Im lost, because of the details around my wifes rape... Im a mess.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, reading your thread I was skeptical of your wife's story. But, I'm on the fence now because something in her post about the rape resonated deeply with me.

 

This may sound trite but I'm not sure it is.

 

I live in a neighborhood where people seeking jobs such as raking leaves, lawn mowing, etc., often come.

 

One day I was outside in my front yard and a man came by with a rake asking if he could rake my leaves (this was normal) but it was spring and there were no leaves to rake (weird) so I, of course, turned him down.

 

He then asked me if I would get him a drink of water (this is what your wife said the guy asked her). So, I went inside to get him a drink of water and locked the front door behind me. When I came back out with the water he was gone. A few weeks later I heard on the news that a guy fitting his description exactly was getting into women's homes and raping them. I believe it was the same guy who asked me for water because he fit the description perfectly down to his attire.

 

If a guy I knew from work came to my house to pick something up and asked me for a glass of water, I'd get it for him and I don't believe I'd close or lock the door behind me as that would look as if I didn't trust him.

 

So, yes, this scenario resonated with me.

 

You guys have got to get into counseling and sort this out. The two of you love each other, both of you say, and you have a child together. Whatever you end up doing, please get with a good counselor. You may have to try one or two before finding one whom you like.

 

Also, I wish there was a way to convey to you my deepest sadness to read of your own rape at the age of five. And now what you're going through with your wife. I'm so so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers.

[4fin]

OP,

My wife was raped 26 years ago New Year's Eve. We started dating 17 years ago and when we got serious she disclosed the fact that she had been raped minus the details once we got serious. The fact that she was raped had no bearing on how I felt about her and even though it happened 9 years prior it was obvious it was disturbing so I didn't ask any questions. Fast forward to 2 Aprils ago I decided since our sex life had slowed down due to kids I wanted to know the details of what happened to her. That was a huge mistake. If you're interested google "just found out the details of my wife's rape" under myptsd.com and you will find a painful story. I'll hit 3 years of therapy in a few months and I've still got a long way to go.

 

A single observation that jumps off the screen based on your and other posters (who I like and respect) is it is no wonder women seldom report rape. When their own spouses doubt them how can a prosecutor even bring a case like your wife's to trial when all that is needed for acquittal is reasonable doubt. If the posters here were a jury this guy walks. You need 12 out of 12 to get a guilty verdict. Some other observations of your wife's rapist convince me he is a cunning predator:

1. He dictates how they communicate so the messages disappear. Makes not only a jury doubt but a husband.

2. He dictates that although her mother has the marijuana he obtains it through your wife which by your description is a state where marijuana is not legal or at a bare minimum not legal to sell out of a home. To charge him with a felony she is likely to have to face one herself.

3. He picks a woman with a young child who's husband is the breadwinner. Smart move if you want to make sure your victim doesn't lose her husband to a jail cell if she tells him if she thinks he'll fly off the handle.

 

Between therapy, anonymous forums and google I've become very knowledgeable on rape statistics and it's sickening. For 1000 rapes the stats are as follows 310 reported, 57 reports lead to arrest, 11cases referred to pros,7 lead to felony conviction and 6 lead to incarcerationecutor

1. 310 reported

2. 57 reports lead to arrest

3. 11 cases referred to prosecution

4. 7 lead to felony conviction

5. 6 lead to incarceration

6. Of those convicted they average serving 5 years (this stat not from RAINN).

All of this is another reason women do not report. As for false rape reports if your wife did make up this rape story she is in the 2-3% of the raped population who made it up. Was she having an affair that led to a rape? I wouldn't even go there.

