Some issues with step kids

[viatori patuit]

Greetings.

 

I have posted on this subject off and on yet I find myself in need of some more advice.

 

I married a woman who had two small kids (3 and 7 now). The dad is still in their life, but he lives in another state. He visits maybe five times a year. He pays nearly zero in child support ($600 a month).

 

Now the issue is this:

 

Mom wants me to be the dad for these two kids. While I adore the kids and love them I am simply not their father. I respect the dads place in their life and won’t do anything to change that. I have to repeatedly remind mom that they are not my kids. This is a very sticky issue as every time I do it upsets her greatly.

 

She reacts poorly to this approach.

 

Am I correct? Any tips for handling this situation?

[Happy Lemming]

A friend of mine was in this situation...

 

He has the kids call him O.D. which stood for Other Dad.

 

The kids slur it and it sounds like OhDee. They knew that my friend was not their true father, but they could still come to him in times of need.

 

Do you think that would satisfy your wife??

[RecentChange]

That's a sticky situation.

 

5 times a year doesn't make it sound like he is much of a father figure or really involved in their lives in anyway.

 

I am a bit surprised that this wasn't hashed out more before you married (if the youngest is now 3, how long have you and your wife been together?)

 

Would you be open to being their dad?

 

My dad (bio dad) adopted my (bio) half brother and sister when they were 6 and 7 (a few years before I was born - my parents first year of marriage).

 

Their bio dad showed up occasionally... Usually to just break their hearts a bit by his absence and then he would ride off in the sunset again.

 

Any way - it was a WONDERFUL thing for them to be adopted. They now had a real dad, a full time dad who loved and cared for them on a daily basis.

 

They are in their 40's now and of course he is still dad. And now he is also a beloved Grandpa to their children (my brothers two boys carry his last name).

 

It's was a great thing for my family, and their bio dad gave up his rights (and responsibilities) willingly - he was never acting as their parent anyway.

[viatori patuit]

We have been together for two years and two months. We were married about two months ago.

 

We did talk about this and the kids do call me dad on their own. I just don’t want them calling me by my first name as the five did when we started dating. I am totally a father figure for them and I am great with that.

 

The issue always comes up when he visits. He will next week for the oldests birthday. She wants to move his visitation back from 4:30 pm that evening. I am not comfortable with that. He has a right. Also, this type of behavior leads to escalation. In short it makes my life difficult. I guess both situations do anyway.

 

I don’t even know if I should interject myself in this. She asks all the time though about similar types of situations.

[RecentChange]

Waaaaait

 

I take all of that back!!! (Just saw your thread history)

 

This is your 4th marriage? And the two of you broke up less than a year ago? But I guess got back together and got hitched?

 

I have reason to believe that you won't be closely involved in these children's life 40 years from now, so throw away any adoption advice.

 

Tell Mom you aren't the dad, and stick to it. Nothing worse than a kid getting emotionally attached to new dad, only to be abandoned again.

 

(My poor brother and sister went by through a handful of dads before "our dad" entered their lives. He as dad #4 (mom married and divorced that many times). And my folks divorced, but he was still dad. And my mom re-married but he was still dad, and she divorced again, but of course he was still dad.

 

I think marriage should be till death do us part... But obviously it doesn't always turn out that way. But dad?! Dad should be forever. Don't offer it if you can't be that.

[viatori patuit]

Um....

 

Third marriage. The first ended because she cheated. Packed up and left. I literally never saw her again.

 

The second (10 years) ended because we grew apart. Yes, I ended it. There were a multitude of reasons that I won’t go into

 

 

The adoption is not an option. Dad wouldn’t allow it and I think he would have to agree. He left when mom was 13 weeks pregnant.

 

If this going to be forever (and I want that) I need to find a way to deal with mom. The kids are fine and there is no issue with them.

 

Wow, Loveshack can sure be harsh sometimes.

[RecentChange]

Yeah sorry, I can certainly be harsh and very direct.

 

But the threads you have posted do not scream long term stability. Sorry. Just a few months ago you were posting how you two had broken up, and now you are 2 months into your 3rd marriage (which statistically have a less than 25% success rate).

[viatori patuit]

Fair point.

 

Mom can be quite emotional. She can be very volitile when she gets upset. She often lashes out when upset and says things she may not mean. We did discuss that and to some extent that has abated.

 

I am not innocent by any means. I am more level headed though. I don’t get anywhere near as emotional. That is the point of the thread - I am looking for other things I can do to try and work through the situation. I had never experienced something quite so abrupt as her style of conflict management. I simply looked for ways to deal with it without allowing the emotion tonsrive my behavior. Once I understood what I was up against it was not that difficult to find a way to manage it.

 

I wouldn’t describe your approach as direct so much as presumptuous. I suggest asking for more information in the future. Just because the general odds say one thing doesn’t mean they automatically apply in every situation.

 

My question still holds though - am I correct in honoring the real fathers place? No matter why I will be a fixture in the kids lives. To them I am dad. And I am fine with it.

[sandylee1]

It sounds like she wants to squeeze their dad out... that's not good for the children.

 

You need to stick to your stance of being a stepdad and you are not replacing their father.

 

What she wants isn't good for the kids and if you are 'dad' and subsequently split up... you have no rights over them... as it should be.

 

So I believe they should always know they have one dad. I must say I'd be upset if my kids called anyone else mom. I'm wondering how he feels about it.

 

Don't let your wife start changing plans for the birthday... that's not good.

[Lowrider93]

Married 12 yrs ago,divorced for 2 yrs now.

My ex had an 8 year old daughter, very troubled

and defiant and entitled child.

I knew early on that my parental role would be

very limited due to the fact that she disrespected

her mother all the time, sometimes I had to step

in when it became more than I could take.

 

My ex was not interested in being a parent as in setting boundaries

or any kind of discipline whatsoever, she herself had created

a monster. Her conduct even created legal issues for herself.

 

When my ex and I split she accused me of not being a good

father, even thou I gave her more structure than she or her

Disneyland father did.

So the day she said she wanted a divorce I asked her if she

married me because she wanted a husband or a father for her

child, she said both.

The next day I questioned her about her comment and told her

she could have said that she did it because she loved me,

her reply was that she was being hopeful.

 

She never really loved me, she was just looking for a daddy

for her child. F her.

[basil67]

You wrote about your problems with her kids recently http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/646469-step-kids-discipline

 

Thing is, you're repeatedly reminding her that they are not your kids. But by the same token, you complain about them to her. Either get involved or back right away and keep your opinions to yourself. But this no-mans land of disapproving of her parenting while not getting involved yourself is not going to work.

[viatori patuit]

You wrote about your problems with her kids recently http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/646469-step-kids-discipline

 

Thing is, you're repeatedly reminding her that they are not your kids. But by the same token, you complain about them to her. Either get involved or back right away and keep your opinions to yourself. But this no-mans land of disapproving of her parenting while not getting involved yourself is not going to work.

 

Yes, I have thought about that thread a great deal. I have stepped out of discipline Mostly. I read the advice in that thread and after some thought agreed. They are not my kids. I can assist, but the real parents need to to set those boundaries.

 

Now I only enforce things when they break my rules. Things like keeping them out of my office.

 

I am sure she would like to squeeze dad out. She has said so. This stuff worries me a bit it seems unhealthy to me.

 

But I am clueless about kids. I could be dead wrong and not know it. Tht is why I like this place. There are a lot of replies that I think miss the mark, but there are always a few that get me to thinking.

[dichotomy]

I am a step dad and later a biodad.

 

My stepkids dad lived in another state, and he saw them (we sent them to him) maybe 2-5 times a year. He paid nothing at first (zero support) and then for a long while just 70 bucks a week (and I had to hire a lawyer to get that). We had many tearful battles with him and issues with the kids.

 

Everyone is different... but you should have discussed this (being a dad) long before getting married to her and agreed on approach. I mean you must have dated and dated with them in tow. On our 5th date the kids started joining us every now and then for group dates (kids movies, park). If I had no connection to them - no love for them - I would not have married their mom - it was kind of a package deal. We all needed to feel a bond.

 

From my perspective - it was clear my Stepkids did not have much of a "dad" and I was happy to be a dad to them. They were going to live with me in my home 90% of the time. They were also young and needed a dad figure - or at least a big brother figure. I did try to rely on my wife to administer discipline - and I just tried to be the fun dad/big brother type. I rarely called them anything but "my kids" in public or at the schools, or with neighbors. Many of my kids friends - did not understand I was not their real dad for a long while. I was at every event when they were growing up.

 

No doubt it was beyond tough (and my wife also had other issues I speak about here on loveshack) - but raising kids is hard and they give you issues no matter whether they are your biological or step. I do feel some hurt that they maintain a special love and connection for their biological father - when I raised them - but what are you going to do?

 

While I consider my biological kids (after we married) easier to deal with and understand - there was no guarantee that my own bio kids could not have ended up being more troublesome then my step kids. Kids are like a box of chocolates - ya never know what your going to get. My sisters own kids - whoa boy - would not have wanted some of them

Edited January 20, 2018 by dichotomy

[viatori patuit]

 

Everyone is different... but you should have discussed this (being a dad) long before getting married to her and agreed on approach. I mean you must have dated and dated with them in tow. On our 5th date the kids started joining us every now and then for group dates (kids movies, park). If I had no connection to them - no love for them - I would not have married their mom - it was kind of a package deal. We all needed to feel a bond.

 

It’s funny how this comes up so often. Do people honestly think we got married without discussing it? Sort of throw it to the wind and see what happens?

 

The discussions happened of course. We agreed that I would serve as their predominant father figure and we wouldn’t interfere with the biological dad. Then their relationship soured. Now it’s different.

[road]

Too many different threads has all of the necessary

background information to know what the whole story

is. Another example of when not to start new threads.

 

Whatever your issues are about being a dad to these

kids has not been explained.

 

It is apparent that you got married and did not have

an agreement between you and your wife on how to

be a dad to these kids.

 

You need to sit down with the wife and reach an

agreement.

 

Reaching an agreement is not you saying I will only

do this. It is about trying to reach a compromise.

 

You are not the bio dad. Though you are the Dad of the

house, family. In other words the adult male role model.

Filling that role requires that a man must do things.

And many things he may not want to do be he has to

man up and get'em done.

 

Or relinquish the role and leave the family. Either all in

as the step dad or all out. There is no being half pregnant

here.

[dichotomy]

It’s funny how this comes up so often. Do people honestly think we got married without discussing it? Sort of throw it to the wind and see what happens?

 

The discussions happened of course. We agreed that I would serve as their predominant father figure and we wouldn’t interfere with the biological dad. Then their relationship soured. Now it’s different.

 

 

and it will be different again - over the course of their lives and your family.

 

We had years where Stepkids barely spoke to their dad (and his wife) and we were THE parents - and times where we (both their mom and I) felt they picked their dad and wife over us and we got crap. Up and down - round and round - sour, sweet, sour.

[viatori patuit]

 

My question still holds though - am I correct in honoring the real fathers place? No matter why I will be a fixture in the kids lives. To them I am dad. And I am fine with it.

 

 

Here is the question I had. The problem is not the kids. The potential issue is how mom treats the biological father.

[road]

Here is the question I had. The problem is not the kids. The potential issue is how mom treats the biological father.

 

This is where the title of your thread should come from.

 

So what is wrong with the way she is treating the Bio D?

[viatori patuit]

I had a more verbose title but something in it got kicked out as obscene. I don't remember what it was but the site helpfully changed it to this. I wasn't paying attention and poof you got the title.

 

My bad really. I noticed all this only after the post.

 

The biological mom is not respecting the biological fathers rights. She sets plans with him, but will change them if she feels it's warranted.

 

I am not sure if this behavior should be concerning to me. I am concerned, but I don't want to say anything if I am in the wrong.

 

I have zero experience dealing with these types of interactions.

[road]

I had a more verbose title but something in it got kicked out as obscene. I don't remember what it was but the site helpfully changed it to this. I wasn't paying attention and poof you got the title.

 

My bad really. I noticed all this only after the post.

 

The biological mom is not respecting the biological fathers rights. She sets plans with him, but will change them if she feels it's warranted.

 

I am not sure if this behavior should be concerning to me. I am concerned, but I don't want to say anything if I am in the wrong.

 

I have zero experience dealing with these types of interactions.

 

In those situations MYOB.

[viatori patuit]

When does this become my issue?

 

She wants me to move things around in my schedule to allow for the curtailing.

 

I can totally see where I should be quiet about this (hence the thread) but I am not interested in supporting this. I think she is wrong for curtailing his visits and that enabling this is only going to lead to bad things.

 

I would prefer to hold firm and not adjust things. I know if I was a dad I would be livid with this behavior.

[ClearerSkies]

As someone who was a child to a step-dad, who also had a father that was rarely in the picture, I hope I can give a different perspective for you on this. Whether or not you want it, you're now a father figure. You're the one that's there the majority of the time, it's you they will grow up depending on, it's you who will have the bigger influence and not the actual birth father. While you don't need to give in and adopt the children (clearly you are not wanting that and that is okay), you should probably step up and accept that you are in a father figure role now. It's up to you to help your wife discipline the children, take care of their needs, be there for them, etc. It's good to stand firm on not letting your wife push the birth father out of the picture, it's healthy for the children to keep that connection (as long as it is safe and no drugs, alcohol, abuse are present).

 

You married a woman that has the majority of custody of young children, did you really not expect you would have to be a father figure?

