Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[ReallyStruggling]

My D-Day was 12/3/2017. My wife disclosed she had sex with a physician coworker on Thanksgiving night and again five days later. She disclosed only after she knew that I was aware that something had happened on Thanksgiving. I don't want to go into details at this point other than to say that we are trying to work through this (I am doing the heavy lifting) and she is just feeling sorry for herself.

 

Married for 16 years

2 daughters (13 and 15 years old)

 

I blew up the affair by contacting her immediate family, my immediate family, and I reported the affair to her director and his director. I also appropriately informed our daughters about what their mother had chose to do.

 

My wife told two colleagues at work that distrust this physician and they are helping to keep her accountable at work. However, he still tries to contact her from time-to-time in her office. She shares an office and her colleagues tell me when this idiot tries to drop by. My wife also informs me whenever he tries to make contact. I want her to quit her job (We would struggle to maintain our standard of living) but she does not want to quit. She has been there for 16 years.

 

My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone (Glad that she is thinking about the potential for harm now:mad::mad:)

 

I tried to call the betrayed Wife three separate times in December but there was no answer and it never went to voicemail. I believe that this idiot probably got to his wife first. I composed a letter and want to send it to her home address. I also dug around and believe that I found her personal email address. What is the best way to proceed? Should I send the letter and an email? Letter only? Just forget the whole thing. I would want to know if I was in her shoes. I feel a moral obligation to share this information with her.

 

Thank you for your help with this horrible situation.

Edited January 18, 2018 by ReallyStruggling

[usa1ah]

Make your wife do it. Have her call the BS and give her part of the story. Have her explain that it is one of the conditions for you and her to go forward in your marriage and try and fix the damage caused.

 

If the OM won’t stop trying to contact your wife, get a restraining order against him. Have your wife file a formal complaint against him at work.

 

If she won’t do these things, how do you expect her to really try and R the marriage.

 

Does the other BS work? If so can you approach her there?

 

Your wife obviously has no remorse or anything else to R your marriage.

[BreakOnThrough]

Where is your wife accountable in your mind? She was 1/2 the willing participant in all of this. I would worry more about your house than any other at this time. You have A LOT to sort out, you general feeling of "taking control" and "lashing out" is completely normal, but your feeling must be directed rationally right now. Have you looked into options? Spoken with a lawyer? You can't really trust your wife right now, you NEED to not trust her, for your own benefit and your kids. It is about YOU and THEM right now...

[aliveagain]

Sorry for the pain that your wife's infidelity has brought into your home. Please remember, the affair has very little to do with you and your family, it's all about her feeling of entitlement and her selfishness. Accept no responsibility for her destructive actions. They can't work together if you want a real shot at fixing this mess. Independent counselling for her is an absolute requirement for reconciliation, she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to betray you and her family.

 

Telling his wife is the absolute best way to make sure the affair is over. It concerns me that she is still protecting him by asking you not to contact his betrayed wife. A remorseful spouse would be more concerned with your pain over any concern for her other man. Sounds like she is sorry she got caught rather then being remorseful for the pain and destruction she has brought into your life. Most contact the other betrayed spouse via telephone. Since she is not returning your calls he most certainly has got to her. The second best way is to send her a letter that requires her signature for acceptance. If you don't know their home address Google his phone number that should give you the address the phone number is registered to. Have you searched her on Facebook? If you still can't reach her enlist the services of a PI to do it, it is that important that she knows. Never tell your wife that you are going to contact her, just do it.

 

The other man and your wife are co conspirators and you don't know for sure if they are or are not in contact with each other. Cheaters lie and you don't know 100% where she stands with regards to your marriage yet. Decide what it is that you want first before you commit yourself to reconciliation. You can't fix this on your own and if she won't do any of the heavy lifting fire her as your wife. Talk to a lawyer because you still don't know how this is going to turn out, make sure you both get tested for all STD's, they always lie about using protection. They can no longer work together. Watch her actions, believe little that comes out of her mouth as most wayward spouses are more concerned about self preservation after discovery and have a tendency to trickle truth you. The onus is on her to prove she wants the marriage and not the other way around. You can't nice them into staying. Your one goal is to get yourself out of infidelity, with her or without her. Stay strong friend.

