Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[Just a Guy]

Hi Reallystruggling, sorry to see you here. I guess you have been given advice across the board, some of it helpful, some not so much from your point of view. I would think, being a lawyer, that you would have carried out an appraisal of your choices and are coming to a decision about your future course of action. I wanted to ask you what work your wife does at her place of work. Is she also a doctor? People in the medical profession seem to be more prone to cheating than some of the other professions. Read Uncle Boogies thread. Whatever your decision, I wish you the very best but in getting the last word in I have to say that if your wife is not truly remorseful, reconciliation is a pipe dream! Warm wishes.

[seren]

RS, my H an I have been together over 30 years when he had the A we had been together over 20. I never, ever saw it coming, nor did I ever think he was 'that kind' of man, I trusted him 100% and that I think has been the hardest thing to get straight in my head. The breaking of trust is such a hard thing to come to terms with and I am not sure if I will ever understand that, a lot of people put such great store with the sex aspect of an A, for me it was the trust that broke my heart.

 

The first few months were a whirlwind of emotions, I am not sure how we managed to get through those early days. On the one hand I hated what he had done and the other loving him as I always had, he was the person I would turn to when life got hard, yet he had caused the hurt. All very effed up. When I had a meltdown he held me, when I wanted to know things, he told me, at first he would sugar coat it (not to hurt me (!!)) I told him there would be no he deciding what I needed to know, I decided that, so he told me and some hurt but once I could see it, I could process it and fight it.

A lot of WS's trickle truth, that means letting the BS know some things but not all, with holding information asked for incase it hurts them, when the information comes out, it hurts all the more as the BS has to process it from a different view than they believed it to be. So, I had the truth.

 

I reckon it took about 2 years before I got through a day without thinking about the A, I cried and cried, I never knew a body could hold so many tears. H and I limited the amount of time we spent talking about what was and gradually what is and could be took up far more time than what had been. That point was a huge turning point, looking back is never easy and can stop reconciliation as the couple become stuck and go over and over the same thing. My H had PTSD and Combat Stress (ex military), his counsellor said that was the trigger for the A, not the reason, but the symptom of his problems. He still has help for that.

 

Over the years we have learned to communicate better, I don't hide bad stuff from him and he has to shoulder his share of our life, previously I shouldered all the problems to prevent him becoming stressed as I deal with stress better. Our relationship feels more equal now and we might have the odd off day, but the A isn't the cause of it. The OW became a bit of a stalker and we had to report her to the police. Thankfully that has stopped. We will always have an A as part of our history, but balanced up against all that it is, it isn't the huge thing it was back then. Had our marriage not been strong we could never have reconciled, I actually feel far sorrier for him than me, he has to live with his actions and he finds it very hard to respect himself or to acknowledge the hurt he caused us and me.

 

Contrary to what a lot believe, most BS don't stay for money, safety, housing etc, they stay because they love their partner, I truly believe that a relationship that has weathered the worse of storm is stronger. I hope you have support and that you and your wife can reconcile, if that is what you both want, it is hard, it takes years, but it can be done. x seren

[ReallyStruggling]

I get what your saying BluesPower. My wife is aware that she is not out of the woods as far as divorce is concerned. She is willing to leave her job if I ask her to. That has helped. I know she would be distraught if I asked her but I also believe she would do it. I am also under no illusions about how difficult it is for her to interact with the AP four days every other week. She does not work closely with him but it is close enough. Her life is an open book now and she does everything possible to put my mind at ease as to her whereabouts at all times. She constantly texts me throughout the day to reassure me. I still find it virtually impossible to deal with her physically being in the same building with him but for now, that is the way it is. It is my decision and I can live with it for now. I could go alpha male on her and I believe she would be compliant but I am not convinced that would be right for my wife. She is still a human being and this is a complex issue. In the future, I may not want to pursue our marriage any further and she will need a good job.

[wmacbride]

No it is not really that... the alpha male thing.

 

And it is not a size thing. It is a survival thing. After you have dealt this this stuff for a while, you learn some universal truths.

 

Nice GUYS ALLWAYS FINISH LAST. Now I am not saying that you have to be a jerk to anyone, ever.

