Im lost, because of the details around my wifes rape... Im a mess.

[Imlostnow]

Hi Loveshack community,

Im new here, and I hope Im doing this right.

 

My story is one of distrust. Me and her are both 21.

 

I didnt know she was violated until a few days before christmas. Im lost, and I want to believe her but I have my doubts about the whole truth to the situation... it breaks my heart to have these doubts but I do.

 

Ill start off by saying we are deeply in love. I know I love this woman with everything I have. I have done everything I can for us. We were a burning ball of passion when we first met. So many dreams we shared. So many secrets we disclosed. We know (or so I thought) everything about one another.

 

Let me just start this already. 2 years ago we found out we were having a baby. Terrified by this I knew things were gonna change. We were SO not ready, but we did the best we could and are still to this day just barely making it by.

 

Once the baby was born I took the only job I could find, which caused my schedule to be ripped upside down. We both started becoming distant. She was awake with the baby while I was resting from overnights at my job. We just started becoming farther apart. Not by choice, but it happened.

 

We were tired of our current living situation, but didnt have enough money to move on our own. So she got a job, and we moved out into our own apartment. Living alone, just me, her and the baby.

 

She worked at this new job for at least four months. It made us more distant, but we were happy to be on our own. Since the baby our sex life went down drastically. I hated it (duh). She was going through the depression that comes with child birth. She felt down on her self. Low self esteem, she felt alone because we only were together it felt like on weekends. She had issue with her weight gain. She just felt really low.

 

She is a needy person. Not a bad thing, but she needs affection. I wasnt there alot because of my work, and so she started seeking friendship. Her bestfriend went off to college and she doesnt have many friends (me either). So she sought friendship in the work place.

 

She became friends with two couples. One couple met AT work. The female in this new couple was currently married, and the dude knew this, and my gf knew it too. I told her that made me feel uncomfortable. Knowing that she hung out with cheaters made me feel wierd and eventually that new couples relationship BLEW TO PIECES, and that dude came over crying and seeking pity from my gf. I told her I didnt like that at all either, but it is what it is and after that moment she stopped talking with those two. (A massive blow up at work got the dude fired, and the girl quit)

 

Then there is the second couple. The guy is the one who caused the most doubt in her in my mind. There were constant warning signs with this couple. I constantly told her how uncomfortable he made me considering how dry our relationship had been. (I tried all the time to spark that flame back up.) But, for example. She comes home and tells me how that if I got messages from random girls saying she had slept with him in the parking lot at work that they were lying. They were just jealous or upset that he was her friend and not theres. Then, I find out that they were using snapchat together. She swears that it was innocent. That he used that app because his phone was off and it was free to use. I told her to please stop that. To please consider how this whole situation is making me feel. She bought them baby formula. She helped him out with baby clothes ( the fact that they had a baby is why she says she was friends with them in the first place) she continued to talk to him on snapchat even after knowing my discomfort. This guy even brought up how his gf found another girl on craigslist, and how hes cool with it. Implying that theyre down for threesomes. I told her I didnt like this either... I didnt like any of this I made it very clear. This guy smokes weed( my gf doesnt, but her mom got some for the guy and my gf without my knowledge told him he could come pick it up after his work shift.) When I was away at work. I had no idea he was coming over. It was 10 at night. She says she had no intention of letting him in the house. He shows up, knocks, she opens the door, gives him the pot, and then he asks to come inside for a drink... this is where the rape begins... beware... my heart is broken...

 

He comes into my house, theyre alone. My baby is asleep in our bedroom. They go to the kitchen. He gets a drink, and I guess my gf turned her back to him, because he proceeds to grab her by the back of the neck. Take her to the living room. (I dont know what happened in exactly what order, but I know entirely to much for my heart to handle. )bends her over rapes her from behind... on our couch. He got her in a position close to missionary... he put his mouth on her privates. He had her basically entirely naked. He put his penis in her mouth. He came inside of her... Im trying not to go into detail, but you get it. He did everything to her he could basically.... during this my baby apparently woke up and fell out of bed screaming her heart out... she didnt see anything but... man...

 

She says she said no, she says she fought, she didnt have any bruises that I could visably see. She says she got rid of the clothes. She didnt call anyone, not the cops, not me. No family. No friends. She says she waited a week to get checked on. But she says after he left she just vomited showered and went to bed. I came home during my lunch. She gets up tells me she was feeling sick and that she was gonna go lie down.

 

She says he threatened to black mail her, saying they were having a affair for months if she said anything. So she was scared to tell me. So she didnt tell me and then these things happen.

 

So after the rape, he shows up at my daughters birthday (she says she invited him before the rape and was to afraid to tell him not to come.) He eats food I cooked, he talks to us, he shook my hand, he looked me in my eyes, and she allowed him to humilate me basically. I had no idea what had happened and I was just a fool.

He shows up at her moms house to buy more weed, and he tries to sleep with her. Telling her "he has a big dick" and offering to give it to her. They didnt sleep together, but my gf mom told her about it, and THEN she decides to try to tell her mom. Her mom apparently told her to stop talking about it because she couldnt handle it. After she finds out about what he said to her mom. She sends him a message on snap chat I will never get to see. Basically saying we would kill him, and to stay the **** away.

 

For someone so afraid of this man, she threatens him, and STILL doesnt tell me. My kid our kid was in danger and she still didnt tell me. Her mom was in danger, and she didnt tell. I was humilated by having him at our daughters birthday and she didnt tell.

