

 

Do you really think in the big picture of things that your preference for heels and blouses is going to make one bit of difference?

 

PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS..Jesus H. Christ!

[stella1979]

I, nor do I think anyone else is making fun of you on purpose. Quite to the contrary....

 

We want you to get out front of this while you may still have some small but ever closing window of hope that you can keep this job. If you do nothing and just allow this to run it's course, you don't have a shot in hell of keeping it. PLUS you risk any future prospective employer finding out about it if you are being considered for another position at another company.

 

Because everyone and their brother knows that although officially in some states prospective employers can't officially ask former employers why someone was terminated, that is thrown out the window when someone asks "unofficially"...and all companies do it.

 

So call her bluff, fall on the proverbial sword for your bosses and suck it up in teh short term as best as you can.

 

Because down the road, a company would be more than happy to limit their exposure to a lawsuit by getting rid of a Company Officer with a trail of sexual harassment.

 

If pressed you can offer up that getting rid of a bigger fish to save their bottom line is preferable over canning the little guppy who stored vids on her computer, this leaving this harasser to do this again to somebody else..

 

You CAN indeed get through this and potentially save your hide..but as I said, that window is closing fast..so get off your duff, and get the info to somebody in the company who really needs to know...like the board of directors or upper echelon officers.

 

So get off your keyboard and go deal with this TODAY. It will be uncomfortable as hell, but you need to eat, and I doubt you want to have 3 meals a day consisting of a Hot Bowl of steam. Which is what unemployed people tend to eat a lot of.

 

DO SOMETHING!!!!

This awful woman H R manager constantly makes joking remarks to belittle or discredit me in front of my subordinates.She singles me out and responds to nearly 99% of what I say with joking sarcasm to stern aggressive disagreement.

 

And if I agree with her, she advertises that as her own intellectual victory over me (including remarks like "There you have it, I am always right!" or "In your face!")

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This awful woman H R manager constantly makes joking remarks to belittle or discredit me in front of my subordinates.She singles me out and responds to nearly 99% of what I say with joking sarcasm to stern aggressive disagreement.

 

And if I agree with her, she advertises that as her own intellectual victory over me (including remarks like "There you have it, I am always right!" or "In your face!")

 

I think we all got that. What are you going to do about it?

[Raidar]

I stored videos and pictures of me and other personal material on my work computer.How stupid of me. I'm not really sure what to do at this point.

 

While this is a completely insane sounding story, I have a horrible feeling that you might not be kidding around about this. If so, then this HR woman should be first in line for being fired.

 

I take it you've now deleted the inappropriate stuff from your computer? Does your company have a clear policy about downloading or storing pornography at work being something you can be fired for? If it doesn't have that clear policy, then it might be on shaky ground if it tries to fire you. Particularly if all of the pictures are strictly of you and you haven't actually downloaded any pornography....and most of all, since the HR manager has been quietly stashing these pics of you too, without saying anything to the company about it. If anything, that might be the aspect of all of this that prevents you from getting fired.

 

You're describing a situation where the HR manager found this stuff on your pc, hasn't taken any disciplinary steps against you - and is, as you put it, using it to sexually blackmail you. The message appearing to be that unless you put up with her behaviour she's going to expose you for storing this stuff on your pc. Well, as Space Ritual says, that is way more serious behaviour than storing naughty pics and videos of yourself on the company pc....which, while inappropriate, is a victimless activity.

 

Delete all that crap from your computer, if you haven't already done so. Then send the HR woman an email saying "I have told you already that I am uncomfortable about the way you behave towards me. I do not want you touching, groping or making sexual comments towards me. I do not want you demeaning me - whether with sarcasm or with sexual harassment - either in private or around colleagues. There is no excuse for you to behave in this way, and if it doesn't stop immediately then I will be raising a grievance against you."

 

Then, one more step out of line from her and you raise the grievance. If she dares to bring along the video and photos of you to the grievance meeting, how's that going to look? In what inner circle of Hell would any sort of explanation she gave (for quietly hanging onto explicit photos and videos of an employee who's raising a claim of sexual harassment against her) be acceptable to the company?

