A date was arranged then this happened... Explanation?

[One Hope One Quest]

I'm thinking I shouldn't be feeling bad about this. Let me know if you think I'm wrong though.

 

Been talking to this girl for a few weeks almost every day on badoo and then facebook. Last Friday the 12th I asked if she wants to meet up she said yes and we agreed to meet on Wednesday for a few drinks,we spoke throughout the weekend.. and then on monday I messaged her saying ''so what time are we meeting then and where on wednesday?'' And suddenly.... she didn't read that message or reply she just went silent on me.. But she continued to update her facebook with funny video links and was online on badoo.

 

So monday gets to friday today and I messaged her.. here are the exact words.

 

Me ' why go quiet after we had arranged to meet' ( angry emoji)

 

Her ' I'm sorry my grandad is seriously ill like if lucky 6 months to live if possible a little longer I went out 8 am and didn't come back till 11pm I didn't think I would be out that long.....

But hey be angry seems like everyone is'

 

Me ' Really.... well it only takes 5 seconds to message to say you couldn't meet'

 

Her ' Never message me again. Never'

( and then she blocked me)

 

 

 

???? Help me make sense of this. Her saying she'd been out all day (on one day didnt say which day/s) or her grandfather being very ill doesn't excuse her from not sending a quick message in seconds to say she couldnt meet surely..

I'm thinking maybe she just changed her mind about meeting me or has decided to meet another guy shes been speaking to online. And was just using any excuse to just discard me. I don't think its reasonable and fair that she said never message me again and blocked me over what I wrote.She'd never mentioned her grandfather before. I don't think I did anything wrong here but tell me if you disagree...

Edited January 19, 2018 by One Hope One Quest

[lurker74]

The only thing you did wrong was let her know that it bothered you that she ghosted you. I mean, of course it bothered you but never let a loser know that it did. All it does is a) make you look weak and b) make them feel guilty.

 

So she decided to hang out with another guy and then when you called her on it, she played the self righteous card. Move on...you saved yourself.

 

Next time, when she doesn't respond to the Monday text, send a second follow up that just has "?" in it. If there's no response, delete the number

[smackie9]

You shouldn't be a d bag callin her out like that. If she went silent, and the date didn't happen, take it as a "I'm not interested in dating you." basically you are just a penpal for attention. Tip: don't chat with a girl for weeks. You share a few conversations then you ask her out. If you get any answer but yes, ditch the b&^%$, and move on. You will never have a missed opportunity shutting these time wasters down.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Responses like yours are why so many women hate online dating. You didn't have to be so angry about it.

 

Also, for future reference, avoid asking the girl, "so where are we going and what time?" Instead say, "Is 7PM at XYZ good for you?"

[Space Ritual]

I'm thinking I shouldn't be feeling bad about this. Let me know if you think I'm wrong though.

 

Been talking to this girl for a few weeks almost every day on badoo and then facebook. Last Friday the 12th I asked if she wants to meet up she said yes and we agreed to meet on Wednesday for a few drinks,we spoke throughout the weekend.. and then on monday I messaged her saying ''so what time are we meeting then and where on wednesday?'' And suddenly.... she didn't read that message or reply she just went silent on me.. But she continued to update her facebook with funny video links and was online on badoo.

 

So monday gets to friday today and I messaged her.. here are the exact words.

 

Me ' why go quiet after we had arranged to meet' ( angry emoji)

 

Her ' I'm sorry my grandad is seriously ill like if lucky 6 months to live if possible a little longer I went out 8 am and didn't come back till 11pm I didn't think I would be out that long.....

But hey be angry seems like everyone is'

 

Me ' Really.... well it only takes 5 seconds to message to say you couldn't meet'

 

Her ' Never message me again. Never'

( and then she blocked me)

 

 

 

???? Help me make sense of this. Her saying she'd been out all day (on one day didnt say which day/s) doesn't excuse her from not sending a quick message in seconds to say she couldnt meet. .