 

But what I am saying is this: A man, knows his worth. He should at all cost take care of his family. He has to be a strong leader with his family.

 

And if someone is doing damage to your family, you have to be able to eject that person from your life, even if it is your wife.

 

So when you say that you or your wife could leave the marriage, sure. But what you need to decide is whether you want the marriage and the woman the betrayed you. Who cares what she does as long as you do what is right for you.

 

So if you want to call that alpha male, go ahead. But your wife does not deserve the nice guy husband right now. She screwed him over.

 

What she needs to know is that she might get another chance but there is no guarantee.

 

Further, she really does not get a choice about how things go and what you do. She can choose to leave.

 

She HAS to quit her job or the affair continues.

 

Does that make any sense. The nice guy days are over...

 

I would posit that this is true for all bs.

 

It can be really hard to go against that internal voice that tells you that if you change, you ws will "pick" you and your marriage. Some call it the "pick me dance".

 

That's a huge mistake, and helps no one. Better to do the "I'm moving forward, and you might be welcome to come along" dance. That's not to say that both spouses don't need to work on their marriage and make improvements, but that can only work if it comes after a decision by both spouses to be "all in" because it's what they both, deep down, really want. It's not a decision to be made in desperation or under duress. Especially for the ws...they need to understand that their ws isn't going to just wait around while they dither back and forth, all wishy washy.

[thummper]

I've often thought the very same thing, BluesPower: Nice guys ALWAYS finish last! One of life's great truths and great tragedies.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thank you for your response and questions DavidJoseph.

 

My wife continued to text him for about 10 days after disclosure. I knew she was texting by the phone usage stats and because I saw some of the text messages after my wife had fallen asleep. Most of the texts were from her with no response from him. The texts were pretty basic at first. "How's it going?" Then morphed into things like "I am done." "I can't do this anymore. This is wrong." " You're just using me and I am using you." He rarely replied except to say things like "things are going ok." No questions or other comments. I pulled the plug on the texting crap on 12/18. I confronted her about and she came clean. I really believe she wanted closure. My wife is a social worker and a therapist. She gets too drawn into other people's drama. This guy has drama for 5 people. I think that is how this thing started. My wife spoke with her boss and came clean on 12/18. She told two of her closest colleagues on that same day as well. She took the remainder of the month off work to avoid him and the drama. This second D-day really rocked her world more than mine. My daughters overheard some of our conversations and could feel the tension when my wife and I went out. They don't trust their mother at all at this time. The most difficult thing is how she destroyed their faith in our family values and beliefs. They no longer feel "safe" in their world.

 

The last thing on this point. My wife asked me to run an errand for her on Sunday evening 12/17. I got to thinking about the texts, got really pissed and went to a bar to have a beer. I lost track of time and was gone for about 3 hours. She spent the entire time desperately texting me about my whereabouts. My daughters were with her the whole time I was gone but I know she was crying the entire time I was gone. My daughters knew too. I told myself that I could never do that to any of them again. I have to keep it together.

[Marc878]

The last thing on this point. My wife asked me to run an errand for her on Sunday evening 12/17. I got to thinking about the texts, got really pissed and went to a bar to have a beer. I lost track of time and was gone for about 3 hours. She spent the entire time desperately texting me about my whereabouts. My daughters were with her the whole time I was gone but I know she was crying the entire time I was gone. My daughters knew too. I told myself that I could never do that to any of them again. I have to keep it together.

 

Nothing wrong with what you did. Consequences are a good thing.

 

You needed some time alone. So what ?

[WilyWill]

You're going to experience a roller coaster of emotions in the coming years. You'll have other moments where you just want to check out and be alone at a bar for a while. I actually think it's healthy for you to disengage from her every so often.

 

But don't do this disappearing act to your kids. When you didn't come home for a while, it rocked their world. They were traumatized, wondering if you'd ever return, or if you'd leave them stuck with a mother they can no longer respect. If I were you, I'd reassure them that your love for them is unconditional and that you'll be around for them 24/7 for the rest of your life.

[ReallyStruggling]

Another good question DavidJoseph What did your wife find other man attractive?

