Emotional Affair - OW Lonely

[OceanBlues132017]

My story is like so many others out there. I never planned on being the OW. It's been a year since my coworker started messaging me on FB. At first it was friendly flirty and fun. The jokes we make and the similarities we have connected us right away. I started to tell right away that he was flirting more than a married man should be... and somehow I didn't care. A few months in and we admitted we were attracted to each other. He fully disclosed he wasn't looking to leave his wife (they have children together) but that their sex life lacks in what he's looking for.

 

We proceeded to talk... then it began to become sexual. We secretly sexted each other for months until one day we ended up kissing after I gave him a ride after work. Things slowed down as he felt guilty. I cut things off. Told him I didn't want him to feel that way, and that was never my intention. I care about him and his family. I'm not here to break anything up or make things bad for either of us in our personal lives or at work. After that it was months of normal interaction at work.

 

Then again he started messaging me. He can't get me out of his mind. He's so attracted to me, as I am to him. We started talking and having an online sexual and emotional affair again. He never seems to want to actually take it to the next level... I think he's afraid of how he felt after the first time it happened. It's fun, it's sexy...but what am I getting out of this? Why do I keep going back? Ultimately I think it's loneliness. He tells me how beautiful and perfect I am. Personality. Looks. Body. All of it. It makes me feel special. I know I'm beautiful inside and out. I know that there has to be someone available out there for me, but I haven't found him yet... so I stay.

 

I stay in this toxic relationship feeling nothing but guilt and longing for something I can't have. I guess I'm just here to share my story.

 

I know there have to be others in similar situations. What did you do? How do you stop? Why can't I rationally just move on? I'm a fairly rational person, but I can't seem to understand why my brain is not cooperating with what I know is right. Any advice or sharing similar stories would be greatly appreciated!

Edited January 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, edit title for clarity

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

What did you do? How do you stop?

Said goodbye and established no contact. Sent evidence to spouse. Worked great.

Why can't I rationally just move on?

IDK, how to you move on from other relationships that don't work out?

I'm a fairly rational person, but I can't seem to understand why my brain is not cooperating with what I know is right. Any advice or sharing similar stories would be greatly appreciated!

Love and emotional attachment isn't necessarily rational. Emotions rarely are. However, we can rationally process emotions. What do you do in other instances of strong emotions?

 

Love and romance are a strong drug. Brain is bathed in it. How do we handle other forms of dependence? How do we quit?

 

One tip from my years as an OM: Be careful about this attachment coloring your interactions with otherwise available and interested gentlemen. Your situation may be a bit different depending on the pursuit dynamics in your culture/demographic but looking back I wasn't 'all there' when it came to marked pursuit of women (the norm in my culture/demographic) so likely missed out on some good prospects due to a clouded mind. Once I finally resolved the issue a good decade after it began, relationship success with available women improved, in part due to that and in part to gaining more life experience in other areas.

 

IMO, breaking the connection is critical. Some women I've known can compartmentalize and have little trouble with affairs. Some MW's I've known over the decades are like that. It's like a switch with them. Perhaps you can learn some of those tools, IDK. I did over time, as is typical for males which is why you don't often see substantially invested single OM's. They compartmentalize the affair as a fun box. Nothing deep or long-term.

 

Good luck!

[BluesPower]

You are smart to want to stop...

 

How do you stop. You just stop, it really is that simple.

 

You think you know what you are getting yourself into but you really, really have no idea.

 

Be glad you have not slept together yet.

 

This guys is nothing special, he is a man that wants some strange and he thinks he can get it from you.

 

And guess what, his marriage is way better than he describes, that is a fact.

 

Stop contact, and start the process of dating some real single guys. You will be so much better off, better off than you can imagine.

 

Trust me, I know what I am talking about, you do not want to go there...

[skywriter]

My story is like so many others out there. I never planned on being the OW. It's been a year since my coworker started messaging me on FB. At first it was friendly flirty and fun. The jokes we make and the similarities we have connected us right away. I started to tell right away that he was flirting more than a married man should be... and somehow I didn't care. A few months in and we admitted we were attracted to each other. He fully disclosed he wasn't looking to leave his wife (they have children together) but that their sex life lacks in what he's looking for.

 

We proceeded to talk... then it began to become sexual. We secretly sexted each other for months until one day we ended up kissing after I gave him a ride after work. Things slowed down as he felt guilty. I cut things off. Told him I didn't want him to feel that way, and that was never my intention. I care about him and his family. I'm not here to break anything up or make things bad for either of us in our personal lives or at work. After that it was months of normal interaction at work.

 

Then again he started messaging me. He can't get me out of his mind. He's so attracted to me, as I am to him. We started talking and having an online sexual and emotional affair again. He never seems to want to actually take it to the next level... I think he's afraid of how he felt after the first time it happened. It's fun, it's sexy...but what am I getting out of this? Why do I keep going back? Ultimately I think it's loneliness. He tells me how beautiful and perfect I am. Personality. Looks. Body. All of it. It makes me feel special. I know I'm beautiful inside and out. I know that there has to be someone available out there for me, but I haven't found him yet... so I stay.

 

I stay in this toxic relationship feeling nothing but guilt and longing for something I can't have. I guess I'm just here to share my story.

 

I know there have to be others in similar situations. What did you do? How do you stop? Why can't I rationally just move on? I'm a fairly rational person, but I can't seem to understand why my brain is not cooperating with what I know is right. Any advice or sharing similar stories would be greatly appreciated!

 

If you were like myself,maybe you make excuses to continue on in the A, until you are alone with your thoughts and he's at home with his family. Then you consider how you should stop this, It gets worse, when your birthday comes & holidays.

 

If you can't call him to share an exciting milestone, terrible when you have a tragedy occur and you can't turn to him and say you do and he blows you off. It's a cruel reality, Some people read this and just think, I won't let this happen, but the thing is, it just does happen when you aren't expecting it to.

I went through all these incidents I describe.

 

You'll make excuses, that you'll just do this until you meet someone available.

You won't open yourself up to that opportunity because you'll feel your being unfaithful to your AP.

 

[springs]

Welcome to LS...

 

IMO, breaking the connection is critical. Some women I've known can compartmentalize and have little trouble with affairs. Some MW's I've known over the decades are like that.

 

I don't know any women like that. Me and my friends have always analyzed every single word or no word of a man. It's like once we come in contact with them they become a science project that requires a long thought out behavioral assessment.

[springs]

At first it was friendly flirty and fun. The jokes we make and the similarities we have connected us right away. I started to tell right away that he was flirting more than a married man should be... and somehow I didn't care.

 

That is the problem. You didn't care. Men don't want to send messages to women they aren't sexually interested in.

 

Also, he followed a simple formula according to your description which meant he wanted to cheat with you when he sent his first message. He was testing to see if you'd be interested. He preplanned the whole thing.

Edited January 23, 2018 by springs

[William]

Good morning,

 

It appears we have another one post new member who logged out two minutes after posting this and hasn't returned so I'll move it to PRC to track them. Thanks for your responses!

[OceanBlues132017]

Good morning,

 

It appears we have another one post new member who logged out two minutes after posting this and hasn't returned so I'll move it to PRC to track them. Thanks for your responses!

 

 

 

I am new, and was waiting to see how this all worked out. I have a lot of story to share, but understand new members her are looked upon as not committed. I do appreciate all of the responses provided thus far. I'm sorry I don't have the experience to respond right away to everyone as again, I am new here.

[OceanBlues132017]

He was testing to see if you'd be interested. He preplanned the whole thing.