[ReallyStruggling]

Wife is not ready emotionally to take this step. She is in the woe is me stage right now. She seems to be aware that she acted like a slut and betrayed me and our daughters. However, she really is not all that remorseful for her behavior other than she got caught. I am an attorney so I am aware of the legal remedies available. Unfortunately, my wife does not want any more trouble at work. She composed a no contact letter, showed it to me prior to sending on 12/24. It was a good letter and I told her at the time that it would serve as a basis for a future HR complaint if he contacts you again. She does not want to go that route right now. She just wants everything to return to "normal." She just started reading a book on how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Her actions to this point tells me that she is thinking more about her needs instead of the pain that she has caused and continues to cause her family. I know we can't reconcile until my wife displays remorse and demonstrates a commitment to me and our family. I probably should have tossed her out of the house in early December but I felt sorry for her. I was more in shock and despondent then. Now, I am just really pissed at her.

[ReallyStruggling]

As I mentioned, I am an attorney so I am aware of the potential causes of action for divorce in our state. I have significant evidence of her infidelity and I have discussed this with several friends who are local divorce attorneys.

 

Believe me I am really pissed at my wife. She betrayed me. She tested for STDs and they came back negative. She also took a pregnancy test which came back negative. I am more angry with my wife than I am the other man. He is a known horn dog and he just used her for sex. She knew this going in and still did the deed. I don't know if I will ever trust her again. I told her that I am preparing myself mentally for a future without her. She cries and begs when I communicate my feelings and I have told her I don't care. This has been catastrophic for our daughters. They don't trust their mother anymore. They are rude and disrespectful toward her at times now. Both are normally very respectful teenagers. My wife and I are in individual counseling but I am not interested in marriage counseling until I see significant progress with IC. I explained to her that my only commitment at the moment is to work through my anger, depression, and emotional hurt. I am not going to make any rash life-changing decisions. I still love my wife, but I will do everything I have to protect my daughters from further harm.

[ReallyStruggling]

One last thought. I read the same book last night. I doubt she has the inner strength and resolve to do the things necessary for reconciliation. The book outlines the five options that a cheater has available them. My wife seems to be in the "Wants to stay in the marriage but makes no real attempt to save the marriage" or "makes a bungled, haphazard attempt to save the marriage".

 

I think I will know within the next couple of months how this is going to turn out. I will probably be the one to file for divorce unless she can turn this around really fast.

 

It is heartbreaking for my family but we both agreed from the start that one incident of cheating would be a deal-breaker for both of us. Now that it has happened, the lines seem a bit blurred but a man can only take so much. I am definitely no wimp. I would have been gone if we did not have kids.

 

Better get back to work.

[Be_Strong]

ReallyStruggling, I’m sorry for what you are going through. I agree you should tell the OM’s wife. I think you should do it in person if possible.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

She just wants everything to return to "normal."

 

Textbook response ^^

 

How did you know her phone #?

 

For contacting the other BS, there are several routes. You can use social media such as LinkedIn to find our where she works, etc. You can call her at work.

 

If you know the municipality of where they live, you can search property tax records on the local GIS website and get addresses, etc.

 

What did HR says about the affair?

 

Do you know why your wife cheated on you? (Does she even know?)

 

This is still very fresh for you. You'll be on a roller coaster ride for awhile. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Everything that you're feeling is "normal". It sux, but all BS's go through it.

[aliveagain]

As I mentioned, I am an attorney so I am aware of the potential causes of action for divorce in our state. I have significant evidence of her infidelity and I have discussed this with several friends who are local divorce attorneys.

 

Believe me I am really pissed at my wife. She betrayed me. She tested for STDs and they came back negative. She also took a pregnancy test which came back negative. I am more angry with my wife than I am the other man. He is a known horn dog and he just used her for sex. She knew this going in and still did the deed. I don't know if I will ever trust her again. I told her that I am preparing myself mentally for a future without her. She cries and begs when I communicate my feelings and I have told her I don't care. This has been catastrophic for our daughters. They don't trust their mother anymore. They are rude and disrespectful toward her at times now. Both are normally very respectful teenagers. My wife and I are in individual counseling but I am not interested in marriage counseling until I see significant progress with IC. I explained to her that my only commitment at the moment is to work through my anger, depression, and emotional hurt. I am not going to make any rash life-changing decisions. I still love my wife, but I will do everything I have to protect my daughters from further harm.

 

Sounds like your doing all the right things. I have to tell you though, if I was the O/M and knew that you had found out about their affair and that you were a lawyer the last thing I would do is try and stay in contact with your wife. It sounds to me like the affair ran a lot deeper then your wife is admitting to. You absolutely have to level the playing field by bringing his wife into the game. Having a private detective show up at his house or her place of business with some of your evidence would certainly get the point across to him that you will take every possible action available to you to defend your family.