 

Im thinking maybe she just changed her mind about meeting me or has decided to meet another guy shes been speaking to online. And was just using any excuse to just discard me. I don't think its reasonable and fair that she said never message me again and blocked me over what I wrote. I don't think I did anything wrong here but tell me if you disagree...

 

Move on....If I dime for every time somebody came to LS and reported that the person used the Dying Parent or Grandparent line as to why they stood somebody up, I'd own this website.

 

Just don't waste your time on these types. They run hot or cold. Generally people cannot resist using Emotional Extortion Social Media posts to garner sympathy for anything from a natural disaster to a hang nail. So unless she went on and on about her tragedy in an FB post before she blocked you, Then I would expect her Grandpa would be shocked and dismayed to discover his granddaughter diagnosed him as Terminal while he is out playing Golf

 

 

At my job, younger people use this excuse quite often as to why they can't work...yet they are online posting pictures of the crappy meals they made or the blunts they just smoked without one word about the Thoughts and Prayers they would be fishing for if it were in fact, true.

 

I have an employee here that has gone through about 12 sets of dead relatives in 9 months. lol

 

Sure it could all be true. But I doubt it. She blocked you because you were raining on her parade and trying to pin down a time for the date, and some other guy showed up she wanted to bang that was not you.

 

Put her out of your mind.

[d0nnivain]

While she may have been lying, you didn't handle this well.

 

The angry emotion was not good. Confused would have been better. For you to be genuinely angry that somebody you didn't know ghosted you is too much. Irked or annoyed, fine but how do you get all the way to angry over a stranger?

 

When she told you about her grandfather it would have been kinder to reply that you were sorry about her pain. Then you could have asked her to meet you for a drink to talk & drown her sorrows if that is what she needed to do. It would have been a far more empathetic response.

 

I get it. You know her reason was a lie since she had time to update other media but understand that was mindless. Talking to or meeting a real person takes effort.

[browzer]

Dude you come across as totally insecure and doing the whole needy clingy thing with a good dose of poorly controlled anger thrown in.

 

She doesn't get back to you, then you move on to the next, you don't berate her or express anger at what could very well be a legitimate urgent matter.

 

The fact that you don't even realize how you messed up is rather troubling. I can only imagine how demanding and needy you are if and when you're actually IN a committed relationship. Talk about high maintenance.

[CptInsano]

Yeah, not much you could have done. She tried to fade or ghost you, and was making excuses once you reached out to her. Was she dishonest? Yes, very likely. Does it make a difference? No, you most likely never had a chance. In that sense you didn't mess up, as she had made up her mind to ignore you already.

[alphamale]

she had no intention to meet you in the first place, and there is no sick granddad

[kendahke]

???? Help me make sense of this.

 

She's just some chick you've been talking to on the phone. That's it. You have nothing with her except a couple of phone calls. She's not even your girlfriend--hell, she's not even your friend at this point.

 

She doesn't know you and she's clearly not going to be pressed by a thirsty, clingy stranger.

 

I'd have cut you loose, too.

[Imajerk17]

While she may have been lying, you didn't handle this well.

 

The angry emotion was not good. Confused would have been better. For you to be genuinely angry that somebody you didn't know ghosted you is too much. Irked or annoyed, fine but how do you get all the way to angry over a stranger?

 

When she told you about her grandfather it would have been kinder to reply that you were sorry about her pain. Then you could have asked her to meet you for a drink to talk & drown her sorrows if that is what she needed to do. It would have been a far more empathetic response.

 

I get it. You know her reason was a lie since she had time to update other media but understand that was mindless. Talking to or meeting a real person takes effort.

 

I don't know @donnivain, I think some level of anger that OP expressed is justified. [Although that is the problem with electronic communication. Exactly *what* level of anger does an "angry" emoticon signify again? ]

 

You usually give great advice but not this time. When this girl gave her reason it was so transparent she knew OP could see through it. She had to know. She is so upset about her "sick grandfather" that she cannot give 30 seconds to get back to the OP, but then she keeps posting funny links on social media? Talk about disrespectful!

