Ghosted after 5 months

[WNM]

I met a guy about 5 months back at a work event (we live in different states). What I thought initially would be a 1 week fling turned into something else- he continued to stay in contact and we talked almost daily. A month later, I had a training in the city where he lives. We had an amazing night where he took me out to dinner, had great conversation, and the sex was great. I went back home and things seemed to get more intense after this, we talked a lot about wishing we could see each other more, etc.

 

In December he said he wanted to come visit me. We planned the dates and everything but then he said school stuff came up (hes getting his Masters) and he couldn't make it anymore. I was bummed but we continued to talk everyday and feelings still seemed strong for each other.

 

Then, I found out work was sending me to his city again in January, but this time for 2 weeks. I was so excited as this would allow us to have some legitimate time together. We could not stop talking about it and our conversations revolved around this visit coming up. He seemed genuinely excited and we were literally counting down the days. The week before he was checking his schedule and trying to plan out what days we could see each other. The day I flew in he said he couldn't wait to see me and we made plans to see each other briefly that night before he started a midnight shift at work. He came over, we had sex and cuddled for a bit before he left.

 

We had planned to hang out the following night for a more proper date night. The next day, I get a text from him saying he has to work late and isn't going to be able to hang out anymore, and that he's so sorry. He also had to leave for a work trip for a few days. Then, nothing. I was completely ghosted.

 

A week later I decided to call him out on ghosting and let him know how hurtful it was to not even offer me an explanation for disappearing. He responded and said how sorry he was and that when he gets overwhelmed with work and school he just drops off the earth. I told him I was confused by that as he's never stopped contact before, and to just let me know if he lost interest. No response. I was ghosted a second time.

 

Ghosting sucks and is so cowardly. Especially considering I made it so easy for him to just be straight with me. I can't help but take it personally, he was 100% into me until he came over that first night I arrived. Something happened. Did I disgust him? I can't figure it out. I don't even know what I'm looking for from posting this, I think I just needed to vent and write out my feelings. My self esteem has taken a hit and it makes me not even want to put myself out there anymore. I realize this was not an exclusive relationship but this guy really made me feel that he cared about me and I can't believe someone can just drop off like that after talking every day for 5 months. I feel foolish.

[irresolute]

Hello, I'm so sorry what has happened to you.

My guess is he realized he's not into you.

Guys often times dissaoear instead of telling the truth because they don't want to deal with the consequences of hearing you cry or being mad at them.

 

My other guess is that your two trips to his home town didn't help to the relationship because he never made any effort to go see you, it was you the one who did all the travel (despite the fact it was a job related travel) he might had sensed that you were overwhelming and that he couldn't handle the fact you were going to be in his home town so often and for long periods of time.

 

My conclusion and my final guess is that he lost interest. You were too available and willing to travel to meet him whereas he couldn't even visited you even once.

 

Now, don't contact him again. Let it be. He'll probably. Intact you again in the near future. Try to make him work for you a little. Guys like the chase

[Logo]

I have a couple of questions:

 

 

Is he an introvert?

Is it possible he thought the relationship was more casual or he wanted a more casual relationship?

 

 

Perhaps he didn’t even want a relationship and was looking for no strings attached?

 

 

And finally, why did you write that you think he might have found you disgusting? What do you base that on?

 

 

Try to make him work for you a little. Guys like the chase

 

 

 

Guys don’t like tha chase, well, at least I don’t.

 

 

But, if he contacts you make him work for it. And perhaps try to clarify what kind of relationship this is.

[irresolute]

I have a couple of questions:

 

 

Is he an introvert?

Is it possible he thought the relationship was more casual or he wanted a more casual relationship?

 

 

Perhaps he didn’t even want a relationship and was looking for no strings attached?

 

 

And finally, why did you write that you think he might have found you disgusting? What do you base that on?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guys don’t like tha chase, well, at least I don’t.

 

 

But, if he contacts you make him work for it. And perhaps try to clarify what kind of relationship this is.

 

 

Guys do like the chase. My question would be why you don't? Do you prefer aggressive women? Are you more comfortable being passive?

[FilterCoffee]

My guess is that he’s either married or in a long term relationship. It’s hard not to take it personally but you really shouldn’t. He’s sooo messed up that nobody could’ve done anything in your situation. So chin up and forget this loser. This is not a reflection on you.

[WNM]

I have a couple of questions:

 

 

Is he an introvert?

Is it possible he thought the relationship was more casual or he wanted a more casual relationship?