 

She didnt tell me a thing for about a year and six months. She didnt collect any evidence, no pictures of bruises or any messages.

 

Me and her have had ONE arguement that turned kinda physical. In the sense that I grabbed her arms because she was swinging at me. She took pictures of that. There werent even bruises, but she took pictures of the red marks. I WAS BRUISED BUT I DIDNT DO THAT.

She always saves her conversations when theyre important. But no a single message from this was saved... there is just NOTHING. Nothing but her word, but she did so many things in that time that made me question her, and now that I know everything I question it all more, because she didnt save a thing to show her truth to be fact.

 

I want to believe her. I love her to death, and for every doubt I have she has a answer, but I still have this feeling of not having the whole truth.

 

I dont want to leave her. Shes my heart. We had rules that we always talked about in the beginning. Not to talk to the opposite sex on stuff like snapchat. Not to do things that made me or her uncomfortable. She even admits she wouldnt want me talking to another female on snapchat. Especially if she didnt KNOW.

 

She met him without my knowledge.

She talked to him behind my back.

She knew my discomfort with him.

I warned her... we had a mutual respect fr each others rules and she broke them therefore breaking her respect for me.

 

I feel so much distrust for her now. She was capable of keeping this from me for SO LONG. If she can hide this she can hide anything. She met him without my knowledge and this happens...

 

I have been there for her sense finding this out, but my doubts are eating at me. I know she will never own up to something if she indeed did cheat. I feel like she is just hiding truth to make me not leave.

 

How do I get past this? How do I trust again? Should I trust again?

 

She swears she was just trying to be nice... she swears she had no temptation. She swears there was no cheating.

 

Why meet him without my knowledge. Why was he there AS SOON AS I LEFT FOR WORK BASICALLY...

 

Why did this have to happen... after all of this Our relationship fell even more to pieces. I didnt know why, and it was very clear I was concerned for her. I was concerned for us. I thought she didnt love me anymore. I thought she hated me. I felt alone for 2 yrs and never cheated. Never gave her suspicion of me cheating. I respect her. I didnt want to put doubt in her head, EVER. She planted all this doubt in my mind, and now Ill never get to the truth.

 

Im just so alone now. I feel cold. I feel so much distrust and betrayel. I know so many of you will probably disagree with me. Or wont see where Im coming from. Maybe Im a monster. I feel bad for how I feel toward her, trust me I do... she is the love of my life. I just dont understand....

 

I am haunted in my dreams from the details I know. Im haunted that his thing was in her mouth. Idk why but that eats at me so much and I cry and cry. I just keep crying. I cant stop seeing this in my head. I cant sleep in peace, I breath... I need help...

 

Just fyi. I was raped as a kid. Violently at 5 yrs old. Bruised and broken...

 

I need to know what others think... I need to hear someone elses take. Please help, and please dont be to hurtful... Im broken already...

[BluesPower]

Well, this is delicate...

 

Based on what you said, she is lying about everything. Her mom is helping her cover it up.

 

I could make a list for you of what is sketchy, but you listed most of them in your post.

 

Better, more truthful story.

 

"I am sorry but I had an affair with this guy and he went crazy and said he was going to tell you."

 

You are kind of being a fool here.

 

You are telling me that a woman that took pictures of the ONE time you grabbed her arm, is going to not report a rape. Come on now, you really don't believe that, now do you???

 

I think you need to sit her down, and say, "Listen, I don't believe your story. This is your one chance to come clean with me, or I will be leaving."

[anika99]

How did you find out? did she just suddenly tell you out of the blue or did you find out some other way?

[Imlostnow]

Well, we moved out of state, and were still lacking in the sex department.

 

I sent a message to this girl, heres how the message went.

 

Hi!

Did I know you from **** *****.

 

I felt bad after sending the messages, because I knew it was temptation making me do it so I deleted it. And blocked the person.

 

She found the messages because her account is linked to mine on her phone.

 

She confronted me about it, and I was honest with her about how I had a moment of weakness and regretted what I did as soon as I did it and deleted her and the messages.

 

I was honest. That conversation had it started could have gone anywhere. But it didnt. I backed out.

 

Then she proceeds to tell me about what happened through a message...

 

And now Im here...

 

Idk. Maybe Im the one who is blind here.

I just feel she isnt being honest with me...

But yeah, thats my sin. One moment of weakness.

If it werent for that moment though, who knows when she would have told me.

[amaysngrace]

She spies on you? Yea, that's a guilty conscience acting right there

 

People who are trustworthy trust others.

[todreaminblue]

im not going to say she is lying because i cant...i dont want to believe that your gf would lie about a rape...i know that women have and do make up rapes...i just dont like to think about it.... because it reminds me why i didnt report rape and why my parents didnt report my rape as a child....the courts capacity to put survivors through the wringer.....publicly outed ...called liars ...disbelieved....etc......

 

if you feel she is lying about this i dont know how you can continue to live with her.....or why you would want to ......and what if she is telling the truth could you imagine how it would feel if someone doubted that you have been raped as a child???...could you ever imagine making that up?????..

 

when i was a young girl i told a friend who told her mother who then proceeded to say i was an evil demon seed.....for thinking of such things.....and making up such horrible lies......i was ostracised for many years...isolated....not only by my parents who wanted to protect me from further harm but from school classmates who shunned me....on loveshack when i told my story i was basically called a liar ....thats the thing about truth it is stranger than fiction.....truth is easier to discard as lies.....hits harder if you believe truth...it has the capacity to change hearts ...thats truth........some people dont want to believe truth because then they will have no choice but to change their hearts.....i appreciate change........and i love truth

 

as far as rape goes until proven otherwise i believe people who tell me they were raped...men and women....they seem to find me....i believe god wants them to find me....either for them to help me face certain parts of me......or me to help them heal

 

 

i feel with you....you need to seriously check your heart and if you believe truly in that heart of yours without any shadows of doubt she is lying ....then you guys need to sort that crap out....or split because it will become really hard for you to cope with the triggers from your own experiences.....man.....if she knows your history and said this as a lie to you.....she is cold ....heartless.......

 

 

have you considered enforcing counselling......for the both of you if you are going to continue to be a family i feel this would be a really good option.......because you arent going to get absolution or what you really need on here .......i wish you the very best and hope that you can heal.....deb

Edited January 2, 2018 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

You need to seek professional help here, from people who deal with rape and its aftermath.

As deb said many many men and women will not report rape, will not tell spouses/partners, friends and family and will keep it all hidden for years or even decades or forever.

YOU are struggling to believe her, but that doesn't mean she is lying, many men cannot deal with their partner's rape. It is not an uncommon reaction and you are obviously triggered too due to past events when you were a child, that is why you both need professional help to get through this.

[BluesPower]

I assure you she is lying...

 

I understand that you never want to "Not believe" a rape report.

 

But let's look at the behavior.

 

1) She was texting the guy and you told her many times that it made you uncomfortable. She knew it bothered you and continued.

 

2) She was friends with the girl in the couple. So if they swing or want to, she could have been a participate in that.

 

3) When you texted the girl, she thought that the chick would/may have exposed her. Because somebody knows.

 

4) She checks up on you and you have not cheated, that we know of... That is classic cheater behavior. Worrying about you cheating because she is herself a cheater.

 

5) She did not report a rape, that happened in your house, and no marks on her that you can remember. And the one time that you grabbed her arm, she took pictures. She knows how the process works. But she did not report and she showered afterwards and she knows that would destroy all the evidence. Sounds like two different girls to me.

 

No, he may have raped her, but he did it because they had been sleeping together. Probably him, his wife and your wife. But who knows.

 

You should talk to some people from the old stomping grounds. Since you guys are gone, they may open up more than previously. Just ask them straight out, was my wife screwing around with Mr. X.

 

So, in my opinion, she is lying.

[healing light]

This story just doesn't sit right with me.

 

In particular, the part of her warning you about multiple other women potentially telling you she slept with him in the parking lot in front of work, simply because they're jealous. Then continuing to snap chat him secretively after knowing it was bothering you, and saying she didn't want to come clean because he was going to threaten to tell you that they've been having an affair for "several months." All while the sex is less than ever in your relationship...

 

I'm not usually one to question women about made up rapes, but none of what she told you adds up or makes sense to me. Honestly, none of it.

[doyathinkso]

Is she willing to press charges?

 

If so then take it to court.

[Imlostnow]

Ive already posted this, but I didnt go into deep detail... This is a hard post for me. I love her dearly, and I hate the doubt I have in my mind, but let me try to explain why I feel how I do.

 

I get this post will probably make me look horrible, but just imagine being in my shoes. Feeling manipulated. Not listened to. I feel like a terrible human, but I feel my emotions are validated. Sorry for this jambled mess. I just feel broken and confused...

 

I am 22, she 21.

 

I didnt know about my girlfriends rape until a year and a half after it happened...

 

Do not judge me for this part, but we had a baby, and since the baby was born, for over TWO years. Ive been in a almost sexless relationship. I had a moment of weakness and sent a random girl on messenger a message that reads like this.

Hi!

Do you have a insta?

Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

After sending the messages I deeply regretted it. Deleted them and blocked her. She found the messages though because our accounts are synced. Thats when she decided to tell me what happened. If it wasnt for my weakness I would probably NEVER know about the rape.

 

We are madly in love and had a very passionate relationship. She got pregnant maybe around a year into relationship. We got together right after high school. We've been together for 4 years now.

 

After the baby was born... we kinda fell of(sexually, emotionally.) I started a new job that was draining my energy, and she was at home with our new born, mom, and grandma. (We lived with her mom and grandma)

 

We both became depressed, I was dealing with my crazy drug addict mom. She disappeared, had warrants and just went M.I.A. I was worried to death, stressed from my new job, stressed about the new baby, stressed about the lack of sex(I knew it was normal, post pregnancy for things to slip off sexually) So I wasnt to worried. My gf and I just kept getting more distant though.

 

My gf says she starting feeling alone, misunderstood, insecure(shes already naturally insecure) and just upset with how she looked. Just very lonely... also face with PPD.

 

I felt alone too...

 

Eventually we wanted to move out, and with my income alone it wasnt enough to support us. So she got a job. She started work and made friends at work. (Shes not a people person, shes nice, but normally doesnt try to make friends.) So considering where are relationship was at I became cautious of her new friends.

 

She says she made these friends because she was lonely. Felt she couldnt talk to me. She says its like she was on another planet.

 

What sucks is I feel I have bent over backwards to be the best man I could be for her... I would message her frequently when we were seperated... I would answer EVERY call. And yes, we didnt get to see each other in person as much, but I was still present in our relationship. Still did anything she asked...

 

We saved enough money to move into our own apartment. We happily got our keys and moved in.

 

I started working dead shift hours, The job would be lighter, and less stressful, and I was so drained that I jump at the chance to be able to go a little slower... (I didnt think about how bad of a decision that was for our relationship.) I regret it deeply...

 

She started getting closer to these new friends. The first set of friends Ill mention became a couple when they met each other at work. The problem with that is... the woman was married. They were coming over to our house after work. Hanging out, but I wasnt there most of the time. I found out about the fact that the girl in this relationship was cheating, and I told my gf I didnt like it. I didnt like housing the cheating (not saying they screwed in our house, but still we were housing her infedelity, and I didnt want to be involved in that.) Plus I wasnt there sometimes. I dont know what happened. My gf insisted that it was known of our business. That her husband was abusive(so she was told we'll never know). I told her I dont care, I dont like it. She didnt listen to my concerns. I told her that the woman was just gonna run back to her husband once shes done ****ing around, and guess what... she did, and the affair BLEW UP AT WORK... The dude was fired, and the girl quit. The dude came over to our house RIGHT after I left for work. Crying, and babbling on to my gf... alone... I hated it. I told her no more with these people, and FINALLY she stopped hanging out with them.

 

Now to the next friend she made... She says the reason she became friends with him was because he had a newborn baby girl, and a son. He had a wife. She says she felt a comon ground with this person( the woman I just talked about before, the cheater, had kids also) Again I felt uncomfortable at first only because our relationship was slipping. So I held back on my concerns. One day close to when she started this job. She comes home to me and says something like:

 

I just wanna let you know about something going on at work.

These girls have been bullying me from day one.

Today they were being mean and making fun of me and other people in our trainee class.

Well (new guy friend) was looking for a second job, but his phone was off.

So he asked if he could borrow mine.

I said yes, and we went to his car.

When we got back in, the bully girls said

You better wash your hands and mouth dont nobody want what you got.

They also said, arent you married?

And threatened to tell me about how they had ****ed in his car...

 

When she tells me this... my heart sank. Because it put alot of doubt in my head. For one she couldve been covering her tracks if she actually had cheated, but... I had no proof. I just told her how uncomfortable that makes me and to please just think of me when she is out in the world. Thankyou for the heads up... I gave her the benefit of the doubt and got passed it...

 

She said she would like for our families to meet at a park. So i did, I didnt click with them. I dont like people all that much. I didnt hate them. I was just indifferent. Wasnt interested really, but if the friendship made her happy. Okay...

 

 

Before I start this next doubt I just want to say... We had ground rules of things we both dont like and dont want each other to do. The thing Im about to mention, we had talked about BEFORE this happened. We talked and made it clear what we are and are not comfortable with. We had discusions and agreed to not be ALONE with someone of the opposite sex without at least telling one another about it first.

 

The next thing that put doubt in my mind is... I went through her phone one day(she goes through mine too, its something WE do.) And I found out that they have been chatting on snapchat... I confront her about it, and I asked her why didnt she let me know about this. We had rules, she wouldnt want me snapchatting a girl at my work. I told her I really do NOT approve of this. She says that the only reason she used it with him is because he didnt have his phone on and when he has wifi, that is the way he talked to people. I told her that there are FAR more effective ways of texting for free with wifi... I told her that I was uncomfortable... I didnt even know she had downloaded the app. She didnt really use it for anyone other than him... I just know and said she wouldnt want me doing it so I dont want her to. She deletes the app... but then my ****ing guilty conscious tells me Im being a controlling dick and I need to let her use the app. So I told her she can use it if she wants, but that it makes me very uncomfortable. Just AGAIN tell her to please think of me. I asked her if I had anything to worry about... she said no. They continue talking.

I will never get to see these messages... I will never know what happened in the pictures... I WILL NEVER KNOW.

 

 

Third thing that made me have doubt and warned me again was this. She said one day at work he starts talking to her about how his wife found a girl on craigslist. How he was cool with it. I felt SO uncomfortable with this. I told my gf he Basically is implying they were cool with 3 ways... that he was trying to put the idea in her head. I told her Im really not liking this ****... she still didnt listen to me.

 

Id like to say... my gf isnt into drugs. Shes smoked pot once, and hates the fact thhat her mom and grandma smoke. So the fact that she did this was SOOO out of character. For whatever reason. I need to ask... damnit. But, her new friend found out my gf mom knew where to buy weed. So he asks my gf to get her to buy some for him... So my gf gets the weed, and he comes over while Im home to pick it up. She asked to make sure it is okay for her to do that again and I told her... its okay, as long as she stays safe... I figured she knew what that meant. I just know she knew I didnt want her doing that alone... (her dealing with weed was SO out of character.)

 

Well the next time he wanted some pot, she gets it... invites him to pick it up after his work shift... at 10 oclock at night... while I was at work. She didnt tell me he was coming to pick it up... I was clueless.

 

Just fyi. We lived in a apartment complex. With neighors in every direction.

 

This is when the rape takes place...

 

Before he got there my baby got put to bed and was sleeping in the bedroom.

 

He comes to the door, she opens it. Gives him the weed. Then she says she thought it would be over. But he then asks to get a drink of water. So she says okay. Goes to the kitchen. And apparently before she could get the water he grabs her by the back of the neck forces her to the living room... pulls down her pants and proceeds to rape her from behind. She says she said

What are you doing..

She said, no.

She says she fought him at first

Continued to say no, but said she was scared to fight hard because of the baby...

So he is doing that... from behind... then takes it out and puts it in her mouth... this **** pains me...

So he put it in her mouth... apparently slaps her with it... and then gets her in the missionary like position... at some point he even put his mouth on her parts.... he finishes INSIDE of her... at some point my baby woke up... fell out of bed. And was crying and crying.... She says he left in a hurry or something Im not sure...

 

She says the next thing she did when he left was pick up the baby, calm her down. And then go to the bathroom, vomit and shower... eventually throwing away the clothes... Getting rid of all evidence of the attack...

 

She says she had bruises, she says she took pictures, but deleted them.

 

She didnt call anyone. SHE TOLD NO ONE.

Not a soul. Not until what Im about to explain.

 

She skipped work for a while.

 

Two weeks later is my daughters bday

 

After finding out. I asked her if she still talked to him on snapchat. She said she didnt, and that she deleted the app, but then directly after saying that she said she recieved a message from him telling her he was coming to our daughters birthday. he was still sending her snaps... asking why she isnt talking to him. **** like that. I just felt uncomfortable because she JUST TOLD ME SHE DELETED. she also told me she didnt view any of his messages. Then I keep bugging her and she says she DID open his messages... Everything seems to be back and forth with her answers...

 

At this point... My doubts were getting bigger and bigger.

 

So the guy comes to the birthday party... I had no idea what happened, and my girl says she talked to him alot because she wanted to keep him away from me. I still ended up shaking his hand... giving him food. Talking to him... I mean. I am humiliated. I served the man who raped the love of my life... It makes me sick.

 

Then. I found out recently that after the rape took place. She says he needs to go to her moms from now on to get the pot from now on instead of her. She doesnt warn her mom about him though... So after the birthday, a day or two goes by and he goes to her moms house. Smokes pot with her, and comes on to her. They were basically ALL ALONE. he said I have a big dick and just basically tried to convince her to sleep with him. She didnt, and she told my gf about it.

 

Here are some of the reasons why she didnt tell me...

She says the guy threatened to black mail her. Saying he would tell me they had been having a affair for months.

Fear that I might leave.

Fear of me killing the guy.

Fear of what he might do if he knew I found out.

 

Okay theres the biggest reasons.

 

So after her mom tells my gf he tried to sleep with her, My gf says she lost it. Sending him a message on snapchat(yet again even though intially she told me she deleted this app.) Telling him that I KNEW and that WE would KILL him if he didnt stay away... then she tries to tell her mom about the rape and apparently her mom told her to be quiet. That she couldnt handle hearing about it

 

The problem with that is I DIDNT KNOW... Not until a couple weeks ago. She says she was scared of him. What he might do if he knew I knew, but she does this? My baby was in danger. She still doesnt tell me. Her mom was in danger. Still no warning until AFTER he tries to sleep with her. It doesnt make sense to me.

 

She says she felt safe, because the only other person she told moved in with us a soon after the rape. She and her husband moved in, but the husband didnt know there was a threat. Neither did I. She was still alone with the baby 10 hours a day during the day... so no, I dont believe she felt safe. My baby sure as hell wasnt safe.

 

(The broken rules)

She talked with this person privately on a app we agreed was not okay to use with opposite sex.

She kept associating with him despite my discomfort./despite me asking her dead on if she was cheating on me with him.

She invited him over to pick up the pot at night while I was gone without my knowledge, we agreed to not meet alone with opposite sex without each others knowledge...

 

We had ground rules. A core. It was all broken. She swears it was ppd making her act out of character. She swears she didnt cheat.

 

I believe she was raped, I do. But I dont believe her when she says she is completly innocent, that there wasnt something more. That she didnt step or have intentions of stepping out of our relationship.

 

She treats my doubts as though they were minor. Saying She didnt think I was serious about my doubts at the time.

 

I started writing this a week ago and have new details... this is taking forever for me to write.

 

I am plagued with seeing someone I deemed as a angel... torn apart. She has told me every detail about the rape... every detail EXCEPT how she tried to fight him off... She says its to painful for her to try to describe it... it is so painful for me to know all about what he did, but not know how she resisted... she says she did... but I have no details about her fight. I know that he grabbed her by the back of the neck, pushed her and bent her over my couch, she said "what are you doing?" He says "I know you want it" she says she said "no" he pulls her pants down, and I put it inside of her from behind... then after he put his face in her genitals while she was bent over the couch, she says he was still holding her in place...

Then I guess sits her down and puts his penis to her face... he put it in her mouth. Then lays her on her back puts her legs on his shoulders and does this until he finishes inside of her... I know alot of small details that I do not want to mention. I know everything except how she fought.

She says she tried to get away. We lived in a apartment complex. With neighbors on all four walls. I am just dying. I know her, I know how meek she is when it comes to people. I feel like she doesnt want to tell me how she fought or resisted because there wasnt a fight... I am told about how he has all of her in every way, and that is SO painful, but I dont get told how she fought for her, for us. I told her it will help me cope to know how she resisted considering I have to know everything about all the different nasty things that happened. Ive told her about how much it hurts to know another man came into my home without my knowledge and does this, and Im not told. My kid was at risk. She was at risk.

