My conflict of interest.

[Inflikted]

So, I understand that "dating" is mostly an innate biological tendency, and yada yada yada. But this tends to create a very frustrating conflict of interest for me, because in my mind, I know that dating simply isn't in the cards for me, and that I'm really not cut out for it. Yet, deep down, it's still something I strongly desire.

 

People may ask "Why do you think it's not in the cards for you? Why do you think you're not cut out for it?". Well, many reasons. First and foremost, "meeting people" and establishing relationships have never been something I can accomplish very well to begin with. I'm extremely introverted and reserved, and very socially inept. Not for a lack of trying, mind you; I've always been in situations where I'm around people or dealing with people, and I've tried to learn and become better at being more social, but those concepts just escape me. No matter what, I absolutely cannot "connect" with people. And that's kind of a pivotal first step in dating, being able to meet and connect with someone. Even if I could connect, there's nothing worthwhile there; I don't have a good career (I basically have a bottom of the barrel job that a high school kid could do, living paycheck to paycheck), I don't have any good career prospects on the horizon, I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house, and my hobbies and interests are all things that are super nerdy and not at all attractive to women.

 

Looking to what comes after that, I really do not think I'd be able to be a good partner for someone. Dates would be unpleasant because of my introversion and social ineptitude. I'm not interesting enough to hold someone's attention, nor clever and adventurous enough to come up with activities and things to do together. I'm bad at communication and would mostly choose to appease the other person while quietly stewing in my own frustration. While it wouldn't be deliberate on my part, I believe I would frequently be inconsiderate of a potential partner, mainly because I'm just so used to doing what I want and not having to think about that kind of thing. I have zero experience with physical affection and intimacy, so all of that would be horribly awkward and unpleasant (I don't even mean just sex, but kissing, hugging, and whatever else people do).

 

Is this stuff that can be learned? Eh. Maybe. But realistically, I'm close to turning 30, and to a degree, I am who I am. I don't see myself becoming a radically different person, regardless of what I do.

 

And I know, people here tend to say I sound very depressed or overly negative, but I don't really look at it that way. Am I cynical and pessimistic? Yes. But I generally try to look at myself from a realistic and logical way. I'm not sulking and beating myself up and feeling sorry for myself. I'm just kind of calling myself what I am.

 

Yet, as much as I know that dating is off the table, there's still part of me somewhere deep down that just won't let it go. I don't WANT to think about dating or any of that stuff. I don't want to waste any time preoccupying myself with fantasies of things that aren't meant for me. But as much as I try to distract myself and focus my attention elsewhere, it's always there, sitting the back of my head. What am I supposed to do about that?

[normal person]

Looking to what comes after that, I really do not think I'd be able to be a good partner for someone. Dates would be unpleasant because of my introversion and social ineptitude. I'm not interesting enough to hold someone's attention, nor clever and adventurous enough to come up with activities and things to do together. I'm bad at communication and would mostly choose to appease the other person while quietly stewing in my own frustration. While it wouldn't be deliberate on my part, I believe I would frequently be inconsiderate of a potential partner, mainly because I'm just so used to doing what I want and not having to think about that kind of thing. I have zero experience with physical affection and intimacy, so all of that would be horribly awkward and unpleasant (I don't even mean just sex, but kissing, hugging, and whatever else people do).

 

This sounds less than fun for both of you. Are you sure you would enjoy this? I would suggest that before you do this sort of thing, you should sort the rest of your life out and get to a place where you could do it with at least a small amount of confidence. To do that, you need to have something to hang your hat on or take pride in. If there's currently nothing, you need to step out of your comfort zone and change it. Improve your situation somehow. Go back to school, learn a new skill, anything like that that will advance your situation in life. Then you can at least show some promise. You'll have a much better time dating someone if you can both see that your situation is likely to improve, rather than you being downtrodden and assuring her "this is as good as it will ever get."

 

I say go back to school and learn something practical, that you can earn money for, that you hopefully enjoy as well. Even if you don't love it, I'm sure you'll enjoy the opportunity and change it can afford you.

 

Best of luck.

[Inflikted]

This sounds less than fun for both of you. Are you sure you would enjoy this?

 

Well, that's my point. Logically speaking, I know that dating shouldn't even be in my mind, because I know I would not be a good partner. Yet, deep down, I have the strong desire for love and intimacy and affection. But I don't actively try to date or find that, because I know I can't be that.

 

My conundrum isn't that I want to date and get what I can out of the other person even if that makes them unhappy; rather, my conundrum is that I don't date because I know it would be bad, but there's a part of me deep down that wishes I could have something good with another person, and it won't shut up.

 

I say go back to school and learn something practical, that you can earn money for, that you hopefully enjoy as well. Even if you don't love it, I'm sure you'll enjoy the opportunity and change it can afford you.

 

I would be totally willing to do that if I could come up with something that I feel I could reasonably pursue and hone my skills at and be able to make a living off of. But I really can't think of anything. I never had a "plan B", and for the life of me, I still can't come up with one. And I don't want to go back to school without having a "plan", otherwise I'll waste a bunch of time and money floating around aimlessly.

[guest569]

Hi Inflikted,

 

I was wondering whether you have ever felt that you were able to connect with someone, whether family, friends, pets etc? If so, what led to the connection? If not, what specifically do you think would create a personal connection for you?

 

Do you know why specifically you keep coming back to the thought or fantasy of dating? Where would you like to be in terms of relationships with friends, family or dating? Putting aside the barriers you mentioned.

 

My view is that going from an introvert to a relationship can be very daunting a a bit of a learning curve. But if you really want to, you can achieve a relationship. No one is a perfect partner, especially in early relationships where we are learning to be part of a couple. It’s something you can absolutely learn. Probably a learn as you go. That is how it has been on my experience having started dating at 25. I’m now 30 and have learned so much and am far less worried about the types of concerns that you mentioned in your post, concerns that I had also. But I am still learning a lot and will always, we are all learning.. Dating and all it entails did not come naturally for me and I had a lot of anxiety but overcome it just by going with it and taking things slowly.

[normal person]

I would be totally willing to do that if I could come up with something that I feel I could reasonably pursue and hone my skills at and be able to make a living off of. But I really can't think of anything. I never had a "plan B", and for the life of me, I still can't come up with one.