[seren]

My son was 4 years old when me and his biological father got divorced. I met my now husband (married 30 yrs) and waited over a year before introducing him to my son. My son's biological father would visit now and again, he saw my son maybe twice a year, often not turning up for visits. My son was heartbroken when he didn't show up and would take weeks and weeks to not be upset by it all. My ex then met a lovely woman who had a 6 year old daughter, he went to step parenting classes while neglecting to see his son.

 

He never paid any money, despite having a well paid job, he rang my son one weekend to tell him he was at Heathrow and going to the States, to live. My son was heartbroken al over again. He called my husband by his name for a while, the day we got married he called him Dad and has done ever since. They have a great relationship, the ex hasn't been in touch since he moved, except for a meeting arranged by my son's cousin where his father happened to be there. It was a disaster.

 

All the time he was popping in every now and again was a huge upheaval for my boy, he would think he had done something wrong and TBH although I wanted his father to have contact I couldn't force him to and frankly, he didn't deserve to be called a father. I hid my thoughts from my boy, but privately I was glad he was out of the picture when I could see he wasn't committed, this to stop my son being so hurt.

 

fast forward 28 years and my ex was in the same city as my son, by now he had a son by his now wife, my son found out on Facebook where my ex said he had two children, his step daughter and his son, forgetting my son completely. despite him being an adult, it still hurts him, he met his father and had nothing in common with him, he says he doesn't need a Dad, he has one, my husband.

 

The point of this sharing is that while the ex husband and biological father should be encouraged to be a part of the children's lives, popping up every now and again isn't doing that, it is a token visit and not what being a Father should be. You, to all extent and purpose are their Dad, you are there at the end of each day and it is you who will be their role model. if their father was stepping up then of course he would and should have more say, but he isn't. I always disciplined our son, when boys get to teenage years and are denied something they can be very hurtful, just once our boy said, you aren't my father, it broke my husband's heart. Now, they are so, so close. My exes loss.

 

If you are willing and going to be a good Dad, let them call you what they choose. Children give love and trust to those they love and trust, to be called Dad by choice is a huge privilege and responsibility, but I am sure you know that.

[Sunlight72]

When does this become my issue?

 

She wants me to move things around in my schedule to allow for the curtailing.

 

I can totally see where I should be quiet about this (hence the thread) but I am not interested in supporting this. I think she is wrong for curtailing his visits and that enabling this is only going to lead to bad things.

 

I would prefer to hold firm and not adjust things. I know if I was a dad I would be livid with this behavior.

I very strongly agree with you. You are right. It's not gray.

 

I suggest you tell her this clearly - but! do so in a place, and at a time that you are able to listen, and she is able to respond with her own feelings. Don't be her parent - that is, you don't start setting rules for her behavior. You set the rules (they're called boundaries when they apply to yourself) for your own actions. You tell her that no, you will not purposely do things to make it difficult for the kids' biodad to see them, in any way, and you won't let yourself be used as an excuse to make it difficult for him.

 

Stay calm, and listen, and stay calm, and repeat that if needed. I don't think you need to justify it, just repeat it if needed. Don't get drawn into an argument over it. Be calm and clear on that, and listen and sympathize with her where you can.

 

I also agree very strongly with some other posts that you need to consider yourself their father. Please don't be uncomfortable that they want to call you Dad (sounds like you aren't) - you didn't push them to call you Dad, it's their choice. That is beautiful, and something to be cherished. I would suggest not correcting them when they call you Dad.

 

I think legally adopting them at this point is not realistic nor worth the drama, but suggest that you and your wife, and both your families make a ceremony very soon! Within two or three weeks. Since you just recently married, you have a great opportunity to set the frame for your relationship with your step kids.

 

It would be simple and short, a second wedding ceremony with your wife, except this time have a family member or friend take the place of the pastor, and instead of "do you take this woman to be your wife", have them say, "do you take this woman and these children to be your family". And have them ask your wife and her children, "do you take this man to be your family". Do you think that would work for you wife (in place of adoption?).

 

This is all predicated on the idea that you intend to be their father forever, which you stated, and I take you at your word.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Sunlight72

[Cullenbohannon]

As a "biodad" I find the term insulting. No way in hell would another man be permitted to be called dad or father to my child. This father is not absent nor a deadbeat. Minimizing his $600 monthly contribution is tad disrespectful.

 

The battle is with the mom and her X. Dont start one with the X and you. If the father is opposed to it, you must stand down. It is his right and neither divorce nor a spiteful X can change that. You can not seek peace and war at the same time.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Cullenbohannon