Need Advice about informing other Betrayed Spouse about My Wife's Affair

[aliveagain]

Thank you for your responses. Not sure where to begin. I have the Other betrayed spouse's phone number and address. I also believe I have several good email addresses. There are a number of sources online that will provide you with this type of information. I used these sources all of the time when I litigated. I am hesitant to approach her in person. I don't need him filing a RO against me. I believe I will send a hardcopy letter addressed to her at her home address. She is also a physician and I know where she works but I don't want to do that to her. This will be difficult enough on her without dealing with it at work. I imagine she already knows he is a POS though.

 

If all of these reasons weren't enough to stop her from f+++ing another woman's husband why should these same reasons now be cause not to tell her? That doesn't make any kind of sense. Your telling the other betrayed spouse just how much of a POS her husband is isn't what is going to cause the pain, your wife getting naked and exchanging bodily flu**s with him will. Everything that will hurt her has already happened, your wife knew this before she did the deed with him but that and the potential of loosing you and her children wasn't enough to stop her. She lost her right to object to anything you need to do to protect yourself and your children, she brought the predator into your lives.

 

She has made you an accomplice by asking you to keep a secret between her and her lover. That to me is the same as choosing him over you and shows her level of commitment. Shut that down my friend, it's you or him and nothing in between. Do not let someone that makes really bad decisions decide the fate of your future, she no longer has that right, that right has to be earned. She showed you where her loyalty stands. Draw your line in the sand and defend it, she's all in or ask her to leave. You and the children are the prize and if she can't choose that 100% then make the choice for her. It all comes down to what is it that you want? The woman you now see in front of you is the real woman you married, do what you need to do to protect your children and yourself. Telling you she wants the marriage then telling you to protect her and O/M's a$$ by withholding the information from his wife, that should tell you clearly where she's coming from. Can you imaging someone knowing that your wife is f***ing another man and doesn't tell you? Do the right thing and tell her. This is not this POS's first rodeo. As a physician she understands STD's, please tell her, she is at risk.

Edited January 19, 2018 by aliveagain

[Marc878]

Hire a PI to personally deliver a letter to her.

 

It won't cost much and you'll know she got it.

 

Immediately without warning and don't tell your wife. She is trying to protect him. She'll just warn him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hire a PI to personally deliver a letter to her.

 

It won't cost much and you'll know she got it.

 

Immediately without warning and don't tell your wife. She is trying to protect him. She'll just warn him.

 

^^^This guy gives good, no-nonsense advice.^^^

[JuneL]

So is their workplace going to discipline the OM? I would be surprised if his wife hasn't known about the affair already (especially since both of them are in the medical field).

[wmacbride]

OP,

In your shoes, one of the first things I would do is seek legal advice. Am I right that you practice law yourself? ( sorry if I have that detail wrong). Even if you do, it can be good to have neutral third party hear the details and give you some feedback. That doesn't mean that you are gong to divorce, just that you will have some additional input.

 

Secondly, I would ask myself the really tough question of whether or not you feel like you can really trust your wife at all, and if you ever feel you will be able to again. The idea that she's wallowing around, stuck in self pity is really troubling to me. Right now, it sounds like she has no idea how much damage she has caused and she is not taking responsibility for it. If asked by someone, I have to wonder if she'd try to blame you/ the om/ her circumstances, the fact that the sun came up one day for the fact that she cheated. If she can't get to a place where she says something akin to "I cheated because I wanted to and I felt entitled to do it", your "happy"marriage is toast.

 

Third, if she tries to paint herself as some sort of victim of a predatory om, shut that down immediately. Don't even give it the time of day. She's no victim. She may have fallen for his charms, but that doesn't make her a victim of anything, except her own crappy choices. There are many ws who have an affair,learn a lot from the fallout and put in a lot of work to figure out why they cheated so that they will never make that choice again. They accept responsibility. It doesn't sound like your wife is doing that.