 

Try harder. Even people who are of below average intelligence manage to go to college, graduate, and get jobs. You've shown you're capable of stringing some sentences and coherent thoughts together without any noticeably grammatical or syntactical errors, you should be more than able to get into a state college, at least. The bar isn't that high. Look through a course catalog at the state university, pick your program, and go for it. Don't waste time or make excuses, do it now. You're getting older. It's now or never.

 

Best of luck.

[Els]

You're overthinking things again, IMO. Lots of us introverted types think or wonder about the same things when we have zero experience. I know I did. We carry on with life, work on our careers, do things that interest us, meet people there, GET experience - and our perspective changes.

 

There is no way to theorize yourself through this. Either DO something about it, or don't.

[Inflikted]

I was wondering whether you have ever felt that you were able to connect with someone, whether family, friends, pets etc? If so, what led to the connection? If not, what specifically do you think would create a personal connection for you?

 

I dunno, not really, I guess? I always feel like I'm just a perpetual acquaintance, "that guy I work with/ go to school with/ interact with only at this specific activity".

 

I mean, there was an instance several years ago where I really thought I was connecting with this girl I worked with. We got along really well, and seemed like we were very in sync, and for me, it actually felt so natural to be able to loosen up and be myself around her. It just felt... "right", for lack of a better word. Naturally, I developed feelings and pursued her, but it turns out, she wasn't actually into me. I had a lot of trouble dealing with the rejection, and in the end, I ended up creating a lot of awkwardness and making things uncomfortable, and she pretty much grew to hate me and want nothing to do with me.

 

So, I THOUGHT I was connecting with someone, but as it turns out, I was wrong. Beyond that, I've really never felt like I connected with anyone.

 

Do you know why specifically you keep coming back to the thought or fantasy of dating? Where would you like to be in terms of relationships with friends, family or dating? Putting aside the barriers you mentioned.

 

I mean, when I was a lot younger, my life goals were pretty simplistic and plain. I wanted a satisfying career, I wanted some level of a social life, and I wanted to "fall in love" and settle down with someone. But, the older and less naive I got, the more I started seeing how those social aspects didn't really fit into my life. Somewhere deep down, I still yearn for them. It's especially difficult, because I'm constantly around people, due to work or whatever, so I constantly see people that have so much more going on in their lives than I do. People who are married, or in relationships, people who have good friends, people who have some calling to put their energy into. It's hard to not still have that itch when all that stuff is constantly around me, almost "taunting" me.

 

Try harder. Even people who are of below average intelligence manage to go to college, graduate, and get jobs. You've shown you're capable of stringing some sentences and coherent thoughts together without any noticeably grammatical or syntactical errors, you should be more than able to get into a state college, at least. The bar isn't that high. Look through a course catalog at the state university, pick your program, and go for it. Don't waste time or make excuses, do it now. You're getting older. It's now or never.

 

Best of luck.

 

I mean, I've been doing that, though. I look through degree programs at schools, I look through local job listings, I try to find something that resonates with me, that I feel I could reasonably become decent at and make a living doing, and I just can't find anything. I know my time is running out, I get that; I put a lot of pressure on myself, because I know how dire my situation is. And it frustrates the hell out of me. And I just can't find a way out of it.

 

You're overthinking things again, IMO. Lots of us introverted types think or wonder about the same things when we have zero experience. I know I did. We carry on with life, work on our careers, do things that interest us, meet people there, GET experience - and our perspective changes.

 

There is no way to theorize yourself through this. Either DO something about it, or don't.

 

Is this a case of overthinking, though? As wordy as I might be, what it boils down to is that my conscious mind wants one thing, and my subconscious mind is nagging me about something else.

[ZA Dater]

My advise to you is to think more of yourself. A low opinion of yourself is projected subconsciously to everyone around you and everyone you meet.

 

 

The amazing thing about life is small improvements can make you feel better, you might not have that date but the process of striving to be better can make you feel better and give you more purpose. Think about it this way, you chase an objective and it gives your purpose.

 

 

Like you, away from the professional work/hobby world I don't really connect with people easily, for the most part I simply don't but this isn't the end of the world, find something that makes you happy, life is too short to be unhappy about one aspect of it when life is more than just that one aspect.

 

 

Feel good about yourself, a good example of something small. I have a property portfolio and one of the tenants was having issues with AC, I got someone around, kept her informed and got a really nice thankful e mail back with "you are the best, thank you". I didn't do much but it was a nice compliment to get (I admit she is extremely attractive so some attention was nice).

 

 

Each day you decide how you face that day, you either say 'same old" or "some new" and new can be anything, different lunch, different outfit.

 

 

Yes, you will always want to date, even though at face value it doesn't make logical sense. I think a lot of it down to biology but a lot is also down to wanting things because we want them for no real reason at all.

 

 

Keep yourself motivated, its important for life in general and enjoy the small things.

[DKT3]

Hmm, it's odd you posted this. I was just reading an article about someone very similar to you. This caught my eye

 

My conscious belief was that I wanted to be loved and in a relationship.

 

My subconscious beliefs were extensive and included believing that no one would love or want me, that love hurts, and that I f-ck things up. I was convinced that I turned emotionally available men unavailable. Net result is that I engaged with men and in situations that reaffirmed these beliefs, specifically unavailable relationships where I never really had to truly risk myself and that inevitably caused me to be in pain (my comfort zone). ‘Available’ wasn’t an option for me and I also settled for less because, well, why would somebody who has everything going for them want to go out with someone like me? Also, note that I wanted to be loved – my relationships were about ‘getting’ a feeling that would allow me to feel a certain way where I might like myself. I figured if I had little or no boundaries then I would be loved (and they’d have no reason to choose someone else over me), clearly forgetting that no boundaries also meant the erosion of my self-esteem. Then I’d go out there, put myself in yet another intolerable situation and stick a label on it and call it a relationship. Surely their love should be compensation for all of the pain I put myself though, was my thinking.

 

 

Some of this doesn't seem to apply to you, but the part that seems to (first part) is based in fear of rejection. Number human behavior "protect yourself". It's hard to point out how irrational this fear is to someone who feels it very real. Kinda like convincing my aunt that a house cat won't climb on her chest at night and suck it he air from her lungs. The belief is so ingrained.

 

Ultimately, a woman will enter your life at some point that will make these fears disappear, conversation will flow, there will be enough in common that you won't even have to think about holding her attention.

 

Just move, get out of your own way so you don't miss her.

[normal person]

I mean, I've been doing that, though. I look through degree programs at schools, I look through local job listings, I try to find something that resonates with me, that I feel I could reasonably become decent at and make a living doing, and I just can't find anything.

 

For a lot of people, having a job that resonates with them is a luxury to begin with. At some point (I'd suggest "imminently"), you should weigh your options and see that having a merely tolerable job that affords you opportunities to make you happier in other areas of life is better than whatever you've got going on now. So assess your options, and think which you'd rather have:

 

1). Your current life without the prospect of getting things you still desire, or

2). A different life with a tolerable job that pays the bills enough to instill you with enough confidence and respectability to get those things you desire, like a girlfriend

 

Don't hold your breath waiting for your dream job to drop into your lap. It's likely not to happen. At this point, you should take what you can get and make the most of it. You don't have the time to waste or the clout to demand something better.

 

I know my time is running out, I get that; I put a lot of pressure on myself, because I know how dire my situation is. And it frustrates the hell out of me. And I just can't find a way out of it.

 

Here's the way out: do what's necessary, not what's comfortable.

 

Best of luck.

[preraph]

I have to tell you, you don't seem at all introverted on this forum. You write a lot more than most people. You seem to have plenty to say, so don't know why you think no one would want to talk to you in real life. I think maybe anxiety is more the problem and that can be fixed if you see a doctor.

[RecentChange]

I think as long as you continue to live with, and be codependent with your mentally ill mother who beats into your head that you will never accomplish anything...... you will in fact, not be able to accomplish any goals.

 

Is not that your were born with an inferior brain, or an inferior body, or a bad personality.

 

Your current state, your mind set, is the result of conditioning. Conditioning that needs a lot of undoing.

 

It reminds me of a fascinating sociological / psychological study.

 

There was an orphan child, and for some reason, not due to his capabilities, but due to convenience was placed in a home for the mentally disabled.

 

He was raised around the mentally disabled. He was interacted with as if he was mentally disabled - and he behaved, spoke etc, as if he was mentally disabled.

 

Years went by and he fell through the cracks, and those caring for him didn't realize he was born mentally "normal".

 

It wasn't until a social worker noticed something different about him... and his history was discovered.

 

He was in fact "normal" not mentally deficient at all. And with the help of therapy etc, over a number of years gained the skills to behave, interact, speak etc like a high functioning person.

 

I feel you are like that man. Obviously bright, but told something different, so much so, that you have adopted the traits of someone you are not destine to be biologically - but rather believe that is all you have.

[Inflikted]

Some of this doesn't seem to apply to you, but the part that seems to (first part) is based in fear of rejection. Number human behavior "protect yourself". It's hard to point out how irrational this fear is to someone who feels it very real. Kinda like convincing my aunt that a house cat won't climb on her chest at night and suck it he air from her lungs. The belief is so ingrained.

 

Ultimately, a woman will enter your life at some point that will make these fears disappear, conversation will flow, there will be enough in common that you won't even have to think about holding her attention.

 

Perhaps, but I don't really know that I "fear" rejection. To be honest, I kind of expect rejection and failure, at this point, because that's what basically all of my endeavors result in. If anything, I find it to be a mundane inevitability.

 

Like I described previously, there was a time I thought I'd found someone I could connect with, someone like you described, but I was wrong and it was nothing, and I got too attached after the fact.

 

For a lot of people, having a job that resonates with them is a luxury to begin with. At some point (I'd suggest "imminently"), you should weigh your options and see that having a merely tolerable job that affords you opportunities to make you happier in other areas of life is better than whatever you've got going on now. So assess your options, and think which you'd rather have:

 

1). Your current life without the prospect of getting things you still desire, or

2). A different life with a tolerable job that pays the bills enough to instill you with enough confidence and respectability to get those things you desire, like a girlfriend

 

Don't hold your breath waiting for your dream job to drop into your lap. It's likely not to happen. At this point, you should take what you can get and make the most of it. You don't have the time to waste or the clout to demand something better.

 

I don't expect any "dream job" to fall in front of me. Honestly, I've never really been under the allusion that I'd have a job that I absolutely love, some kind of "dream job". But I do want something that makes me feel dignified, something I feel proud of, something I feel I can reasonably do and make a life doing for a long time. And unfortunately, I just don't feel like there's anything I could really do like that. I feel like the only thing I'm "decent" at is being a bottom of the barrel "robot" that can fulfill simple tasks in the most bottom tier job, and that's about it. And that frustrates me a lot, and bothers me. But no matter how much I try to evaluate things, I just can't find a better path. My life is pretty much half over, and I'm still basically doing the job of someone that just graduated high school.

 

I have to tell you, you don't seem at all introverted on this forum. You write a lot more than most people. You seem to have plenty to say, so don't know why you think no one would want to talk to you in real life. I think maybe anxiety is more the problem and that can be fixed if you see a doctor.

 

Writing anonymously comes a lot easier than connecting with people face to face. This type of thing is really my only outlet to vent, and people here are really the only people I have to listen to me ramble and talk about my problems. Beyond that, I don't really have anything worth saying, and in a face to face scenario, I simply can't connect with another person.

 

I feel you are like that man. Obviously bright, but told something different, so much so, that you have adopted the traits of someone you are not destine to be biologically - but rather believe that is all you have.

 

Possibly. I mean, growing up, like in grade school and high school, there were classmates and staff that seemed to consider me one of the "smarter" ones that would go on to be successful. And when I was younger, and dealing with bullies and stuff, I use to take comfort in those thoughts. Like, "One day, this will all be different, they'll be pumping gas and flipping burgers, and I'll be something great". And... what a disappointment I turned out to be. I'm the one that's at the bottom of the barrel. I was supposed to be smarter, better, I was supposed to become something. And I'm just a disappointment, a failure.

 

As for my mom, yeah, I'm sure my toxic family situation doesn't help matters. But, for all the "bad" that comes with it, there's still some "good". She still does more for me than anyone else seems to be willing to. She's still the only person I can have face-to-face conversations with about certain things. She gives me more time of day than anyone else is willing to. Even if I can't tell her everything, or I can't tell her the exact things I'm going through, I can still get something from her, which is more than I can say for anyone else I interact with in person on a day-to-day basis.

[RecentChange]

As for my mom, yeah, I'm sure my toxic family situation doesn't help matters.

 

I would argue its the source of your issues.

 

 

But, for all the "bad" that comes with it, there's still some "good".

 

And I would again argue that these are not really positive things.

 

She still does more for me than anyone else seems to be willing to.

 

That is because she has stifled and coddled you, so that you can't be independent - she wants you dependent on her. Good parents give their children tools to be independent, and then insist that they do things for themselves. They want their children to be capable - your mother wants to keep you helpless.. and thus needing her.

 

She's still the only person I can have face-to-face conversations with about certain things.

 

Again - you shouldn't be this dependent on your mother at this age. She has hindered your social development. You SHOULD be able to talk to other people.

 

She gives me more time of day than anyone else is willing to.

 

See above, co-dependency, stifled social skills. At your age, your mother shouldn't be the center of your life. That should be filled with friends, romantic interests etc.

 

 

Even if I can't tell her everything, or I can't tell her the exact things I'm going through, I can still get something from her, which is more than I can say for anyone else I interact with in person on a day-to-day basis.

 

This is not a positive - just a symptom of dysfunction.

[normal person]

But I do want something that makes me feel dignified, something I feel proud of,

 

That's fair, but beggars can't be choosers. Dignity and pride in the workplace are also luxuries. If I was you, I'd get real liberal in qualifying the dignity of a job and/or the fruits of it. Working at McDonald's probably doesn't seem too dignified on the surface, but if it allows you to take care of yourself, pay your bills, and change your life for the better while providing a service to people, isn't that a good thing? You could say that about any job that isn't actively making the world a worse place (ex: crime). If you can contribute something positive to a business and/or society, take that and run with it.

 

something I feel I can reasonably do and make a life doing for a long time.

 

That's something to shoot for. But in the meantime, stop wasting what's left of your youth and figure out what you can do. Take an aptitude test. Enroll in some classes, try your hardest, and see if you pass without absolutely hating it. Get a degree. I feel like that's how most people ended up in their jobs. They might not be the happiest, most proud, most fulfilled bunch, but it's better than the alternative, isn't it?

 

 

And unfortunately, I just don't feel like there's anything I could really do like that.

 

You need to start doing things and pushing yourself to do things regardless of how you "feel" about them. Your feelings are irrelevant. You might not "feel" dignified doing X, or "feel" qualified doing Y, but at the end of the day if you can do it and it improves the aspects of your life that you wanted changed, then it's a positive outcome, isn't it? I hate to be the bearer or bad news, but the world, job market, and work force, doesn't care how you feel. The world will keep spinning, and you'll need to keep feeding and sheltering yourself. The position you're capable of filling will get filled by someone who wanted the opportunity more and cared about their feelings less. It's like an illegal Mexican immigrant coming across the border to work in the US. He's happy to get paid a pittance to have a job and sustain his life. He doesn't have the luxury of having an opinion on how dignified it is, or how much he enjoys it. When his hunger and family's wellbeing became more important than his pride, he knew what he needed to do. You aren't there yet, you're too comfy. You aren't desperate and I fear you'll be using "feelings" for some time going forward to keep you from stepping out of your comfort zone and doing the things you need to do to get the things you want. It's too bad, but you're only hurting yourself.

 

You can find some sympathy here, but you need to know that if you hold off on doing necessary things because you don't "feel" 100% positive about them, you won't get the things you want. Accept that life isn't perfect for you, like 99.9999% of people, you have to play the hand you're dealt, like it or not. So maybe it's time to bite the bullet and make some effort to change. It will probably be a tough road, but you even start to feel accomplished or empowered once you start to find some competence and purpose.

 

 

I feel like the only thing I'm "decent" at is being a bottom of the barrel "robot" that can fulfill simple tasks in the most bottom tier job, and that's about it.

 

Why don't you stop "feeling" or assuming you're only capable of those things and make the effort to prove to yourself and others that you're capable of more than that?

 

And that frustrates me a lot, and bothers me. But no matter how much I try to evaluate things, I just can't find a better path.

 

There is a better path in trying to prove your preconceived notions about yourself wrong. It isn't that hard. Why not enroll in some classes at community college? Study hard. Put yourself to the test. If you're not an abject failure, which I don't think you will be because you possess at least some basic writing and comprehension skills, move on to state college. Pick a major you can do that you can don't hate and don't spend 3 years letting your feelings prevent you from making a choice. The time for that has long passed. If you can provide yourself some semblance of hope that the rest of your life will be improved upon, you can get a girlfriend when all's said and done.

 

Take this test and report back with the results: https://www.careerfitter.com/

[Inflikted]

Why don't you stop "feeling" or assuming you're only capable of those things and make the effort to prove to yourself and others that you're capable of more than that?

 

Okay, fine, I won't say I "feel". I'm not good at anything. I offer no value, I have no worthwhile skills, abilities, or knowledge to do anything worthwhile. I have no affinities for anything that could be honest into a viable career via education. I don't "feel" that way. It just "is" that way.

 

Listen, I understand, too, that people have to make due and do what they need to get by. I'm not trying to insult or put down people that have bottom tier jobs. I just... had higher hopes for myself, and having spent a decade being nothing more than a bottom tier retail/ service associate, I'm tired, and I'm beaten down, and I hate myself for only being able to amount to this. I wanted more for myself. I wanted something better for myself.

 

And again, I'm not expecting some grand dream job, I'm not expecting to "love" my job, I'm not expecting to get rich and famous. I want to be "doing" something. Right now, the work I do isn't "doing" anything. I might as well just be an extra, unnecessary cog in a machine that could function fine without me. What am I getting out of that? Sure, a pay check, but barely enough to actually get by. Beyond that, it's nothing.

 

I'm not "doing" anything at my job, I'm not making an actual living, there's nothing whatsoever to make the experience worthwhile. I just come home every night frustrated and bummed out.

 

Like I said, I'm not against returning to school, but I want to have a "plan", so that I don't spend several more years aimlessly taking classes and wasting money. And I don't have a "plan". I have nothing to offer, nor anything to hone.

 

I'll try out your link tomorrow when I have more free time, but I've taken similar tests online, and often they tell me to do customer service, which is what I'm already doing, and what I hate.

[guest569]

Hi Inflikted, thanks for sharing your thoughts on making/lacking connections. Why do you think you were able to connect with that woman but no one else? Was it that you felt relaxed around her, something about her personality? It is hard to gauge interest and terrible to go through a rejection.

 

Career wise, what would make a career satisfying to you? While returning to school could help, I would work on moving up in the ranks in the meantime. You seem very discontent to be at the lower ranks. Do you think you would get more satisfaction if you were higher up in your current industry? Are there any opportunities to progress into supervisory positions? Even if it is just a tiny step up, it can help a great deal to have a change and more responsibility. While imo retail is tedious at times, I was so proud of my entry role and my store, and gained so many skills from it that I didn’t get from school or anywhere else. I would have been stuffed without it. Don’t be too hung up on the low tier thing, make the most of it and climb your way up.

[Inflikted]

Why do you think you were able to connect with that woman but no one else? Was it that you felt relaxed around her, something about her personality?

 

I dunno. It seemed like she and I were very like-minded with the way we perceived things, and the values we held. It just really felt like it fit, like it made sense.

 

Career wise, what would make a career satisfying to you? While returning to school could help, I would work on moving up in the ranks in the meantime. You seem very discontent to be at the lower ranks. Do you think you would get more satisfaction if you were higher up in your current industry?

 

Not at all. I *hate* retail/ service, and if/ when I truly hit rock bottom, I could see myself straight up quitting my job because I want out badly. I have no interest whatsoever in supervisor roles, management roles, or anything like that. I don't want to "manage", I want to "do".

 

As far as satisfaction goes, I want to feel like I'm "doing" something. I want to be care about what I do and the effort I put into it, rather than just feeling indifferent and apathetic. I don't want to sigh as I get ready for work and feel unhappy going into it every single day. I don't want to come home from work every single night wishing I could quit my job.

[normal person]

I'm not "doing" anything at my job, I'm not making an actual living, there's nothing whatsoever to make the experience worthwhile. I just come home every night frustrated and bummed out.

 

Still, having the pride of "doing" something you deem worthwhile is a luxury. There are countless cashiers and customer service people everywhere. It's understood that you might not receive a healthy dose of pride along with your check. But if you have that job, you realize you need it more than your pride. I understand the desire to do something meaningful, and I know this sounds harsh, but you sound spoiled. The world isn't perfect. You should be thankful you at least have a job and aren't starving to death, not complaining that the job you do have doesn't fulfill you enough. There are a billion+ people in the world who would die to have a reliable source of income, regardless of how they felt about it. I'm not saying your concerns are invalid, I'm just suggesting you put them into perspective. You're fed and sheltered. Everything else is a luxury in context.

 

Like I said, I'm not against returning to school, but I want to have a "plan", so that I don't spend several more years aimlessly taking classes and wasting money.

 

So do you have a plan? And if not, do you have a plan to make a plan, and if so, what is it, and if not, what's stopping you from having one, what's the consequence of delaying it further, and are you ok with that alternative?

 

And I don't have a "plan". I have nothing to offer, nor anything to hone.

 

So if you realistically believe this, shouldn't you be happy to have your current job? Wouldn't entering some field in which you didn't feel qualified be akin to, as you described in your first post of the thread, dating someone without being qualified or worthwhile to do so, which would be unpleasant?

 

1). If you actually, truly, believe that you can't fill the position, and there's no other hope for you, aren't you basically just complaining that life isn't fair? If so, then yes, I'm sorry. All I can do is try to put things into perspective to help you feel better. I don't know what else to tell you.

 

2). If this is some kind of false modesty and you deep down believe you actually might have some capabilities, then you need to go explore and refine them now before it's too late. Time and energy from posters here is finite. There's only so many ways of saying "You can do it, Inflikted, we believe in you!" A horse can be lead to water but can't be made to drink. No one here is going to force the water down your throat. At the end of the day, you need to take some progressive action or stop complaining.

 

I'll try out your link tomorrow when I have more free time, but I've taken similar tests online, and often they tell me to do customer service, which is what I'm already doing, and what I hate.

 

So stop complaining and try hard to do something to prove the test wrong, or accept it as your fate. Stop using "feelings" as an excuse not to do things you deem necessary. Feelings are a luxury.

[ZA Dater]

Still, having the pride of "doing" something you deem worthwhile is a luxury. There are countless cashiers and customer service people everywhere. It's understood that you might not receive a healthy dose of pride along with your check. But if you have that job, you realize you need it more than your pride. I understand the desire to do something meaningful, and I know this sounds harsh, but you sound spoiled. The world isn't perfect. You should be thankful you at least have a job and aren't starving to death, not complaining that the job you do have doesn't fulfill you enough. There are a billion+ people in the world who would die to have a reliable source of income, regardless of how they felt about it. I'm not saying your concerns are invalid, I'm just suggesting you put them into perspective. You're fed and sheltered. Everything else is a luxury in context.

 

 

 

So do you have a plan? And if not, do you have a plan to make a plan, and if so, what is it, and if not, what's stopping you from having one, what's the consequence of delaying it further, and are you ok with that alternative?

 

 

 

So if you realistically believe this, shouldn't you be happy to have your current job? Wouldn't entering some field in which you didn't feel qualified be akin to, as you described in your first post of the thread, dating someone without being qualified or worthwhile to do so, which would be unpleasant?

 

1). If you actually, truly, believe that you can't fill the position, and there's no other hope for you, aren't you basically just complaining that life isn't fair? If so, then yes, I'm sorry. All I can do is try to put things into perspective to help you feel better. I don't know what else to tell you.

 

2). If this is some kind of false modesty and you deep down believe you actually might have some capabilities, then you need to go explore and refine them now before it's too late. Time and energy from posters here is finite. There's only so many ways of saying "You can do it, Inflikted, we believe in you!" A horse can be lead to water but can't be made to drink. No one here is going to force the water down your throat. At the end of the day, you need to take some progressive action or stop complaining.

 

 

 

So stop complaining and try hard to do something to prove the test wrong, or accept it as your fate. Stop using "feelings" as an excuse not to do things you deem necessary. Feelings are a luxury.

 

 

 

I agree with a lot of this, if you cant think well of yourself, how do you convince someone else that you are the person they want to spend time with?

 

 

Dating is selling, pure and simply, sell yourself better and you get better results. I have never ever met a salesperson who struggles to get dates, simply because they are better at selling.

 

 

As hard as it is you need to see something positive in life and enjoy that. Everything is about balance, like you I have very little to offer dates from a personality point of view because the consensus seems to be that I am boring but that does not stop me enjoying things I enjoy.

 

 

Its what you make of it, last night I was at a party full of pretty people but none appealed to me and I appealed to none of them but that ok, you cant always live in the negative. You accomplish nothing that way. Tomorrow I have a mega meeting, the outcome could be seriously materially beneficial to me and you know what I am more excited about that meeting than 99% of the dates I have been on.

 

 

Stop putting yourself down and get up. Nobody else will do that, they will encourage you but only you can make that step.

 

 

One thing that will amaze you, there are good people around and you can get a heck of a lot of very good what I call unintended support from them, be it a smile.

 

 

Find something that rewards you mentally, for me its work and the many things I juggle and the inherent challenge that presents. Everyone should have a reason to want to see the next day and you need to find yours.

 

 

Mine this simple motto: trying to make the seemingly impossible, possible.

Edited January 28, 2018 by ZA Dater

[Inflikted]

Take this test and report back with the results: https://www.careerfitter.com/

 

Okay, so I did this, and this is the report it gave me back:

 

Your career test results have been calculated from decades of scientific research, test studies, and professional evaluation. Your results indicate you are extremely dependable and have excellent organizational skills at work. You typically come very prepared and you like to be thorough with your work projects.

 

You have excellent concentration and you can be counted on to meet your commitments and deadlines. When you are working in a career you enjoy, you take pride in your work and you take your work very seriously. However, your efforts and hard work may go unnoticed because you typically do not like to promote yourself. This is not a weakness but it provides insight into your optimal management style at work.

 

You desire precision and accuracy. You are more comfortable and optimized when your career has established routines and procedures and utilizes your stability and focus. You work very well alone and prefer to socialize when the job is done.

 

You are truly wired for leadership. Your commitment to productivity and accountability makes you a valued employee. Companies will benefit from your pursuit of excellence and exceptional organizational skills.

 

One career that fits you best paid an average salary of $128,230 last year. Our scientific research calculated your results against the research of successful working career professionals like you and discovered 31 specific careers in 6 career fields that fit you best.

 

In hindsight, I don't know why I thought it might give me some possible career options for free, but that's behind the pay wall, and I don't really have an interest in paying a website I'm unfamiliar with for this. I don't really know how to interpret this report otherwise. Although I'd very much disagree with the line that says "You are truly wired for leadership". I'm the furthest thing from a "leader", and I have absolutely no desire to "lead" or "manage".

 

I understand the desire to do something meaningful, and I know this sounds harsh, but you sound spoiled.

 

The sheer fact that you say I'm "spoiled" makes me thing you've misunderstood my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Allow me to try to clarify things.

 

I'm not insincere to the fact that there are people in other places and other countries that are worse off and have less than I do. But that's not my reality. Yes, perhaps as an American, I take a lot of things for granted, but the culture I live in says that I should be doing more, I should be making something greater of myself, I should be aspiring to bigger and better things.

 

My reality is that I'm almost 30, and I work a job that a well-mannered high schooler could do. A job that I don't just dislike, but a job I actively hate, a job that makes me miserable every single day. I barely make any money, I live paycheck to paycheck, and even then, I still don't have enough money to afford a place to live, heck, for me a meal is usually a bag of chips, or a cheap frozen dinner at best. Do I still "have it better" than people elsewhere? Sure, yes, whatever. I understand that. But for someone in my position, that's pretty much bottom tier. Am I going to be a 50, 60 year old cashier, miserable about my job every single day, who's still living on small snacks and cheap TV dinners, living god knows where? That's not the life I want.

 

Every single day, I deal with customers who have so much more going on in their lives than I ever will. It's hard not to notice and feel like I'm on the outside looking in. People have careers, people have something they're good at that drives them forward, people have significant others and families, people travel and see the world. What do I have in comparison?

 

Every now and again, I look up old classmates and acquaintances to see what they're up to. And I always end up feeling bad about myself in comparison. Heck, even this kid who I went to grade school with who was a total burn out has done some cool stuff; he played in a band for a while, which while it probably wasn't profitable or a sustainable career, he got to do something cool and maybe make a small paycheck from it, and will probably remember that experience for the rest of his life. I haven't looked him up in a while, but last time I looked, he was doing some IT stuff and doing okay for himself.

 

The closest thing I had to a friend through grade school and some of high school, he's an engineer, he's got a good job, he's married, has a home, occasionally travels on vacation to some neat places. He's come in to my work a few times and we chat a little, and I always feel embarrassed and almost ashamed of myself when I talk to him.

 

All of my coworkers have their own homes, have a significant other. A couple years ago, my assistant manager vacationed in Hawaii with her fiance. Recently, my main manager vacationed somewhere and went diving with her family. Me, I've never taken a vacation in my life, I've never traveled anywhere because I don't have the money or time to do so. And don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily "complaining" about not being able to do that kind of thing. It's just... hard to constantly have all these people around me that have so much more going on and so much more to drive them forward, reminding me of what I don't have.

 

And in case you're wondering, no, I'm not "entitled", I don't expect life to be "easy", and I've never wanted nor expected to be "handed" or "given" anything. I WANT to "work" for things. I WANT to earn things by working hard. I WANT a challenge that I can realistically complete. Heck, that's part of where my frustration comes in, because in my current situation, there's no "challenge", there's no potential for upward movement or advancement (again, I have no interest whatsoever in management or corporate stuff), I don't really feel like I'm "working hard" to earn anything. I'm just stuck in this draining grind, and there's absolutely nothing to actually look forward to or work towards.

 

At the end of the day, I'm essentially a complete and utter waste. I'm basically right near the bottom tier of the society I live in, I'm a completely expendable unnecessary person that could easily be replaced in a job that a teenager could do, I don't make enough money to have a normal adult life, and I'm in a dead end position where there's no real hope for advancement because of how untalented, unskilled, and useless I am.

 

Sure, I'm "surviving", I'm getting by. But what's even the point? I'm destined to be an absolute failure. Hell, at this point, I'd be happier if a car crashed through my wall right now and put me out of my misery.

[normal person]

Okay, so I did this, and this is the report it gave me back:

 

In hindsight, I don't know why I thought it might give me some possible career options for free, but that's behind the pay wall, and I don't really have an interest in paying a website I'm unfamiliar with for this. I don't really know how to interpret this report otherwise. Although I'd very much disagree with the line that says "You are truly wired for leadership". I'm the furthest thing from a "leader", and I have absolutely no desire to "lead" or "manage".

 

Well, the website could just be something of a scam to present you with promising results to get you to pay for the specifics. In which case, I apologize. I didn't think of that. But I'm sure there are free ones out there somewhere.

 

The sheer fact that you say I'm "spoiled" makes me thing you've misunderstood my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Allow me to try to clarify things.

 

I'm not insincere to the fact that there are people in other places and other countries that are worse off and have less than I do. But that's not my reality. Yes, perhaps as an American, I take a lot of things for granted, but the culture I live in says that I should be doing more, I should be making something greater of myself, I should be aspiring to bigger and better things.

 

Everyone's problems are relative, I'll give you that. But you do also have to put your relative problems in the macro context.

 

My reality is that I'm almost 30, and I work a job that a well-mannered high schooler could do. A job that I don't just dislike, but a job I actively hate, a job that makes me miserable every single day. I barely make any money, I live paycheck to paycheck, and even then, I still don't have enough money to afford a place to live, heck, for me a meal is usually a bag of chips, or a cheap frozen dinner at best. Do I still "have it better" than people elsewhere? Sure, yes, whatever. I understand that. But for someone in my position, that's pretty much bottom tier.

 

I understand, but the problem isn't really that you dislike your job, or that you sound spoiled. It's that you don't do anything to change it because you don't "feel" good enough about anything else. At the end of the day, you don't hate your job enough to spur you to action. You're just using your feelings to justify inaction.

 

Am I going to be a 50, 60 year old cashier, miserable about my job every single day, who's still living on small snacks and cheap TV dinners, living god knows where? That's not the life I want.

 

Well, that's what I'm trying to get at. ARE you? Because as much as you seem to hate it, you seem resistant to any path that might lead you elsewhere because you don't "feel" good about it. As it stands now, you'd rather have the job you definitely hate than the uncertainty and one you might not.

 

Every single day, I deal with customers who have so much more going on in their lives than I ever will. It's hard not to notice and feel like I'm on the outside looking in. People have careers, people have something they're good at that drives them forward, people have significant others and families, people travel and see the world. What do I have in comparison?

 

For a lot of people, this would be enough motivation to take action and make changes. But that isn't what you're doing because of your feelings.

 

Every now and again, I look up old classmates and acquaintances to see what they're up to. And I always end up feeling bad about myself in comparison. Heck, even this kid who I went to grade school with who was a total burn out has done some cool stuff; he played in a band for a while, which while it probably wasn't profitable or a sustainable career, he got to do something cool and maybe make a small paycheck from it, and will probably remember that experience for the rest of his life. I haven't looked him up in a while, but last time I looked, he was doing some IT stuff and doing okay for himself.

 

So if a total burn out can get a job in IT, doing something "meaningful," maybe it's not as hard as you seem to think it is?

 

The closest thing I had to a friend through grade school and some of high school, he's an engineer, he's got a good job, he's married, has a home, occasionally travels on vacation to some neat places. He's come in to my work a few times and we chat a little, and I always feel embarrassed and almost ashamed of myself when I talk to him.

 

Yet not ashamed enough to subvert your feelings enough to try to change.

 

All of my coworkers have their own homes, have a significant other. A couple years ago, my assistant manager vacationed in Hawaii with her fiance. Recently, my main manager vacationed somewhere and went diving with her family. Me, I've never taken a vacation in my life, I've never traveled anywhere because I don't have the money or time to do so. And don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily "complaining" about not being able to do that kind of thing. It's just... hard to constantly have all these people around me that have so much more going on and so much more to drive them forward, reminding me of what I don't have.

 

But not so hard that to subvert your feelings enough to try to change.

 

I WANT to "work" for things. I WANT to earn things by working hard.

 

But not bad enough to subvert your feelings enough to try to change.

 

I WANT a challenge that I can realistically complete.

 

And what's stopping you from competing again? Oh right, feelings. You only want to change if there's guaranteed satisfaction at the end. Well, if that's the case, I'm afraid you might be waiting a while. Life's a gamble. If your desire isn't strong enough for you to change anything, or you don't want to risk it, it's a moot point because you don't want it bad enough.

 

Heck, that's part of where my frustration comes in, because in my current situation, there's no "challenge", there's no potential for upward movement or advancement (again, I have no interest whatsoever in management or corporate stuff), I don't really feel like I'm "working hard" to earn anything. I'm just stuck in this draining grind, and there's absolutely nothing to actually look forward to or work towards.

 

I understand your frustration.

I don't understand why you accept it and continue down this path if you hate it so much.

 

At the end of the day, I'm essentially a complete and utter waste. I'm basically right near the bottom tier of the society I live in, I'm a completely expendable unnecessary person that could easily be replaced in a job that a teenager could do, I don't make enough money to have a normal adult life, and I'm in a dead end position where there's no real hope for advancement because of how untalented, unskilled, and useless I am.

 

Again, I'm sorry to hear that. Are you doing anything to change it? If not, what's your excuse, and why is that excuse justifiable and better than the alternative?

 

Sure, I'm "surviving", I'm getting by. But what's even the point? I'm destined to be an absolute failure. Hell, at this point, I'd be happier if a car crashed through my wall right now and put me out of my misery.

 

Sounds like you should seek professional help as well.

[Inflikted]

For a lot of people, this would be enough motivation to take action and make changes. But that isn't what you're doing because of your feelings.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that you're taking this "feelings" thing out of context.

