Wife thinks she may love another man

[Tetris6565]

This totally blindsided me. I had no idea this guy even existed. She says she’s never cheated and I believe her. Apparently she and this guy have had 10 years of history and never “dated” (whatever that means). She said she’s been battling this issue internally even prior to our marriage but that she thought it would go away with time. Why would you marry someone if you think you might love someone else? Anyway she apparently “ran into him” ( we moved to another city and by coincidence he’s here now too) and she’s afraid she won’t be able to stay faithful. She’s willing to go to couples therapy and seek a therapist for her own issues. Anyone have expirnce with his? I love her but I don’t know if I can get over the fact she may always want another man.

[OneLov]

First, I am very sorry. I can't imagine the pain and shock you are feeling atm.

 

Infidelity is both emotional and physical. There is a very good chance that she is cheating emotionally. You need to determine the extent of her relationship with him. She must be honest with you about everything. Once you feeling you have everything on the table, then you can make decisions about the future.

 

I know it may suck right now, but I can promise you will be ok regardless of the outcome. Stay strong.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said she’s been battling this issue internally even prior to our marriage but that she thought it would go away with time.

 

Only speaking for myself but I'm not sure I could ever come fully back to the relationship after hearing this. She's basically saying you were Plan B, she wanted him but settled for you.

 

How did you find out about this? Kudos to her if she offered this up on her own but you have some very hard choices to make. I feel your pain...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BarbedFenceRider]

I agree with Lucky...Plan B.

 

How long were you guys married? Also, if I ran into my "first real love" on the street...I wouldn't just go,"hey you know what? I had history with this chick, and I still love her so...." Something seems eschew here! Your not getting the whole story, and you may not. Maybe time to jump ship.

Edited January 18, 2018 by BarbedFenceRider
spelling...her.

[Tetris6565]

Only speaking for myself but I'm not sure I could ever come fully back to the relationship after hearing this. She's basically saying you were Plan B, she wanted him but settled for you.

 

How did you find out about this? Kudos to her if she offered this up on her own but you have some very hard choices to make. I feel your pain...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She told me. As much as it hurts I do respect the fact she had the nerve to bring this up before she had sex outside our marriage. She didn’t offer many details but I get the feeling if timing had been right she definitely would have chosen this guy over me. I think she settled and hoped the feeling would go away on its own. She said she even had this guy blocked on her phone because he would period reach out to her. I don’t even think this dude knows she’s married

[Tetris6565]

I agree with Lucky...Plan B.

 

How long were you guys married? Also, if I ran into my "first real love" on the street...I wouldn't just go,"hey you know what? I had history with this chick, and I still love her so...." Something seems eschew here! Your not getting the whole story, and you may not. Maybe time to jump ship.

 

We have been married just over a year

[central]

He may be her preference, but she may not be his. That does not mean he wouldn't pump and dump her if offered the chance, but that's not certain - some men do respect others' vows.

 

The issue here is that she was and is still smitten, and settled for you - you may be the best she could get at the time, but still not be what she wants. At least she is apparently honest and wants to do something about this before it grows into a huge, insoluble problem - give her lots of credit for that, at least.

 

Think carefully about what you want, and the quality of your relationship. At this stage, there are few - if any - consequences to you if you divorce (as long as you don't have children together). Later, this could change, so be very sure of the choices you make. Therapy may be helpful in figuring this out - together, and separately.

[road]

You need to move far away for your wife is addicted to this OM.

At least 1,000 miles making it to hard for them to hook up.

The OM will then pass on her for local women.

[Marc878]

If I were you I'd check my phone bill.

 

Go online and take a look.

 

Only married a year. You have some thinking to do.

 

I would not wallow in the plan B zone for long.

[Miyoko]

Marc878, I agree I think there's more to the story here..

[usa1ah]

I don’t see this ending well.

 

You need to know their history so you can make your own decision. If she actually loves this guy and not you, there is not much you can do.

[5x5]

We have been married just over a year

 

If I were you I would divorce her.

[SammySammy]

I’ve been there. As the other man.

 

Actually, I have two exes who think I’m “the love of their life” and claim they will always love me. So far, that seems to be the case.

