Popsicle Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I have a question for the BS's: What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I have a question for the BS's: What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? No, it wouldn't have. Anyone that can lie like that for years and years is no one I would ever want to be with. Also, very few people are able to do this successfully and not have it affect their bs. The small ways are often the most toxic. It's like slowly being poisoned over time but not knowing why you are sick. In the end, each person has to find their way, and it really comes down to who they want to be as a person. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) I have a question for the BS's: What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? Avoiding pain is not the reason to justify lying. As a BH I would want to know everything. 35 years later the problems and damage is still here and still continue because the trickle-truthing never ended. Actually it did end because my wife refused to tell me any more then a few drops of information. Edited January 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Formatting ~ JC 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 popsicle, What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? That's a difficult question.... I would say that most affairs are discovered or in a few circumstances the BS knows and turns a blind eye to them. I knew something was very wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. I was actually ready to move out because he was being so nasty. So it's possible I would have left anyway without a DD. Who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Least painful probably. Best, no. I like where we are now and the pain was worthwhile. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 (edited) Avoiding pain is not the reason to justify lying. As a BH I would want to know everything. 35 years later the problems and damage is still here and still continue because the trickle-truthing never ended. Actually it did end because my wife refused to tell me any more then a few drops of information. Almost impossible to live with. Jeeze!!!!! Edited January 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Formatting of quote ~ JC 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulCat Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Would that have been the best and least painful option? A resounding NO. I'd be living a lie and not be privy to that lie. I'd be believing in and building on something that wasn't as solid as I believed it to be. The pain of finding out the truth was excruciating, crippling and profound. It changed me. Forever. But it's also helped me grow, be stronger and wiser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 I have a question for the BS's: What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? In our case, something was off, we made up, then she confessed. Had she never had confessed I would have never known. In reality, if I had never known, I think we would have lived happily ever after. What effect not telling would have on her I do not know. There is no doubt without knowing there would have been no pain. Not saying this is the right approach, but, it would have been the path to least pain. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 We've discussed this, although neither of us has ever cheated. We decided that if one of us cheated, got away with it, stopped, and recommitted themselves fully to our relationship (that is, learned from their mistake), we would NOT want to know. It would only cause pain and stress in the relationship for years to come, for no good purpose. We don't care what anyone else would do or want - this would be our preference. If an affair were currently going on, though, we'd want to know if there were a way to find out or be told. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Nope. Honestly we grew so much as a couple, got real and honest in a way I don't think we would have unless it seemed like there was nothing to lose. Glad I found out. (Sometimes I feel like I need to qualify that my husband had a short fling. I believe it's a very different situation than these love affairs that go on for years). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Well, what I do not know will not hurt me, but I think that secrets do come out in the end. Think of it as delayed pain. Do you get hit, close to when it happened, or later? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Least painful probably. Best, no. I like where we are now and the pain was worthwhile. Agreed, no pain no gain. Though in my case, the gain was getting rid of the cheating spouse . What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? You'd still be left, for the rest of your life, knowing something was off and not knowing why... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 Betrayal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There is usually a pattern of behavior that accompanies betrayal, including lies, manipulation and deceit. Whether the partner in the relationship knows or not, these patterns will usually manifest themselves in negative ways that will have a detrimental effect on the relationship, one way or another. Something will always be amiss, or off. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Betrayal doesn’t happen in a vacuum. There is usually a pattern of behavior that accompanies betrayal, including lies, manipulation and deceit. Whether the partner in the relationship knows or not, these patterns will usually manifest themselves in negative ways that will have a detrimental effect on the relationship, one way or another. Something will always be amiss, or off. ^^ I could not agree more. Also, if the WS is spending money on the AP, buying jewellery,clothes/perfume/going to hotels/motels etc this can have financial implications on the marriage. My exH maxed out our joint credit card by spending money on his AP. It was in my name but he was a signatory. When the statements came he paid the minimum amount and destroyed the paperwork. A good job I found out about it all in time before my credit rating was shot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 If I was asked this question in the beginning, I would have said don't want to know. However, seeing what our relationship has become now I say yes. Before her affair our relationship was really just a superficial one, I didn't know how she really was. I had this ideas of who she was and she did her best to be those ideas, but over time grew too timid about showing her true self. Maybe we could have gotten there without the cheating, but we hadn't to that point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 (edited) I have a question for the BS's: What if you could have never found out from your WS or any other way AND you BS stopped the A and the cheating on his/her own and truly got right? Would that have been the best and least painful option? Another thought is that affairs do not happen with just the WS and the AP knowing about the affair. Too many people that could know. WS's family, neighbors, WS co-workers, enabling and co-conspiring people that the WS told about the affair. What if the WS took the AP to my favorite restaurant, the staff would know; I would be left in the dark; snickered at behind my back. WS and I finally go away to the vacation area that I always wanted to and they were already there before me. No, secrets do not make things better. They just hide the truth. The only way to make things better is to know the truth. The marriage is broken. Without the truth the steps necessary to repair the marriage can never be taken. As a broken bone that will not heal right unless it is reset and put into a cast. Acting as if the bone was not broken will never allow the bone to heal properly. Edited January 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Formatting ~ JC Link to post Share on other sites
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