norudder Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 I don't know that three would be any bw on here in these particular circumstances to give their perspective but would appreciate other opinions as well. I've been thinking of contacting her to make an apology. I know it's case by case as to how that would be received but it might have the potential to at least do no harm. First, I haven't been in contact with him. Ignored holiday breadcrumbs. She knows he had an affair and that it was with me. She doesn't care, he was free to do as he pleased. She had her own affairs prior, they mutually confessed around same time, no reconciliation, theyve been separated over a year, she's in a relationship. I don't want to be with him, probably for the same reasons she doesn't. I don't know if she would get anything from knowing he wasn't any better with a different woman. I know I got some satisfaction? validation?, I don't know, something, from knowing my exh didn't change his passive aggressive ways or become more empathetic with his new gf. That I wasn't crazy for divorcing him like he (and some here) wanted me to believe. It's sad too in a way. I wish he would grow and change. Exmm too. If he could reconcile I would truly find it in my heart to be happy for them. I also feel I owe her an apology but don't want it to be selfish. Should I offer it if she's open to receive or let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 you are spending a lot of time thinking about these people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 First, I haven't been in contact with him. Ignored holiday breadcrumbs. She knows he had an affair and that it was with me. She doesn't care, he was free to do as he pleased. She had her own affairs prior, they mutually confessed around same time, no reconciliation, theyve been separated over a year, she's in a relationship. I don't want to be with him, probably for the same reasons she doesn't. Given the circumstances, any apology would just be a microcosm of the affair - all about your feelings at the expense of others. Let it go... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 This apology is only for YOUR benefit. Leave her to get on with her life. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 18, 2018 Author Share Posted January 18, 2018 I've been giving a lot of thought to people I've harmed directly or indirectly in life in general, back to high school even. If it was something truly hurtful I've thought of contacting them as well. Would those apologies be just for my benefit as well? consensus seems to be so. Is there nothing to be said for making amends? Maybe I shouldn't contact them either? Even philanthropic donations or volunteer work can be twisted to be seen as selfish acts that are only done for our own needs to feel a certain way about ourselves. I think intention matters. Just want to point that out for consideration. I'll let it go though as I don't think it would make much difference. Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 I got an "apology" message from the OW. I 100% believe it was to make herself feel better and nothing to do with actual remorse. All it did for me was open a can of worms that I wanted to leave in the past. I wish she never would have contacted me again. Leave it be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 First, I haven't been in contact with him. Ignored holiday breadcrumbs. She knows he had an affair and that it was with me. She doesn't care, he was free to do as he pleased. She had her own affairs prior, they mutually confessed around same time, no reconciliation, theyve been separated over a year, she's in a relationship. I don't want to be with him, probably for the same reasons she doesn't. Let it be. She has put him in her rearview mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2018 Share Posted January 18, 2018 My thoughts? No no no no no. Same goes for people you went to high school with. How long has it been? 10, 20, 30 years? Here is my take - if I was the ex wife - no way in hell I would want to hear from you. Water under the bridge, Done and done. And high school? Oh Hell no. Anything that happened that long ago is so far from my consciousness. Just gone. Living life looking in the rear view mirror is not a healthy way to live. Most people have long over come high school traumas. If some called me about high school wrongs - I would be really off put, and wonder what the heck was wrong with that person that they were still thinking about it. I disagree that a way too tardy apology is anything like donating time or money to a charity. Those things actually do go. Tangible good. A charity can use your money or sweat to help others. An apology because something has been on your mind, that is probably long forgotten by anyone else - that isn't going to "help" them. If anything, I think it would make them feel awkward. And what are they supposed to do? Accept your apology? Tell you its okay? An apology like that is just words. Action means something - but its WAY too late for action. Start looking at the road ahead of you, quit watching that rear view mirror. You can't change the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Why would you contact people from high school now. You're young and developing st that age... we expect mistakes and wrongdoing...I'm sure those people you hurt have long moved on and are getting along with their lives. I'd be floored if I heard from a person in high school now..apologising. I'm quite sure they've matured from those days and I don't need to hear from them. An apology isn't similar to charitable donations IMO ... they may both make you feel good ... but so does eating chocolate...doesn't mean it's good though. You did what you did...her husband did what he did...as well as her cheating to add to the mix...they've got enough of a mess to work through without you coming back into their lives. I must say though...I think it's a bit of a wake up call for an MM to realise he isnt the only one who can step out of the marriage....pull them right back in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 In regards to the comparison to charity, I see the point/difference, I just wanted to highlight that intentions and outcomes aren't always linked. No matter the intention, an apology wouldn't be welcomed and could be perceived as selfish even if that's not the intention. Donations can be made strictly for tax benefits with no real philanthropic intent but still does good and benefits others regardless. Letting it go. Not contacting anyone. I see the point in awkwardness for reaching back into the past. Eyes forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I've been giving a lot of thought to people I've harmed directly or indirectly in life in general, back to high school even. If it was something truly hurtful I've thought of contacting them as well. Would those apologies be just for my benefit as well? consensus seems to be so. Is there nothing to be said for making amends? Maybe I shouldn't contact them either? Even philanthropic donations or volunteer work can be twisted to be seen as selfish acts that are only done for our own needs to feel a certain way about ourselves. I think intention matters. Just want to point that out for consideration. I'll let it go though as I don't think it would make much difference. "made direct amends (putting it back the way its was), unless to do so would injure them or others" others, includes you. i got an apology from the man that robbed and murdered me, big whoop, the pig is sorry. sorry. he paid back the money. that's an amends, "putting it back the way it was". good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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