After the honeymoon period?

[Msday91]

Do people’s true colours come out after the honeymoon period or do they just change?

[RecentChange]

I would argue neither.

 

You take off your Rose colored glasses.

[Gaeta]

If the person change it's because their feeling changed.

 

BF and I have been dating 2 years and he has not changed one bit from when we met. He's as sweet, loving and devoted as he was at our beginning. If he had changed and stopped being kind and helpful than I would conclude his feelings have changed.

 

Yes there is a certain routine settling down after a while but all the good ingredients have to remain: Respect, consideration, selflessness, kindness, and intimacy.

[preraph]

People are on their best behavior early on. Plus add to that that you have to go through some different life situations (car breaks down -- how does he react? Your car breaks down -- does he help you? He's sick, or you're sick. What's he like then?) to really know what someone is like when the going gets tough. So you always need to be with someone long enough to see them in life's touch situations to find out if they're selfish about it or helpful or fly into a rage and blame everyone but themselves. Like wait to find out if he views your illness as an inconvenience to him, rather than has sympathy and tries to help.

 

The period of time isn't set, but I really think you need 2-3 years to really know what someone will be like. Now, Steve Harvey, whose advice is pretty good, once said a guy has a hard time being on his best behavior longer than a couple of months, which is why he likes the "3-month rule" if someone is really only seeking to find the right person to marry. Of course, that's mainly to find out if sex is really all they want. Once you're past that, then you still have to see what kind of person they are in all situations, and I think that's a couple of years or real life, not college or something without nuances. It takes at least that long to even see if they can hold a job.

[basil67]

It depends on the person.

 

Some people don't change much. Sure, the initial rush of endorphins slows down and everything becomes a bit more relaxed (not so much texting!) but they basically stay the same.

 

Some people change a lot. Once they've caught you, they drop the facade they used and become who they really are. It's known as 'Bait and Switch'

 

There are probably many people who also fall in between these two extremes.

 

In short, there is no simple answer to this.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife really hasn't changed much since I met her.

 

To be honest, the (small) problems we've had have probably come from me taking her existing good qualities for granted while expecting her to develop new ones. Not very fair to her and not very rewarding for me.

 

I'd suspect this is what happens much of the time, a spouse can get spoiled and entitled. I was lucky enough to come to my senses...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LilySun]

There is no standard point in time across the board that says when, or if a person changes. But naturally in the beginning we all put our best self forward, then relax when that phase is over. Safe to say our relaxed behavior is our truest selves.

It also depends what you mean by change. In the negative sense, there are many cases where abusers are not even abusive until much later into a relationship, not until after marriage sometimes.

But the normal kind of changes are things like seeing our crabby side or emotional side or small bad habits we didn't know about before. As for when this occurs is different for everyone.

[LuckyM]

My arch rule is that we cannot act against our true character--except in times of crisis when we may rise to the occasion and after the crisis is over, they revert back to their usual selves.

 

Psychologists have found that married couples are happiest early on and then they revert back to their pre-marriage character and moods. In the long run, it is very difficult to change people, though they may quit smoking or drinking for example.