 

 

Perhaps he didn’t even want a relationship and was looking for no strings attached?

 

 

And finally, why did you write that you think he might have found you disgusting? What do you base that on?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guys don’t like tha chase, well, at least I don’t.

 

 

But, if he contacts you make him work for it. And perhaps try to clarify what kind of relationship this is.

 

 

 

I wouldn't say he's an introvert. When I first met him he was very charismatic and outgoing, but that was when we were in mostly group situations. I will say that when we were one on one he was different. He seemed kind of guarded and almost a little nervous I guess you could say...at least compared to how he acted via text when we would chat long distance.

 

In the beginning I thought it was just casual. However the fact that he stayed in touch and we spoke almost daily (he initiated 80% of contact) I figured he must want more? I mean, why bother talking every day...in a long distance situation if he wanted something casual wouldn't it be easier to just be like "hey lets get in touch when one of us is in town". What is the point of the daily chatting otherwise?

 

I don't see him not wanting to be in a relationship a factor (even if that is how he feels)...I wasn't asking him to be in one, I only wanted to spend some time with him while I was there.

 

The disgusting comment is based on the fact that he was acting totally normal up until he came over to see me the first night I arrived. He slept with me, and after that is when he disappeared. I can't help but wonder if he suddenly realized he wasn't attracted to me for some reason that night. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and the sex was good, although it was a bit rushed. I just can't figure out what caused the sudden change of heart for him.

[WNM]

My guess is that he’s either married or in a long term relationship. It’s hard not to take it personally but you really shouldn’t. He’s sooo messed up that nobody could’ve done anything in your situation. So chin up and forget this loser. This is not a reflection on you.

 

Thank you for saying that. It is extremely difficult to not take it personally. I don't think he's married but maybe he is hiding a relationship, or just started dating someone else who now has his interest. Though I don't know why he would act so excited about seeing me the days leading up to me arriving.

[princessa1062]

I'm sorry he ghosted you. It's awful, immature, and is the most cowardly way to handle a break up. Don't you dare think it's about you, hold your chin up high. He showed you exactly who he is, a small, meek coward. I was ghosted after 2 years, and we were engaged. He left for a business trip one day kissed me goodbye said I love you and I have never seen him again. Through therapy I do understand now it wasn't my fault that he did that...he is a coward. Strive never to ghost nor be like him, and keep living your life. Life is short and the longer you sit around and cry the longer you may be missing out on someone who is amazing, someone who will never walk away.

[LivingWaterPlease]

My guess is that he’s either married or in a long term relationship. It’s hard not to take it personally but you really shouldn’t. He’s sooo messed up that nobody could’ve done anything in your situation. So chin up and forget this loser. This is not a reflection on you.

 

My thoughts after reading your OP.

[WNM]

I'm sorry he ghosted you. It's awful, immature, and is the most cowardly way to handle a break up. Don't you dare think it's about you, hold your chin up high. He showed you exactly who he is, a small, meek coward. I was ghosted after 2 years, and we were engaged. He left for a business trip one day kissed me goodbye said I love you and I have never seen him again. Through therapy I do understand now it wasn't my fault that he did that...he is a coward. Strive never to ghost nor be like him, and keep living your life. Life is short and the longer you sit around and cry the longer you may be missing out on someone who is amazing, someone who will never walk away.

 

Oh wow, I can't even imagine how painful that was after 2 years and an engagement! These guys truly are cowards. What's scary is how blindsided I was by it. How do I know the next guy won't do the same thing when/if he loses interest? I am truly terrified to date again.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Oh wow, I can't even imagine how painful that was after 2 years and an engagement! These guys truly are cowards. What's scary is how blindsided I was by it. How do I know the next guy won't do the same thing when/if he loses interest? I am truly terrified to date again.

 

Well, when you're dating a guy, WNM, take note of his integrity in even small matters. A guy with integrity won't ghost you. But, I think sometimes folks tend to overlook small red flags that signal a person is dishonest, but since it doesn't seem to affect the one they're dating, the one they're dating lets it slip by. Eventually, though, it comes back to haunt the person.

 

Whenever you see a person behave dishonestly or unkindly, even in small ways, or disrespect another person, even if it seems to be a small matter, that's your cue that they'll one day do the same to you.

[maybejune]

Thank you for saying that. It is extremely difficult to not take it personally. I don't think he's married but maybe he is hiding a relationship, or just started dating someone else who now has his interest. Though I don't know why he would act so excited about seeing me the days leading up to me arriving.