 

The only thing I can think of is that she might try to claim some consensual relationship between you (and even then, the whole thing would be completely inappropriate)- which is why it's vital that you can show a record of you making it abundantly clear to her that none of this is consensual.

 

If she tries (as she might) to say that you sent her that stuff....again, why would she not have raised the issue before? Your answer to pretty much anything she says about the stuff you had on your pc would be "it was wrong for me to store this on my work pc, and I will never do anything like that again. But you downloaded these pictures, and you held on to them and you used them to intimidate me into saying nothing while you sexually harassed and demeaned me

 

Difficult, stressful, embarrassing or not - these are the things you have to do in order to minimise future negative fall-out from all of this.

 

And I'm not sure - regardless of the cut, length of skirts, etc, that satin is appropriate for the workplace. Too shiny....and yes, there might be women with the attitude to get away with dressing in shiny clothes at work, but since you weren't able to put this sexually rampant woman in her place the very first time she touched you inappropriately then height, hourglass figure etc notwithstanding, I fear you are not one of them.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Raidar

[stella1979]

How long have you worked here? Can you go to a higher-up and make a confession about what you did? (I mean, I assume it's totally against the rules to be using a personal work computer for what you used it for)

I started working for this company in November 2012.I was promoted to office manager in December 2015.I really need this job and this salary.So I'm in constant worry that I'm going to lose my job because of these problems.

[GemmaUK]

It's quite likely you could lose your job for storing the items you did on your work pc.

I've seen people fired for a lot less than that.

You're an office manager and should be advocating the company rules, not abusing company property.

None of this would be happening or be as complicated if you had treated company equipment correctly in the first place.

 

I agree with another poster that wearing silks and satins is not appropriate work attire.

You may want a re-think on that.

[clia]

Wearing tightly fitting silk and satin pants and shirts in a professional setting sounds like something out of a Judith Krantz novel. I can't even picture it.

 

The entire story seems so incredibly far fetched -- particularly given the timeframe of when she started working with you and how quickly she decided to hack into YOUR computer, find your personal videos and pictures, and start blackmailing and sexually harassing you. Why do you think you were such an easy target? How did she know you had such personal videos on your work computer? What aren't you telling us?

 

I also don't understand how her groping you at work is so accepted by your co-workers. You've worked there five years -- do you have any friends at work who you can talk to about this? How is your relationship with your supervisor? I can guarantee people are already talking behind your back.

 

If it is true, it will only continue and get worse if you don't address it. Your options are to find a new job, raise the issue with HR or your supervisor, or perhaps see if you can find a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter. I think it is likely will eventually lose your job over this regardless of which path you take.

Edited January 19, 2018 by clia

[stella1979]

It's quite likely you could lose your job for storing the items you did on your work pc.

I've seen people fired for a lot less than that.

You're an office manager and should be advocating the company rules, not abusing company property.

None of this would be happening or be as complicated if you had treated company equipment correctly in the first place.

 

I agree with another poster that wearing silks and satins is not appropriate work attire.

You may want a re-think on that.

You are totally right it is all my fault.This sociopath woman could ruin my life.I am afraid that i am going to end up jobless and totally degraded in the community.This woman H R manager is threatening me that my parents,their friends and my extended family will receive video on which I am masturbating.My parents are prominent well- respected members of the community.Just about everyone knows them.I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type everything i wear looks tight on me.I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!

The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: "Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!"

If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You are totally right it is all my fault.This sociopath woman could ruin my life.I am afraid that i am going to end up jobless and totally degraded in the community.This woman H R manager is threatening me that my parents,their friends and my extended family will receive video on which I am masturbating.My parents are prominent well- respected members of the community.Just about everyone knows them.I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type everything i wear looks tight on me.I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE!

The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: "Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!"

If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class.

 

I'm still not seeing what you wear or what your body type has to do with this sex video she found of you.

[stella1979]

Wearing tightly fitting silk and satin pants and shirts in a professional setting sounds like something out of a Judith Krantz novel. I can't even picture it.

 

The entire story seems so incredibly far fetched -- particularly given the timeframe of when she started working with you and how quickly she decided to hack into YOUR computer, find your personal videos and pictures, and start blackmailing and sexually harassing you. Why do you think you were such an easy target? How did she know you had such personal videos on your work computer? What aren't you telling us?

