the dreaded in-law

[Jolene]

I don't like my fiancé's sister. How do I make sure that this doesn't show. Like, if she is saying something retarded or when he uses her as an example, how do I shut it down without making it obvious that I think she is a bitch!

 

Would failure to attend at some of the family gatherings be appropriate? I mean, she isn't mean to me (yet). But I can totally see her to be the type to undermine me behind my back. So the less she sees of me or knows of my life, the better.

[Jlmic1]

I have in-law issues myself. My H's family are a pack of moronic hillbilly's who are unable to use words containing more than one syllable.

 

They give me PLENTY of reasons not to favor them, and my H knows this. I don't tell him that I can't stand them or that they are all stupid.... but I do tell him what they do to piss me off and that I don't appreciate it. I have every reason to want to avoid family gatherings with his family. But I'd rather go and show them all that their attempts to drive me away and piss me off haven't worked.

 

It also helps that my H realizes that his family is far less than perfect.

 

If I were you, I'd tell your boyfriend in a nice way what his sister does that upsets you. Hopefully he will understand, like my Husband does.

[Jolene]

I can just foresee that my comments would be greeted with arrogance and indignation. It would be nagging. He gets along perfectly with her. All his other relatives I like anyway.

 

She seated us at the children's table last year at Christmas dinner when we first started dating...meanwhile her 2 1/2 year old sat at the adult table with the rest of the family. We were segregated like idiots from everyone else. I don't ever want that to happen again. When the relationship is still in the early stages, you don't think to say anything, right?

 

She makes comments like, "you know, the orange cheese they put in the macaroni is so much worse than the white cheese" (my son loves KD, oh and did I mention she is just an idiot).

 

She embarrasses me when she yells at her husband or complains about him, too. I just don't like her.

 

Is it hard for you to put on a happy face and dance to that music. Do you attend functions with these people out of love for your husband? Is that all? This is my life, too, and his family gets together all the bloody time. My family is in a different province.

[Jlmic1]

Originally posted by Jolene

I can just foresee that my comments would be greeted with arrogance and indignation. It would be nagging. He gets along perfectly with her. All his other relatives I like anyway.

 

She seated us at the children's table last year at Christmas dinner when we first started dating...meanwhile her 2 1/2 year old sat at the adult table with the rest of the family. We were segregated like idiots from everyone else. I don't ever want that to happen again. When the relationship is still in the early stages, you don't think to say anything, right?

 

She makes comments like, "you know, the orange cheese they put in the macaroni is so much worse than the white cheese" (my son loves KD, oh and did I mention she is just an idiot).

 

She embarrasses me when she yells at her husband or complains about him, too. I just don't like her.

 

Is it hard for you to put on a happy face and dance to that music. Do you attend functions with these people out of love for your husband? Is that all? This is my life, too, and his family gets together all the bloody time. My family is in a different province.

 

 

Yes, I basically go to my husbands family functions out of love for him. But like I said, his family.. ( mostly his mother ) tries to upset me to the point that I don't want to be around her ON PURPOSE. I feel that if I go, and still be around her, it shows her that her little plan hasn't worked. I do put on a happy face, just to throw it back at her.

 

I totally understand about not wanting to say anything to your boyfriend. In the beginning of my relationship with my H, I was hesitant to say anything too. But the more his family pushed me, the less I could keep my mouth shut. I got to the point where I didn't care if my H didn't like what I had to say.

 

If you're going to marry this man, he should be concerned if any member of his family is doing something repeatidly that is offending you.

[JPMorgan]

I found a tactic that worked for me in a similar situation. I began to end every statement I made with "oh, I'm sorry -- let me break that down into simpler terms for you...." and I would repeat my comment in simpler terms. It irritated the hell out of my problem in-law! The redder she got from anger the calmer and more deliberatly arrogant I would act. Now she's glad that I don't come around so much and it lets my husband off the hook because he knew what I was doing and why but didn't have the balls to speak up to his mother in my defense.

 

Now I'm not wanted or expected at the gatherings - I'm not missed at the gatherings - my husband doesn't have to make excuses--his mother thinks that he favors her and puts her first by telling me not to come over(she thinks she 'won' something) -- and I come out best of all because I can laugh about the old bitchy fool and enjoy my free time! My FIL is OK and he knows why I did what I did/do and he even laughed about it too so now we share the secret and we can laugh about it when the old hag isn't around.

 

Some people just send off sparks when they are near each other! Your BF needs to understand this and not be upset when you bow out of some of the functions that involve his sister. And never sit at a child's table again! If she attempts to pull a stunt like that again just say NO, I will sit at the adult table and pull out a chair and sit down. That pissed me off for you when I read it.

[quankanne]

set things straight when need be, just do it kindly or at least without sparks of anger shooting from your eyes and ears, then just kill dreaded In-Law with kindness. my husband and my one sister DO NOT like each other, and he'd spend time bad-mouthing her, but I kept telling him to kill her with kindness. One, it makes you look like you're at least half-way trying to be civil, and two, it makes the other person look childish or churlish (thus re-inforcing the fact that you're at least trying to remain civil, and you come off smelling like the rose).

 

otherwise, if it makes things less sticky for you to avoid some of the family gatherings, do so without a guilty conscience. I'm sure there are times when your SO doesn't want to be part of something that you want to do, and this can be a good bargaining chip.

[Jolene]

and I come out best of all because I can laugh about the old bitchy fool and enjoy my free time!

 

Precisely my point here! I don't have a lot of spare time. I have better things to do. So although I don't want to upset my bf, I would love to utilize some of my own time with people and things that don't frustrate me or irritate me. So I hear you on that, and it sounds like you have a good handle on it. I will pick my moment and gently try to make him see a few trees in this forest. thx

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by Jolene

 

She seated us at the children's table last year at Christmas dinner when we first started dating...meanwhile her 2 1/2 year old sat at the adult table with the rest of the family. We were segregated like idiots from everyone else. I don't ever want that to happen again.

 

 

She makes comments like, "you know, the orange cheese they put in the macaroni is so much worse than the white cheese" (my son loves KD, oh and did I mention she is just an idiot).

 

Tell her you only use REAL cheese.

 

It's said all too often...we don't get to pick our relatives. But we DO pick our friends, and being a SiL doesn't meant you have to be her friend. Be friendly and endure the visits, but try coming up with some snappy comebacks that make her look stupid and don't make you look like the bytch.