Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 (edited) Hi all. First post...lurked for a while without registering. I've been married 18 years. My wife is a wonderful sweet person, who has always loved me way more than I loved her. It was originally a rebound relationship after breaking up with my high school sweetheart at the age of 19...but I was young, stupid, inexperienced, and really had no idea what I was doing, and somehow stumbled into marriage. Hell, I didn't know what a rebound was at that point. We do NOT have children. I have a ton of resentments and regrets. I wish I'd had the courage to end this all years ago...but she's so sweet that I just don't want to hurt her and can't bring myself to do it. I talked about a divorce with her about 6 years ago...but then her mother passed away unexpectedly, and I didn't have the heart to follow through. Instead I agreed to some marriage counseling, and just bottled everything up... So now, it's been 18 years of marriage, and I just don't want to do this anymore. I care for her, like a close friend, but that's really it. She knows that I'm depressed, and having problems being intimate. I'm just not attracted to her in that way at all, and sex is just a chore. She keeps trying to attribute my unhappiness to my work - I'm a tax accountant, and while my job can suck at times and I'm unhappy in my current position, I'm 99% sure it's my home life that is causing my depression. Earlier this week, I was visibly depressed, and she suggested that I call one of my old buddies up for a chat. I thought that was a great idea, so once she went to bed I stayed up and called my friend, and we talked for a couple of hours about my relationship problems. Including my desire for a divorce. He advised that I write her a letter so that I could get all of my thoughts in one place before trying to discuss any of this with her. So here's the twist...MY WIFE WAS EAVESDROPPING. She had woken up, and gone to the closet medicine cabinet just outside of the room where I was on the phone to grab some decongestant. She heard a good deal of my side of the conversation...I'm still not exactly sure what...told me that she didn't mean to eavesdrop- and I believe that it wasn't intentional...but the damage was done. She knew I wanted a divorce, but I wasn't able to frame the subject with her at all. So now, like a [] idiot, I agreed to talk to a counselor again because I evidently don't have a [] spine. I'm absolutely terrible at verbalizing my feelings. My memory for conversations is just crap- I'm a visual learner, I need to read it to remember it- so whenever I'm trying to talk about how I feel, she comes up with a ton of counter-examples and generally makes me feel like my feelings are invalid. I've been avoiding her all week...I've been too cowardly to just man up and end it. We don't have kids. She's an accountant too, and is perfectly capable of supporting herself...so it's mostly a matter of details. But I feel so guilty for putting my happiness above hers... Edited January 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit title and content for language. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 You are selfish. So am I and everyone else on this forum. It’s human nature to want the best for yourself even if it means hurting others. Just make sure when you do end it that you do it in person and gently. Let her say her piece and be ready for her reactions. Crying, yelling etc.... Before you do any of this have your house in order into terms of finances and lawyer up so things are split cleanly. If you do things in a clean but firm manner, she will have more respect for you. Be a man of strength and integrity 7 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 It's marriage...it has ups and downs. Remember the in sickness and in health part.... For better and for worse? Ring a bell? You most likely swore an oath to God and your wife in front of friends and family...honor it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 So, real quick, I apologize to William for violating terms...evidently I didn't read the community guidelines well enough. I'm pretty salty with the language, and usually express myself with f-bombs. I'll try to watch the language. And @HiCrunchy- I need to man up. I know this. It's just difficult, and the guilt stops me dead in my tracks when I see her. I guess I'm mostly just here to vent about the situation. I know what I need to do...Hell, the therapist told me the same dang thing. I've read every freaking article I could find on dealing with divorce-related guilt, and I just need to figure out how to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 It's marriage...it has ups and downs. Remember the in sickness and in health part.... For better and for worse? Ring a bell? You most likely swore an oath to God and your wife in front of friends and family...honor it. I don't believe in any gods. We have one lifetime, so why suffer? 10 Link to post Share on other sites
jjgitties Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 OP. Maybe you just need to find ways in your life to be happier. You can't attribute all your unhappiness to your wife. What is it that she is exactly doing to make you unhappy? What makes you so sure someone else in your life will make you happier? Other people aren't responsible for your happiness or unhappiness... You are. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I'm a tax accountant, and while my job can suck at times and I'm unhappy in my current position Do you even have time for marriage counseling right now?? Maybe put a pin in everything until after tax time. You don't want to jeopardize your job/career at this point. If you are not busy yet, you will be very soon and you need your head in the game for your clients. Maybe you'll have a different perspective after tax time, maybe part of your angst/depression is year-end and the upcoming season?? Just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 Do you even have time for marriage counseling right now?? Maybe put a pin in everything until after tax time. You don't want to jeopardize your job/career at this point. If you are not busy yet, you will be very soon and you need your head in the game for your clients. Maybe you'll have a different perspective after tax time, maybe part of your angst/depression is year-end and the upcoming season?? Just a thought. That's what my wife keeps trying to say, that I'm only unhappy because of work. But I was unhappy long before I became an accountant. And yes, I am spending far too much time dwelling on this during busy season...at the least it gives me a good reason not to be at home right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 That's what my wife keeps trying to say, that I'm only unhappy because of work. But I was unhappy long before I became an accountant. And yes, I am spending far too much time dwelling on this during busy season...at the least it gives me a good reason not to be at home right now. OK... I didn't realize your unhappiness went that far back. As far as work, I've spent hours and hours just doing some preliminary work on my personal taxes, this year. YOU MUST BE SWAMPED!! Personally, I was a horrible individual at year-end. It took me a while to realize that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 OK... I didn't realize your unhappiness went that far back. As far as work, I've spent hours and hours just doing some preliminary work on my personal taxes, this year. YOU MUST BE SWAMPED!! Personally, I was a horrible individual at year-end. It took me a while to realize that. Lol. Tell me about it. And we're BOTH accountants, so one of us is always in a busy season...she does state and local tax work for a big international company, and I'm at a mid-sized CPA firm. And yeah...I knew I made a mistake in getting married within a few years. But I was young and stupid, and thought that I could make things work, and I wasn't all that unhappy early on. I thought things would get better... I think part of it is never having lived as an adult on my own before- every decision, every purchase, every plan is for two people. It's selfish as hell, I know, but I just want to be left to my own devices. I want to have my own friends, my own social life. She has no boundaries - everything is together. It was cute at first, but it became a huge burden. I don't want to conform to what she's willing to do anymore, because we want very different things in life. I want to be me, I don't want to be her. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 It's selfish as hell, I know, but I just want to be left to my own devices. I want to have my own friends, my own social life. She has no boundaries - everything is together. It was cute at first, but it became a huge burden. I don't want to conform to what she's willing to do anymore, because we want very different things in life. I want to be me, I don't want to be her. It is not selfish to want to be "left to my own devices". You should have your alone time. Do hobbies or interests alone, have your own friends & social life. Do you feel like she tries to control too many aspects of your life?? And how did you let her have "no boundaries"?? Did you ever put your foot down and say I'm buying a "fill in the blank" or my new hobby is "fill in the blank" and I'm going to do it alone?? I've lived alone 99% all of my adult life and I LOVE IT!! I go where I want, do what I want, pick up and move when I want, change jobs when I want. Never been married and I LOVE IT!! Its not for everyone, but it works for me. I can't imagine anyone controlling any aspect of my life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 It is not selfish to want to be "left to my own devices". You should have your alone time. Do hobbies or interests alone, have your own friends & social life. Do you feel like she tries to control too many aspects of your life?? And how did you let her have "no boundaries"?? Did you ever put your foot down and say I'm buying a "fill in the blank" or my new hobby is "fill in the blank" and I'm going to do it alone?? I've lived alone 99% all of my adult life and I LOVE IT!! I go where I want, do what I want, pick up and move when I want, change jobs when I want. Never been married and I LOVE IT!! Its not for everyone, but it works for me. I can't imagine anyone controlling any aspect of my life... My spouse is quite...needy. I don't get much time away from her, and when I do it's either negotiated with a curfew of some type, or she's out of town on a business trip. She controls most aspects of my life. And my therapist literally just told me I need to work on setting and enforcing boundaries once this is all over, one way or the other. lol. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 I've lived alone 99% all of my adult life and I LOVE IT!! I go where I want, do what I want, pick up and move when I want, change jobs when I want. Never been married and I LOVE IT!! Its not for everyone, but it works for me. I can't imagine anyone controlling any aspect of my life... That is what I want. I'm quite envious, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I don't get much time away from her, and when I do it's either negotiated with a curfew of some type. A curfew?? Are you her husband or are you her child?? When you get home, change and go out (without her) and don't abide to her silly curfew... Go to a pub or a bookstore or anywhere and come home when you want to, not when your curfew is up. Just tell her you are going out and do it. You created this monster by letting her have her way, every time. I've never heard of a grown man having a curfew. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I'm flabbergasted. Just my two cents... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 That is what I want. I'm quite envious, lol. And because I was able to make financial decisions just for me, I was able to retire (early) earlier this month. Now I'm prepping my truck to go visit all of the natural wonders in the Southwest. I have no regrets regarding the decisions I've made. I've never been lonely and only been "alone" when I wanted to be. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 A curfew?? Are you her husband or are you her child?? When you get home, change and go out (without her) and don't abide to her silly curfew... Go to a pub or a bookstore or anywhere and come home when you want to, not when your curfew is up. Just tell her you are going out and do it. You created this monster by letting her have her way, every time. I've never heard of a grown man having a curfew. Sorry if that seems harsh, but I'm flabbergasted. Just my two cents... Curfew was just the term I chose. But I suppose it's fitting. She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake....She has a number of allergies and health problems, and I catered to her problems for years. So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit. It precludes me from taking part in any activities that run late on week nights. And I'm not insulted- I know I made this problem. I've always been conflict averse/a pushover. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Curfew was just the term I chose. But I suppose it's fitting. She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake....She has a number of allergies and health problems, and I catered to her problems for years. So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit. It precludes me from taking part in any activities that run late on week nights. And I'm not insulted- I know I made this problem. I've always been conflict averse/a pushover. Yeah thats some real BS. I would say, if she doesn't want to lose you, she needs to make some drastic changes, like not making you responsible for her anxiety, and going to bed by herself like a grown woman. But... if you are no longer sexually attracted to her, if there is no spark, this sounds DONE. I am in a childless marrige, and for us, I feel its often best of both worlds. We have a partner we can depend on, share our lives with, sex, and fun and all of that. But we also have a lot of Independence. We have our own time consuming hobbies (horses for me, MX and Mt Bikes for him). He may go on a 3 day riding trip with the guys, I may head off to a riding competition. He can go out and paint the town if he wants - hell he came home at 4 am last Thursday - All I ask for is an occasional text to let me know he isn't dead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 She doesn't sleep well when I'm not home, her separation anxiety keeps her awake.... So if I'm not home before her bed time (typically 930 or 10 most nights), she pitches a fit. They make sleeping pills for people that don't sleep well... If I can't sleep I take a benadryl. Let her pitch a fit, what is the worst that can happen... She files for divorce?? Her sleeping disorder and separation anxiety are her problem, not yours. I'm not saying come home at 3:00am and start the blender with ice in it, but you can go out after 9:30-10:00. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 But yeah, she does treat me a lot like I'm a child, and I let her get away with it for years. Like I said, at first things were cute and endearing, but that wore off long ago and I've never been able to get her to change. A big part of it is my own fault. I just need out. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 I just need out. Start with regaining some of your independence and see how that goes, then after tax season re-evaluate if you want out. One step at a time, brother, one step at a time... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 The counselor we retained is suggesting a trial separation. Other than the pain in the ass of separating our accounts, it's pretty tempting... Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 The counselor we retained is suggesting a trial separation. Other than the pain in the ass of separating our accounts, it's pretty tempting... Trial Separation?? How is that going to work if you have to home by 10:00pm. 18 years is a long time... I guess you have to ask yourself if this can be fixed and what kind of life do you want to live. I thought I was an "oddball" for never have been married, but I read somewhere between 20% to 27% of all adults have never been married?? I'm sure there are quite a few men that got married, divorced and never re-married, if that is truly what you want. Separating accounts, hard?? You're an accountant, create an equitable & fair spreadsheet and do a wire transfer to another account. You can do it on-line in 30 seconds... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 Trial Separation?? How is that going to work if you have to home by 10:00pm. 18 years is a long time... I guess you have to ask yourself if this can be fixed and what kind of life do you want to live. I thought I was an "oddball" for never have been married, but I read somewhere between 20% to 27% of all adults have never been married?? I'm sure there are quite a few men that got married, divorced and never re-married, if that is truly what you want. Separating accounts, hard?? You're an accountant, create an equitable & fair spreadsheet and do a wire transfer to another account. You can do it on-line in 30 seconds... Lol, I just meant agreeing on who takes what. The mechanics of it are simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 19, 2018 Share Posted January 19, 2018 Lol, I just meant agreeing on who takes what. How about 50/50?? If your liquid assets are $10K; she gets $5K, you get $5K. Are you sure you are an accountant?? LOL.. This is a temporary separation, not a divorce settlement. That is a horse of a different color Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy_Nerd Posted January 19, 2018 Author Share Posted January 19, 2018 How about 50/50?? If your liquid assets are $10K; she gets $5K, you get $5K. Are you sure you are an accountant?? LOL.. This is a temporary separation, not a divorce settlement. That is a horse of a different color Sure, for the liquid assets, I'm more concerned about who is responsible for which liabilities. Student loans are easy. CC's can be split. But car payments & mortgage are a little bit more of a negotiation. That's all. And as I said, the mechanics are easy, it's getting her to agree to stuff that may be difficult. We'll see I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts