Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Hi, where to start this. We've been married for 12 years and together for 16 years, I'm 37 (next month) and he is 43. We have two daughters 11 and 4. We're a very happy family I think and he constantly reassures me he loves me more than anything. He's always had a very high sex drive and when I had my last pregnancy we had no sex for about 2 months I could see it was getting to him he was agitated/frustrated. I agreed it'll be ok if he wants to see an escort as long as he always uses condoms, so he did. When we started having sex again he stopped seeing her for a while before he started seeing her again. He stopped seeing her when she found a boyfriend for half a year or so. Then she started escorting again while her boyfriend didn't know which caused some issues when he found out. My husband continued seeing her for over 4 years now. Then just after new year he confessed to me she told him she's pregnant, its probably his and she wants to keep it! I went really mad at him!! A few days later I met with her face to face just me and her lets just say we had a heart to heart talk just me and her. I was surprised at how beautiful she is. I found out some truths: that they only ever used a condom on their first ever meet and she only ever does that with him no one else - or so she says, she used to give him a 20/25% discount to see her again which then changed to 50% a couple of years ago. During our talk she mentioned she's an orphan she has no parents. She's 24 and has been an escort and stripper since she was 18. She found out she was pregnant when she went to get her implanon replaced. She seems very confident the baby is probably his she explained that all other men used condoms and she's more than happy to go for a DNA test. She apparently did go for an abortion but when she got there she couldn't go through with it. She thinks she's 16 weeks pregnant which it clearly shows she's very athletic looking. I'm normally a very open minded person but this is so upsetting for me its putting our marriage at breaking point now. He says he don't but I can tell he really loves her, and I can tell she is just a gold digger. I could divorce him but I feel she will take him. I love him more than anything, other than our daughters. I don't want to leave him but I do. I just have to put this out there as I have no one to talk to about this, I mean all my family/friends would automatically say for me to leave him simple as that. Any words of wisdom appreciated though. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 first, get yourself tested for std's. condoms don't protect completely against things like syphilis. That's a lovely std. You can have it for years and not know it, until it settles into your brain and nervous system, by which point there is nothing much you can do. Second, unless you are fine with him sleeping around behind your back, dump him. High sex drive my @ss. That doesn't give him the right to put your health, and that of your children at risk. Lots of men have a high sex drive. They don't go sleeping with prostitutes without a condom. You gave him a free pass,and he still couldn't keep the bargain. What else is he lying to you about? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I just don’t know what to tell you. Once something like that is started it on a life of its own. If you want to stay with him you have to decide if you can get past what has happened. I am so sorry this has happened. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Oops... This is bad news. I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how you are feeling, with the thought that you may have to end/lose your marriage. Unfortunately, this is the consequence of the decision to enable him to seek sex from another woman. You opened yourself and your marriage to a world of possibilities, including STD's, unplanned pregnancy, and the possibility that he may fall in love with another woman. I'm not saying this to be unkind, it's just the sad reality of the decision. Two months is not a long time to wait for sex after the birth of HIS child... And yet, by opening your marriage and allowing him to continue an ongoing affair with another woman, you have opened a Pandora's box of unwanted consequences. If only we could turn back the hands of time... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
viatori patuit Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Leave him. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 first, get yourself tested for std's. condoms don't protect completely against things like syphilis. That's a lovely std. You can have it for years and not know it, until it settles into your brain and nervous system, by which point there is nothing much you can do. I've actually got an appointment booked for in a couple of days just to make sure I'm clean. When I met her we talked about all this, she showed me her text messages from a local health clinic to show me she was checked up every 1-3 months, the texts were over two years of backlogs she never caught anything in that time. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I've actually got an appointment booked for in a couple of days just to make sure I'm clean. When I met her we talked about all this, she showed me her text messages from a local health clinic to show me she was checked up every 1-3 months, the texts were over two years of backlogs she never caught anything in that time. Good for you! Your husband was engaging in high risk sexual activity, putting your health at risk without your knowledge or consent. You need to be sure that you are safe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Leave him. Simple as that. It just annoys me so much that, I think, he would be fine if we divorced, as the vibe I got from her was she very much likes him so he would just move in with her. Its so annoying that he would settle for a woman like her of what she does, and after so many lovely shared experiences we have had together. Its a lot to just throw away even for both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 (edited) It just annoys me so much that, I think, he would be fine if we divorced, as the vibe I got from her was she very much likes him so he would just move in with her. Its so annoying that he would settle for a woman like her of what she does, and after so many lovely shared experiences we have had together. Its a lot to just throw away even for both of us. It is a lot to throw away, but she would be welcome to have him, in my humble opinion... He made his decision about the marriage when he decided to have sex and then continue an affair with another woman. There would not even have had to be a pregnancy for me to ask him to leave. Quite honestly, I would never tolerate an ongoing affair between my husband and another woman, especially an escort who puts my health at risk - no way! Edited January 20, 2018 by BaileyB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 You have to seriously question the judgment of a man who is willing to have unprotected sex with a prostitute! 12 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 You have to seriously question the judgment of a man who is willing to have unprotected sex with a prostitute! As well as needing sex so badly that 2 months without it, during a pregnancy, is such a hardship...... 15 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Quite honestly, I would never tolerate an ongoing affair between my husband and another woman, especially an escort who puts my health at risk - no way! I agree. I have to ask, OP, how much do you REALLY love your husband to be OK with him sleeping with someone else? Do you love your "life" and don't want to rock that boat, or do you love HIM? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Indeed, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this... I can appreciate that he was missing sex, but your body was recovering from the birth of his child. How does this solution even occur to you? I'm just curious, how does the idea of going to an escort even come up in conversation... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 So you were in a one sided open marriage...because 2 mo months without sex was too much. It's ridiculous. He doesn't understand the meaning or commitment involved in marriage. I'd divorce him. Total selfish bas***d. Never set the bar so low. He's not a worthy husband. Would you like your daughters to marry a man like him? Would he? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Indeed, I'm trying to wrap my mind around this... I can appreciate that he was missing sex, but your body was recovering from the birth of his child. How does this solution even occur to you? I'm just curious, how does the idea of going to an escort even come up in conversation... I'll hazard a guess that it was his idea and he pressured the OP into it! (I could be wrong of course). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 I agree. I have to ask, OP, how much do you REALLY love your husband to be OK with him sleeping with someone else? Do you love your "life" and don't want to rock that boat, or do you love HIM? I know what you're saying, and I agree in ways. Before I met my husband I had my share of relationships, some were open relationships which at first took some getting used to, but the more it happened it just sort of hardens you emotionally about it all. When I first met my husband exploring what turns us on and things, swinging was mentioned we liked the idea of it but we both didn't like the idea of seeing each other with someone else. In my previous relationships it was a rule to never talk about or be obvious about other people. So that's basically where my view stems from. Especially when you consider that half of marriages don't work out often because of cheating. When I met my husband we both agreed swinging open relations isn't really for us just to try make sure we stay happy together. But when I refused him sex because of pregnancy - you know the rest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 This is not your fault and it did not occur because you refused him sex after your pregnancy. Your husband has obviously been in the market for another relationship, outside your marriage. Your pregnancy and the decrease in sex resulting from the pregnancy/delivery is probably only a convenient excuse... To be fair, there is a decrease in sex in every marriage for a certain length of time after pregnancy, and rarely do the men decide to seek sex from another woman, especially an escort. And those who do, are a decidedly selfish and entitled kind of man. If you do not especially believe in monogamy and have engaged in other open relationships in the past, that is one thing. Your decision as it relates to the future of your marriage will depend on what your expectations are for your husband, and your marriage. Only you can make that decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 This is not your fault and it did not occur because you refused him sex after your pregnancy. Your husband has obviously been in the market for another relationship, outside your marriage. Your pregnancy and the decrease in sex resulting from the pregnancy/delivery is probably only a convenient excuse... To be fair, there is a decrease in sex in every marriage for a certain length of time after pregnancy, and rarely do the men decide to seek sex from another woman, especially an escort. And those who do, are a decidedly selfish and entitled kind of man. If you do not especially believe in monogamy and have engaged in other open relationships in the past, that is one thing. Your decision as it relates to the future of your marriage will depend on what your expectations are for your husband, and your marriage. Only you can make that decision I agree with all of this. And I'd also like to add that you're allowed to change your mind. Especially after becoming a mom....sometimes our views about things change at different points in our lives, and parenthood is definitely one of those times. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 I agree with all of this. And I'd also like to add that you're allowed to change your mind. Especially after becoming a mom....sometimes our views about things change at different points in our lives, and parenthood is definitely one of those times. I tend to agree. I think the main thing that changed my view about love and relationships was when I was 18 on a hen party weekend, we stayed at an hotel also with a random stag party of guys. After getting back from a night out both groups mostly seemed to mingle together. Lots of alcohol was flying around. I was chatting with this 31y/o guy who had a girlfriend, we ended up going back to his hotel room - 2x single beds which in the other bed was a female friend of a friend with some guy under the sheets together. Turned out she was married and she seemed so very normal about it all even laughing about some things. She called out to me - "do you even know his name?" I looked at him and was like no, they just burst out laughing as if it was all normal. And yet whenever you to talk anyone about cheating and things, no one would ever, ever do it its terrible how on earth could anyone do such a thing, its not love etc. And yet that woman, last time I checked a few years ago, is still happily married and with grandchildren. Like, what??? how? I think that was the moment that changed me and accept that open relationships can work. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I think that was the moment that changed me and accept that open relationships can work. Do you know that she had an open relationship? Or was she just outright cheating? I think moments like this can make you more "accepting," but they can also desensitize you, and normalize things, and not in a good way. I'm not talking just about this issue....I mean lots of things. Violence, sex and profanity on TV is a perfect example. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 So how's this supposed to work then? His girlfriend is pregnant... is he meant to be a little family with her while their relationship continues...is his new child going to be introduced to yours? And explained how? Daddy's new baby...but not mummys baby. He was too busy enjoying bareback sex.... to think with his head. Bringing kids into these situations is bad news. You both agreed you didn't want to share each other...but it happened anyway. How about you find yourself a boyfriend...and while your at it maybe get pregnant by him and see how that goes down with your husband. Not seriously ... (well not about the pregnancy) but perhaps a taste of his own meds wouldn't hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 Do you know that she had an open relationship? Or was she just outright cheating? I think moments like this can make you more "accepting," but they can also desensitize you, and normalize things, and not in a good way. I'm not talking just about this issue....I mean lots of things. Violence, sex and profanity on TV is a perfect example. I don't know if she was cheating or in a open relationship-marriage. She was just so very, very normal about everything which always made me wonder that she must be a swinger or something. She wasn't exactly a slut before what happened. I come from a very loving family, perhaps over-loving, my parents are still very much in love after almost 50 years together and I'm certain they have never had any interest in seeing anyone else, when my mom dies it will break my dads heart he probably won't be long going after her. You know what I mean. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 I would definitely say that this experience, and probably others, have normalized this behavior for you, and not in a good way... The whole 50% of marriages end in divorce and/or involve cheating statistic doesn't make any sense to me either. To me, it's a convenient justification for extramarital relationships. Because, that same statistic also means that 50% of relationships are generally happy, monogamous, long term relationships... Just because some men cheat, doesn't mean that your husband gets to bang the first woman in the first escort ad that he finds. Nor does it mean that you have to accept this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lou11 Posted January 20, 2018 Author Share Posted January 20, 2018 So how's this supposed to work then? His girlfriend is pregnant... is he meant to be a little family with her while their relationship continues...is his new child going to be introduced to yours? And explained how? Daddy's new baby...but not mummys baby. He was too busy enjoying bareback sex.... to think with his head. Bringing kids into these situations is bad news. You both agreed you didn't want to share each other...but it happened anyway. How about you find yourself a boyfriend...and while your at it maybe get pregnant by him and see how that goes down with your husband. Not seriously ... (well not about the pregnancy) but perhaps a taste of his own meds wouldn't hurt. Yep, I'm in the exact same way of thinking with that. Worst case scenario, hope her offspring never finds out she was a whore. Otherwise, lots of people these days are born with half sisters/brothers and no one even flinches. I remember when I was a young teen and a friends mom had kids by two different dads, my mum was like; they're not brother and sisters, as if it was wrong. These days though, basically... the world has changed. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 20, 2018 Share Posted January 20, 2018 Wow, you were an 18 year old young woman having a one night stand with a man almost twice your age, while another married woman was having sex in the bed next to you... That is a counselling session right there. No wonder you don't have a good sense of what a healthy relationship really is... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts