Going to try for separation again.

[amelia0607]

Been married 37 years and have two grown children. My husband and I have had a very rocky marriage the entire time. He has OCPD with an eating disorder and I'm just tired of us living two separate lives under one roof. I had decided to leave a couple of years ago but while I was trying to make the arrangements to do so, my mom passed away. This woman was my rock. Shortly before she passed away my brother's wife also passed away. My brother has severe paranoia issues and is of low IQ. So I put my plans on hold to handle keeping him on track mentally, handling the estates of my SIL and my mom, etc. Just now beginning to see the light at the end of estate tunnels. During this time, my husband made a few changes in the way he speaks to me - a bit more kind but we still do not have any common interests other than our grandchildren. His OCPD makes him controlling in many areas and I'm just tired of giving in on things that are important to me. Such as:

 

I love animals and want an indoor cat/dog - he doesn't 'allow' them in the house.

He is completely obsessed with hunting/fishing/guns, etc. - Has over 20 guns in this house. Broke his pelvis in a motorcycle accident this winter and still can't ride in the car for over an hour but he's going duck hunting.

He has an eating disorder of sorts - refuses to eat anything at home unless he caught, shot or grew it himself. Will not go out to eat or do anything I that I want to do such as a day trip bc he might have to eat in a restaurant.

He owns 5 boats - for hunting/fishing - none for pleasure for the family. He owns a 4-wheeler and a bicycle that get my place in the garage despite my having severe arthritis and it hurting terribly to deice my car in the morning. I've never once parked under cover. The other half of the garage houses his prize possession truck - you know the one that's too good to drive. A 93 with less than 50,000 miles on it and I get yelled at if I drive it. He also has another truck that he does drive. All this and yet I can't have a cat!!

When our youngest daughter turned 12 and was too old for afterschool care and not responsible enough to come home by herself, he and I discussed my working part-time. I was concerned bc if I did this I wouldn't have a good retirement plan. He and I agreed that this wouldn't be a problem bc his parents are fairly well-off and I would have half of this inheritance. When his dad died and he inherited his father's estate, he put it all in his name and didn't even bother to tell me that I now have no inheritance. I feel very betrayed.

He has no compassion for living animals. I can understand hunting to keep the deer population down and to provide SOME meat to eat. But he drove up one day and found a stray dog in our yard that resembled one that was reported to be attacking other animals. So he immediately shot the neighbor's dog. I had already been out to investigate the dog and it was scared to death of me. All he would've had to do was say come here boy and he would've known that this was not the dog. Instead of telling our neighbors that he mistakenly shot their dog, he just threw it in the creek behind the house.

Several months ago I told him that I had some concerns about our marriage and asked him to go to counseling with me. He said he would think about it. I've mentioned it to him again and he just got up and walked out of the room. Through the years, I've been to counseling so much that I know unless WE go together my choices are to stay and be miserable or leave. I guess I'm leaning toward leaving. I make around $35,000 a year and have no retirement so my plans of traveling during retirement are going out the window.

So now to get copies of the financial records made and pictures of the possessions so that I do at least get half of what is ours.

My self-esteem is shot. So please be kind with any comments or suggestions that you may have for me. I have no idea how to go about doing this.

Thank you for providing me with a place to vent.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about the family deaths you have endured & wish you well helping your brother.

 

As for your divorce gather up copies of all the important financial documents, including the titles to his boats. You can let him keep them & all the firearms in the divorce, but know the values of those expensive assets.

 

Go see a lawyer & talk about the requirements for a divorce in your area. You probably have to live separate & apart for some time before you can file.

 

Talk to your adult children about what's going on.

 

Get a therapist or get hooked up with a divorce support group. Even the smoothest divorce has emotional consequences. You will need an outlet.

[sandylee1]

He sounds like a nightmare. That incident with the dog was horrible as well.

 

His behaviour is totally selfish and I'd rather be alone than with him tbh.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm sorry you're married to such a jerk . Best wishes for rebuilding your life <3.

[Just a Guy]

Hi amelia, what a terrible nightmarish life you've been living! 37 years is such a long time to put up with such a selfish person. Has he always been like this? What was it that drew you to him in the beginning? What do your kids have to say about him and what is their relationship with him and separately, with you? Can you move in with your father or your brother to be able to save a bit on rent?

 

How old are you and your husband? From all that you've written it seems you've always been submissive to your husband. He seems to get away with whatever he wants and you have not really put up a fight for your rights. I cannot imagine why you allowed h to put both his vehicles in the garage and made you park your car outside in the open. Also, I am surprised that as a man he does not offer to de ice your car knowing you suffer from arthritis. He sounds as if he is almost inhuman. You would be well served to ditch him and live your life on your own. Also make sure you get your fair share of your marital property when you divorce. Others on here will give you good and pertinent advice on how to go about your divorce but divorce you must. There is not a ray of hope in your situation. Wish you the very best.