 

From the responses on here, maybe this is something that tends to fall along gender lines. I think more women tend to be more accepting of poofing before a first date. Maybe they are more likely say that if she changes her mind about meeting then he is a stranger and that he isn't entitled to her time or her reasons. Whereas more guys are more likely to see poofing as just wrong--stranger or not she gave him her word and he set aside time for her to meet and for her to just vanish without saying anything is extremely disrespectful and rude.

 

Anyway OP I think her behaviour was quite rude, and that you dodged a bullet.

Edited January 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[SevenCity]

I don't know @donnivain, I think some level of anger that OP expressed is justified. [Although that is the problem with electronic communication. Exactly *what* level of anger does an "angry" emoticon signify again? ]

 

You usually give great advice but not this time. When this girl gave her reason it was so transparent she knew OP could see through it. She had to know. She is so upset about her "sick grandfather" that she cannot give 30 seconds to get back to the OP, but then she keeps posting funny links on social media? Talk about disrespectful!

 

From the responses on here, maybe this is something that tends to fall along gender lines. I think more women tend to be more accepting of poofing before a first date--maybe they are more likely say that if she changes her mind about meeting then he is a stranger and that he isn't entitled to her time or her reasons. Whereas more guys are more likely to see poofing as just wrong--stranger or not she gave him her word and he set aside time for her to meet and for her to just vanish without saying anything is extremely disrespectful and rude.

 

Anyway OP I think her behaviour was quite rude, and that you dodged a bullet.

 

Agreed. From posts here and IRL seems women flake more on dates then guys do and see nothing wrong with it. I’ve setup dates I was dreading and went anyway because I’m a man of my word. Women often see nothing wrong with flaking. I had one stand me up then try to make it my fault because I confirmed too soon!

 

OP:

1) As a man you make the plans.

2) You come across as angry, butthurt, and potentially violent. That’s why she blocked you.

3) Part of me says good for calling her out on her BS. But in the future just let it slide and say “Resch out to me when your schedule frees up” and never call her again unless she’s setting up definite plans with you

4) get used to this. A lot of women online pull this crap

[Dis]

I don't know @donnivain, I think some level of anger that OP expressed is justified. [Although that is the problem with electronic communication. Exactly *what* level of anger does an "angry" emoticon signify again? ]

 

You usually give great advice but not this time. When this girl gave her reason it was so transparent she knew OP could see through it. She had to know. She is so upset about her "sick grandfather" that she cannot give 30 seconds to get back to the OP, but then she keeps posting funny links on social media? Talk about disrespectful!

 

From the responses on here, maybe this is something that tends to fall along gender lines. I think more women tend to be more accepting of poofing before a first date. Maybe they are more likely say that if she changes her mind about meeting then he is a stranger and that he isn't entitled to her time or her reasons. Whereas more guys are more likely to see poofing as just wrong--stranger or not she gave him her word and he set aside time for her to meet and for her to just vanish without saying anything is extremely disrespectful and rude.

 

Anyway OP I think her behaviour was quite rude, and that you dodged a bullet.

 

I agree

 

OP, the only thing I disagree with is you attempting to hold this girl accountable through anger when we all know, the only person that is capable of holding this girl accountable is herself

 

If someone blows you off, good! Bye! *wave* If they had a legit reason to do that, they would message you and reschedule and you shouldnt need to do any of the leg work on that

 

I dont care about what is owed to people or what isnt. When a person tells another person they are setting aside a portion of their day to meet them, the other person either shows up, or tells them they cant come. Its a matter of human decency (a term long since forgotten)

 

But....if the person doesnt show human decency or common courtesy, thats your cue to bow out with your dignity intact knowing you didnt miss out on anything

 

OP, the right girl will WANT to go out with you. Don't forget that

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree OP has a right to be annoyed, and even angry. However, I have a philosophy of never burning bridges. He could have expressed himself more maturely. Then HE should have blocked HER.

[Cookiesandough]

She was never really interested and then she got a dad lecture from the guy she was never really interested in. How would you feel? You're not interested in a girl so you ignore her and then she sends text messages scolding you about it. Especially if your grandfather was ill (though I'm pretty sure she's lying about that) If they flake just move on, man.

[Arieswoman]

From the other side .....

 

I lost count of the number of guys I met who said that they would ring me and fix another date, often even choosing a specific day - then zilch.

 

I think I've told the story of 3 guys who all said they wanted to take me out on a Sat and I thought that surely to goodness one would materalize ( and I even bought a new dress and booked a hair appointment )

Result - zilch/da nada/radio silence.

 

So I kept a dignified silence and moved on. I was as mad as your hat but I wasn't going to give then the satisfaction of knowing that

 

If guys hadn't confirmed a Saturday date by Thurs I assumed it wasn't happening.

[Highndry]

You shouldn't be a d bag callin her out like that. If she went silent, and the date didn't happen, take it as a "I'm not interested in dating you." basically you are just a penpal for attention. Tip: don't chat with a girl for weeks. You share a few conversations then you ask her out. If you get any answer but yes, ditch the b&^%$, and move on. You will never have a missed opportunity shutting these time wasters down.

 

Whooaaaaaa-hohooooo there. "D-bag?" That's way too harsh given the situation. She agreed to a date, totally flaked out, lied about a sick grandfather then blocked him. She's a douche bag, not him.

 

Responses like yours are why so many women hate online dating. You didn't have to be so angry about it.

 

Also, for future reference, avoid asking the girl, "so where are we going and what time?" Instead say, "Is 7PM at XYZ good for you?"

 

I don't see where he was "so angry." I do see where he used an "angry emoji" - whatever that is, but he basically was straightforward about it. Personally, I would have just moved on and not said anything, but I don't see anything egregious on his part.

[SevenCity]

Whooaaaaaa-hohooooo there. "D-bag?" That's way too harsh given the situation. She agreed to a date, totally flaked out, lied about a sick grandfather then blocked him. She's a douche bag, not him.

 

 

 

I don't see where he was "so angry." I do see where he used an "angry emoji" - whatever that is, but he basically was straightforward about it. Personally, I would have just moved on and not said anything, but I don't see anything egregious on his part.

 

Smackie can be a little direct, but she always hits the nail on the head.

 

Thing is, people assume this is acceptable and are upset when called out for following unspoken dating rules. Women are less direct and more non confrontational than guys so they often are not clear to men.

 

The one stand up I had from OLD had me taking a train down to the city (an hour) for a no show. She later responded texted me saying I didn't reach out that morning (I did confirm a day and a half before) blaming me. Then changed her story saying she forgot about the date (in less than two days???) and asked if she could call me later.

 

My response was "It would have been nice to let me know" then I blocked her.

 

No anger, no butt hurt. She lost her chance. Glad it didn't cost me drinks or food to find out what kind of person she was.

[Highndry]

I've never in my life been stood up, so I can only imagine the feeling, but I think I'd be fairly annoyed. I just don't see why it's so difficult, especially when he texted beforehand, to say "I can't make it" or whatever. There's just no excuse for completely ignoring somebody you've been talking to on the phone. I believe in honesty, integrity, decorum - you know, that old-fashioned stuff (it would appear after reading around here for a while).

[Space Ritual]

However, I have a philosophy of never burning bridges.

 

I wish I had that Philosophy. I am a notorious Bridge Arsonist. Free Standing structures are a Bic Lighter waiting to happen with me...LOL

[jjgitties]

I don't think its reasonable and fair that she said never message me again and blocked me over what I wrote.