My advice is do not leave your wife. She had no chance against her rapist based on what I've read. Do not blame your wife. I haven't read her thread but it is apparent to me she already blames her self. I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with an incredible woman that is also my wife and was raped at 13 in much the same premeditated manner your wife was. The odds are 1 in 4-5 women who live in the USA have been victims of rape. Where my wife's rapist decided to put his dick had nothing to do with where she wanted him to keep it. I'd highly recommend forgiving your wife. She needs you. The best thing I've gotten out of therapy was a definition of forgiveness my therapist sent me in the form of an Oprah youtube video. "Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different." What happened to your wife and mine cannot be changed. If you take my advice your biggest problem is going to be how you deal with your wife's rapist. I do not have a problem with my wife but I have a serious problem with her rapist. When it comes to rape there is no justice. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It's been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

 

I have had to change my thinking on so many levels to even consider forgiving her rapist. Forgiveness is such a misnomer. You are not giving anything to your wife or your wife's rapist if you forgive them. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Mine as well as your wife's rapist can burn in hell for all I care but I will not let her rapist occupy space in my mind in the form of the rage that their actions have caused me/you to feel. Once I accepted (gave up hope) that I could change the past I made progress. I've been where you are. My angel is still there and so is yours. Take this how ever you want but this is coming from someone who was almost raped at 14. We have a lot in common and I can tell you you have a long way to go but if you have a great woman do not let what a calculating predator decided to take take the woman you love. I truly wish you the best.

4fin(hooper)

[usa1ah]

I don’t believe your wife is telling you the truth. She knew you didn’t feel comfortable with this guy.

 

I took a statement from a young wife that got caught in the barracks with a guy in her squad. They had been drinking and one thing lead to another. She crying about her husband leaving her when he found out. This was Friday night, by Monday morning she was saying she was raped. I was in the CO’s office being questioned about what was said that night. I know a wife will lie about this first hand to save her marriage.

 

Why tell now, just because you sent a message to another girl and deleted it.

[lucy_in_disguise]

No one except your wife and that guy will ever truly know what happened, but your reasons for not believing her don't really hold up:

 

1. She didn't report him - welcome to reality, most rapes are not reported, for very good reasons. Most victims do not want to deal with the disbelief, harassment, and dragging through the mud for a slim chance at putting their rapists away for a few short years.

 

2. She was friendly with her rapist, before, and to a lesser degree after the assault- again, this is right in line with statistics on rape. Most rapes fall in the "date rape" category, where the victim knows the perpetrator. Just because she wasn't completely transparent about her relationship with his guy doesn't mean she wanted him to assault her.

 

Unfortunately, the type of situation that happened to your wife is so common that many women accept some blame in the situation- "I should t have been wearing that" - as your wife seems to be- and move on by doing our best to avoid a repeat. Not pressing charges or any form of vengeance.

 

Please get some therapy and for the love of god, stop asking her for more details. It is not helping either of you to heal.

[BarbedFenceRider]

I guess yesterday afternoon, I was just trying to put some humanity back into both threads when I posted. Hence the "fence rider"...lol'

 

I still am on the side that the GF has some 'splaining to do. Things just don't jog out that way in real life..IME What also worries me is the run to the "rape" story...It sells out real victims of sexual assault and puts otherwise good men in doubt let alone legal jeopardy.

 

But with mercy and compassion, I do realize that both parties have pain, and alot of destruction around them. Also, with kids involved, it gets even more complicated. Ultimately, they need help and hopefully get it soon. Whether or not their marriage can last it is something else. They do deserve our prayers and kindness.

[4fin]

"why tell now?"

 

There's many reasons. She catches her husband trying to contact another woman and understands he's human. Rape affects different people in different ways. It understandably decreased her desire to have sex and she understood why her husband was considering an affair. Having him know what happened would take a burden off of her and let him know where she was coming from as far as her lack of desire for sex. There are far more questions her rapists should answer than his wife. Since posting I've read his wife's thread. I don't think she's lying. If she is holding something back she thinks he can't handle I wouldn't blame her. I guarantee you her rapist had raped before and will do it again. If his odds of getting caught are 7 out of 1000 I understand completely not reporting. Would you admit to a felony (distribution of a schedule I drug) in hopes that you are one of the .07% of the women out there who see their rapist convicted only to be victimized in court? I wouldn't. She's getting victimized here for Christ sakes. If you want to know how to get away with a rape listen to how calculating what her rapist did truly was. The fact that she was not bruised means nothing. Just like my wife she froze. It is a very common response. I personally think some people should not be walking among us. Not taking action is very difficult. My wife was terrified I would do something impulsive and end up in jail. When you know what happened and who did it it is very hard to know there is not a chance in hell at justice through the legal system. I think she was right not to tell and if anything should be questioned it's going into too much detail but I wouldn't blame her for it. Help this woman you love out. Once this guy picked her it was game over. She went against her husbands wishes on snapchat and the people she befriended. She has paid dearly for it. Give her love and peace.