 

I'm not "afraid to take risks", I'm not "afraid to leave my comfort zone", I'm not purposely holding myself back from doing something specific to improve my life. I don't "feel" like it's easier or safer to stay stuck in my current position.

 

I fully understand and agree that the power to change my life all rests with me. I get that. The problem, in essence, is that I simply don't know how to wield that "power".

 

People make choices and make life decisions, and pursue things, because they have an affinity or inclination towards that thing. If someone wants to be a teacher, they'll learn how to be a teacher and pursue that. If someone wants to be a computer programmer, they'll learn how to be a computer programmer and do that.

 

Me, I know I want to be "something", but I don't know what. And when I don't know what my "destination" is, I can't fathom how to get there. That bothers me. Believe me, I put immense pressure on myself to try to answer this question, and I just can't ever come up with anything. And that eats away at me. It frustrates me, it makes me hate myself a little bit. I lie awake in bed at night wracking my brain and losing sleep and putting pressure on myself, and I can't come up with a single damn thing.

[RecentChange]

The point I'm trying to make is that you're taking this "feelings" thing out of context.

 

I'm not "afraid to take risks", I'm not "afraid to leave my comfort zone", I'm not purposely holding myself back from doing something specific to improve my life. I don't "feel" like it's easier or safer to stay stuck in my current position.

 

I disagree in with this, because in the past I have pleaded with you to do ANYTHING adventurous. Get in your car and go on an impromptu road trip for example. But you gave lists of reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea. Most of which, when you drill down on them were a fear of failure, and a lack of any faith in yourself to problem solve and be self sufficient.

 

Your comfort zone is where you stay.

 

[quote=Inflikted;7525260I fully understand and agree that the power to change my life all rests with me. I get that. The problem, in essence, is that I simply don't know how to wield that "power".

 

People make choices and make life decisions, and pursue things, because they have an affinity or inclination towards that thing. If someone wants to be a teacher, they'll learn how to be a teacher and pursue that. If someone wants to be a computer programmer, they'll learn how to be a computer programmer and do that.

 

Me, I know I want to be "something",but I don't know what. And when I don't know what my "destination" is, I can't fathom how to get there. That bothers me. Believe me, I put immense pressure on myself to try to answer this question, and I just can't ever come up with anything. And that eats away at me. It frustrates me, it makes me hate myself a little bit. I lie awake in bed at night wracking my brain and losing sleep and putting pressure on myself, and I can't come up with a single damn thing.

 

 

I am going to do some more poking you with a stick.

 

You know, not everyone has some dream career in mind that they then go pursue. There are thousands of us, no, millions of us that have fallen into various career paths that we may not have imagined, but have followed out of necessity.

 

I work in commercial / industrial title insurance. I can assure you, NO ONE in high school thinks, I know what I want to be when I grow up! A high liability commercial title insurance underwriter!

 

Yet, that is what I am, and I really enjoy my work, and better yet, it pays the bills.

 

In this industry we joke about it. "So, how did you end up in title insurance?"

 

Some are attorneys and simply found their niche. Some (many) started at some entry level position in the industry and worked their way up.

 

That is my story. I graduated college, my parents were not one to coddle me, and I was expected to find housing, work, and support myself as soon as I walked during that graduation ceremony.

 

I was DESPERATE for work - because living isn't free, and mommy and daddy were not going to coddle me. So I started taking positions through a temp agency, found an assignment with a good company, and decided this was work I could do, and worked hard to prove myself.

 

That was 16 years ago, 5 promotions, and now I make a very good income.

 

I can't tell you how many stories are like mine.

 

Did I set out to work in this industry? Nope.

 

You know what that "something" should be? An independent, capable adult who can pay all of his own bills, put a roof over his head, and food in his mouth.

 

The "destination"? A career where you can hustle, prove yourself, and work your way up.

 

But I don't you are hungry enough. I don't think you have enough pressure to really extend yourself out of your comfort zone and HUSTLE.

 

You have a roof over your head, food on the table, no impending doom if you do not make more money next week.

 

I tell ya, the prospect of being homeless, or having a hungry kid is a real motivator. I don't know what your's will be.

[normal person]

I fully understand and agree that the power to change my life all rests with me. I get that. The problem, in essence, is that I simply don't know how to wield that "power".

 

People make choices and make life decisions, and pursue things, because they have an affinity or inclination towards that thing. If someone wants to be a teacher, they'll learn how to be a teacher and pursue that. If someone wants to be a computer programmer, they'll learn how to be a computer programmer and do that.

 

If someone who isn't a teacher wants to be a teacher, they make the decision to learn to become a teacher and do that.

 

If someone who isn't a computer programmer wants to be a computer programmer, they make the decision to learn to be a computer programmer and do that.

 

You're talking out of both sides of your mouth. You're focusing on a granular degree of specificity in this issue rather than the important one: people who wanted something more than what they had went and got it. The "thing" they wanted is irrelevant. What is relevant is that they, like you, weren't satisfied just with what they had, then didn't waste years fretting and saying that they didn't know what else they wanted, and used that as an excuse not to go after what they want. Time isn't on your side. You don't have the luxury to sit around and wait for the idea to just come to you. You need to pick a path imminently. You also don't really have the luxury of being too picky about what the upgrade is. I say if it provides you with some meaning, purpose, and the ability to sustain yourself without hating it, it's a better job than a lot of people have and you should perhaps be thankful you have it.

 

 

Me, I know I want to be "something", but I don't know what.

 

Your feelings are still holding you back. You want to feel good about the thing you do. Which is a normal desire. But I also think it's a luxury for a lot of people.

 

How much of your life are you going to waste using this as an excuse? If you can get on a path to any kind of an upgrade, you should be thankful, in my opinion. Answer this: which is worse, picking the path that isn't necessarily perfect but still a satisfying upgrade (the most likely outcome, I think), or never picking a path, staying in your current life forever, and living with the regret?

 

If I were you, assuming I couldn't find something that made me "feel" good, I'd quickly move on and try to find the next best thing -- something that didn't necessarily satisfy me totally, but didn't destroy my soul or make me feel bad either. Something tolerable that could afford me to enjoy other aspects of my life.