Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[wmacbride]

For a bs, getting some time away, even if it's just a week, can be really helpful. It doesn't automatically mean "divorce", but it can give them some time to sort through their emotions away from the chaos.

 

I was lucky in that we had to be apart after my ws told me'd had an affair. It wasn't up to either one of us. That gave me the time to think and know, for sure, that I was staying and reconciling because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to.

 

Another thing op. I know it's tempting to paint the om as some sort of jerk, but really, that doesn't matter. Your wife chose to be with him.I know how hard that can be to deal with and accept, but it's the truth.

 

About them working together...while I understand and agree that your wife should try and get away form there, in the end, it really shouldn't matter. If she is self aware, has strong boundaries and is loyal, she could be working with the most charming, good looking guy on earth and it wouldn't matter. There's be nothing to shut down because nothing would ever get started.

 

 

btw, what does that mean when she says "you always steal her joy"? That's a very odd thing to say.

[S2B]

Has your wife started with counseling?

 

She needs serious help to understand how she's disrespecting you by not implementing a solid boundary that helps the marriage heal.

 

Her attitude is off too - there shouldn't be ONE single things she says that puts any blame onto you.

 

She finds sneaky ways to be mean to you - you know that right?

[sandylee1]

I understand consequences...but why are you telling so many people about the affair ? Like her Ex BF?

[S2B]

I understand consequences...but why are you telling so many people about the affair ? Like her Ex BF?

 

Exposure can/usually motivate a cheater to be more faithful in their future... but it hasn't seemed to faze this cheater.

 

She doesn't seem that sorry she did it - and I'm not convinced she's even sorry she got caught... this is a problem...she hasn't really felt the pain of consequences yet.

 

That's why my suggestions was consequences that might hurt her a little more/enough for her to get motivated to change her frame of mind - and to understand what she may lose if she doesn't go "all in" to the reconciliation and start giving the marriage 150% effort.

 

One thing is certain - if the betrayed spouse is giving way more effort than the one who cheated - the damage they caused never gets repaired.

Edited January 21, 2018 by S2B

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue. I understand your concerns and appreciate your perspective. I tried to call the other spouse three times to no avail. I have to be careful about constantly calling her. She could obtain a RO against me. I am not into that. I don't feel like I have the right to constantly bug her. I have no idea why she has not answered her phone. I prayed, reflected, and thought about the right thing to do in this situation. I would want to know. A letter sucks. I know. I would still want to know. She has my contact information in the letter if she wants to follow up. I won't initiate contact again. What she chooses to do with the information is her business. My guess is she already knows her husband is a slimeball. I don't believe that we can take responsibility for the actions and feelings of others. My priest, wife, and friend (another attorney) have blessed the letter. All three feel it is compassionate and empathetic. I am worried about the **** storm that may hit my wife at her hospital. My wife knows that I have her back. She knows that I will go into full litigator mode if necessary to protect her interests. She emailed the ass a no contact letter on 12/24 and that should cover her if he starts to cause any fall out.

 

I can only pray that the man's wife and kids will be ok after the revelation. Hopefully, he will find his way, and work to make things right with his family. I choose to believe that outcome is possible (although unlikely).

 

I wasn't going to respond to the other person's post but then I saw you responded to me. I actually did a lot of reading on the topic, those were not my thoughts. That is what therapists say on the topic of telling.

 

In my personal life, my H called his wife up. Unfortunately, she called both my husband and myself crazy and liars. He did not get any satisfaction at all. As fate would have it, a year later, his wife would chance upon an email and get the proof she needed to see that she was lied to. So my husband sort of got some vengeance since she(BS) made him leave our mutual place, but she put the blame on herself and his life did not change. Nothing happened to him. Still, we moved on and are together today but it was a long road.

 

For me, I called the OW up but it didn't really get any satisfaction.

 

Most of the people posting are male BS but if want to understand what your wife is going to go through, I'm happy to respond.

[jjgitties]

MidnightBlue. I understand your concerns and appreciate your perspective. I tried to call the other spouse three times to no avail. I have to be careful about constantly calling her. She could obtain a RO against me. I am not into that. I don't feel like I have the right to constantly bug her. I have no idea why she has not answered her phone. I prayed, reflected, and thought about the right thing to do in this situation. I would want to know. A letter sucks. I know. I would still want to know. She has my contact information in the letter if she wants to follow up. I won't initiate contact again. What she chooses to do with the information is her business. My guess is she already knows her husband is a slimeball. I don't believe that we can take responsibility for the actions and feelings of others. My priest, wife, and friend (another attorney) have blessed the letter. All three feel it is compassionate and empathetic. I am worried about the **** storm that may hit my wife at her hospital. My wife knows that I have her back. She knows that I will go into full litigator mode if necessary to protect her interests. She emailed the ass a no contact letter on 12/24 and that should cover her if he starts to cause any fall out.

 

I can only pray that the man's wife and kids will be ok after the revelation. Hopefully, he will find his way, and work to make things right with his family. I choose to believe that outcome is possible (although unlikely).

 

Hi, not sure if anyone else responded, but perhaps the other spouse is ignoring you because she herself has moved on and does not want to revisit that part of her life again?

[sandylee1]

Exposure can/usually motivate a cheater to be more faithful in their future... but it hasn't seemed to faze this cheater.

 

She doesn't seem that sorry she did it - and I'm not convinced she's even sorry she got caught... this is a problem...she hasn't really felt the pain of consequences yet.

 

That's why my suggestions was consequences that might hurt her a little more/enough for her to get motivated to change her frame of mind - and to understand what she may lose if she doesn't go "all in" to the reconciliation and start giving the marriage 150% effort.

 

One thing is certain - if the betrayed spouse is giving way more effort than the one who cheated - the damage they caused never gets repaired.

 

I don't think it justifies notifying her Ex. Telling her family is enough.

Humiliation isn't required and I'd feel humiliated if my Exes were informed. It's really nothing to do with them.

[georgyboy]

I also wonder why it was necessary to contact a former boyfriend.

Unless you are really trying to destroy her.

[BluesPower]

On the former BF...

 

I think they were friends, or became friends after the marriage.

 

So OP was just talking to a friend.

 

But you know what guys... When a cheater is caught, why do they deserve mercy? Is it just of for women to expose the cheating husbands? OR is it OK for everyone to do it.

 

You have a wife here, and OP does not even realize, that is basically clueless about what she has done. This is based of some of her comments that were of course - ALL ABOUT HER.

 

I think it is silly to say, tell everyone, except an old BF that they/He is friends with, or maybe not even friends. Basically who cares.

[justanotheroneofyou]

RS--from my scanning of the thread, it seems that your wife is not remorseful but rather wishy-washy, and likely, can't be trusted if the opportunity presents itself again. It's troubling that she is putting all these monitoring "stops" into place, lest she fall "victim" again. It's almost like a child, clamoring for ways to please his/her parents, after being caught and trying to prove she/he won't do it again.

 

It seems that you are reluctant to end the marriage, primarily because of opportunity costs/past investments, etc. I "get" that; in fact, one of the reasons I stay (drama-less 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' conundrum is what brought me here) is because I enjoy our standard of living (we are both college professors--so no one is hitting it out of the ballpark, but we enjoy a stable life financially and are building wealth). So, yeah, I "get" that, but why don't you give the numbers a second crunch and see if you can move on relatively unscathed. If you really want to salvage the marriage, it might make you feel better were she to quit, but she can find the "goods" elsewhere. You say she's an intelligent woman, all things considered? I wouldn't worry about her financial well-being, post-divorce. Who cares? With you in the pictures, your kids will retain their lifestyle, and college might be cheaper if she claims them . She's resourceful and she'll probably get another gig--perhaps she will not enjoy the standard of living she does with you, but that was on her when she pulled her panties off. I doubt she'll live impoverished after child support (if the kids reside with her, primarily) and perhaps alimony. She'll be fine.