 

I also don't understand how her groping you at work is so accepted by your co-workers. You've worked there five years -- do you have any friends at work who you can talk to about this? How is your relationship with your supervisor? I can guarantee people are already talking behind your back.

 

If it is true, it will only continue and get worse if you don't address it. Your options are to find a new job, raise the issue with HR or your supervisor, or perhaps see if you can find a lawyer to send her a cease and desist letter. I think it is likely will eventually lose your job over this regardless of which path you take.

To be totally honest most of the women at work my subordinates don't like me.Probably they think that her groping me and touching me is consensual between us.

[clia]

To be totally honest most of the women at work my subordinates don't like me.Probably they think that her groping me and touching me is consensual between us.

 

What about the men? What about the other managers? Who do you report to? You've worked there five years and are a manager. Why would a new employee target you like this? What aren't you telling us?

 

But answer me this. When you say she "hacked into" your computer, what exactly do you mean? As HR Manager, it strikes me that she may have access to employee computers as part of her role. It's not uncommon for IT or other managers within an organization to check and make sure that employees aren't improperly using their work computers. Is this what you mean? Did she check up on you and catch you with things on your computer that shouldn't have been there, as opposed to "hacking in" to your system? How did she have access to your computer anyway?

 

I truly don't understand why you keep telling us what you wear to work and what you look like. If everything you wear looks tight on you, then you need to buy a bigger size. If you feel like a giant, then stop wearing high heels. All of this focus on how fashionable and attractive you are makes it somewhat less of a mystery as to why your subordinates may not like you.

[anika99]

This is ridiculous. I don't believe for a second that there is some ugly little woman sexually fondling you in front of everyone at work and nobody is saying anything about it. She would have been reported already for that alone. The HR department does not have access to peoples computers. If someone was going to find out what you had on your computer it would have been the IT department.

[Raidar]

If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class.

 

What were you hoping to accomplish with this thread? People have advised you about what to do. It's hard to see what further useful advice anybody could give you. If what you really wanted to talk about is how you look and the clothes you like to wear, couldn't you start another thread for it? What you wear really isn't relevant to the problem you're describing.

[stella1979]

What about the men? What about the other managers? Who do you report to? You've worked there five years and are a manager. Why would a new employee target you like this? What aren't you telling us?

 

But answer me this. When you say she "hacked into" your computer, what exactly do you mean? As HR Manager, it strikes me that she may have access to employee computers as part of her role. It's not uncommon for IT or other managers within an organization to check and make sure that employees aren't improperly using their work computers. Is this what you mean? Did she check up on you and catch you with things on your computer that shouldn't have been there, as opposed to "hacking in" to your system? How did she have access to your computer anyway?

 

I truly don't understand why you keep telling us what you wear to work and what you look like. If everything you wear looks tight on you, then you need to buy a bigger size. If you feel like a giant, then stop wearing high heels. All of this focus on how fashionable and attractive you are makes it somewhat less of a mystery as to why your subordinates may not like you.

It is a female dominated workplace.By dominated we're talking roughly 70% or more.On my floor it is only women.In fact, there are a few all female departments.The few men that do work here are on the other floors. The attention they get from the ladies is hilarious.Over the years more and more women came in and fewer men.Most of the groping and rubbing by this pervert woman H R manager happens when no one is around behind closed doors usually in my own office or in the restroom.

[stella1979]

What were you hoping to accomplish with this thread? People have advised you about what to do. It's hard to see what further useful advice anybody could give you. If what you really wanted to talk about is how you look and the clothes you like to wear, couldn't you start another thread for it? What you wear really isn't relevant to the problem you're describing.

I came here hoping someone can give me some advice, or even some words of comfort.I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am truly lost.This is so upsetting to me I don’t think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears.I feel so foolish and used by this pervert hideous short skinny old sociopath woman H R manager.I am so confused about what is happening to me!Whether or not it is my fault or not!I feel so ashamed.I feel trapped.I keep trying to tell myself I can handle this but really I don’t know.I’m really ashamed.This is all so confusing.I understand that I’m being a wimp.It seems as though she targeted me from the very beginning.I am physically stronger than her.Standing next to me she looks like a midget but she is not intimidated by me.Why?