[amelia0607]

I met him when I was teen. I think I knew all along that this was not the right relationship but my parents seemed to think it was good for me and back then, at least in my family, you did what your parents wanted. They are both gone now but before my mom passed, she was seeing that side of him and while she never said it, I think she wanted me out. I could not ever move in with my brother - he abused me when I was a teen. He was addicted to drugs at the time and I've forgiven him but we are not close nor will we ever be.

 

I tried to talk with him Saturday night about some of these issues and the need for counseling. His response was that he loves me and he has been trying to be better (and he has). He no longer speaks as harsh to me as he once did. Anyway his response to our conversation was to spend the day together at the lake looking at the nesting eagles. We did and we had a good day but it doesn't change the problems.

 

My youngest daughter is her father's biggest defender despite how angry she is with him over the money issue. She sees how much he has changed in recent years - for the better actually and she feels that I should hang in there. Maybe he will continue to change. She's the daughter that lives her and would be the one I would look to for support this and I'm sure it would not be there. I don't think she would support her father either. She would just try to stay out of it and I do understand that.

 

My oldest daughter lives 5 hours away at the moment. Her husband is military and they are scheduled to move 2000 miles away in a few months. They are having marital problems of their own so I wouldn't want to go with them and add more stress. Although, I wouldn't completely rule it out about going with them. I'm positive I could get a job there but the cost of living is much higher than the increase in salary I would receive.

 

I'm not a person to be controlled. I pick my battles and I have fought the whole garage thing for our entire marriage - I just don't win. I don't have keys to the 4-wheelers, boats and stuff he puts in there. So I can't move them. I have broken the rules and brought my cat into the house as he was getting older - drove my husband nuts but the minute I would leave, he would put the cat back outside. Didn't matter that the cat was 19 and in kidney failure and it was 100 degrees outside. So I won't get another one bc I don't want to subject the animal to the lack of compassion it would receive from him.

 

I have no friends left bc they are tired of seeing me like this. So I'm pouring my heart out to strangers on a chat forum. I do appreciate your responses and I listen to them. Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think if you did the research and legal consultation d0nnivain recommended, you'd feel seriously empowered and more optimistic about the future. To me, it's a mistake to involve your adult children for "support" or living quarters, they've got their own lives and associated problems.

 

A lawyer would advise you there are more options - financial and otherwise - than you think. Knowledge is power, never more true than for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Quite honestly, I don't know how you have lived with this man for 37 years. I don't think that I would stay wih him for 37 days.

 

The story about the neighbours dog is very disturbing. Lack of compassion and hurting animals is one of the most common indicators of sociopathic behavior.

 

You have received some good advice here, talk to a lawyer and begin to make your plans. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage.

Edited January 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Lowrider93]

Hi Amelia, thanks for stopping by

You certainly have a right to be happy in your life and

it sounds like you are the giver and your husband is

the taker.

Does your husband realize that if things don't change

you will start making your own plans.

I don't wish to be judgemental about how your husband

lives his life but shooting that dog like that is

downright shameful.

 

Maybe it's time you do what's right for you?

[Happy Lemming]

I'm not going to repeat everything else that has been written...

 

But I do have one question, why does he need 5 boats?? I know men like toys, but isn't one toy at a time, enough??

 

My neighbor has a boat, two travel trailers, several box trailers, multiple dirtbikes and never utilizes any of them. They just sit in the yard, doing nothing.

 

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Happy, why don't you borrow your neighbour's dirt bikes or his trailers once in a while and go have fun? You'd be doing him a favour by keeping them serviceable and have some free fun yourself. I'm sure he wouldn't be a dog in the manger and not lend them to you. I guess I'm just making light of a curious situation. Some folks just like to collect things because they can.

 

Amelia, folks on here have given you some sterling advice about your situation. From all that you have written I am still convinced that you are submissive by nature and 37 years of putting up with your husband's bullying has left you bereft of any emotional and mental resoluteness in dealing with unpleasant matters head on. However, for the sake of your own mental well being you have to tighten your belt and just move out of this toxic situation. To me it seems that you have gone along with what others thought you should do and how you should conduct yourself. You have never really been your own person and everyone has taken advantage of you because of that. It's time you struck out on your own. Warm wishes.

[standtall]

Wow...your spouse has some major narcissistic and other physiological issues and sounds extremely dangerous. The dog incident is extremely disturbing. I'm not sure he can be helped enough to make him a suitable spouse.

 

 

Do not separate, divorce....and run.

[Happy Lemming]

Hi Happy, why don't you borrow your neighbour's dirt bikes or his trailers once in a while and go have fun?

 

Because I don't like him and he doesn't like me... Moreover, I doubt the dirt bikes run and I don't trust the tires on the trailers. After sitting so long, I'm sure they are dry rotted.

 

He had a dead 4 X 4 "mud truck" in the yard, but I think he gave up on that and it went away.

 

I know I'm getting off track with my original question, but I thought there might be a "Why", because I just don't understand having all these multiple toys.

 

For the OP, 5 boats just seems overly selfish, in my opinion.

[MidlifeMama]

My God,

I don't even know what to say. HUGS!! I left an abusive relationship in my early 20's. It was very difficult but it is possible. It is! Seek legal counsel. Get all paperwork together necessary. Deeds, mortgage info, take pictures of all of his assets. Not sure where you live but having been married this long, you are likely entitled to half. You will also be entitled to half of his social security. So retirement may not be as doom and gloom as you think.

 

Look into a support group. Tell someone you trust what is really going on in your home. He may be someone who retaliates in violent ways. I hope not. I hope you remain safe. File quickly and leave the home to a safe place while in the process of divorce, if you are able to. Go live your life with cats and dogs and peace.

 

There is no need to get anyone's approval to leave this type of man, no even your kids. PLEASE take care of yourself and know that it is o.k. to go to do you now!! Best of luck!

[amelia0607]

5 boats? well, he bought one when our children were little and he 'needed' a bigger one for us to go fishing as a family. He still has that one but never uses it bc it's too big now since it's just him going fishing so he had to buy a smaller fishing boat. He wouldn't sell the bigger one bc he's expecting to take our granddaughter fishing and will want the bigger one. So two for fishing. Then he needed a different type of boat for duck hunting. He loaned one of his buddies some money and the boat was collateral. The buddy is now a drug addict and he did sign the title over to my husband. The fifth boat is a canoe that a co-worker gave to him for us to use in our farm pond. We've probably had it 15 years and its never once been in the pond.

I think some of this comes with the OCPD that he has. Some of them have hoarder/collector tendencies as part of the obsession part of the mental illness.

[amelia0607]

Not sure what happened but all of that reply didn't post. He also has two tractors, two riding lawn mowers, a four wheeler, an Italian mountain bike, three air compressors and I have no idea how many guns. He had two motorcycles until about 7 weeks ago when a sheriff's deputy caused an accident and totaled it. The other one is an antique that he took in exchange for past due rent on a rental house that his mom owned. He wanted a project to restore with our son-in-law but it's been in his mom's basement for over 20 years. His mom is just like him - Her basement is a maze of things that she has brought home from her rental property when people moved out. Vacuums that don't run, broken chairs, tables, couches. One of our daughters is in psychiatry and she has told me that both he and his mom are OCPD. Learning about this mental illness has helped me to understand and learn how to work with him through the years. He no longer yells or curses over things. He is able to at least listen when i attempt to talk to him - he just doesn't take things to heart. I can't tell you how many times I've had to discuss divorce with him. When I get to that point, he listens and usually makes the concession I need to stay. I'm just tired of getting pushed to that point to be heard.

[Happy Lemming]

Amelia...

 

Thanks for the explanation, but all I can say is "WOW", that is a lot. I imagine some of it will have to be sold or auctioned off.

 

I remember when my Dad had too much stuff, I went over and we talked and sorted and sent a whole bunch of stuff to auction. In the end, he just needed some help clearing and cleaning. He is happier for the process.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck.

[amelia0607]

Amelia...

 

Thanks for the explanation, but all I can say is "WOW", that is a lot. I imagine some of it will have to be sold or auctioned off.

 

I remember when my Dad had too much stuff, I went over and we talked and sorted and sent a whole bunch of stuff to auction. In the end, he just needed some help clearing and cleaning. He is happier for the process.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck.

 

 

No, he won't have to sell any of this. HE has the money from what he promised me for my retirement so he will be able to just pay me and won't bat an eye at that. He will not sell his precious toys even if he doesn't play with them.

 

 

I have accumulated some of my mom's things and am having difficulty letting go of those things but I'm beginning and I can assure you they are not valuable items or take up much space.

 

 

I'm still struggling with emotionally letting go of her house but I have an offer on the table and am in the process of responding to the items in need of repair from the inspection. That is breaking my heart but I know once its done, a huge weight will be gone. I'm just tired.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amelia, have you visualized your life after separation and divorce from your husband? Doing that will help you to start working on the separation. I wanted to ask you as yo why you are selling your mother's house? Wouldn't it be suitable for you to move into so that you do not have to invest in a new home? Wouldn't that be a cheaper option than buying a new house/ apartment? If you want to separate you have to start working on it like yesterday. Wish you the best.