 

Besides, you shouldn't have to be tasked with worrying about the blow-back she will experience, especially when she's not very remorseful. She seems interested in putting out fires and non-committed about whether she will stray again. As for your daughters, I have those, too, and I know how much that figures into the whole equation. Your daughters are in their final years "at home", as it were. It's not like you have toddlers and are starring down a decade of joint custody (BTDT and I would reconsider leaving if I knew how hard this last decade was going to be--mine are 14 and 18). Soon, your girls will be moving on and it will be just you and your WW. I wouldn't figure them highly into the equation since they are nearly adults. They are old enough to process what has happened, the family has been shattered, and the golden days are over, for good. You are young enough to find a partner who will appreciate you and your drive to succeed/career ambitions, etc. Is this really the woman you want to live out your years with? Take away the finances and the daughters and ask yourself that. (This is often the question I ask when I think about whether to leave my boring and highly-driven spouse whose true love is academe--I don't know the answer as it's hard to extract critical things like children [our shared guy is only 9] and finances from the thought-making process).

 

Good luck.

Edited January 21, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou

[road]

I wasn't going to respond to the other person's post but then I saw you responded to me. I actually did a lot of reading on the topic, those were not my thoughts. That is what therapists say on the topic of telling.

 

In my personal life, my H called his wife up. Unfortunately, she called both my husband and myself crazy and liars. He did not get any satisfaction at all. As fate would have it, a year later, his wife would chance upon an email and get the proof she needed to see that she was lied to. So my husband sort of got some vengeance since she(BS) made him leave our mutual place, but she put the blame on herself and his life did not change. Nothing happened to him. Still, we moved on and are together today but it was a long road.

 

For me, I called the OW up but it didn't really get any satisfaction.

 

Most of the people posting are male BS but if want to understand what your wife is going to go through, I'm happy to respond.

 

What happens:

 

The WH got to the BW first. Usually the one that gets to

tell their story first is the one that is believed when the

counter story is told.

 

And,or:

 

So people find that admitting to such truth is something they

cannot handle and refuse to believe and rather live in denial.

They may not be happy but they do not want to lose the life

that they have.

Edited January 21, 2018 by road

[aliveagain]

Thank you for your response and questions DavidJoseph.

 

My wife continued to text him for about 10 days after disclosure. I knew she was texting by the phone usage stats and because I saw some of the text messages after my wife had fallen asleep. Most of the texts were from her with no response from him. The texts were pretty basic at first. "How's it going?" Then morphed into things like "I am done." "I can't do this anymore. This is wrong." " You're just using me and I am using you." He rarely replied except to say things like "things are going ok." No questions or other comments. I pulled the plug on the texting crap on 12/18. I confronted her about and she came clean. I really believe she wanted closure. My wife is a social worker and a therapist. She gets too drawn into other people's drama. This guy has drama for 5 people. I think that is how this thing started. My wife spoke with her boss and came clean on 12/18. She told two of her closest colleagues on that same day as well. She took the remainder of the month off work to avoid him and the drama. This second D-day really rocked her world more than mine. My daughters overheard some of our conversations and could feel the tension when my wife and I went out. They don't trust their mother at all at this time. The most difficult thing is how she destroyed their faith in our family values and beliefs. They no longer feel "safe" in their world.

 

The last thing on this point. My wife asked me to run an errand for her on Sunday evening 12/17. I got to thinking about the texts, got really pissed and went to a bar to have a beer. I lost track of time and was gone for about 3 hours. She spent the entire time desperately texting me about my whereabouts. My daughters were with her the whole time I was gone but I know she was crying the entire time I was gone. My daughters knew too. I told myself that I could never do that to any of them again. I have to keep it together.

 

I missed some of these posts, busy with other things. She was reaching out to him to find out where he stood. She wanted him to fight for her. She was looking for direction from him. What would she have done if he would have asked her to leave you for him? Did you ask her that question? Contacting him for 10 days after being caught in an affair speaks volumes specially when he's not responding to her. That just enforced the reality of what her real standing with him was. Is it possible that she was the aggressor and pursued him? Chasing him for 10 days screams to me that perhaps the marriage was plan "B." Asking you not to contact his wife makes more sense, keeps her different options open while she's waiting for his reply.