[BluesPower]

"why tell now?"

 

There's many reasons. She catches her husband trying to contact another woman and understands he's human. Rape affects different people in different ways. It understandably decreased her desire to have sex and she understood why her husband was considering an affair. Having him know what happened would take a burden off of her and let him know where she was coming from as far as her lack of desire for sex. There are far more questions her rapists should answer than his wife. Since posting I've read his wife's thread. I don't think she's lying. If she is holding something back she thinks he can't handle I wouldn't blame her. I guarantee you her rapist had raped before and will do it again. If his odds of getting caught are 7 out of 1000 I understand completely not reporting. Would you admit to a felony (distribution of a schedule I drug) in hopes that you are one of the .07% of the women out there who see their rapist convicted only to be victimized in court? I wouldn't. She's getting victimized here for Christ sakes. If you want to know how to get away with a rape listen to how calculating what her rapist did truly was. The fact that she was not bruised means nothing. Just like my wife she froze. It is a very common response. I personally think some people should not be walking among us. Not taking action is very difficult. My wife was terrified I would do something impulsive and end up in jail. When you know what happened and who did it it is very hard to know there is not a chance in hell at justice through the legal system. I think she was right not to tell and if anything should be questioned it's going into too much detail but I wouldn't blame her for it. Help this woman you love out. Once this guy picked her it was game over. She went against her husbands wishes on snapchat and the people she befriended. She has paid dearly for it. Give her love and peace.

 

Last one on this...For me anyhow.

 

I don't want anyone to think that anyone is insensitive to the situation of rape, date rape, or any of the variants.

 

I am not and no one should be.

 

In this case, is it possible that she may have been raped, or date raped? Yes it is possible.

 

But lets be clear, if she was date raped, the she was having an affair in the first place.

 

It is possible that there are the "standard" reasons that she did not report the rape and "deleted" the evidence? Sure there are.

 

But honestly, if you read through this, with all the warning that he gave his wife about these people that she was hanging out with, the comments made... it is just really hard to believe that this is anything else but a wife, in an affair trying to cover her A$$.

 

And, is anyone going to make the case that a women, that took pictures of the bruises that her husband caused the one time he ever grabbed her, this same woman would not report a straight up rape, and destroy the evidence to boot.

 

Folks, I just really find all of that hard to believe...

[Cullenbohannon]

Let's be honest here. In this age when you put a white woman charging a black man with rape, corroborated by the mother, he goes to prison. And if you still have that phone, the pictures are still there.

 

What doesn't add up is the confession of rape versus a affair. Given the circumstances leading to the confession, (The Facebook flirt) a affair would have done just as much damage. Why add in a rape?

 

Because it probaly happened. As did some type of affair. It probaly did not go physical as many women feed off the validation. When you look at the OP post, his anger is directed at her putting herself in this position. Ironically, that is the same reason why she may not have conffessed earlier. Guilt. Her husband warned her and warned her. She ignored him and here they are. Easy to see the doubt.

 

With that being said, it is crazy to think this shouldnt be reported. She has a corroborating witness. Forensics may be able to get the pictures. And sorry to say race will be a factor.

 

To the wife. You have to pay the price for your part in this. If you get dragged in the mud, so be it. He must pay the price for his crime. YOU know the truth. False allegations against black men are not uncommon. Even if it is false, you can probaly put him away for a long time, but you will have sacrificed a mans life for your marriage. Don't do this.

 

If it was rape, then stand your ground. To the husband, give her the benefit of the doubt and stand with her. The counselor excuse looks like stalling. File charges right away.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[aliveagain]

If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.

[BarbedFenceRider]

OP is a rape victim from childhood as well... Either way, I would like to get an update from OP on the status of finding help in his area. Or if he would like to provide a city or town they reside in, folks from LS can research and find outlets for him to contact on his own.