 

This is what I think I know to be true about situations like this:

 

1. As unfair and hard to understand it may be, there is nothing you can do to stop your wife from loving another man. It’s not your fault. And you can’t change it.

 

2. There’s really nothing the other man can do to stop your wife from loving him either. I’ve purposely avoided both of these women for years. Not spoken to them for years. Still, when we cross paths again she’s still holding a candle for me. Simply being in each other’s presence rekindles the flame.

 

3. Chances are this guy doesn’t want your wife. I mean ... he knows how she feels. If he wanted her, then he would have been with her. There’s a reason you don’t choose a woman who always loves you and is always available.

 

4. However, that doesn’t mean he won’t sleep with her. Your wife has essentially told you it will happen if the opportunity arises. Believe her. I’m on this site due to an affair with one of those women.

 

I can’t suggest you divorce your wife based on what may happen. There’s a chance she could come to her senses and avoid this guy. And I don’t think there’s a guarantee you won’t run into this again if you leave her to find somebody else. I think most women have that one guy in their past. For some, the bond may be stronger than others. But, you can almost be certain every woman you meet might have a man in her past she had a more intense relationship with, was a better lover than you, a better communicator, was with her at a crucial point in her life, or whatever. Maybe he could have just been her first love. You know they say we never get over our first love.

 

It’s a reality we all face. Personally, I’ve learned not to worry about her past. Just have to enjoy and appreciate what we have today. Realize what’s important in your relationship. For most, honesty, trust, and fidelity are among those things.

 

What you have to do is figure out what you will do if those things you value in a relationship are broken. The proceed as appropriate.

 

But, I wouldn’t stress her feeling one way or another. As I said, that is true to some extent for most. Most just don’t reveal it. And, if you’re fortunate, don’t act on it.

Edited January 19, 2018 by MidKnightDreams

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's possible it's not the other man your wife is in love with. It's possible she's in love with living in a fantasy world. I believe this happens to a lot of both women and men; however, that really isn't the issue here. The issue is that she's not able to give you her heart fully.

 

There are women who live in the present and who don't have that ex lover that will always be in their hearts as #1.

 

I believe it's very possible if you divorce this woman at some point she'll begin to believe you're the love of her life. Not guaranteed but could happen. Still, that doesn't matter because what matters now is that she's not able to give you her heart fully.

 

You have to decide if you can live with that. Personally, since the two of you don't have children I'd set her free and find someone you're #1 with. They're out there.

 

If you should decide to stay with her, please don't have children until you're sure you really want to be with her for your lifetime as is.

[Maraud3r]

You need to move far away for your wife is addicted to this OM.

At least 1,000 miles making it to hard for them to hook up.

The OM will then pass on her for local women.

You forgot the step where he divorces her first, after looking for evidence that something questionable is going on. Her bringing this up is a huge red flag. It might be her laying the grounds to explain away things she couldn't otherwise.

 

This shouldn't be about saving the marriage anymore, it should be about him mitigating damage to himself, getting out and finding a partner who actually LOVES HIM and not someone else they couldn't get.

[Tetris6565]

You forgot the step where he divorces her first, after looking for evidence that something questionable is going on. Her bringing this up is a huge red flag. It might be her laying the grounds to explain away things she couldn't otherwise.

 

This shouldn't be about saving the marriage anymore, it should be about him mitigating damage to himself, getting out and finding a partner who actually LOVES HIM and not someone else they couldn't get.

 

I think if she did already cheat she would have told me. I mean if the roles were revered I wouldn’t have said anything unless I was ready to divorce. We talked some more and from what she’s saying it’s like she wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him she’d leave because she was worried about what she would do to me if she stayed

 

I just wish I could make her realize we all get boring after awhile and that if her and this guy were meant to be they would have been together already...

I’m wondering why he didn’t pursue her earlier in life. She is very attractive

[SammySammy]

Right.

 

If he wanted her, he would have been with her. They would have been together long before you came into the picture.

 

Now that I think of it, him not wanting her may be part of the reason. Some people have a hard time dealing with rejection. Want things we cannot have.

 

Who knows what is the reason?

 

The question is can you two have a quality relationship. Can you be husband and wife to each other in a way that respects and fulfills both?