 

I also think he is in a relationship now, either married or a girlfriend. You have noticed that he didn't stay the night with you, which he could have done and go home the next morning.

 

He missed the sex with you, so he came to meet you only on the first day. because it's his city, he doesn't want people to see him with you.

 

If he really is in a relationship and lead you on, he is an assh*le.

[Logo]

Guys do like the chase. My question would be why you don't? Do you prefer aggressive women? Are you more comfortable being passive?

 

 

It has nothing to do with passivity. What I'm getting at is that interest should be mutual. If either one in the relationship has to chase the other person then it's not a healthy or fair relationship.

 

Do you like it when men play hard to get or don't return phone calls or text messages in a timely manner? If you like that kind of 'chase', then by all means, but it gets old and I the practice immature and to a degree passive aggressive.

[Logo]

What is the point of the daily chatting otherwise?

 

Honestly, it's hard to tell for sure. There could be a zillion reasons why he behaved the way he did. It's like trying to find closure after a breakup.

 

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. Yes, he's a jerk. But if you're trying to understand what happened here in an effort to learn from it so as not to repeat the same mistake again, I can tell you that you need to realize it's not you, it's him. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

 

Now, if I were cynical I would conclude that he was trying to keep you close, keep you interested. That's why he kept calling and chatting. Maybe he was lonely. Maybe he was going through a rough patch. Who knows.

 

It's possible that as others have pointed out, he was actually in a relationship and didn't want to tell you.

 

Ghosting is a cowardly thing to do. But in the 21st century, we conveniently hide behind smartphones and computers to protect us from feeling vulnerable when we communicate with others. So if he ghosted you because he couldn't tell you that he was no longer into you, then perhaps he found it easier to just hide.

[WNM]

Honestly, it's hard to tell for sure. There could be a zillion reasons why he behaved the way he did. It's like trying to find closure after a breakup.

 

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. Yes, he's a jerk. But if you're trying to understand what happened here in an effort to learn from it so as not to repeat the same mistake again, I can tell you that you need to realize it's not you, it's him. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.

 

Now, if I were cynical I would conclude that he was trying to keep you close, keep you interested. That's why he kept calling and chatting. Maybe he was lonely. Maybe he was going through a rough patch. Who knows.

 

It's possible that as others have pointed out, he was actually in a relationship and didn't want to tell you.

 

Ghosting is a cowardly thing to do. But in the 21st century, we conveniently hide behind smartphones and computers to protect us from feeling vulnerable when we communicate with others. So if he ghosted you because he couldn't tell you that he was no longer into you, then perhaps he found it easier to just hide.

 

Thank you. I wonder now if he just liked keeping me around for the attention. He's a busy guy and me living on the other side of the country was convenient for him, he could text when he liked and I made him feel desired/wanted (and vice versa). Then when I came to town, "reality" set in and he couldn't handle it, paired up with his insane schedule. Or he just simply lost interest. Who knows, like you said it doesn't really matter at this point...

 

But the cruel part of ghosting is that the typical recovery period is dragged out by the constant wondering about what happened. I replay the night in my head over and over, trying to figure out the exact point where he changed his mind about me. It's ridiculous and unhealthy but that's what ghosting does to someone like me. I wish so badly I could transfer all the pain I'm feeling to him so he knows the hurt he has caused me.

 

Every day it gets a little better but still, here I am a month later still agonizing over it. To think just a little human decency and respect is all I needed to move on from this, but I wasn't given that unfortunately.

[Logo]

I replay the night in my head over and over, trying to figure out the exact point where he changed his mind about me.

 

I know the feeling. We replay a moment or an incident or an act over and over and over in the hope that we can solve this puzzle. We operate under the false assumption that if we could only pinpoint that moment or word or act that made the relationship turn a corner, then we can fix it.

 

It took me a while to realize that it was waste of time and energy trying to find logic in something that was illogical, my ex's actions.

 

You see, there is no puzzle to solve.

 

You're still the same attractive person with whom he enjoyed talking for hours, and you're still the same person who's company he enjoyed. The only thing that's changed is that he revealed his true self and his intentions. The mask came off.

 

Eventually, I found closure from within. So please stop replaying that evening in your head and take a break. The sooner you realize that it's a waste of time, the better you'll feel.

 

So forget him and move on. Don't let him win. Don't waste another minute or second thinking about him or his actions.

 

Think of all the good things in your life.