 

I still think a white flag needs to be waved and together, proceed to get intensive victim support. PTSD therapy, and counselling to process emotions and build healthy relationships while recognizing safe spaces.

I also think, that by going through this together, this couple can mend the fences and safeguard their marritable home. My wishes anyways....

[William]

Due to a few reports I'll remind everyone that this is one situation unique to the Op and the purpose of this thread is to focus on that one unique situation.

 

Those wishing to discuss rape in general, the definition of rape vs date rape vs false allegations can do so elsewhere, there are plenty of other threads on those topics. ~T

Edited January 20, 2018 by William

[jay1983]

If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.

 

I have a feeling she won't agree to that.

[todreaminblue]

If she won't report the rape ask her to pass a polygraph. You both need counselling to help you deal with this. You also need the truth so you can make the best decision regarding your future together. Most men will believe their wives when they make such a serious accusation about any man. Most wives don't destroy the evidence and withhold the information from their husbands for a year and a half. I would ask her to take a polygraph, get the truth.

 

i don't agree with treating a rape survivor like the criminal.....make the freaking rapist take a polygraph...he should want to prove his innocence...rape survivors dotn want to have to prove innocence ...they want to be supported and believed.........

 

..telling a rape survivor to take a polygraph makes me feel like i want to beat my head against a wall...........as a rape survivor i would do it under protest and heavy hearted..BECAUSE...it would forever change how i trusted the guy who made me take it ..i would see him as never having my back when i truly needed him too be strong in me and with me ..when i needed support the most he failed monumentally and treated me with distrust and disbelief....and with the rape about whether to be with me or not,..........couldnt be with a guy like this... like the op ....i would dump him.....eh woudl be a cause of my eternal unhappiness..........i would end the relationship after passing that polygraph..after having to prove my innocence......

 

 

these guys need real professional help....its not only them that neede help..... they have a family, a child.......they dont need advice like get a polygraph...even me as a survivor who has also been disbelieved many times isolated and ridiculed called an attention seeker or specifically on here a troll.........i am bias.... and this thread is actually making me feel like finding something made of cement to smash my head into...its making me anxious upset and really quite angry...you dont treat survivors like perpetrators or liars...theres no trust from op to his wife or gf....its sad....beyond sad...

 

they need a mega load of professional compassionate and supportive help...rapist needs a polygraph and chemical castration....deb.....

Edited January 20, 2018 by todreaminblue

[SammySammy]

I don’t think polygraphs are admissible in most jurisdictions in the US.

 

It’s very difficult to prove rape here and almost impossible when you destroy evidence. The case would be her word against his and I think proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt would be a tough hill to climb.

[todreaminblue]

I don’t think polygraphs are admissible in most jurisdictions in the US.

 

It’s very difficult to prove rape here and almost impossible when you destroy evidence. The case would be her word against his and I think proving guilt beyond a reasonable doubt would be a tough hill to climb.

 

 

exactly why men or women dont press charges or are hesitant to......

i have never read or heard before though a suggestion a rape survivor get a polygraph ...so theres a first....deb.

[Cullenbohannon]

Elimination of the rape culture needs to be done. Elimination of reasons why you don't press charges, needs to go also.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[usa1ah]

Imlostnow, you have to figure out if you trust your wife.

 

If you do, then help her heal from this.

 

If you don’t, can you rebuild the relationship with her?

 

We don’t know your wife. We don’t interact day to day with her. You have to decide if you can go forward in your relationship with her.

 

What she did by having a relationship as a friend or more with the OM is on her. You voiced your feelings and thoughts on it and it was her choice to ignore you. She put herself in the situation she was in. She allowed the OM to come your home to pick up drugs while you weren’t there. She let him into your home. What happened after was an assault on her or a ONS. I don’t see a rape victim having her rapist at her child’s bday party a week later.

 

Could she have regretted her actions afterwards and thrown up and taken a shower afterwards, by all means she could have.

 

Up to you, make the best decision for you and your kids.

[wmacbride]

I can't say whether or not your wife was raped, as I wasn't there.