 

I think she found his drama attractive. This is based upon hours and hours of discussion with my wife and my therapist. As I mentioned earlier, my wife loves to help people and she is a sucker for other people and their problems. She and her friends tell me that this physician started in the summer 2017 and has been very upfront about how bad his marriage is and how his wife is really messed up. He feels bad for his kids (2 and 3 years old) and has no idea how he can repair his family. My wife has always found me to be very decisive. She has always like that about me but also would prefer me to be more quiet and deferential to people and conflict. My wife does not like conflict (even healthy conflict). She is extremely conflict avoidant. I am not. She accepts that I am attorney and knows that is my personality. I don't think my wife finds me to be very charming. She wishes I would try harder. I believe she knows I am a good man, and husband, and father. She wants me to court her and pursue her and charm her. I know some of that is healthy for a marriage but it can be unhealthy as well if the other person has an insatiable need for constant courtship.

 

It sounds like she got drawn into this fool's drama and forgot about her boundaries. I think she figured she could handle it. My wife said he can be a very charming person but at the same time very controlling at work. My wife's colleague says the same thing. My wife is a runner, works out all of the time, and is a very active person. She said he shares many of the same traits. I am a former athlete and still work out at the gym but I don't run anymore because of my knees and I am not in the same shape I was when we first married. I am not in poor shape by any stretch but he shares many of the same interests that my wife shares. I think she slowly was drawn into his orbit and became disconnected from us. She stopped parenting in October, November and December and she was on her phone all of the time. I didn't miss the signs. I ignored the signs. I think my wife resents this fact. She convinced herself that is proof that I did not love her anymore. The whole thing is crazy and makes no sense. I asked why didn't she come talk to me before she went down crazyville road. She was convinced I would not listen. Bottom line. He made her feel good, I make her feel bored. I am too caught up in work, kids, finances, and the mundane world to have fun. She said she resents that I partied and sowed my oats in college and lawschool. She worked full time to put herself through school (including her masters degree). She did not have time to party. She lived at home and went to UK for both undergrad and masters. She told me I am not fun anymore and I worry incessantly about money, retirement, and the kid's future. I always thought of her as the adult and me as the teenager.

 

I think she resented me so much, she decided to say f**k it, I'm going to have some fun. The affair is her fault, not mine (Don't jump all over me about that ) I have learned and accepted some things from therapy. I have to accept her explanations though. She says she always loved me and still loves me. She disconnected and said what the f**k. Her three siblings are divorced and two of the three are partiers. I think she is really attracted to that lifestyle. Her Dad is a good man, and is very upset with my wife but his approach with her is vastly different from the one I would take with my daughters given a similar situation.

 

Wow, I should have put this much thought into my and my marriage for 16 years. It really is sad that it takes something like this to share me up.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thanks Marc878 and Wilywill. Duly noted. I will definitely follow your advice.

[ReallyStruggling]

DavidJoseph cont.

 

I have told my wife that I completely trusted her and never would have imagined that she would do something like this to our family. It is so out of character that it completed destroyed my worldview. Unfortunately, it happened. It would be easier to understand and accept if it was an old boyfriend. That at least would make sense. I spoke with her most significant ex-boyfriend on the phone about two weeks ago. We were introduced at a UK game about 15 years ago. He is married with kids and has had no contact with my wife since 1999. He was blown away by what she did. There really is no explanation except that she became enamored with this doctor and disconnected from our family and decided to have some fun.

 

My wife is a very spiritual person. We don't share the same faith though. I am Catholic and she is Assembly of God. We raise are kids Catholic and send them to Catholic school. She attends Mass with us every week. My wife is probably the most intelligent, grounded, moral person that I know. She is well-respected at work, in our kid's school, and in the community. She really is an amazing person.

 

One poster posited that this may have been an exit affair. I am certainly open to that possibility. I don't expect her to admit this at this time because she probably knows that would be the end of our marriage. I also know that she probably has more feelings for this schlep than she admits. She prefers to think of him as a very broken person, instead of a really bad guy. That may be because she prefers the broken label for herself as well. I get it.

[ReallyStruggling]

My wife has purchased several book recommended by her therapist and by her boss. Both books focus on helping the betrayed spouse heal. I read both books and now she is frustrated with me. She says I always steal her joy. I am a very fast reader and love to read. My wife does not enjoy reading. I just wanted to be able to share and discuss the material with my wife. I can never do anything right in my wife's eyes. She wanted to be read the books and go through the journey with me. Now she says I will have expectations of her. I don't know what to say to that. Sometimes, it would be easier to just move to Alaska and fish all day.

 

 

 

 

|

[ReallyStruggling]

One last though pertaining to DavidJoseph's post.

 

My wife rarely spends anytime on our pc or laptop. Browsing history is clean. Her browsing history on her phone is clean too. She is not much of a internet surfer.

 

I really think she is somewhat surprised that I would fight for her like this. She thought I would just take custody of the kids and let her go. Just more proof of how distorted a person's mind can get when they want to justify behavior.

 

Bottom line is this. We both know this is going to be a long, difficult, taxing journey. I am not sure if she has the mental toughness to plow through to the other side. I probably am underestimating her emotional intelligence but her recent track record is not good. I also am acutely aware that I have to focus on our daughters. At this point, they feel like they live in crazyville. We have to restore some of their innocence. I know that I may have to do this without my wife if she s not strong enough to join us on the journey.

 

I asked her a question last night when we were in bed. What would have happened if I did not find out about the affair? She said that she is not sure. "She probably would have kept sleeping with him for a few more weeks and then either ended the affair because she could not keep doing that or leave our marriage." I then asked would she have continued to sleep with this guy if she left me? She said "for a little while yes. She knows he is a dickhead (her words) and knows that I would hate her and the kids would hate her and him forever. That was never a viable option. She said that she would never want to be with a person like that. How could she ever trust him?" I responded with one word--"BINGO". I then rolled over and went to sleep.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thank you for sharing your story Seren. It does give me some hope. I really pray that you and your husband have a wonderful future together.

 

I agree with you. The sex part is bad enough. The broken trust is even worse. Not sure how to get that back. That will be my journey.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thanks Wmacbride. I agree with you. I already told my wife that I would not play the pick me dance. We picked each other way back in October 2001 when we declared our wedding vows before God, family, and friends. I am not going to soil that vow now by begging or competing for the right to win her love and affection. She may or may not be lucky enough to continue our journey together.

 

She told me this morning that she knows that their will not be a third chance. She said that she loves me and wants a second chance. She said that she will get things right this time. we'll see.

[ReallyStruggling]

Hi Thummper. Nice guys don't finish last. They just start the race with a bit of a handicap. Don't sacrifice your values for someone that wants to "bad boy" or someone who lives on the edge or takes command. One of the primary partners in the law firm that I used to work for was an amazing gentleman and a very kind person. He cared about everyone. He would not have cared if he was an alpha male or not. The man had a wonderful family, an amazing career and was well-respected by his clients and peers. Treat people kindly, listen to your spouse, and always work at meeting their needs. Things will work out. In the end, I may have to take a hard line with my wife but I will still treat her with respect. I could never face my father-in-law again if I did anything different.

[DKT3]

Dude, you are terrified to lose your wife, and it shows in every sentence.

 

Listen all this stuff you've talked about is great but he is the thing. You're wife isn't doing sh it, and you're the one holding"it" together.

 

I don't expect you will listen but here is what you need to do...get the hell away from her. For two or three weeks just go away or ask her to go away Dont communicate with her. Start divorce proceedings ASAP, start detaching, stop worrying about what she is doing.

 

At the end of the day you won't respect her out of infidelity.

 

At some point respect for those who don't really respect you is well.......

[Marc878]

I really think she is somewhat surprised that I would fight for her like this. She thought I would just take custody of the kids and let her go. Just more proof of how distorted a person's mind can get when they want to justify behavior.

 

My friend if you have to fight for this (the infamous pick me dance) there is nothing for you here. She is the one who should be fighting.

I asked her a question last night when we were in bed. What would have happened if I did not find out about the affair? She said that she is not sure. "She probably would have kept sleeping with him for a few more weeks and then either ended the affair because she could not keep doing that or leave our marriage." I then asked would she have continued to sleep with this guy if she left me? She said "for a little while yes. She knows he is a dickhead (her words) and knows that I would hate her and the kids would hate her and him forever. That was never a viable option. She said that she would never want to be with a person like that. How could she ever trust him?" I responded with one word--"BINGO". I then rolled over and went to sleep.