[Blueskies66]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

[aliveagain]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

 

ReallyStruggling I would suggest that you take some of the good information that you have received and use it and forget the rest of the B/S. I totally disagree with some of the rug sweeping advice given about moving on because if you don't deal with the cause I can almost guarantee you a repeat of the same at some time in your not too distant future.

[justanotheroneofyou]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

 

 

I completely disagree. My life hasn't been touched by infidelity and that's not to say I'm smug. It's just a fact--now, anyway.

 

She opened the door to the possibility of vilification when she embarked on her self-centered, careless journey. The chips fell where they did and that's the gamble and risk she took. Her return on the investment floundered. Too bad. Her daughters surely would have found out eventually. There's no sugar coating this, especially to the 16 year old. They aren't toddlers and the date of disclosure matters little. He said he told them in a mature way, without details. She cast her own lot and dove into the mud. This is on her. No amount of whitewashing would have helped to assuage things.

 

Sure, I can concede that monogamy is not natural, but the fact is, civic law dictates what is normative. When one shuns what's normative, the repercussions will be user-unique. I've never been a fan of "turn the other cheek," or "be the bigger one." What the hell does taking the high road even mean? Nah. No thanks. That's never gotten me anywhere and I'm pretty successful on a number of counts. She deserves all of it and more.

Edited January 21, 2018 by justanotheroneofyou

[DKT3]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

 

Consequences are consequences, it's not unjust to have to face consequences of ones actions. Do the crime, do the time.

 

Nobility isn't allowing people to disrespect you.

 

Monogamy isn't an idea, it's a way of life, one which OP and his wife chose she then changed the rules without informing him.

 

And yes, she needs to humble herself and live within his boundaries IF she wants him to stay in the marriage, she can't continue her behavior and expect him to hang in and just be ok.

[S2B]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

 

Wait, he dragged her name through the mud?

 

 

Eh, no - she caused this for herself - based on her actions.

 

What he was actually doing was being honest about what she's done.

[atreides]

ReallyStruggling, sorry you are here. I can see the mixed emotions and hell you are living with each post you write.

 

At this point you have done a fair amount of exposure and attempts at the OM's wife.. good on you.

What path are you now seeking? The point is to get out of infidelity by either getting your wife to find and feel true remorse or divorce; the point being do not stay in limbo.

 

She does not seem remorseful at all based on what you wrote and for her to get there is about her getting counseling on her own which if done right will result in her taking the blame 100% for everything, no excuses, no "he manipulated me" and so on... in cheating there is no such thing as an aggressor as choices are made and she as far as you know made it twice. You will never truly be "over this" or have a strong marriage without her remorse.

 

Protection of the OM should never exist compounded with those texts post the discovery; moreover, when she is remorseful, she will be interested in protecting you and be more interested in what you feel over her own feelings.

 

In the last bit of advise... I agree with the latest posts, do not rug sweep this and move on as another poster has suggested... cheating is not about monogamy, that is non sequitur as cheating is about betrayal where as a marriage can decide to be "open" and yet have that betrayed.

 

Having said that, you have to decide if you can wait for your WW to find true remorse which can go for a long time or never happen at all as time goes on vs getting a divorce, letting go of your "norm" the investments and attachments which can always be reestablished. Moreover your children will get past the toxicity of it so long as you keep any divorce civil going forward.

 

Sending strength.

Edited January 22, 2018 by atreides

[Rubix Cubed]

Re: OBS not replying to correspondence

 

It's highly likely that a player like Doc dickhead is savvy to intercept any communication with his wife that might upset his applecart. If his BS has caught any wind of the affair, you have likely been portrayed as a crazy, jealous, abusive husband who accuses his wife of cheating with everyone at work. Some APs even go so far as have another woman call back portraying the OBS.

The above happens often even though it sounds like great extremes to have to go to, the cheaters do it regularly. This is also why it's a good idea to have a face to face meeting with the OBS.

[S2B]

If she trusted herself not to cheat again she wouldn't need coworkers to keep her from interacting with him.

[BMI03]

No one has commented on the fact that some woman is going to get to get a letter in the mail tomorrow saying that her husband is having an affair. I guess no one cares.

 

I feel sorry for this woman. I think this was the wrong way to communicate this information. The OP knows nothing about the this man's family. What if the woman commits suicide? What if she is sick? Pregnant? What if the MM beats her senseless? Will the OP be there to get involved? No he was interjecting himself into a marriage he knew nothing about. For revenge.

 

If he wanted to get involved he should have called her up, like an adult. I hope tomorrow when this woman gets her letter, her world does not collapse.

 

I don't agree with this position at all. This is an error in applying blame that drives me wild. In my eyes, you are suggesting I get mad at my doctor for telling me I have cancer, instead of being mad at the cancer itself.

 

The pain and hurt this woman will feel are real. But that is not the poster's fault. He is sharing truths that exist in the word because of the actions of her spouse. Period. To apply the negative repercussions and consequences of her spouse's actions to the OP simply because he is the source of revelation of these truths to her is a much oversimplified view of the world. It reads of lack of responsibility for actions and tendencies in people to want to blame everyone in the world but themselves for their problems. Not cool at all.

 

To not tell her these truths would be to conspire in lies along side his wife and her OM. Her finding out will certainly inflict pain, but it is thinking about it in much too simple terms to associate that pain with the action of providing information on a wrongdoing vs. the wrongdoing itself.

 

That said, empathy should be used of course. And as you may have missed in the OP post, he has tried to call continuously with no success. In all likelihood the OM is playing blocker now. And he has quite considerately ensured that he is not going to deliver a message to her work where she would have to face it in front of coworkers. I think he is doing all he can.

 

So I don't think it's that people don't care, as you suggest. It's that OP isn't the guy to take that impact up with...her husband is. OP has no blame in whatever unfortunate fallout that could occur in my view.

[BluesPower]

I missed some of these posts, busy with other things. She was reaching out to him to find out where he stood. She wanted him to fight for her. She was looking for direction from him. What would she have done if he would have asked her to leave you for him? Did you ask her that question? Contacting him for 10 days after being caught in an affair speaks volumes specially when he's not responding to her. That just enforced the reality of what her real standing with him was. Is it possible that she was the aggressor and pursued him? Chasing him for 10 days screams to me that perhaps the marriage was plan "B." Asking you not to contact his wife makes more sense, keeps her different options open while she's waiting for his reply.

 

Astute observation...

 

I actually missed this, wow that is a good catch. Unfortunately, Danny still thinks that she really wants to be with him.

 

But with out a doubt, she would have ripped apart her family in a heartbeat if OM had said, come on babe.

 

But in his defense, so many us have tried to believe the same thing, before.

 

I tried so hard for so long to keep my marriage together and I was a complete fool for doing it.

 

As a matter of fact, all of the old values that we were brought up to believe, almost never ever pay off. I know it is cynical.

 

I did not believe in divorce, I believed you kept your family together at all cost, hell or high water. And I was a fool for doing it.

 

Danny, I am afraid is doing the same thing. I believe she will cheat again, probably the same OM.

 

Hey, but maybe we are wrong...

[BluesPower]

Some on this site are consumed by their experiences of infidelity. They have congratulated and given support to you as you rage against your wife. You have vilified her to her daughters and to her family. You are forcing her to either completely swallow her pride and in effect bow down to you.

 

People make mistakes. Monogamy is more of an ideal. Over half the population just can’t do it. You two need to figure out if you can truly build an open honest marriage. Move forward and try to leave the past behind.

 

I think you should have been more mature and worked on your marriage with your wife rather than dragging her name through the mud. You had a chance to be Noble, strong and wise. Your actions make you seem weak.

 

This is insane in every way. Have you ever been involved in infidelity, at all?

 

Have you cheated or been cheated on?

 

I don't mean to be rude but this is the most foolish advice I think I have ever heard.

[Maddieandtae]

It might be foolish to you and many others... and to many others it won't be. Each person can decide for their selves which advice makes the most sense. One size really doesn't fit all ;0

[DKT3]

It might be foolish to you and many others... and to many others it won't be. Each person can decide for their selves which advice makes the most sense. One size really doesn't fit all ;0

 

Well, when you have a wayward spouse like this one there is only one route, DETACH AND LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. She sure isn't looking out for him.