 

Something that does trouble me is that , from the story related, she says this happened when your young child was in the house. If she was attacked, this makes it really important ( not that any woman or man who is sexually assaulted shouldn't report it, if they can) that she go to the police. After all, if he did it to her with her baby in the house, what else will be be willing to do?

 

Also, if she was attacked, reporting it can help her to gain back some of her sense of power over herself ad her own body. If he did this to her, he may have done it to other women too. Knowing she did what she can to hep can make her feel like less of a victim and more empowered.

 

If she is lying, well, that's just about as low as you can get. That's why I hope she's being honest.

[LivingWaterPlease]

OP, my heart really goes out to you.

 

I had written a long post to you, then got a phone call so was away from my post for awhile and when I came back to it decided not to hit the submit button.

 

The point of telling you this is because, as delicate as this situation is, I didn't post because I didn't want to sway you even a tiny bit in a way that could cause you even a smidgeon of misdirection.

 

Of the many threads on LS, this one has touched my heart as much as any because of your youth, your background of depression and last but most touching to me, your sincere efforts and desire to protect your family. I admire that so much in a man. From what I have read of your posts, you are truly a man among men, and you should be proud of not only your desire to protect your family but your tenacity in seeking a solution that would be most healthy for yourself, your wife and your little girl.

 

I encourage you to do whatever it takes to find someone, a counselor or a qualified, trained pastor even, to help you and your family through this. There are many large churches who have counselors on staff who will counsel anyone, even those who don't belong to the church, without charge or possibly for a nominal fee.

 

I don't mean to sound as if I'm signing off on supporting you because I'm not, and may continue to post to encourage you. It's just that at this point I find I have developed some strong opinions that seem en pointe to me but if they are off, I would hate to share them and influence you wrongly, even though it may be only slightly.

 

All of that said, my heart also goes out to your wife. I believe that whatever happened has certainly ended up causing her grief, too. It is my hope that the two of you can work together to heal and grow from this as individuals and as a couple, to come out of it stronger than you have ever been and to prosper.

 

You are in my prayers.

[aliveagain]

Hi Loveshack community,

Im new here, and I hope Im doing this right.

 

My story is one of distrust. Me and her are both 21.

 

I didnt know she was violated until a few days before christmas. Im lost, and I want to believe her but I have my doubts about the whole truth to the situation... it breaks my heart to have these doubts but I do.

<snip>

She became friends with two couples. One couple met AT work. The female in this new couple was currently married, and the dude knew this, and my gf knew it too. I told her that made me feel uncomfortable. Knowing that she hung out with cheaters made me feel wierd and eventually that new couples relationship BLEW TO PIECES, and that dude came over crying and seeking pity from my gf. I told her I didnt like that at all either, but it is what it is and after that moment she stopped talking with those two. (A massive blow up at work got the dude fired, and the girl quit)

 

<snip>She comes home and tells me how that if I got messages from random girls saying she had slept with him in the parking lot at work that they were lying. They were just jealous or upset that he was her friend and not theres. Then, I find out that they were using snapchat together. She swears that it was innocent. That he used that app because his phone was off and it was free to use. I told her to please stop that. To please consider how this whole situation is making me feel. She bought them baby formula. She helped him out with baby clothes ( the fact that they had a baby is why she says she was friends with them in the first place) she continued to talk to him on snapchat even after knowing my discomfort. This guy even brought up how his gf found another girl on craigslist, and how hes cool with it. Implying that theyre down for threesomes. I told her I didnt like this either... I didnt like any of this I made it very clear. This guy smokes weed( my gf doesnt, but her mom got some for the guy and my gf without my knowledge told him he could come pick it up after his work shift.) When I was away at work. I had no idea he was coming over. It was 10 at night. She says she had no intention of letting him in the house. He shows up, knocks, she opens the door, gives him the pot, and then he asks to come inside for a drink... this is where the rape begins... beware... my heart is broken...

 

He comes into my house, theyre alone. My baby is asleep in our bedroom. They go to the kitchen. He gets a drink, and I guess my gf turned her back to him, because he proceeds to grab her by the back of the neck. Take her to the living room. (I dont know what happened in exactly what order, but I know entirely to much for my heart to handle. )bends her over rapes her from behind... on our couch. He got her in a position close to missionary... he put his mouth on her privates. He had her basically entirely naked. He put his penis in her mouth. He came inside of her... Im trying not to go into detail, but you get it. He did everything to her he could basically.... during this my baby apparently woke up and fell out of bed screaming her heart out... she didnt see anything but... man...

 

She says she said no, she says she fought, she didnt have any bruises that I could visably see. She says she got rid of the clothes. She didnt call anyone, not the cops, not me. No family. No friends. She says she waited a week to get checked on. But she says after he left she just vomited showered and went to bed. I came home during my lunch. She gets up tells me she was feeling sick and that she was gonna go lie down.

 

She says he threatened to black mail her, saying they were having a affair for months if she said anything. So she was scared to tell me. So she didnt tell me and then these things happen.

 

So after the rape, he shows up at my daughters birthday (she says she invited him before the rape and was to afraid to tell him not to come.) He eats food I cooked, he talks to us, he shook my hand, he looked me in my eyes, and she allowed him to humilate me basically. I had no idea what had happened and I was just a fool.

He shows up at her moms house to buy more weed, and he tries to sleep with her. Telling her "he has a big dick" and offering to give it to her. They didnt sleep together, but my gf mom told her about it, and THEN she decides to try to tell her mom. Her mom apparently told her to stop talking about it because she couldnt handle it. After she finds out about what he said to her mom. She sends him a message on snap chat I will never get to see. Basically saying we would kill him, and to stay the **** away.

 

For someone so afraid of this man, she threatens him, and STILL doesnt tell me. My kid our kid was in danger and she still didnt tell me. Her mom was in danger, and she didnt tell. I was humilated by having him at our daughters birthday and she didnt tell.

 

She didnt tell me a thing for about a year and six months. She didnt collect any evidence, no pictures of bruises or any messages.

<snip>

 

 

She met him without my knowledge.

She talked to him behind my back.

She knew my discomfort with him.

I warned her... we had a mutual respect fr each others rules and she broke them therefore breaking her respect for me.

 

I feel so much distrust for her now. She was capable of keeping this from me for SO LONG. If she can hide this she can hide anything. She met him without my knowledge and this happens...

 

I have been there for her sense finding this out, but my doubts are eating at me. I know she will never own up to something if she indeed did cheat. I feel like she is just hiding truth to make me not leave.

 

How do I get past this? How do I trust again? Should I trust again?

 

She swears she was just trying to be nice... she swears she had no temptation. She swears there was no cheating.

 

Why meet him without my knowledge. Why was he there AS SOON AS I LEFT FOR WORK BASICALLY...

<snip>

Just fyi. I was raped as a kid. Violently at 5 yrs old. Bruised and broken...

I need to know what others think... I need to hear someone elses take. Please help, and please dont be to hurtful... Im broken already...

 

My sister was raped, 4 of my female friends were raped, I went to court with them to give them support because they were afraid, I understand. I know how each of them reacted, they did not react the way your wife did. All I am saying is you are there for her support, why won't she take this POS off the streets? I can only go by the behaviors of the women I know and I am not saying your wife is lying. All I know is if someone is trying to get you to believe them they will do whatever it takes to convince you including pressing charges against the man that raped her. She warned you about gossip that was being circulated at her work regarding her having sex with him in the parking lot but then behind your back invites him to your house at 10:00 pm at night when your at work. She then destroys all the evidence and keeps it a secret from you for 1 1/2 years. Why would the POS show up at your child's birthday party right after raping your wife?

 

I am not saying there's a normal way to rape someone but everyone I know that went through the experience were not forced into being naked, only the cloths required to achieve their goal were pulled down. I respect women and I would without hesitation step in to defend them friend or stranger. If someone doubted me about something this serious I would go out of my way to remove any doubt from their mind. I have made a comment on your partners post before I responded on yours just so you know.

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote to highlighted passages

[S2B]

I'd suggest counseling and a polygraph. You need her truth.

 

It's odd:

 

That she invited him over after offering to get him weed

Didn't tell you what he did

Disposed of her clothes

Invited him to a party after the incident/violation

Didn't throw him out of the party

 

It doesn't add up.

Edited January 21, 2018 by S2B

[anika99]

OP I read your wife's thread and I believe she was raped. It's also possible that she had engaged in some inappropriate flirtation with the guy before hand but that doesn't mean she wasn't raped. If she had flirted or enjoyed some attention from this guy then that would possibly explain why she hid the attack. It's quite common for a rape victim to feel shame and responsibility when they are raped by someone they know. It's not the same as being grabbed off the street and raped by a complete stranger.

 

Before you go demanding a polygraph I would recommend a therapist to help the two of you start to untangle this mess.

[BaileyB]

OP I read your wife's thread and I believe she was raped. It's also possible that she had engaged in some inappropriate flirtation with the guy before hand but that doesn't mean she wasn't raped. If she had flirted or enjoyed some attention from this guy then that would possibly explain why she hid the attack. It's quite common for a rape victim to feel shame and responsibility when they are raped by someone they know. It's not the same as being grabbed off the street and raped by a complete stranger.

 

Before you go demanding a polygraph I would recommend a therapist to help the two of you start to untangle this mess.

 

I totally agree. It has also clearly triggered some significnt trauma for you, making it difficult for you to see the situation objectively and respond accordingly. Continue with counselling...

[todreaminblue]

My sister was raped, 4 of my female friends were raped, I went to court with them to give them support because they were afraid, I understand. I know how each of them reacted, they did not react the way your wife did. All I am saying is you are there for her support, why won't she take this POS off the streets? I can only go by the behaviors of the women I know and I am not saying your wife is lying. All I know is if someone is trying to get you to believe them they will do whatever it takes to convince you including pressing charges against the man that raped her. She warned you about gossip that was being circulated at her work regarding her having sex with him in the parking lot but then behind your back invites him to your house at 10:00 pm at night when your at work. She then destroys all the evidence and keeps it a secret from you for 1 1/2 years. Why would the POS show up at your child's birthday party right after raping your wife?

I am not saying there's a normal way to rape someone but everyone I know that went through the experience were not forced into being naked, only the cloths required to achieve their goal were pulled down.

I respect women and I would without hesitation step in to defend them friend or stranger. If someone doubted me about something this serious I would go out of my way to remove any doubt from their mind. I have made a comment on your partners post before I responded on yours just so you know.

 

unless you have been raped you dont know how you yourself would react let alone a complete stranger ...lots and lots i don't know how many times this has been written RAPE SURVIVORS ....DONT PURSUE CHARGES....and dont tell anyone they were raped.....

 

 

 

I am not saying there's a normal way to rape someone but everyone I know that went through the experience were not forced into being naked, only the cloths required to achieve their goal were pulled down.

 

this is just so ridiculous i had to point it out.....you know five,maybe ten women on a bad day who have been raped......out of hundreds of thousands........ safe to say you really know nothing..if you are talking about rape survivors who were pulled off the street maybe then they wouldnt be forced to remove all their clothes even then you know rape is about domination and control right....taking off clothes making the woman do it ...is

a control by humiliation thing....she is a participant in that humiliation.............she knew the guy it was done in her own home...see the difference she wasnt taken from the street.....and done over in a back alley....

 

im out of this thread......too upsetting......deb

[aliveagain]

Friend, this is your life and regardless of what people write here, the decision as to how you proceed is yours to make. I am no expert and am only voicing my opinion. This is about you and your situation and nothing else. The third line in your first post is what I have been trying to help you with. This post is not about my integrity but about your feeling of being in a relationship full of deception. You need to decide what it is you need to stay in this relationship, you are the one feeling deceived and only you can decide what it is you need to feel safe.

 

There is only one person putting you in this situation and the onus is on her to do what ever she thinks is necessary to get your trust back if she wants to stay in the relationship with you. Counselling is a good place to start, setting up boundaries and respecting them would be my next recommendation. You need to tell her what you need so she can decide if she is willing to do the work.