 

This is true and I know this now. I knew it then. Again, it's not based on bein rational, but rather emotions which are not. I thought he was attractive, I wanted/liked the attention. But it's not anything I'd ever had done, fallen for or would have in the past. Which is why this time, this situation is so beyond frustrating for me. I've fallen for the trap that I've always know was out there, the trick that I know of. And I can see it. It's pathetic, but I can see how I was set up for it, and I still care about him.

[OceanBlues132017]

 

You'll make excuses, that you'll just do this until you meet someone available.

You won't open yourself up to that opportunity because you'll feel your being unfaithful to your AP.

 

 

 

That's the problem. I want to move on. I want to find that someone I can be with, that I can openly be with. I find it so hard to find men my age that are available and brave enough to make a move. I don't go out to bars to drink, I don't live in the town where I grew up so I find myself most of the time at work around coworkers. My pool is small and a dangerous one. I know that if I could just find someone special to share my love with, I could go NC and move on... but for now the loneliness is too much and I stay. I wait for our next hour long message time. I think about him, knowing he's with his family. And I'm even more lonely and sad. It's a viscous cycle that I want to end. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get there.

[whichwayisup]

That's the problem. I want to move on. I want to find that someone I can be with, that I can openly be with. I find it so hard to find men my age that are available and brave enough to make a move. I don't go out to bars to drink, I don't live in the town where I grew up so I find myself most of the time at work around coworkers. My pool is small and a dangerous one. I know that if I could just find someone special to share my love with, I could go NC and move on... but for now the loneliness is too much and I stay. I wait for our next hour long message time. I think about him, knowing he's with his family. And I'm even more lonely and sad. It's a viscous cycle that I want to end. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get there.

 

Another man isn't going to help. You're in no shape of mind to get into another relationship until you rid of what you feel for the current one.

 

Please consider counseling. It'll help you gain confidence and self love, self respect and most of all, a feeling of happiness and content being on your own without having to rely on a man to complete you or make you happy. If you're not happy overall in life, NO man will fulfill that need.

 

Therapy will also help you get over this MM so you can heal in a healthy way.

[Summer08]

I wait for our next hour long message time. I think about him, knowing he's with his family. And I'm even more lonely and sad. It's a viscous cycle that I want to end. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get there.

 

This is how you get addicted. You wait and wait and wait for his attention and then when he gives it to you rational thinking goes away.

 

You need to be honest with yourself what is more important to you now unpredictable immediate gratification or living your life without a primary relationship. You might get a primary relationship at some point or you might not.

[Rebelnoir]

That's the problem. I want to move on. I want to find that someone I can be with, that I can openly be with. I find it so hard to find men my age that are available and brave enough to make a move. I don't go out to bars to drink, I don't live in the town where I grew up so I find myself most of the time at work around coworkers. My pool is small and a dangerous one. I know that if I could just find someone special to share my love with, I could go NC and move on... but for now the loneliness is too much and I stay. I wait for our next hour long message time. I think about him, knowing he's with his family. And I'm even more lonely and sad. It's a viscous cycle that I want to end. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get there.

 

I sometimes thought like this. The problem is whilst you're emotionally invested in MM you won't be able to see if somebody special comes along. I'm struggling with that right now and it's a tough place to be.

 

I know how you feel with the whole waiting for messages thing. You're getting sucked into the cycle. Think about cutting your losses before you end up sleeping with this man and going even further down a path that will most likely cause hurt and devastation for everyone involved.

[OceanBlues132017]

I appreciate you all. As I am typing this I am resisting the urge to check my phone for a message... which hasn't come in a few days, nor have I sent one.

 

 

I know that you are all right, it's best to move on and NC is going to be what I'm focused on. I know I deserve a real loving relationship, and I'm not here to just fill someone's empty void. I'm more than just an OW, and an OW is not something I ever thought I would be or want to be. I want to be loved by someone who will shout it to the world. Hopefully someday I'll find what and who I'm looking for.

 

 

Thank you all for your insight!