 

Well, you may not think so but it sounds like she does. I get the impression she is the type that just likes to take things lightly and does not like to deal with drama.

 

Don't forget, you didn't ever meet her in person yet, and you already started sending angry emojis. Usually not a good sign that a date will go well.

[act00]

From the other side .....

 

I lost count of the number of guys I met who said that they would ring me and fix another date, often even choosing a specific day - then zilch.

 

I think I've told the story of 3 guys who all said they wanted to take me out on a Sat and I thought that surely to goodness one would materalize ( and I even bought a new dress and booked a hair appointment )

Result - zilch/da nada/radio silence.

 

So I kept a dignified silence and moved on. I was as mad as your hat but I wasn't going to give then the satisfaction of knowing that

 

If guys hadn't confirmed a Saturday date by Thurs I assumed it wasn't happening.

 

So what was your plan of action had all three, or even two, had come through on this invitation? I can imagine the anxiety around this, as it sounds like no solid plans were made at all prior, and surely you were hoping for one more than the others as a priority, and if he came through late...? Why yes, I have been in this conundrum...same results.

 

No meet, no text. I think it's best to get that first meet out of the way pretty quickly. I've been locked up with perpetual texters, and it's a waste of time.

 

I agree with the "burning bridges" theory, however, in that if you wanted to go ahead and put in the texting time and see what happens, not showing empathy with her grandparent situation (that I'm sure was an exaggeration, if not lie) did not go over well. Showing some empathy would keep your foot in the door....and your foot would likely stay wedged in the door with no progress...but you kept the option open.

 

She was quick to block...she liked the attention and the texting and the fantasy, but you (and maybe no one) weren't going to get her out on a date. I'm guessing she likes the idea of dating and the happily ever after, but then gets cold feet because it really can be frightening at the same time. There's a frequent poster here who is forever back and forth and will bail at the last minute with being "sick" or having to "leave town for work." You pushed her and called her out...she blocked...done and done.

 

The best course I think would be to solidify a time and place. None of this "let's talk about Saturday." No. Set time. Set place. If she hem-haws, let her go. If she agrees and bails, she bails. You get one more try to reschedule or one more ask. If she doesn't offer the reschedule, don't plan on your pursuing one more date to happen. Don't expect it if she reschedules, either, but if she takes some initiative and remorse, it says a lot. Second bail, no need to contact her again. Let her reach out to you. You decide if you want to keep that foot wedged in the door and see where it goes. Don't obsess over her if you do.

 

Maybe you have to go through this a couple times before you realize what a waste of time it is. Don't invest too much to a texting relationship (even phone) until you meet in person. Set up a timeline that fits your personal comfort zone...one week, two weeks, three...no meet, no text.

[salparadise]

I get the impression she is the type that just likes to take things lightly and does not like to deal with drama.

 

I think she’s a flake and thrives on drama. The mistake OP made was validating her entitlement mentality by showing that it bothered him, then allowing her to get the last word and block him. OP, in the future don’t give them an opportunity to stomp on your dignity.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wish I had that Philosophy. I am a notorious Bridge Arsonist. Free Standing structures are a Bic Lighter waiting to happen with me...LOL

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[One Hope One Quest]

Thanks a lot for the replies people

 

Most of them were really good advice

 

Yeah I shouldn't of put the angry emoji but its no biggie.. at that point I was just giving her a chance to see if she was a decent person and I was half expecting her to ignore that message too.

 

Person who said to to just have simply put a '?' is right thats all an idiot like that is worth.

 

A few of the responses were poor/harsh though.The one which said I should have said sorry to hear about her pain. Haha no chance. Not when theres a good chance that was a lie.

 

Funny how people can seem nice and then change like that real quick.. like people have said though I didn't know her. Playing the self righteous victim act when she was in the wrong lol unbelievable. Glad I never met her.

Edited January 22, 2018 by One Hope One Quest