 

She says she had bruises but wont tell me where I asked if they were on her privates or butt or breast and if thats why she didnt want to say, but she says no. But still wont tell me where...

 

I just feel like she did everything she could to hide this from me. Throwing away all evidence. Not saving any conversations... we even moved out of state. She SAVES ANYTHING SHE DEEMS IMPORTANT. But not a single shred from this trauma... I feel she isnt telling me everything to hide something.

 

When I tell her about how upset I am about how much she did to out doubt in my brain. She tells me that everyone makes mistakes, that shes sorry she isnt perfect. I hate that, because she KNEW I had doubts at the time before the rape. It was clear. But she through all of that out the window. She says that she everyone cant be perfect like me... I dont want perfection dammit. I just want a partner who respects boundaries... thats not much to ask. She has said sorry for the rules that were broken, but follows it up with the statements I said above. I do not trust her, she still doesnt even want to report it, or at least let me expose him anonymously online... No names just a warning to people with a picture of his mugshot and simply saying watch out. She doesnt wanna let me do anything. No closure, she says she is fine with it. She doesnt need closure...

 

When I was raped, and beaten as a kid... I wanted to kill my rapistes. I held that want for years. If it werent for life getting to them first Id still want it. She just let someone walk all over us. Humilate us. With no urge to do anything. It just makes my doubts stronger... Im lost. I still cant describe everything clearly. I am a jumbled mess.

 

I cannot escape seeing it in my head... I can hear it... Its in my dreams, its with me all day. I need closure. I need SOMETHING but she took any closure I could get from this away. Only giving me doubt...

 

How do I believe someone who was so inconsiderate to how I felt. Didnt listen to my cries of her potential infedelity. Didnt consider my warnings. Didnt tell me the tragedy. Let me be a fool. Everyone around me knew... but me. Not even 2 weeks after... she started sexting me (which was wierd because she never does that, at least not after the baby.) She let me go down on her, have sex with her. All within weeks of what happened. She instead of being broken and a mess... only tried to hide this from me...

 

She has completly broken my trust.

I do not know what to do to change that.

Im hopeless because I am in love with someone who can hide a tragedy from me. Take away my role of protecting my family, my child. Let me believe it was me making us fall apart...

 

I just want my life back.

How do I heal without leaving...

I love her so much, but she didnt care about my feelings at all.

[BaileyB]

I will admit, I have not read the entire post.

 

But, I wanted to encourage both you and your wife to seek counselling if you haven't - both individual counselling and marriage counselling. Your relationship won't survive this experience without the assistance of an experienced and skilled counsellor. Best wishes.

[Fever of love]

Both you and your wife are living through a deeply traumatic period, Imlostnow.

 

I read both your own and your wife's previous posts, and you have to see that it's impossible for you to deal with this subjectively, while you are in such emotional turmoil.

 

I strongly concur with BailyB, and the majority of posters in both yours and your wives previous threads, that you need to seek professional help in dealing with this- both individually, and together.

 

I think your situation genuinely requires a trained professional to give you objective support and guidance, because your imagination is working overtime, and your description of events can't help but be subjective. Neither can your wifes. You need an objective professional.

 

I get the impression that you're continually asking your wife for sexual details of what took place- I mean now you're saying he 'slapped her with it' before putting it in her mouth... you're torturing yourself, and you're no doubt torturing your wife too if you're demanding more and more detail. There seems to be something pathological about that.

 

Seek help offline. Everyone on the internet is quickfire with their opinions, and you're in a vulnerable frame of mind where you will take any and all opinions on board, whether that opinion is that your wife was cheating, or that she completely innocent.

 

People online don't know the facts of what happened, and in your particular situation, forceful opinions have the potential to damage things further. I don't like to think of the guys on here telling you 'she was asking for it,' and then you torturing your wife further- just because of what some guys on the internet said. That would not help your situation one bit.

 

Seek professional help offline for yourself. You need to be at peace with your own mind for your marriage to stand a chance. Ensure your wife seeks rape counselling too, and consider marriage guidance for you both.

 

The last I recall, she was going to press charges against him. Did anything go forward with that?

[Imlostnow]

She says she will consider pressing charges, after counseling, but immediatly follows it up with all the reasons as to why she doesnt want to. Stuff like backlash, and possible contact with him.

We have deactivated social medias, have new numbers and are out of state.

I want to do something. Anything for some sense of closure. She doesnt want to allow me to expose him online. I dont want to go online and argue with people, I simply want to put the imformation out there. To warn anyone who will listen. And to make some sort of a sense of justice in my mind...

 

When she told me about the rape she described a few details... and used suggestive language that forced me into a spiral of being forced to see it. I did make it worse, I asked to many questions, but.. she also willingly shared alot of the darkest details.. my past makes me very capable of feeling like I am actually there. My rape I mean. .... but yeah . Again in this case. I am forced to ask questions, this case is swarmed with doubt, and not for no reason. For very BIG reasons. I cannot control my thoughts anymore... I am overcome with how much she disregarded my advice and feelings. How she invited him without my knowledge, and now seeing the consequences for that. Its causing resentment.

 

She is my version of a angel. But now I feel like this may be to much for us to bare, for me to bare. I am torn up with a sense of not mattering. She didnt listen to me before, she didnt tell me after. She had a whole seperate life without me, with things Ill never get to see. I dont want to become toxic. I only ever wanted to love. This has broken me. Making me angry, and spiteful. You guys will never know how much I broke my back for this relationship... I feel spit on. I get I might be completly wrong. Its just how I feel. I feel pathetic. I just wanted someone who loved and respected me the same as I do them. Im just a sad sac now... Im just down man.

[Imlostnow]

I have trust issues deep rooted from my up bringing. I know how much people will lie, and how far someone will guy to not shine the light on a situation entirely. I am so sad and sorry for what happened to her, but if there is more... if there is more that Im not being told, Its my right to know. The problem is that I feel I dont have much value in my home. Everyone who lived around me knew the truth, and didnt let me see it. I am not respected, and its all due to me trying my best to be make everyone happy. I dont want to be a dick, and always wanted to see her smile. I have done so much... but still was lied to.

 

Im just beyond hurt. I cannot help because I cannot help myself.

 

How am I supposed to believe in someone who can keep secrets like this from me.

 

Im heart broken and we are trying counseling but it is so expensive...

 

I feel out of place in my own home.

 

My heart has been ripped out.

[Imlostnow]

Im sad... I know myself all to well.

I am trying to put up walls. Protect myself from possible hurt.

The doubts in my head are making me do this.

I doubt her, and question everything in my head.

Self preservation is making me grow cold.

My love is being drowned with possibility.

The chance that she stepped outside of our relationship backed by all of the things Ive listed that gave me doubt.

 

Im just afraid of her. Her personality. The need for attention, and in my head Im like well what happens if she feels lonely again. Is she gonna disregard us to scratch the itch. Can I trust her to not put us in danger again. If he is as crazy as she says.. , she told me how he wanted to get her to be his wife... , By her not telling me, he couldve attacked me outside of our apartment. I came in at night, she says she was protecting me. Saying he was crazy, and wanted to claim her or whatever. I could have been attacked and or killed.

 

I had no reason to think my family was in danger, because she assured me everything was fine...

 

I get it.. the what ifs are gonna drive me crazy, but the what ifs arent crazy. These things easily couldve been a reality. And I wouldnt of been on guard...

[SammySammy]

If she was raped, I agree with you that her response is ... curious ... to say the least. Questionable. I see why you don’t trust her.

 

However, if she wasn’t raped, then she’s being doubly cruel by putting you through this (knowing you were raped) and falsely accusing someone of rape when it was consensual.

 

I hope she isn’t lying to cover for herself, because to do this to you is cold-hearted and mean. As a man, I know many of us don’t even want to think about what rape must be like. Having it happen as a child must have been horrifying.

 

If she is unwilling to report this (and I think she has reason not to), I hope you can find a way to move forward with your life with minimal damage from this and other things that happened in your life. It might be a good idea to seek counseling to help you deal with things.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she was raped, I agree with you that her response is ... curious ... to say the least. Questionable. I see why you don’t trust her.

 

However, if she wasn’t raped, then she’s being doubly cruel by putting you through this (knowing you were raped) and falsely accusing someone of rape when it was consensual.

 

I hope she isn’t lying to cover for herself, because to do this to you is cold-hearted and mean. As a man, I know many of us don’t even want to think about what rape must be like. Having it happen as a child must have been horrifying.

 

If she is unwilling to report this (and I think she has reason not to), I hope you can find a way to move forward with your life with minimal damage from this and other things that happened in your life. It might be a good idea to seek counseling to help you deal with things.

 

I think the biggest challenge for the OP is the high probability both of these terrible scenarios are true - she was cheating and she was assaulted.

 

Very difficult combination to deal with emotionally and a challenge logistically going forward. And, as has been mentioned, not one I'd consider taking on without in-person support, help and counseling.

 

Imlostnow, hope you find some peace - and stay strong for your child - through this process...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SJS]

I have to agree with those who suggested counseling. There's just too many layers (your past rape, and both of your families sound dysfunctional) to get through this on your own. I'm sure on her part there is some guilt for prior behavior with this guy, she may think she is partially to blame for leading him on especially because you warned her about him.

 

FWIW, I had an experience in my teens...if it had happened to anyone else I'd be the first to say it was rape. To this day, 25 years later, I have "settled" and consider it date rape. I have never told anyone IRL, my husband does not know, and I never went to the police. Shortly after, my whole sexual demeanor changed in that I thought, if this is all that guys want then that's all they'll get (you mentioned how she started sexting a few weeks after). The one time I saw the guy in person I spit on him and told him I hope he rotted in hell (which to me is similar to her saying she would kill him). It really bothers me to read other posters immediately jump to "she cheated" because a rape is SUCH a mind **** to the victim but seems to be really easy for someone on the outside to have an answer for each behavior even when the victim can't explain.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I say lets worry about YOU right now. You have a very disturbed youth. And that trauma was just brought back to you in spades! You need a trauma specialist like yesterday. Did your GF know you were violated as a youth prior to her "incident"?

 

My opinion doesn't really matter much, but yes, the "affair" has been going on for awhile and you guys were checked out with the new baby and stressful life on both of your shoulders.

 

She saw validation in the new "friends" at work and seeked attention and self gratification. Instead of both of you turning inwards as a family. She checked out and I feel you might have gotten close.

 

She probably needs to spend some time at home with her parents and get some IC going. I bet if the counseling is anything worth it's salt, she will cop to infidelity and the rape being used a rugsweep/ blame shift thing in a gross morbid way.