[Summer08]

I appreciate you all. As I am typing this I am resisting the urge to check my phone for a message... which hasn't come in a few days, nor have I sent one.

 

 

I know that you are all right, it's best to move on and NC is going to be what I'm focused on. I know I deserve a real loving relationship, and I'm not here to just fill someone's empty void. I'm more than just an OW, and an OW is not something I ever thought I would be or want to be. I want to be loved by someone who will shout it to the world. Hopefully someday I'll find what and who I'm looking for.

 

 

Thank you all for your insight!

 

If I were you I'd change my number and make sure the old number doesn't lead to the new one. This way you'll KNOW there aren't any messages. It will help break the addiction. Trust me on this one.

[skywriter]

That's the problem. I want to move on. I want to find that someone I can be with, that I can openly be with. I find it so hard to find men my age that are available and brave enough to make a move. I don't go out to bars to drink, I don't live in the town where I grew up so I find myself most of the time at work around coworkers. My pool is small and a dangerous one. I know that if I could just find someone special to share my love with, I could go NC and move on... but for now the loneliness is too much and I stay. I wait for our next hour long message time. I think about him, knowing he's with his family. And I'm even more lonely and sad. It's a viscous cycle that I want to end. I just don't know how I'm ever going to get there.

 

I'm sorry OceanBlues132017, I just want to share my truth with others in hopes of offering something helpful.I was alone for about 6 years when I got involved with the MM. I was 42 year old, raising two kids, working a lot.

 

I was 49 yeas old when I gave my boyfriend a chance. I was afraid of us messing up our friendship by getting physical. What I'm trying to say is, I understand lonliness. The point is you are lonely with him and lonely without him. Change won't make you any less lonely, but it just might make you a little less depressed from having to deal with the added stress that comes with an A.

 

All, I know is I had to get off the crazy train, once I did, I never looked back. I truly hope that you can too. If you don't find someone special, maybe you'll find yourself or something you enjoy in life. I wish you the strength to make a change. Best Wishes...

[fredflint]

My story is like so many others out there. I never planned on being the OW. It's been a year since my coworker started messaging me on FB. At first it was friendly flirty and fun. The jokes we make and the similarities we have connected us right away. I started to tell right away that he was flirting more than a married man should be... and somehow I didn't care. A few months in and we admitted we were attracted to each other. He fully disclosed he wasn't looking to leave his wife (they have children together) but that their sex life lacks in what he's looking for.

 

We proceeded to talk... then it began to become sexual. We secretly sexted each other for months until one day we ended up kissing after I gave him a ride after work. Things slowed down as he felt guilty. I cut things off. Told him I didn't want him to feel that way, and that was never my intention. I care about him and his family. I'm not here to break anything up or make things bad for either of us in our personal lives or at work. After that it was months of normal interaction at work.

 

Then again he started messaging me. He can't get me out of his mind. He's so attracted to me, as I am to him. We started talking and having an online sexual and emotional affair again. He never seems to want to actually take it to the next level... I think he's afraid of how he felt after the first time it happened. It's fun, it's sexy...but what am I getting out of this? Why do I keep going back? Ultimately I think it's loneliness. He tells me how beautiful and perfect I am. Personality. Looks. Body. All of it. It makes me feel special. I know I'm beautiful inside and out. I know that there has to be someone available out there for me, but I haven't found him yet... so I stay.

 

I stay in this toxic relationship feeling nothing but guilt and longing for something I can't have. I guess I'm just here to share my story.

 

I know there have to be others in similar situations. What did you do? How do you stop? Why can't I rationally just move on? I'm a fairly rational person, but I can't seem to understand why my brain is not cooperating with what I know is right. Any advice or sharing similar stories would be greatly appreciated!

 

When you allow your mind to be occupied by your addiction to him, then you are not fully free to find the love you do deserve. Therefore the difficult but rational choice is to cut him off. Long term gain in return for a short term price.