 

You may soon have to decide if your wife's income is worth the potential for contact. Has she written you a timeline of all affair events, when it started, who knew, where, when, how many times they met? You need to know how deep the rabbit hole is before to make decisions about your future. Marriage counselling is a waste of money until you know how broken she is and her level of commitment to do what it takes to fix this. There would have been no affair is she just said no. Your anger should be with her, you have no covenant with him. It is her responsibility to protect you when your not there to do it yourself, that's the promise she made to you. She instead chose to conspire against you with a known predictor. She has to prove to your satisfaction that she can keep you safe. If her word means nothing think about a brutal post nuptial as a requirement for you to stay in the marriage. An agreement giving you most of the marital assets if you divorce because of further infidelity may have more effect over her. They are hard to enforce but she will have to spend a lot of money to find that out. The worst thing you can do when dealing with a guy like him is nothing, the second worst thing is to rug sweep. I would encourage you to use the services of a PI to get your point across to this POS.

[BMI03]

Wife is not ready emotionally to take this step. She is in the woe is me stage right now. She seems to be aware that she acted like a slut and betrayed me and our daughters. However, she really is not all that remorseful for her behavior other than she got caught. I am an attorney so I am aware of the legal remedies available. Unfortunately, my wife does not want any more trouble at work. She composed a no contact letter, showed it to me prior to sending on 12/24. It was a good letter and I told her at the time that it would serve as a basis for a future HR complaint if he contacts you again. She does not want to go that route right now. She just wants everything to return to "normal." She just started reading a book on how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Her actions to this point tells me that she is thinking more about her needs instead of the pain that she has caused and continues to cause her family. I know we can't reconcile until my wife displays remorse and demonstrates a commitment to me and our family. I probably should have tossed her out of the house in early December but I felt sorry for her. I was more in shock and despondent then. Now, I am just really pissed at her.

 

We could reference them here if you need to read them, but I can promise you that there are loads of stories here where people have worked hard at R minus the obligatory move of leaving the shared workplace with their Om/Ow, and the results are pretty well all the same that after the dust has settled and then feel ‘notmal’ again, surprise surprise, there is a DiscoveryDay 2 a year or two later. Seems to never fail.

 

Wanting to stay at her job is a signal. She may sincerely not want anything to do with him, but that’s more a case of not wanting anything to do with the consequences she is now experiencing vs not wanting to be with him. The sign wanting to stay at work shows you is that she is still more concerned with controlling how this discovery impacts her. She is trying to reduce the impact to HER day to day. She is not worried about the impact of that decision on YOU.

 

Look at it this way: she has a choice where one option (leaving work) will give you more peace of mind and be a step in the right direction towards R, but comes at the cost of making her personally uncomfortable needing to find new work and deal with being a bit cash strapped; or another option which makes you uncomfortable, opens your marriage up to a risk that you just need to learn to live with, forces you into a position of needing to trustbusters her before she has earned it, and gains only in that it leaves her more personally comfortable because she gets to keep working where she knows.

 

She is still choosing herself, at your cost.

 

The bigger tell here is that’s she doesn’t want to face constituencies, and doesn’t expect you to inflict any. You let that one go, and you have basically told her that she controls this situation and can dictate the repercussions of her infidelity. If you got in a taxi, and that taxi driver hit a pedestrian, would you listen to the taxi driver and stay in the car when he says “no, don’t worry, I’ll still get you to your destination...I got this.”, or would you take control of the outcome yourself, determine the driver is not trust worthy, and get out of the car? You are trusting someone who has shown themselves quite clearly to be untrustworthy. That’s an error you may pay for later if you want to leave R on the table.

[Whoknew30]

You’re having your wife babysat like a child. You don’t know how about telling the BW but yet had no issue sitting your young kids down & put this on them, when planning to work it out anyways? you need to get your head straight bc you’re not making any sense & allowing your hurt to make your decisions...take a breather & get your logic together.

 

I think you’re afraid to tell bc it could cause OM to divorce & since you’ve already told everyone what’s stopping your wife from leaving you? She’s not made any real choices, you’ve made them for her. You can’t control what happened & you can’t control it she ends up leaving you, you can only control yourself & what you’re willing to deal with...having people watching her & calling you is sooo unhealthy. Transparency is great but having another adult watched at work on the fence of abusive & over controlling...where do you go from there, cuffing yourself to her?

 

Also no adult wants to be in the middle of your marriage issues...you both have issues with your boundaries. Good luck

[road]

Life has taught me:

 

That if the BH does not tell the OMW the affair restarts.

 

That when the WW does not make a formal sexual harassment

report to the HR dept the affair restarts.

 

That the when the WW will not leave the job the affair restarts

 

That lawyers know law, though they know nothing about fighting

affairs and recovering a marriage.

[BluesPower]

As I mentioned, I am an attorney so I am aware of the potential causes of action for divorce in our state. I have significant evidence of her infidelity and I have discussed this with several friends who are local divorce attorneys.

 

Believe me I am really pissed at my wife. She betrayed me. She tested for STDs and they came back negative. She also took a pregnancy test which came back negative. I am more angry with my wife than I am the other man. He is a known horn dog and he just used her for sex. She knew this going in and still did the deed. I don't know if I will ever trust her again. I told her that I am preparing myself mentally for a future without her. She cries and begs when I communicate my feelings and I have told her I don't care. This has been catastrophic for our daughters. They don't trust their mother anymore. They are rude and disrespectful toward her at times now. Both are normally very respectful teenagers. My wife and I are in individual counseling but I am not interested in marriage counseling until I see significant progress with IC. I explained to her that my only commitment at the moment is to work through my anger, depression, and emotional hurt. I am not going to make any rash life-changing decisions. I still love my wife, but I will do everything I have to protect my daughters from further harm.

 

You maybe an attorney... but you may not really understand all that much about infidelity.

 

Like Alive said you seem to be doing a lot of the right things. So that is good.

 

The problem that I have is where you are saying that "You are doing the heavy lifting".

 

That is a NO, NO. She gets that honor. And most men with a set of balls give them a couple of weeks to start that. When they start, they have to exceed at it.

 

For example:

 

1) Who cares how much trouble she wants or does not want at work. Tough cookies. She made her bed, lay in it.

 

2) They work together, this is the second of many problems. You don't get to work where you had an affair. No dice. No way, no how.

 

3) She, on speaker, has to tell the other BS and you get to listen. This is a standard rule. It has to be done.

 

4) Her being concerned about her Boyfriends troubles at work???? That is NO, NO number four. Again tough cookies.

 

So, I just want to ask some questions. Did you think it was a good idea for them to still work together? Because it is not. Someone has to leave that work place.

 

Are you concerned about the amount of income you will lose if she changes jobs? Because you should not be. It will be worth every single penny.

 

Are you taking her back because you don't want to split all the assets? Because if you are, don't be. See above.

 

All of this seems really new, so have you actually spent time thinking if you really want her back? It is often a knee jerk reaction to want to reconcile when this stuff first happens. What you have to realize is the following:

 

1) It is up to her to prove that she is worthy of you taking her back. Whether you love her or not is not the issue. There are tons of women out there for the picking. And the fact that you don't want to split your family up, yeah I get that. That stuff works out, and it is way easier than you think it is. Trust me on that.

 

2) Time in this situation is on your side. You can decide if you want to continue the marriage on your end and there is nothing that says you have to. And emotions about that change and will continue to change over time, and with the observance of her behavior. And most of all the observance of her ability to learn enough to help you heal, and heal your marriage. She caused this not you.

 

 

Sorry your here. Keep your chin up. You are in the driver seat...

[WilyWill]

It does seem like she's really not into reconciliation mode yet. This might take a while, but there are a few things you can do to help her get there:

 

1) As others have stated, insist that she contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse) and inform her of the affair while you listen in.

 

2) Do the 180. Disengage from your wife. Speak to her only about day-to-day affairs. Start spending more time out of the house. Take your daughters to a movie or out to dinner. Take some time working out in the gym. The exercise helps to reduce stress and take your mind off things.

 

3) If your wife does try to engage you in conversation about the affair, ask her if it will be necessary to perform a DNA test on your daughters to determine their paternity. Sometimes this has the effect of making a cheater realize the full consequences of their bad decisions, namely, a complete loss of trust for her across your entire past relationship. If she becomes indignant about you questioning her integrity, remind her that she's demonstrated that she has none.

 

4) File for divorce. Don't just talk divorce--serve her with the paperwork. As an attorney, you know that the process can be halted at any point. But the paperwork makes it more real to her.

 

5) Stop doing the heavy lifting. Let HER demonstrate to YOU why she's worth keeping.

Edited January 18, 2018 by WilyWill

[BarbedFenceRider]

My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone (Glad that she is thinking about the potential for harm now)

 

^^^This says what she thinks of YOU. Nothing. Right now, you are being branded as the ***hole attorney that starts trouble at work and harps at his STBXW...

 

She is still in limerence and likes sleeping with other men, and definitely not you! Gross.

 

Sorry you are going through this..

[Buckeye2]

My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone.

 

This is leverage. Get a divorce with better terms before you do this or at the very least a post-nup. The reason to tell the other spouse is to end the affair and have another set of eyes on them. Do this now only if you plan to stay with her.

 

If you’re going to divorce then get better terms, wait until the divorce is final and then expose.

 

She just wants everything to return to "normal."

 

I like the idea of divorcing and shacking up. Divorce might finally wake her up.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thank you for your responses. Not sure where to begin. I have the Other betrayed spouse's phone number and address. I also believe I have several good email addresses. There are a number of sources online that will provide you with this type of information. I used these sources all of the time when I litigated. I am hesitant to approach her in person. I don't need him filing a RO against me. I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address. She is also a physician and I know where she works but I don't want to do that to her. This will be difficult enough on her without dealing with it at work. I imagine she already knows he is a POS though.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Back on you for a second...Since you are an attorney, are you able to separate all your finances and get things prepared so you are protected either way? Also, if you do get in touch with the BS, does that include any conflict of interest or other legal deal? I seriously don't know and just asking...thanks.

[kgcolonel]

My wife does not want me to contact this idiot's wife. She does not want to cause anymore harm to anyone (Glad that she is thinking about the potential for harm now)

 

^^^This says what she thinks of YOU. Nothing. Right now, you are being branded as the ***hole attorney that starts trouble at work and harps at his STBXW...

 

She is still in limerence and likes sleeping with other men, and definitely not you! Gross.

 

Sorry you are going through this..

 

Exactly this

 

Also says that she's not too concerned about the other innocent betrayed spouse but is concerned about her AP who helped her betray you and your family.....says a lot about where her head is.....come to the light Luke.....

[Whatnotagain]

I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address.

 

I resorted to doing this as the other BS was being purposely elusive online to prevent a crazy ex boyfriend from contacting her. It didn't work as I expected as the OM intercepted the letter, as I figured he might. It made him so nervous that a couple of weeks later he confessed to his wife of the affair and she ended up calling our home after finding my information online in a business filing. So your wife's OM is likely checking the mail as you suspect he is with the phone. Be persistent as it took me months to finally get in contact with the OBS. All my attempts to reach out to her via email, phone, and letters made the OM finally crack and confess. I hold the view that all betrayed spouses deserve to know no matter the circumstances as it is the morally responsible thing to do.

[kgcolonel]

I resorted to doing this as the other BS was being purposely elusive online to prevent a crazy ex boyfriend from contacting her. It didn't work as I expected as the OM intercepted the letter, as I figured he might. It made him so nervous that a couple of weeks later he confessed to his wife of the affair and she ended up calling our home after finding my information online in a business filing. So your wife's OM is likely checking the mail as you suspect he is with the phone. Be persistent as it took me months to finally get in contact with the OBS. All my attempts to reach out to her via email, phone, and letters made the OM finally crack and confess. I hold the view that all betrayed spouses deserve to know no matter the circumstances as it is the morally responsible thing to do.

 

Might try to send it registered mail....if I am not mistaken, it is a criminal offense to forge a signature and even if he did sign for it....this attempt will really make him nervous....time for you to f with his world a bit....right????

[sandylee1]

It's your job to tell the OBS not your wife's. You're an attorney...you can figure out how to tell her

 

certified mail or go to their home when he's gone to work.

 

I hope you've put support (like counselling) in place for your daughters...after letting them know what your wife did.

[Whatnotagain]

Might try to send it registered mail....if I am not mistaken, it is a criminal offense to forge a signature and even if he did sign for it....this attempt will really make him nervous....time for you to f with his world a bit....right????

 

I agree and in my case it would have been the next step if I had not received any response.

[usa1ah]

One last thought. I read the same book last night. I doubt she has the inner strength and resolve to do the things necessary for reconciliation. The book outlines the five options that a cheater has available them. My wife seems to be in the "Wants to stay in the marriage but makes no real attempt to save the marriage" or "makes a bungled, haphazard attempt to save the marriage".

 

I think I will know within the next couple of months how this is going to turn out. I will probably be the one to file for divorce unless she can turn this around really fast.

 

It is heartbreaking for my family but we both agreed from the start that one incident of cheating would be a deal-breaker for both of us. Now that it has happened, the lines seem a bit blurred but a man can only take so much. I am definitely no wimp. I would have been gone if we did not have kids.

 

Better get back to work.

 

Do what is best for you and your daughters.

 

If your wife is not responding to R at this time read up on the 180. See if parts of it can get a reaction.

 

The 180 will also help you detach from her if you decide to D.

 

Keep your daughters in the loop. Do not bad mouth her to them. Ask for their input and advice. Tell them to be honest about it with you. Talk things through with them. Stay strong and kind in their eyes and no matter what happens don’t be a doormat.