[lolablue17]

I can't advice you what to do because it's so personal. I can only say that If I was you I couldn't have survived this. There is no reality in the world I could have stayed.

 

How should I over come a situation in which I know My wife has just used me? That she stood there in the wedding seramony, looked into my eyes and lied to me right there, and continued to lie all along?

 

She had some calculations in her head why this marriage might work, but she made an experiment, and I was and am the mouse in this experiment. And now she says that this experiment failed.

 

You are blinded by the fact that she is honest now with you, but It doesn't araise the years she was constantly lying.

 

Sorry man. for me marriage is a huge shared valuable , not a tool you use to achieve some individual goal. This marriage is a deception.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Set her free. You can be kind, but you need to have some boundaries for yourself. I personally went with the line of "I am selfish, and only want a partner all for me." "I want my wife to think I am #1 and a super hero". Sadly, your W does not. It sucks but atleast you are not so invested that much time and effort were put into this.

 

As for finding out if she is already in affair-landia...You already got a gift from her. She told you she wants to explore another man. That should be a deal breaker for marriage. You don't need to do the pain shopping of finding out how many men have been inside her, and what crazy crap she does with others and not you... Just let it go, and find your special someone who looks to you like a devoted wife should look.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tetris, your situation is really sad. I have a question for you. Has your wife offered you a divorce based on her feelings for this other guy? If she has I would take her up on her offer with the proviso that she should try out a relationship with this guy and if it does not work out and she is able to extinguish her feelings for him then, if you are not in a committed relationship by then and she is able to make you the number one guy in her life, that you two could start dating again and see where it goes. This is, of course a very long shot but by its very nature something that will safeguard your interests. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Just a guy, normally I would say yeah that...But because she already HAD known the OM, and she never fully disclosed that to the OP. She has him labeled as plan B. Also, I feel that going into marriage, there should not have been something this important hidden. Kinda like lying through omission...

 

Does he see a "awesome" life with a wife (rhyming sucks) that settled "down" for him? I couldn't do it. And how does the intimacy thing swing as well now that this is all out in the open?

[sandylee1]

If my husband told me this I'm afraid if I didn't go for a divorce ...I'd become less committed and probably only hang around till I found someone else I wanted to start dating.

 

That's just me though.

[SammySammy]

Isn't settling ... down ... the norm? Simply taking the best option available at the time.

 

When a "better option" comes along - whether it was an unavailable option she knew before or someone she just discovered - you're at a disadvantage either way.

 

It's a fact of life. Something we all face. Men and women get replaced by what their SO thinks is a better option all of the time. It's a threat in every relationship.

 

The critical point is the decision to stay or leave. Not whether she knew him before or met someone afterward. While our egos may be hurt, what's really important is how committed each is to the relationship. If either is not really committed, then the relationship is doomed no matter when the "better option" came along.

 

However, if both are truly committed to their marriage then "better options" are mere distractions. Distractions that all relationships face.

[usa1ah]

I think if she did already cheat she would have told me. I mean if the roles were revered I wouldn’t have said anything unless I was ready to divorce. We talked some more and from what she’s saying it’s like she wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him she’d leave because she was worried about what she would do to me if she stayed

 

I just wish I could make her realize we all get boring after awhile and that if her and this guy were meant to be they would have been together already...

I’m wondering why he didn’t pursue her earlier in life. She is very attractive

 

The two of you haven’t been together long enough to be bored with each other.

 

She wouldn’t leave the marriage to be with him so what will she do to you if she stays?

 

Was your wife rejected by him and now all her feelings for him have come flooding back?

 

You need to know exactly what happened between the two of them.

 

Is he dominate over her for their past relationship, this can happen when there in a strong physical attraction form their past relationship.

 

Is she scared that if he pursues her she will cheat? That it’s beyond her self control.

[RSCoach]

Well, from experience this type of situation I marry someone while there's that someone else that never left my heart and mind is never a really good situation.

 

Maybe try to go to marriage counseling together, and make a pact that you'll tell each other the truth no matter what. Better to be sad for a while than lied to forever. Help her understand that you need to have some type of assurance that either it's over with the guy or if not you need to know.