 

Her priority was screwing this guy. She put that over you, your family and your future. Make no mistake that is a part of who she is and her capabilities.

 

If you're smart you'll take some time and think about what you want. Many will stay in the marriage just because. Your marriage as you knew it is over. Would you marry her again knowing what you know about her now. Because that is what Reconcilliation is.

 

The other thing. Your wife has served you a big ***** sandwich. It's totally up to you whether you eat it or not. If you R you must eat the sandwich.

 

Only you should make this decision to offer R.

 

Save the marriage!!!!!! There is no marriage to save now. She destroyed it. The rest is just a piece of worthless paper.

 

Would you remarry her???????

[ReallyStruggling]

MidnightBlue. I understand your concerns and appreciate your perspective. I tried to call the other spouse three times to no avail. I have to be careful about constantly calling her. She could obtain a RO against me. I am not into that. I don't feel like I have the right to constantly bug her. I have no idea why she has not answered her phone. I prayed, reflected, and thought about the right thing to do in this situation. I would want to know. A letter sucks. I know. I would still want to know. She has my contact information in the letter if she wants to follow up. I won't initiate contact again. What she chooses to do with the information is her business. My guess is she already knows her husband is a slimeball. I don't believe that we can take responsibility for the actions and feelings of others. My priest, wife, and friend (another attorney) have blessed the letter. All three feel it is compassionate and empathetic. I am worried about the **** storm that may hit my wife at her hospital. My wife knows that I have her back. She knows that I will go into full litigator mode if necessary to protect her interests. She emailed the ass a no contact letter on 12/24 and that should cover her if he starts to cause any fall out.

 

I can only pray that the man's wife and kids will be ok after the revelation. Hopefully, he will find his way, and work to make things right with his family. I choose to believe that outcome is possible (although unlikely).

[Marc878]

Dude, you are terrified to lose your wife, and it shows in every sentence.

 

Listen all this stuff you've talked about is great but he is the thing. You're wife isn't doing sh it, and you're the one holding"it" together.

 

I don't expect you will listen but here is what you need to do...get the hell away from her. For two or three weeks just go away or ask her to go away Dont communicate with her. Start divorce proceedings ASAP, start detaching, stop worrying about what she is doing.

 

At the end of the day you won't respect her out of infidelity.

 

At some point respect for those who don't really respect you is well.......

 

I agree. If you let your fear guide and define you it will result in regret later on.

 

I wouldn't be surprised that you wife knew she could get away with this and perhaps that logic helped her to seal the deal.

 

I doubt she though you would expose and hake the action you did. Nice job on that.

 

Now finish this strong no matter which way you go.

[Marc878]

Thanks Marc878 and Wilywill. Duly noted. I will definitely follow your advice.

 

Stop the doormatish thinking. An independent guy is much more attractive than a codependent. There is nothing wrong with you having alone time right now. Spending time with friend/family without her.

 

IMO I'd take a weeks vacation away from this so I could think clear.

 

That attitude is healthy. Yet you are so afraid of hurting her feeling after she gave everything that should have been yours to some scumbag.

 

Better wake up

[Maddieandtae]

Reallystruggling.... your wife did do a really crappy action on your marriage. Being a badass or a nice guy isn't going to impact her like how she will internally face herself every moment of the day. That impact will determine if she will do the work to repair herself than make amends to her marriage. Yes she cheated and as much as it hurts the cheating actually has nothing to do with you. Her cheating action was a result of something going morally wrong with her personal values. I would even bet the sex was horrible because I think for alot of women affairs are not about sex. Yes she horribly screwed up and only she can fix herself. Set boundaries for yourself and determine what actions you need to see in order to go forward as a married couple. Communicate those to her and tell her you won't be her jailor and if those actions are not met than you move forward as you wish.

[BluesPower]

My wife has purchased several book recommended by her therapist and by her boss. Both books focus on helping the betrayed spouse heal. I read both books and now she is frustrated with me. She says I always steal her joy. I am a very fast reader and love to read. My wife does not enjoy reading. I just wanted to be able to share and discuss the material with my wife. I can never do anything right in my wife's eyes. She wanted to be read the books and go through the journey with me. Now she says I will have expectations of her. I don't know what to say to that. Sometimes, it would be easier to just move to Alaska and fish all day.

 

I read all the recent posts... and I really think that you are doing pretty well.

 

I quoted this post because I think it is VERY relevant to the entire situation.

 

When she told you about all of the details and how she felt about the affair, of course we always wonder how much they are lying.

 

But when she talks about Her not being able to sow her oats, her not getting to party, you will have "Expectations" of HER, you just can't do anything right in HER eyes. It is all about her issues, even as she is talking to you about it. The plain truth is the she was attracted to him and she wanted to screw him. A lot of it comes down to that.

 

You were/are boring, and he is not. But what did she do to help make the marriage exciting and sexy. Did she take you into the bedroom for a random blow job? I bet not. Did she plan quiet romantic getaways? My guess is no.

 

He feeling like you are boring and unattractive is just a lame excuse for her to be selfish and entitled. She probably think you cannot even attract another woman.

 

What does all of that mean? Everyone has their own opinions. Of course, most of it is her thought process that allowed her to bang this guy. Everyone does that.

 

But the thing that bothers me the most is the way that women like her get this strange sense of entitlement because of whatever stupid reasons that they can come up with.

 

Of course you have to give a woman romantic attention, they all need that. I for one enjoy providing that to women that I am in love with, and it is about way more than sex obviously. But at some point you have to ask yourself, "Does she just not love me?"

 

This is the thing that you have to figure out. And most of all, you have to decide if you want to be with her. You wonder yourself if she has the were with all to actually follow through with reconciliation.

 

That is a good question. I think you are making it was too easy for her. She should have some real consequences for what she has done.

 

Has she told you the truth about how good the sex was? They usually lie about that.

 

The next most bothersome thing is that she still kept talking to him after she got caught. That is the height of disrespect. If was not enough that she was banging him in the first place... she had to keep the affair going.

 

Telling his wife may help to kill the affair. But if she does not leave her job the affair will continue.

 

And yes, she def has feelings for him, no matter what she says to you. Of course he is a player that was just looking for another woman to bang. And your wife was ready willing and able to do just that.

 

She now thinks he is a jerk, to your face, but in her muddled mind, she actually has no idea or belief of what he really is. He is a player in the worst sense of the word.

 

Part of her actually think he cares about her. You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with a woman that is this stupid. I know that she is intelligent in a lot of areas, but not in the area of men.

 

If she is in health care, nurse or whatever, she can find another job if that is your concern. But she has to leave her job. If not you will catch her cheating again.

 

I get criticized sometimes for being too cut and dry about these things. But you have to understand what it is like to wake up one day and realize that the woman you love, does not love you.

 

That my friend hurts worse than infidelity. I hope you are able to make it, and the marriage works out. At the same time I also hope that if is will not/does not work out that you don't waste many more years of you life figuring it out...

[usa1ah]

My wife has purchased several book recommended by her therapist and by her boss. Both books focus on helping the betrayed spouse heal. I read both books and now she is frustrated with me. She says I always steal her joy. I am a very fast reader and love to read. My wife does not enjoy reading. I just wanted to be able to share and discuss the material with my wife. I can never do anything right in my wife's eyes. She wanted to be read the books and go through the journey with me. Now she says I will have expectations of her. I don't know what to say to that. Sometimes, it would be easier to just move to Alaska and fish all day.

 

 

 

 

|

 

 

It is still all about her.

[S2B]

Your wife hasn't suffered enough swift punishments that get her motivated to respect you and to stop pining for her lover.

 

 

After canceling all her credit cards and moving most of the money to your name only in the bank acct - I'd pack her ONE bag and make her leave today!

 

She thinks she is still in charge! That's backwards for the one who cheated... she SHOULD be willing to do anything to help you feel peace of mind. Including telling his wife herself and quitting the job today!

 

And since she's not - she's not sorry she did this - she's only sorry she got caught!

 

Throw her out!!! Then see how much more motivated she gets to do anything you ask!

 

Scare her! Stop being her doormat. Get stronger to gain some control of this marriage.

Edited January 20, 2018 by S2B