 

I'm so sorry for you, and seriously hope you get trauma therapy for the PTSD. It will be a long road to seriously heal. Do not cover this up and play all is well...It will destroy you, I know from experience.

[BluesPower]

I say lets worry about YOU right now. You have a very disturbed youth. And that trauma was just brought back to you in spades! You need a trauma specialist like yesterday. Did your GF know you were violated as a youth prior to her "incident"?

 

My opinion doesn't really matter much, but yes, the "affair" has been going on for awhile and you guys were checked out with the new baby and stressful life on both of your shoulders.

 

She saw validation in the new "friends" at work and seeked attention and self gratification. Instead of both of you turning inwards as a family. She checked out and I feel you might have gotten close.

 

She probably needs to spend some time at home with her parents and get some IC going. I bet if the counseling is anything worth it's salt, she will cop to infidelity and the rape being used a rugsweep/ blame shift thing in a gross morbid way.

 

I'm so sorry for you, and seriously hope you get trauma therapy for the PTSD. It will be a long road to seriously heal. Do not cover this up and play all is well...It will destroy you, I know from experience.

 

I agree with this... You need to get help for yourself, somehow.

 

But you know she posted her own thread that was a carbon copy of "Most" of what she told you.

 

And I will say what I told you the first time you posted, and what I told her.

 

Sorry man, this is just too weird. I believe that she is lying about it all. Too much just does not add up.

 

For me, and I know that it is hard, I would just leave her. The way that I see it is this: It would be bad enough if she just cheated, which I believe that she was. But to make up all of this rape stuff, put you through what you have been through already, let the guy come to the birthday party. No way, there are just too many red flags.

 

She will not come clean so you could actually deal with it. She has already made up the whole rape story, so no way she can go back on it now.

 

It is just too much. If she had an affair, maybe you could deal with it. Maybe. But adding the rape story just to cover her A**. No way man, that is just too much.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through...

Edited January 18, 2018 by BluesPower

[BarbedFenceRider]

It's a screwed up world indeed. And I do see the pain in the OP and the trail of victims in this mess. Nobody is addressing the elephant in the room and I know the mods do not want a "he said, she said". I apologize for missing the GF's thread. I found it, and it's a mess as well.

 

One thing does stand out is that OP here has a time line for the events while she was living at the apartment and he was working overnights and then up to the bbq... The other brings in family members involvement and weird conversations that seem out of place. Almost as an adjacent to corroborate the event into reality. Then again...It could have ALL taken place, and 2 people that have been thoroughly raped emotionally and physically give their perspectives. Either way...This needs to be aired out, and the correct agencies need to be involved immediately. I would check with the Red Cross and other humanitarian groups about victim services offered. They are almost universally available anywhere. Also, check with churches and other civic groups. They have groups that can do the leg work to get OP and the family into the right track.

 

I can see that this process looks impossible from where OP and his girl live and breathe, but if you look at the 50,000ft. view, this can be accomplished and healing can begin. Properly this time. As for the relationship, maybe wave the white flag on both sides and call a truce. Get to IC and crisis management...Hopefully, both of you can GROW TOGETHER from this experience and find a stronger bond. A security and trust that both parties can believe in.

 

Also, to the GF....DO NOT EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT OR CALL YOURSELF LOW CLASS. That is a state of mind only you yourself can put you in. Even WW have worth in this world. And I can truly say that the peeps here at LS are here to help. Not denigrate with fascinations of economic status. Best of luck. Keep up the thread.

[Maraud3r]

I think the biggest challenge for the OP is the high probability both of these terrible scenarios are true - she was cheating and she was assaulted.

This might actually be the case. She sought out terrible people, befriended them and things went further. A lot of what she said prior and her story prior to the assault would align with this including "if other girls tell you I have an affair, it's not true!".

 

He might've come over, she might've not felt comfortable doing it at home with the baby close by and he might've not cared one lick. This isn't really an "either or" case, both the assault and the affair might've happened.

 

Him having leverage against her, leverage others can back up such as the affair that people apparently knew about might cause her to not want to press charges for the assault.

 

Honestly OP, I think you should get out. Throughout this entire thing she deceived and lied to you, she ignored how you were feeling and your worries. She kept it up even after this has happened and did not care one bit. It's slowly chipping away at you destroying your mental health and happiness. Worse, while your baby is young now the problems between you and it's mother ARE going to affect it as it grows up, this stuff isn't going away. Think about the baby for once, think about yourself too.

 

If you don't want to leave, give her an ultimatum to press charges. Whether she does or not, the truth will come out one way or another when you put on the pressure.

[SammySammy]

If she presses charges now, what are the chances of her proving rape at this point?

 

She’s waited. Destroyed evidence. May have been involved in an consensual affair. Been deceptive.

 

I think a defense attorney would have a field day with this case.

 

So, what would be the point of filing charges now? To make her husband feel better? Would that work? Be good for him?

[Maraud3r]

If she presses charges now, what are the chances of her proving rape at this point?

 

So, what would be the point of filing charges now? To make her husband feel better? Would that work? Be good for him?

To possibly get a person incarcerated who is a violent manipulative rapist, who raped a mother while her baby was sleeping in the next room. Then managed to attend said babies birthday soon after?

 

Let's ignore everything else, that alone would have been worth the effort. The damage is done anyway. She did everything she could to make sure of that and maximize it.

Edited January 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator