Really dislike OLD

[clist8511]

After reading your thread, I am quite positive that OLD is not your problem. Definitely not. I think you need to do a soul search and ask yourself why you would stay with someone who breaks up with you every week. We all have things to work through.

 

That being said, if online dating doesn't work for you, don't use it. We are all different and something that will work for you won't necessarily work for someone else and vice versa. Like the saying goes - "another man's meat is another man's poison".

 

I've already 'soul searched' and been to counselling/psychotherapy etc.

 

It seems it doesn't work for a lot of people; there are psychological studies that back that up, and that one relationship you are referring to was the only time I've ever done that, and my first experience with emotional/psychological abuse.

 

I had never experienced domestic abuse and wasn't equipped to resist the games and mental torture that it came with; it's easy to suggest that it was easy to just walk away - it isn't. I am quite positive I would have walked away if I had known how to. That doesn't mean I am in some way defunct or broken. Anyone can be subject to domestic abuse. People stay in DA relationships for decades.

 

I think trauma bonding played a big part in that; however this thread isn't about that and I don't really wish to talk about it.

Edited January 19, 2018 by clist8511

[LoverOfDance]

I think that one of online dating's biggest problems is that you experience more rejections than usual due to the fact that you have way more encounters on there than you would in real life. You HAVE to have a thick skin to do online dating.

 

A lot of the other problems with online dating are really not ONLINE dating problems but rather they are DATING problems. For example, the last guy who asked me out in real life, I met him at a dance class. He was extremely nervous when he asked for my number, seemed to really like me, wrote me poems, e.t.c. After about two weeks of talking, he asked me out on a date. On the day of the date, I never heard from. He ghosted. Ghosting happens in real life too! You just experience it more online because you have more encounters on there.

 

The people you see on dating sites for years have probably had relationships from those dating sites. When those relationships end, they go back to searching. This is the case in real life as well. Relationships end ALL the time and when those relationships end, many of us eventually go back to searching for Mr/Ms Right. Many of us search for YEARS before we find the right person. The difference is that in real life, you can't really see people searching for "the one" as they keep these things private. Things online are just more public.

 

I think you shouldn't judge people online. You have used online dating yourself. Does that mean you're unstable or defective? There are many others just like you doing the same damn thing and trying all they can to find the right person. Online dating has introduced a few more issues to dating but most of the issues we experience online are NOT new. They are only multiplied because you're meeting and talking to more people than usual.

 

Like I said, if you feel it doesn't work for you then get off of it and try whatever you believe will work.

Edited January 19, 2018 by LoverOfDance

[Maggie4]

I am heading out into the real world. To increase the amount of things I do, socially. Start going to MeetUps, and places I would expect to bump into people with similar interests. Start more conversations. This is to make more friends primarily, though

 

It is consistent work and takes more of your time but it's worth it. After you meet someone (friend), you still have to plan things to do together, call them up, throw a party and invite them, help people move, pet sit, drive people to airport, etc. but it goes both ways, you also get a good support network.

 

Thing with OLD is that it is too easy (initially). You just click on a computer, then like mail order, you get instant girl/boy online. You didn't work for it, you didn't risk chatting up a stranger, you didn't even leave your house. So after you set up the OLD dates, that's where the work begins. You never get something for nothing.

[grays]

OLD is a chore, it's a game, it's tiring and mundane.

 

I had profiles on a couple of dating sites for about three years and dated like crazy. I had the time of my life and I never felt any of this negative stuff. I think maybe I am particularly suited to it.

 

I saw each date (and I would guess I met well over a hundred men, and one woman, lol) as an adventure that could really go anywhere -- just a fun couple of hours, a ONS, a new friend, a crazy story, various sorts of actual relationships. And any of those outcomes was fine with me. I think if I'd been looking for someone to marry and not just going with the flow, it might have been a lot more frustrating.

 

Also, I think I'm more interested in and open to all kinds of people than a lot of people are. I have very little judgyness in me. And I do love it that you can meet people online that you'd never run into in real life.

 

And I have a feeling that my picker is a little better than most and way better than OP's. I never had any really bad dates and probably only 3 or so that I felt had no positives. I did have a couple that were people I could never seriously have seen a second time. But I think I just about always found some value in meeting and hanging out for a bit.

 

My big take away was several long term friends with benefits who I think the world of. Theyre each probably 95% of what I want in a partner, but each missing some crucial something that makes the idea of long term monogamy unworkable. But I am so happy to know them, so as far as I'm concerned OLD has been a win.

[clist8511]

Can we keep the discussion to OLD, and not whether someone's 'picker' is better than mine? My relationship history is much more than a few lines on a thread.

 

Yes, I have dated some awful people - yes, I stayed with a an abusive partner for longer than I 'should have'.

 

Please stop commenting on my personal life.

 

This thread isn't about me - there are several psychological studies outlining why OLD doesn't work.

 

The fact is that a fraction of society use it, it isn't widely used. It's a niche form of dating.

[clist8511]

Exactly. I just created a post about this myself and was shot down by someone claiming it was another mindless rant. Well, If there are so many complaints, and yes, I realize these threads are full of them (and no wonder)... maybe people should start coming to the realization that OLD actually doesn't work for many reasons.

 

I don't understand why people are in such hot defense of it. Talk to anyone in real life whose tried it and they'll all say OLD sucks. NOT "I lived happily ever after."

 

This says it all. I'm glad I'm not alone in my opinion.

[Chilli]

Are there stats saying that not many use it ?

Shyt l thought everyone used it or apps or some some form of online/

l thought it was the way people meet these days but from what you said not that many do use it.

[clist8511]

In fact, if my picker is broken...

 

The one person I dated who I met at work, IRL and not OL - we dated for a few months, and only split because I had a bereavement and became ill. Even after the split, she took me in to her house and cared for me while I recovered. She is now my best friend, and I've known her for 11 years.

 

She's the only person I've met and dated offline, and we have never had a single argument.

 

 

There are predatory people online who attach themselves to certain types of personalities.

[Zippy2000]

Can we keep the discussion to OLD, and not whether someone's 'picker' is better than mine? My relationship history is much more than a few lines on a thread.

 

Yes, I have dated some awful people - yes, I stayed with a an abusive partner for longer than I 'should have'.

 

Please stop commenting on my personal life.

 

This thread isn't about me - there are several psychological studies outlining why OLD doesn't work.

 

The fact is that a fraction of society use it, it isn't widely used. It's a niche form of dating.

 

Any ideas where the psychological studies can be found. I agree about this thread being about OLD. Its fascinating how people meet and how some people just go from date after date.

 

I work in a large open plan office and there is a good looking woman I know. I see her on a dating website and she is always online on it.,

 

Now a good looking person would be snapped up right? NO! Shes been online for the last 3 years and it seems she is one of these serial daters. Some of the good looking people must have too much choice.

 

Its just like going to a fancy restaurant with a huge menu to choose from but with a smaller menu its easy to decide.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Zippy2000

[nospam99]

Okay. I'll be a lone voice crying 'no' in a crowd of 'yes'.

 

But, parameters: I'm 63 going on 64. Legally single (again) for less than a year. On OLD for a little over 3 months. I've 'met' five women (dated two, messaged a couple of dozen, ignored messages from a different couple of dozen) who were superficially nice BUT, so far, no long-term relationship. This is in stark contrast to meetup.com where, in five years, none of the women who I've been at events with showed the slightest interest. I have no friends with the kind of social contacts to 'set me up', refuse the risks of office romances, and hate the bar scene.

 

The great upside I see to OLD is that I start out being 'told' (liars and other fakes excepted) that the women are there wanting to meet men. Short of speed-dating, which only runs nearby for people my age about twice a year, there is nowhere else I get this advantage. So, given the relative short length of my experience and the other considerations I outlined, I really LIKE OLD. Clearly YMMV

[SevenCity]

I had profiles on a couple of dating sites for about three years and dated like crazy. I had the time of my life and I never felt any of this negative stuff. I think maybe I am particularly suited to it.

 

I saw each date (and I would guess I met well over a hundred men, and one woman, lol) as an adventure that could really go anywhere -- just a fun couple of hours, a ONS, a new friend, a crazy story, various sorts of actual relationships. And any of those outcomes was fine with me. I think if I'd been looking for someone to marry and not just going with the flow, it might have been a lot more frustrating.

 

Also, I think I'm more interested in and open to all kinds of people than a lot of people are. I have very little judgyness in me. And I do love it that you can meet people online that you'd never run into in real life.

 

And I have a feeling that my picker is a little better than most and way better than OP's. I never had any really bad dates and probably only 3 or so that I felt had no positives. I did have a couple that were people I could never seriously have seen a second time. But I think I just about always found some value in meeting and hanging out for a bit.

 

My big take away was several long term friends with benefits who I think the world of. Theyre each probably 95% of what I want in a partner, but each missing some crucial something that makes the idea of long term monogamy unworkable. But I am so happy to know them, so as far as I'm concerned OLD has been a win.

 

Grays,

 

Your experience isn’t because you have some elevated sense of people, it is because you are a WOMAN.

 

Very few guys can claim they went on hundreds of dates (even fewer could afford it). I recall one female poster hear saying she went on 250 dates before she found her BF.

 

You, and dare I say every woman, has no concept of what it is to be a guy on OLD. None. If the OP had an opportunity to meet that many women, I’m sure he would have a different perspective.

 

I put one of my pics on PhotoFeeer (that isn’t that good as I don’t photograph well) and received an 82% attractiveness rating. I’m 6’ tall, in shape, make well over $100k a year, own my own home, all my teeth and hair, and have a good sense of humor and a friendly personality. With that, I get MAYBE a 2% return on OLD. So that means for every 100 messages/swipes I’ll get about 2 dates out of it.

 

I don’t think I’m some prize (though I think I’m a catch:) ) but I know I’m in a better position than a lot of guys my age.

 

Just this week I had about 10 women match me on bumble, none of which messaged and they expired (women only have 24 hrs to send a message or the match disappears). I had two others I did speak with, one the date went no where, the other disappeared after enthusiastically agreeing to a date this weekend.

 

I IMPLORE you or any other woman to make a profile with the pic of an average guy and see how many women will message you back. Then post your results here. It quickly becomes frustrating when you are ignored or flaked on again and again.

 

Just like I can’t understand how a woman feels about female only issues, respectfully, you have no idea what it is to be a man on OLD.

 

You’ll note, most of the good OLD experiences on this thread and in general are by women.

[Cookiesandough]

Sure, maybe the average guy doesn't get a ton of bites and yea it's a frustrating process a lot of the time, but it's frustrating for women as well for different reasons. It's trying to find the right needle in the haystack, but nowhere else is a bigger haystack with more needles. No where else is there a greater concentration of people you know are single, no one else is there more of a variety of people from walks of life you normally wouldn't encounter, nowhere else is it as low effort to 'approach' and that is why people usually return after venturing into the wilds of RL. I think unless you have 0 bites whatsoever, it's at least good to keep it as a supplement just in case and go on and message some interesting people when you have some free time.

 

 

It absolutely does attract a lot of unstables etc, but you have to dig through all that to find the normal or at least your brand of crazy.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[grays]

SevenCity, I totally get all that. I almost always have a conversation with my OLD dates where I tell them all/most their ****ty experiences with OLD is because they're men. I know that as a woman I have it made with OLD.

 

As for having some elevated sense of people, I was a little worried when I wrote that that it would come off as full of myself but it's true. There are lots of things in life that I suck at, but I am truly more friendly, open, and accepting than most people AND I am more open about what kind of relationships I'm willing to have. I believe those are the two things that make my OLD experiences better than I see a lot of women talk about here. There are a lot of women who are only looking for a committed exclusive relationship. I'd be super frustrated if that was me. I found zero of those online. I am in a committed exclusive relationship now, but I met him IRL.

[WorldInMyEyes]

I suppose you have to define your success criteria before making a statement that it sucks.

 

It appears to be a good venue to get sex,and meet people you normally would never meet IRL, but thus far that’s it. I too agree that it is riddled with women who are:

- broke

- emotionally unstable

- hung up on an ex

- entitled

- attention seeking (with no intention of ever meeting)

- flakes

 

Perhaps the same can be said about guys on it but I don’t have any first hand experience.

 

Having done it for about a year and a half I can say nothing substantial has resulted.

 

I came to a realization that, although there may be a few rare gems who would make good LTR material, the woman for which I am looking probably doesn’t use OLD. Even if she did I am competing with literally hundreds of guys for attention.

 

Unfortunately my real life consists of working and commuting in a predominantly male dominated field so there are rarely women I see that I would want to ask out.

Dude you should go out clubbing. Strobe lights, loud dance music, and all the girls are better looking than they otherwise would be because you're drunk. It's an awesome way to meet women.

[SevenCity]

Sure, maybe the average guy doesn't get a ton of bites and yea it's a frustrating process a lot of the time, but it's frustrating for women as well for different reasons. It's trying to find the right needle in the haystack, but nowhere else is a bigger haystack with more needles. No where else is there a greater concentration of people you know are single, no one else is there more of a variety of people from walks of life you normally wouldn't encounter, nowhere else is it as low effort to 'approach' and that is why people usually return after venturing into the wilds of RL. I think unless you have 0 bites whatsoever, it's at least good to keep it as a supplement just in case and go on and message some interesting people when you have some free time.

 

 

It absolutely does attract a lot of unstables etc, but you have to dig through all that to find the normal or at least your brand of crazy.

 

Cookies,

 

Your argument is akin to a job seeker having 100 job offers and not sure which one is best, as opposed to one who has sent out 100 resumes and only got two responses. Of those two he didn't get the first job and the second one never called him back after promising to bring him in for an interview.

 

Are both problematic? Sure.

 

But let me ask you, honestly, which problem would you rather have?

[grays]

Dude you should go out clubbing. Strobe lights, loud dance music, and all the girls are better looking than they otherwise would be because you're drunk. It's an awesome way to meet women.

 

Seems like a good way to meet a ONS. It's one of the few venues that makes it impossible to have a conversation or to be able to get any sense of thevother persons intellectual or emotional state.

[SevenCity]

SevenCity, I totally get all that. I almost always have a conversation with my OLD dates where I tell them all/most their ****ty experiences with OLD is because they're men. I know that as a woman I have it made with OLD.

 

As for having some elevated sense of people, I was a little worried when I wrote that that it would come off as full of myself but it's true. There are lots of things in life that I suck at, but I am truly more friendly, open, and accepting than most people AND I am more open about what kind of relationships I'm willing to have. I believe those are the two things that make my OLD experiences better than I see a lot of women talk about here. There are a lot of women who are only looking for a committed exclusive relationship. I'd be super frustrated if that was me. I found zero of those online. I am in a committed exclusive relationship now, but I met him IRL.

 

I still don't feel you could ever understand. I'm a white guy and prefer to date Asian women. Some have told me they were victims of prejudice.

 

Can I be sympathetic? Of course. Can I be empathetic? I can't (though I did lose a job due to not being "diverse" enough. The exact line from the new female group lead was "There are too many middle age white males with MBAs in the group. We aren't diverse enough. I can't fire them all, right?")

 

I can't empathize with a black dude who has security guys eying him at the store just because he is black. I can't empathise with an American born Chinese guy who people speak slowly to because they think he doesn't understand English. I can't begin to know the perils of being short guy in the dating world.

 

Not because I am unfeeling, simply because I don't experience what they do.

 

I agree that your chances are better while being open to many different types of relationships. But if your dates were limited to say 10 a year, and you hoped to find a long term RL, you likely would pick one to try with. This is the problem with OLD as a guy. Your lack of options forces you to date less than ideal women. Most guys go on dates with women who say yes.

 

And to add, if a woman says she just wants casual sex with you, A LOT of guys would be just fine with that.

[SevenCity]

Dude you should go out clubbing. Strobe lights, loud dance music, and all the girls are better looking than they otherwise would be because you're drunk. It's an awesome way to meet women.

 

I hated clubs in my 20s, and won't go in my 40s!

 

I've never done well picking up women and clubs or bars. It's just not my scene.

 

But thanks for the idea!

[SevenCity]

Seems like a good way to meet a ONS. It's one of the few venues that makes it impossible to have a conversation or to be able to get any sense of thevother persons intellectual or emotional state.

 

As a woman, it sure is.

 

Most guys leave empty handed though.

 

Surprisingly (to a lot of women), most men I meet would rather be in a LTR. Chasing skirts is a game for the young. Most of us are happy to settle down with a cute, nice girl. Not a supermodel, just pretty and sweet.

[aussietigerwolf]

I have had that too. Im also on reddit and someone said that women who message first are easy and always dtf...

Also my experience. I hate OLD.

 

There was the guy who sent me sexually provocative messages...

 

And the guy who verbally abused me and told me that I was a stuck up ***** who thought I was better than everyone else because I sent him a message that said "thanks for your message. Unfortunately, I don't think we have very much in common but I do wish you well in your search..."

 

No, thank you. I would much rather be single than sign up for OLD again...

[Chilli]

l agree with nospan l've been really surprised ,pleasantly too . l'm not in the states though , seems like a whole nother animal there in anything single.

But l was only on it a mth and some here know l met someone very very special , still going but she's not divorced yet and tbh , l think she needs a bit more single life first . Not to screw around she's not that type but to find herself better as they say.

Nother story.

 

But and l might add, l have great taste in women and in my opinion , ahh , that's my opinion, chuckle, the people l've met are the pick of the crop yet they aren't beating guys of with sticks by any means .

l notice too most of the others are on 3 or 4 date sites and been on them years .

So frankly , as l always say , l don't think anything in this stuff is any easier for either,

At the end of the day it's really about meeting the one and hopefully falling in love and that ain't easy for anyone.

 

Mine only met 2 other guys in 3mths, didn't like either.

And the only other important one l met before her , only 3 in 7yrs. And she was a catch and a half, we were just too different that's all.

 

So personally l get sick of hearing how easy it all is for women because l know single women been screaming for a good man for years and l also see and hear what goes on on my date site as well , and nothing is easy , no matter who you are.

My sister and one of her friends , both great looking ladies have been single pretty well 20yrs, .maybe longer.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Chilli

[Chilli]

ps , not that l'm selling date sites tbh l'd take RL any day if l could but l must admit l was pretty surprised though.

 

Funny too , it's a little bit awkward , but man , are supermarkets the place to be or what.

l enjoy my shopping these days.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Chilli

[Philosopher]

OP, I too had many of the same issues as you with OLD

 

I recently have starting using Meetup groups as my main means to find women to date. Although most Meetup groups are not aimed at dating specifically, I do find that the majority of people attending them are single and many are fairly open to dating others from Meetup groups.

 

With Meetup groups you know right away if there is attraction between the two of you and you already know quite a bit about them by the time you go on actual date. In effect the first date when meeting someone from a Meetup group is like the second date of someone you met via online dating.

 

That said with Meetup groups you still do get some of the issues you get with OLD. For example in the last couple of weeks I went on couple of dates within a women who still seemed hung up on her ex. I think though you are going to get these sort of issues with any method of meeting others.

[road]

Okay. I'll be a lone voice crying 'no' in a crowd of 'yes'.

 

But, parameters: I'm 63 going on 64. Legally single (again) for less than a year. On OLD for a little over 3 months. I've 'met' five women (dated two, messaged a couple of dozen, ignored messages from a different couple of dozen) who were superficially nice BUT, so far, no long-term relationship. This is in stark contrast to meetup.com where, in five years, none of the women who I've been at events with showed the slightest interest. I have no friends with the kind of social contacts to 'set me up', refuse the risks of office romances, and hate the bar scene.

 

The great upside I see to OLD is that I start out being 'told' (liars and other fakes excepted) that the women are there wanting to meet men. Short of speed-dating, which only runs nearby for people my age about twice a year, there is nowhere else I get this advantage. So, given the relative short length of my experience and the other considerations I outlined, I really LIKE OLD. Clearly YMMV

 

Problem for older women (statistically):

 

Is that women live longer then men so there are more

women then there are men in the later years. Translates

to not enough men to meet the demand.

 

Next is that men always want a younger woman. So the 60

year old man will want the 50 year old woman.

 

Conclusion (in a joking way):

 

If a senior citizen man can still breath he will get some

interest from the ladies.

[Chilli]

So in theory it actually only gets better as we get older then right.

 

That's damn nice to know just encase all else fails in the meantime.