 

Fourth, get some counseling for yourself and your kids. Your wife's actions have hurt the whole family, and healing is needed. If she's still in the "poor me" phase, she's not ready for counseling yet. She may never get out of that stage, but you and your daughters can use the extra support right now.

 

Lastly, while I can't debate the value is hiring a pi or other professional to check up on her, if you are in a place where you feel you have to do so, I wold really question whether or not your marriage is sustainable. For you two to reconcile, you have to both be all in. It can't just be you.

 

About contacting the om's wife, all I can say is that if I was married to a man who had cheated on me, I would want to know so that I could take steps to protect myself and my family...not just from hm, but from any ow who might be less than stable.

 

Best of luck to you and your family. Whatever happens, you'll get through this.

[SammySammy]

When you finish telling everyone, what will you have accomplished?

 

You'll still have a wife you don't trust and who doesn't respect you. A wife you're more than likely are going to divorce anyway.

[ReallyStruggling]

Wow, this discussion has taken on a whole life of its own. My focus was on viability/morality of contacting OM's wife. However, there have been a lot of good/relevant responses so I will take time to address as many questions/concerns as I can this morning.

[ReallyStruggling]

Alright, I think wmacbride's post captures many of the other posts so I'll address this post.

 

Yes I practice law, but currently do not litigate. I would never represent myself in this type of action. I have extensive litigation experience though. I have already discussed the issue with several attorney friends in the divorce field. I maintain our family budget, retirement accounts, and all other financial details. I recently drafted a proposed custody, visitation, and property settlement agreement that will be ready to go should I decide to file a divorce petition.

 

I ask myself every second of every day the same question. Can I ever trust my wife again? She is definitely in woe is me mode. She feels like her Dad and sisters hate her, my family hates her, and me and the kids hate her. She keeps telling me that I will never be able to forgive her. She is just now starting to realize the extent of the damage that she caused. I think it is very overwhelming to her. We had a rough discussion last evening at a local pub. (It was almost empty so it was a good place to talk for a few hours.--I'm sure the bartender now knows a heck of a lot more about our lives than she wanted to though) My wife blames herself and the other guy. She says I should be just as pissed at her as I am at him. I told her not to worry about that. I am probably more pissed at her for destroying our marriage.

 

I wanted to address someone else's point from yesterday. It was my wife's decision to involve her two colleagues at work. She shared everything with them. I did not discuss the affair with them at all. She did it to create some sense of confidence in her and help her be more accountable. I just want her to quit her job. I'm not interested in micromanaging her life. I told her that I don't care if she contacts the doctor again. It will just prove to me that she is totally screwed up when it comes to her values and decision-making. Her peers are pissed at her and refuse to let her hurt her family anymore. One of her colleagues is my daughter's confirmation sponsor.

 

I told my wife that she is 45 years old. She should not require accountability partners to keep her clothes on. Of course she cried when I said that. I told her I don't need accountability partners to ensure I keep my clothes on and I don't need anybody holding my hand to ensure that I maintain healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex. My wife is still working through the accepting responsibility thing. I told her she can always join the doctor if she wants to live an immoral lifestyle because I ain't riding that train down with her.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So...To answer the original question.

 

Now that you see and feel what probably the OW feels, how do YOU feel about notifying her? I think you see where I am going...A resounding YES. And a apology by your WW would probably help in that accepting responsibility part as well....

 

And as for the OM stepping in and creating more drama by putting a CaD on you, I would think you could do the same thing to him. And he would put his work in jeopardy..He won't do it. Plus...It just put his life on blast, and his whole little game of screwing nurses all over the place comes to a screeching halt. It's like yanking the heroin away from a junkie. He wouldn't do it.

[ReallyStruggling]

As for our daughters. My oldest daughter actually suspected something was wrong before I did. She pays attention to everything around her. She saw that her mother was spending a lot of time on the phone in the evening away from the family. This would have been in early November. She told her younger sister about some of what she observed. This doctor is very new at her hospital. I suspect that my wife started to inappropriately cross boundaries sometime in late October/early November. The PA ended on 11/28 and the EA ended on 12/17. My wife is now an open book. All her ideas. She constantly updates me on her whereabouts and I have all login information to her phone, social media, and email. She knows she will have to leave our home if she makes one more bad decision. All of the same rules apply to me as well. I created a spreadsheet of all of my accounts and sign in information. I am now an open book as well. I think we just assumed that each other was 100% trustworthy. I now realize that a marriage is based on trust, but trust is based on communication and honesty and openness. Last night, my wife told me that she thought I no longer loved her. I was so preoccupied with school board, work, and the kid's activities. I never had time to spend with her. She has been telling me for over a year that she really wanted a date night each week but I never made time for her. I know this did not cause the affair. She told me that she is 100% responsible for the affair and for her horrible decisions that led to it. However, I can't help but think that I was a negligent husband. I saw her more as a mother than I did as my special person or special companion.

 

My daughters are both in IC and they are very upset with their mother. They feel she has betrayed them, me, and our core values as a family. It is going to be a long road before they can start to trust their mother or me again. They see me as a weak enabler at this point. My focus now is on trying to restore their faith in me and our family.

[ReallyStruggling]

Agreed BarbedFenceRider. My wife gave me permission to write the letter and send the email. She does not want to face the OW but I think you are right. This scumbag doctor will not apologize or face me but I told my wife she is made of better stuff than this doctor. We shall see.

[Maddieandtae]

Children have no business knowing the insides of their parents private relationship troubles. The disrespect your children are showing your wife is teaching them how to disrespect everyone they encounter.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I'm sorry. But you need to know that you are not a weak enabler. You are the provider for the family and she would've done the same thing if you took her ballroom dancing every friday night. Sorry, but it's true. Don't get wrapped up with your head. And as for the IC. Kuddos for the kiddos. But make sure they are not receiving mixed messages about you not being trustworthy...If anything, you are the rock in all of this. If they are getting that message, you need to ask the therapist WTF! Be it known that you are PAYING for all of this with your money and time and heart. You may move it elsewhere, if you are made out to be a boogie man.

A word of caution as well towards your WW. She is attempting blame shifting quietly by mentioning the "dating" stuff. Next, she may throw out the "Can't we just move on from this..." Don't go there bud. Stick to the program, and always remember that you can co-parent your kids without being married to a weak willed person that you don't trust....She needs to keep the focus on her own boundaries and actions to make YOU feel better. Not the other way around.

[ReallyStruggling]

Permission was the wrong word. She gave me her blessing. I would have sent it anyway. My wife wanted me to speak with our priest before sending. She believes I am sending for revenge. I assured her that I am sending the letter because I would want OW to contact me if the roles were reversed. My wife said she thinks my letter is very compassionate and empathetic. She was surprised that I was so empathetic. I told her that I generally am empathetic with my clients and colleagues. Too often, I just forgot how to feel empathy for my wife.

[ReallyStruggling]

I agree with you Maddieandtae. Unfortunately, my wife made no real attempt to cover her tracks on social media or her phone so my daughters gleaned much more information than they should have. When they approached me with questions, I merely told them their mother has sinned very badly and made some very bad decisions that will affect our family. They already knew what decisions she had made. I told them further details are not their business or in their best interest. Their counselors are working through this with them.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thanks Barbed Fence. I know that I am a strong person. I deal with conflict everyday. It is different when it involves my family. You start to doubt yourself. My wife told me the thing she really hates about this is how she has wrecked my self-esteem. I told her my self-esteem will be just fine. It was fine before I knew her and it will be fine now. She already tried the "can't we just move on thing". Her counselor told her that this will take years to resolve if I have the patience and desire to continue our relationship. I still wonder if she has the inner strength to deal with everything. Her decisions (meaning she) have wrecked a lot things in our lives. She is going to have to figure out how to accept things will be different going forward. If we do reconcile, we are going to have a new marriage/relationship. Our marriage is now dead. She does not want to admit that yet. Her relationships with my family and our friends are going to change. She will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. My sisters are pissed at my wife. They both want me to leave her. My wife will have to do the best she can to mend those fences and live with the new relationship--whatever that looks like in the future. I can't believe she did not think this through. My wife told me she had no idea this would happen. She figured I would leave her, the kids would go with me, she would live depressed in a little apartment and nobody would get hurt. She figured I would just reunite with my long ago former fiancé from law school and live happily ever after (My God, that was 24 years ago I haven't spoken with the women since 1994.) I can't believe how someone can just go down crazyville lane. She knew this doctor would not be a soft landing. Her friends tell me he is an a**hole and known horndog. He generally goes for the younger women. She was just a roll in the hay for him.

 

I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I told my wife that she is 45 years old. She should not require accountability partners to keep her clothes on. Of course she cried when I said that. I told her I don't need accountability partners to ensure I keep my clothes on and I don't need anybody holding my hand to ensure that I maintain healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex.

 

Ha! Love this. It kinda reminded me of a story on GMA this morning, about how the Pope married two flight attendants on a recent flight. The marital advice he gave them was to make sure your wedding rings are not too tight, because they will torture you, but not too loose because they will fall off.

[ReallyStruggling]

Thank you for sharing that Cautiously Optimistic. I've got an 11am meeting so I gotta get going. Thank you for listening everyone.

[Jamess1]

Your mentality is already wrong : what do you mean you had to be an open book with your emails, phone numbers etc? She is the one who cheated, she is the one who has to do all that, not you.

 

She is also gaslighting you : trying to make u feel guilty and accountable for her affair, she cheated, her alone, nothing u did or didn't do was to blame.

 

Relationships are not based on trust, not even comunication. Thats a myth.

 

Stop being a 'beta' : the type of man who always defaults to blaming himself for everything his wife does, who can't hold her fuly acountable and responsible.

 

Your wife cheated becoz of her 'hypergamy' : she perceives the man she cheated on u with to be of 'higher value' than u, more 'alpha' than u : ' women want to fu*ck a man other man want to be, and other women want to fu*ck' : thats why even if a man has a reputation of having affairs, or been a womanizer, player, like the guy yo wife cheated with, they wil complain but stil fu*ck him

 

Your wife has 'genuine desire' and 'attraction' for the other guy, that's why she fu*cked him, even though it was wrong and this 'genuine desire' in a woman can not be negotiated : thats why most of the time concelling doesn't work : even if she stays with u, whether she tels u or nt, she might no genuinely desire to be with u or respect u

 

How to inspire genuine desire in a woman : be more alpha, demonstrate high value, deep inside, beyond her drama and acting your wife doesn't realy believe u wil leave her 4 fu*ckn another man, nd becoz of dat she wont and cant respect u :dont negotiate, tel here wat u going to do and do it, tel her u r divorcing her and do it. Tel her u wil work things out after u r done divorcing her, leave as fast as posible. Tel her u dont and u wont b able to respect her as a wife : u r beta of starting a new relationshp than u r trying to fix a mariage with a woman who took another mans co*ck, actions always speak louder than words.

[BluesPower]

As for our daughters. My oldest daughter actually suspected something was wrong before I did. She pays attention to everything around her. She saw that her mother was spending a lot of time on the phone in the evening away from the family. This would have been in early November. She told her younger sister about some of what she observed. This doctor is very new at her hospital. I suspect that my wife started to inappropriately cross boundaries sometime in late October/early November. The PA ended on 11/28 and the EA ended on 12/17. My wife is now an open book. All her ideas. She constantly updates me on her whereabouts and I have all login information to her phone, social media, and email. She knows she will have to leave our home if she makes one more bad decision. All of the same rules apply to me as well. I created a spreadsheet of all of my accounts and sign in information. I am now an open book as well. I think we just assumed that each other was 100% trustworthy. I now realize that a marriage is based on trust, but trust is based on communication and honesty and openness. Last night, my wife told me that she thought I no longer loved her. I was so preoccupied with school board, work, and the kid's activities. I never had time to spend with her. She has been telling me for over a year that she really wanted a date night each week but I never made time for her. I know this did not cause the affair. She told me that she is 100% responsible for the affair and for her horrible decisions that led to it. However, I can't help but think that I was a negligent husband. I saw her more as a mother than I did as my special person or special companion.

 

My daughters are both in IC and they are very upset with their mother. They feel she has betrayed them, me, and our core values as a family. It is going to be a long road before they can start to trust their mother or me again. They see me as a weak enabler at this point. My focus now is on trying to restore their faith in me and our family.

 

Agreed BarbedFenceRider. My wife gave me permission to write the letter and send the email. She does not want to face the OW but I think you are right. This scumbag doctor will not apologize or face me but I told my wife she is made of better stuff than this doctor. We shall see.

 

I think you are doing pretty well so far, But there are just a few things that you are saying that you REALLY need to change your mind set on...

 

First, you may have, like many men that are raising a family and have a demanding job, been somewhat neglectful of your wife and your marriage.

 

This is something that you are aware of now, and it is something that does happen, esp to men. You have to fix this, but brother, now is not the time to deal with that in any way.

 

The bottom line with all of this is that NOW, with her affair, the old problems are gone. THE ONLY PROBLEM, that you guys have is the pain and damage that her affair has caused. That is the only thing you deal with for the time being.

 

I am not saying that you both don't have to address those issues in the future. JUST NOT NOW.

 

Second, the "Dating" issue, and anything else that she sends your way, that in any way could conceivably sound in like blame shifting has to be shut down hard and fast. And frankly, when she does that, she should get an A$$ reaming for even saying it out loud.

 

This is the only way, and you have to do it every time, for her to see that SHE is the one with the issue. She caused this, not you. And she needs to understand that YOUR mind is not made up yet about staying with her. She could be out on her butt next month and she needs to get that through her head. You need her to get that you are not playing, and one more mistake ends the marriage for you.

 

Third, Your daughters perception that you have been weak, is probably correct as much as that probably hurts you.

 

It is imperative that you correct this trait. You are probably a guy that actually hates to be black and white, and you probably hate to give ultimatums, and you probably are not comfortable giving orders that cannot be argued with.

 

If you are any of those things, you have to get over it. You are the KING of your castle, and now is the time to defend it. You may or may not stay with your wife, but tending toward being really nice and kind of weak needs to be over for you. You are probably a terror in the court room, but not so much with your wife.

 

NOW is the time to change that once and forever.

 

1) Examples, you don't "Ask her permission" to contact the other betrayed spouse... You do it. If she has a problem with that, then she can hit the road.

 

2) You don't ask her to quit her job, you don't talk to her about quitting her job, you order it, TODAY. If she has a problem, get the F*** out now.

 

You don't ask about these things, you order it done. Now and forever is not the time to be nice, now is the time to be hard and strong. Never again be weak...

 

These things I am telling you may seem like inside baseball, but I assure you that they make a difference in how your wife with treat you and how you fell about yourself.

 

And to everyone saying that he was wrong to involve his kids, well folks, the kids figured it out before he did...

[BluesPower]

Your mentality is already wrong : what do you mean you had to be an open book with your emails, phone numbers etc? She is the one who cheated, she is the one who has to do all that, not you.

 

She is also gaslighting you : trying to make u feel guilty and accountable for her affair, she cheated, her alone, nothing u did or didn't do was to blame.

 

Relationships are not based on trust, not even comunication. Thats a myth.

 

Stop being a 'beta' : the type of man who always defaults to blaming himself for everything his wife does, who can't hold her fuly acountable and responsible.

 

Your wife cheated becoz of her 'hypergamy' : she perceives the man she cheated on u with to be of 'higher value' than u, more 'alpha' than u : ' women want to fu*ck a man other man want to be, and other women want to fu*ck' : thats why even if a man has a reputation of having affairs, or been a womanizer, player, like the guy yo wife cheated with, they wil complain but stil fu*ck him

 

Your wife has 'genuine desire' and 'attraction' for the other guy, that's why she fu*cked him, even though it was wrong and this 'genuine desire' in a woman can not be negotiated : thats why most of the time concelling doesn't work : even if she stays with u, whether she tels u or nt, she might no genuinely desire to be with u or respect u

 

How to inspire genuine desire in a woman : be more alpha, demonstrate high value, deep inside, beyond her drama and acting your wife doesn't realy believe u wil leave her 4 fu*ckn another man, nd becoz of dat she wont and cant respect u :dont negotiate, tel here wat u going to do and do it, tel her u r divorcing her and do it. Tel her u wil work things out after u r done divorcing her, leave as fast as posible. Tel her u dont and u wont b able to respect her as a wife : u r beta of starting a new relationshp than u r trying to fix a mariage with a woman who took another mans co*ck, actions always speak louder than words.

 

Dude... not saying your wrong...

 

But could we try to use complete sentences and some standard punctuation. That stuff is kind of hard to read...

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I can't believe she did not think this through. My wife told me she had no idea this would happen.

 

I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.

 

I spent the first year trying trying to figure this out with my wife's affair. I finally gave up and accepted that I'll never fully understand what goes through a cheaters mind. (It's one of the primary reasons I joined this forum)

 

Such a huge price is paid for what? Fleeting limerence? A roll or two in the hay? How many lives and relationships are now forever changed by two peoples' selfishness and lack of self-respect? I don't get it.

 

If you chose reconciliation, it's a long and arduous road.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Betrayed&Stayed

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I spent the first year trying trying to figure this out with my wife's affair. I finally gave up and accepted that I'll never fully understand what goes through a cheaters mind. (It's one of the primary reasons I joined this forum)

 

Such a huge price is paid for what? Fleeting limerence? A roll or two in the hay? How many lives and relationships are now forever changed by two peoples' selfishness and lack of self-respect? I don't get it.

 

If you chose reconciliation, it's a long and arduous road.

 

There are so many people who come here wanting to understand this or that (infidelity, being dumped, etc.). When it comes to cheating, be glad you don't understand. If you did, you'd be like them.

[Jamess1]

I just don't get it. My therapist said I probably never will fully understand. I think that is the most difficult thing for me. I have an insatiable need to understand why things happen.

 

Late life hypergamy

https://therationalmale.com/2016/06/16/late-life-hypergamy/

 

Hypergamy doesn't care

https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/16/hypergamy-doesnt-care/

 

She turned on me

https://therationalmale.com/2015/01/18/she-turned-on-me/

[Jamess1]

There are so many people who come here wanting to understand this or that (infidelity, being dumped, etc.). When it comes to cheating, be glad you don't understand. If you did, you'd be like them.

 

I understand, in fact I know how the doctor who fu*cked your wife did it, your wife isn't the first and won't be the last. Years ago I would have considered him a 'bad man', ' the enemy', but not anymore, he is just being a man, living up to his biological imperative

 

Women respond to ' game '; that Dr sees women for what they truly are, he saw your wife for what she truly is as a woman : something you are incapable of because you are 'unplugged'

 

We are a small percentage of men who ' just get it ' and women know us when they meet us. If you understood the female nature you would have simply divorced your wife, and never marry again, divorcing her wouldn't even be hard for you to do.