[amelia0607]

My mom's house is more than I can afford. The proceeds of this will be split three ways with me only receiving 1/3. It also needs a lot of repairs that I just am not in the mindset to deal with at the moment. I have tried to visualize my life after separation and divorce and it looks very, very lonely. I have no friends. He get several phone calls every day and I never get any. He goes hunting with his friends but I have no one to do anything with. That's another thing that has kept me from leaving - I've never been alone. Living along wouldn't bother me if I had friends but since I don't, I just think my depression would completely take over.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amelia, sorry to know that you are feeling low. Do you go to church? If so I am sure there will be church groups which you can join and make friends with the lady members there. Otherwise there may be folks at your local YWCA whom you can meet up with and interact on a social basis. It seems to me that you have accepted a subordinate position for so long in relation to your husband that you have become emotionally deformed and low on self esteem. I do not know what your qualifications are and what kind of employment you have which pays poorly but you can always improve on your qualifications and get more profitable employment. I wonder how old you are? Depending on your age I am sure you could find some niche for yourself where you can do better than you currently are doing.

 

I would suggest that you get yourself some self help books like "You'll see it when you believe it" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and also books on visualization techniques where you start to visualize a better, brighter future for yourself and then let your subconscious mind work on it to materialize it for you. I do not think we are helpless in this world and that it is our lot to suffer unnecessarily. There is another book that will help you and that is titled "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book is a practical one where, if you follow the exercises in it, will help you to emerge as a new and positive version of yourself. Do not give up and wallow in self pity. Determine for your self that you deserve a better quality of life where you are in control of your circumstances and I am sure,, in time this new life will materialize for you. Warm wishes.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Just a Guy

[amelia0607]

Hi Amelia, sorry to know that you are feeling low. Do you go to church? If so I am sure there will be church groups which you can join and make friends with the lady members there. Otherwise there may be folks at your local YWCA whom you can meet up with and interact on a social basis. It seems to me that you have accepted a subordinate position for so long in relation to your husband that you have become emotionally deformed and low on self esteem. I do not know what your qualifications are and what kind of employment you have which pays poorly but you can always improve on your qualifications and get more profitable employment. I wonder how old you are? Depending on your age I am sure you could find some niche for yourself where you can do better than you currently are doing.

 

I would suggest that you get yourself some self help books like "You'll see it when you believe it" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and also books on visualization techniques where you start to visualize a better, brighter future for yourself and then let your subconscious mind work on it to materialize it for you. I do not think we are helpless in this world and that it is our lot to suffer unnecessarily. There is another book that will help you and that is titled "Psycho-Cybernetics" by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. This book is a practical one where, if you follow the exercises in it, will help you to emerge as a new and positive version of yourself. Do not give up and wallow in self pity. Determine for your self that you deserve a better quality of life where you are in control of your circumstances and I am sure,, in time this new life will materialize for you. Warm wishes.

 

 

I am 57 years old and a college professor. Unfortunately, I do not have a PhD.. Combine that with the school has been struggling financially for several years now and the result is very low salary. I love what I do and since there aren't any other colleges in this area, I am going to stick it out here. I can teach online for additional income if necessary.

 

 

I do belong to a church and would love to be a part of the singles group - they are very active and all about my age. I've often thought of asking if I can join since for social outing purposes, I'm 'single' anyway. LOL!!

 

 

Thank you for the book suggestions. I will definitely give them a read.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amelia, as a college professor you are a highly qualified person worth her weight in gold. Have you ever thought of writing a book yourself? Why not try it? Also, do not hesitate to join those other ladies in your church group so that you can participate in social activities with them. It will work wonders for your self esteem and feel good mood. Can you not do a PHd at this stage of your life? Also, can you not apply to colleges in other states where you would get a better remuneration than what you ate getting at present? This would help you move out from your home and away from the toxic atmosphere that exists there. No harm in researching new opportunities. If you have a positive attitude good things will start happening. Warm wishes.

[Xamer]

Sounds rough I was married for 20 years and just left a month ago. It's feels like hell I miss him terrible but know I've made the right decision. He is handling it fine which only adds to the pain. I have 3 children. Only 2 left at home. My marriage became sexless and we grew apart. I was tired of being lonely. You can leave my advice is have your friends and family close. It's not easy. People told me that and I didn't believe them. You will be fine everything is legally half yours. Good luck. Stay strong. And remember you deserve to be happy. Doesn't seem like he gives a **** about your happiness.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amelia, how are you doing? Among the books I recommended for you there is another which I think is tailor made for you. It is titled "Presence. Bringing your Boldest Self to your Biggest Challenges", by Amy Cuddy. She is a professor at Harvard and has also given a TED talk on the subject of her book. I think it will do you tremendous good. I would also recommend it to Midlife and others who are facing crises of their own. Just try it. You can get it on Amazon but I am sure you would find it in your college library. Warm wishes.