How do I tell my wife that I smoke?

[kcitsmoob79]

Okay, here's the deal:

 

I met my wife 5 years ago. At the time, I was smoking, and she knew I was a smoker. However, after a few months of dating, she told me that she wanted me to quit. I told her that I would try, and a few months later, told her that I had quit.

 

We've been married for 2 years now, and I still smoke cigarettes on an almost daily basis. Over the years, I've been able to figure out exactly what I need to do to keep her from smelling it on me.

 

My problem is that I want to tell her now. I've become more and more upset with myself for hiding this from her. I'm ashamed that I've lied to her almost every day we've been together. I don't feel like I'm being a good husband. The thing is, is that I know how much she hates smokers, and I know that she will at least consider leaving me if I tell her that I smoke. Not just because I smoke, but because I've lied to her.

 

I need to find a way to tell her that I've started smoking again without her knowing that I've been doing it all along. I know it's not right, but it has to be the easiest way. I know at this point in my life that I don't want to quit smoking yet. I'm just not ready to quit. I know I will sometime in the future, but I can't keep hiding it from her.

 

Anybody have any suggestions?

[pvtpylot]

I'd be shocked if she doesn't already know. Most smokers don't comprehend just how much cigarette smoke reeks and hangs on to everything they wear. My suggestion would be to get serious about quitting now, and then tell her the whole truth after you've done it.

[JadeStar]

So you found a way for her not to smell it on you? Wow! What would that way be. I smoke, of course I always go outside cuz I don't want it in my house. Reguardless though it still smells. My husband and family know I do. The only time I didn't was when I was pregant with my kids and while nursing. I would just come out and tell her in the best way you can. I'm surprised she hasn't smelled it on you though, its not a smell that can be covered up to well with breath mints or perfumes etc. Maybe she already knows and is waiting and wondering when you will tell her.

 

 

 

Jade

[Debster]

As an ex smoker who took many, many times to quit, I needed my husband's support to help me quit. Well.. I mean I needed his understanding on the days when I would just snap because I wanted a smoke so bad. Smoking is an addiction. Get help. Tell your wife you're sorry but you fell off the wagon and you need her help.

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

She already knows.. A non smoker can smell a smoker 3 miles away .. on your clothes.. breath..

 

Just talk to her about it..

[Maria46]

She already knows. There isn't any possiblity that you could hide that from her.

[seahorse]

As Art_Critic says, she already knows. I have never smoked and I can tell a smoker the minute I meet them. It clings to everything.

I can tell which children in the school that I work in come from smoking households. Their hair, schoolbags and coats stink of it and I feel sorry for their poor little lungs, being subjected to passive smoking every day, not to mention the role model for health that they're seeing!

I know smoking is supposed to be very addictive, but you're killing yourself with those things, not to mention burning money every day.

Try to give up!

[quankanne]

believe me, honey, she knows you smoke. Maybe she's not saying anything out of respect since you're not bringing it into her environment -- I'm the same way with my husband. As long as he does it outside and changes shirts before coming to bed, I can pretty much handle it. It's only when folks are inconsiderate and insist on toxifying my breathing space that I get upset, because of my allergies.

 

bide your time until you fell strong enough to "confess" your vice -- she may be more understanding than you realize, especially if she knows that you have done your best to cut back or give up. I highly doubt this is cause for divorce, because she might feel that if this is the worst thing you do, she can happily live with it.

[kcitsmoob79]

I completely understand why everyone would think that she already knows that I smoke by being able to smell it on me. Trust me.....she doesn't. I have gone to great lengths to ensure that she doesn't smell it on me. Plus, she's is most certainly not the kind of person that would not say anything if she knew.

[she_9325]

you really need to bite the bullet and just come out with the WHOLE truth. she will eventually find out that you've been lying to her and imagine how p*ssed she'll be then. lying is just HURTFUL. she deserves the whole truth.

[whichwayisup]

Come home one day, stressed out and smelling like smoke. Then you tell her, "Honey, I'm smoking. I know you hate it and I hate that I am doing it, I'll try to quit but it won't be easy. I feel bad because I've been smoking on and off for (insert months/years - whatever you want to say) and I can't hide this from you anymore. Hope you understand."

 

You're not lying, you're now coming clean with her. Hopefully she'll understand.

[JadeStar]

Well if you have gone to great lengths to cover up the smell of the smoke, I couldn't imagine what else you would go to great lengths to do. My guess is, you need go to great lengths to tell her. Wheather she can smell it or not is really beside the point, the point is she thinks you have quit, its being deceitful, go ahead and tell her.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[ADM]

Try looking at it from her perspective. I'm going through the same thing with my fiance right now. I can't be in a relationship with a smoker, especially knowing what it's doing his lungs AND his wallet. Last August, I found out he was a 2 pack a day smoker. Naive little me had no idea because he told me he doesn't and I believed him (he explained away the stench by blaming it on co-workers.) I told him he had to quit, so he did.

 

Because of the lies and all the effort he went through to cover up his dirty little habit, I've been untrusting ever since. I truly believe he quit...for awhile...but I'm on to him again. Your wife is smarter than you give her credit for. She may be in denial, or is suspicious without enough evidence to convict you yet, but trust me, she knows. Unless you take a shower, change your clothes, do your own laundry, lather yourself in cologne, and swallow Listerine, she can smell it. Non-smokers CAN smell a smoker a mile away. I know my fiance is still smoking, and I'm just biding my time until I have proof. When she finds out, she'll be furious. Better save her the time and confess because she'll make you sorry for lying to her. Would you rather she find out from someone else?

[BeHappy24]

Your wife knows. It's better that she hears it from you than anyone else. She'll still be p*ssed, but less mad than if she caught you in the act or worse, heard it 3rd party. Non-smokers can smell a smoker from a mile away. It's in your hair, clothes, the back of your throat even after you brush your teeth. She's either in denial or biding her time until she has proof.

[bab]

I agree she knows. I got a library book and after is sat for a couple days, I picked it up and immediately could tell that whoever had it last was a smoker. You're in denial if you think she doesn't know. Come clean, you both will feel better for it.

[BeHappy24]

How are you covering it up? Reason I ask is because my fiancé seems to have found the habit again and I too, am biding my time until I have proof. He'll just deny it if I ask, so without evidence, my argument is pointless. But I know it's happening, and I'd like to catch him. Telling your wife the truth all comes down to your comfort level. You either tell her or you don't, and only you know what's best for you. I'd really like to hear your methods if you don't mind sharing!

[kcitsmoob79]

My methods change depending on the situation. Most of the time, I make sure that when I'm smoking I'm always walking. Some smoke will still get on my clothes, but at least I'm not just standing there soaking up all the smoke. I always wash my hands and face after smoking a cigarette, and I try to brush my teeth after smoking as well. At the very least I chew a piece of gum. I have found that Orbit gum does the best at covering up the smell. Last, I make sure not to smoke for at least a couple of hours before seeing my wife. That gives me a little time to air out.

[Art_Critic]

My methods change depending on the situation. Most of the time, I make sure that when I'm smoking I'm always walking. Some smoke will still get on my clothes, but at least I'm not just standing there soaking up all the smoke. I always wash my hands and face after smoking a cigarette, and I try to brush my teeth after smoking as well. At the very least I chew a piece of gum. I have found that Orbit gum does the best at covering up the smell. Last, I make sure not to smoke for at least a couple of hours before seeing my wife. That gives me a little time to air out.

 

 

She knows dude.. You are in denial .. A NON-SMOKER can smell it a mile away.. no matter what you try to do to cover it up.

If when you tell her she says she didn't know then she is just letting you save face..

 

Have you not let the fact that every poster here says she knows sink in yet ?

[noname]

I completely understand why everyone would think that she already knows that I smoke by being able to smell it on me. Trust me.....she doesn't. I have gone to great lengths to ensure that she doesn't smell it on me. Plus, she's is most certainly not the kind of person that would not say anything if she knew.

 

i believe you. not all people have that sensitive of a nose and as long as you are not smoking in enclosed spaces it is possible that it is not clinging to you. i would come clean but just not tell her that you have been doing it all along. maybe a little deceitful but you obviously don't have a problem with holding a little back. if it helps at all, i am almost in the same boat. except that my woman knows that i smoke on occasion as i have done it in front of her and made her accept that although i won't bring it into her world and that i won't smoke by the pack, i reserve the right to if that is what i want. i will not chain but i do enjoy smoking here and there and have made that apparent. that is how i know that it is possible for her not to know. i still feel guilty sometimes, mostly because i don't want to hear about it, i clean myself up. she is the kind of woman that cannot hold her tongue if she smells it, so if i make an effort not to smell like it, it works. she is a non-smoker and has a super sensitive nose.

 

the thing i would think about though is, and this is my guess, you are not just reluctant to tell her because of the deceit. you are also holding back because you will have to quit if you do come clean and that is something that you do not want to do. so, i would have a solid gameplan to deal with that. if it is your perogative to smoke and you feel like you should not have to quit, you better be prepared to let her know about that, because you are going to start the cycle all over again...

[kcitsmoob79]

Well I'm glad someone believes me.

 

It turns out I was right all along. When I got home from work last night, I told her we needed to talk. I started off with something that happened on Saturday night. I'm not going to elaborate on that incident except for to say that the word "divorce" came up more than once. I told her that we should seriously consider counseling, and ended it with, "and because I don't want to lie to you or have to hide it from you, I bought a pack of cigarettes today."

 

Of course, bawling ensued. She was already upset because of the counseling idea, and telling her that I started smoking again didn't help things any. She kept asking me why I would start smoking again after quitting 3 or 4 years ago. She told me that she was so proud of me because I had quit. And, of course, after all that she started to get pissed.

 

She told me that she want's us both to be healthy, so we can have healthy children. She told me that she doesn't want to watch as I grow old and eventually get sick and die from cancer. She said she doesn't want our children to see me get sick from smoking. She finally gave me an ultimatum: her or the cigarettes. She made it abundandtly apparent that she was serious. She wasn't going to stay with someone who didn't value their health.

 

Since there was no way for me to argue with her logic, I eventually gave in. I gave her my pack of cigarettes and she proceeded to tear them up and throw them away. She made me promise not to smoke anymore. So it pretty much went exactly the way I had figured it would. I told her, she got pissed, I gave in.

 

Am I still smoking behind her back? Yes. But I know that I need to quit, and I'm going to quit soon. I figure that smoking behind her back is creating more stress than the nicotine can relieve, so I might as well quit.

 

Feedback?

[TheDiva]

Yeah you might as well go ahead and quit, but you can't do it because you're told to quit........ You have got to WANT to quit to actually succeed at it. Try browsing around some sites geared toward quitting smoking. It kinda don't sound to me that she would be supportive of the process of quitting.. so maybe you should find someone to talk to that would be supportive in the processes of quitting. She is right to be concerned with your health but I can't really say I approve of the way she handled it. Ultimatum's rarely work in the long run, as they normally breed resentment. I would guess she has never had an addiction and can't be very sympathic to your plight, which will make it harder on yourself. Take it one step at a time.

 

Good Luck

[Art_Critic]

Am I still smoking behind her back? Yes.

 

So you lied to her ??? You sound like an upstanding guy

 

Quit smoking and then you won't have to lie to your wife and cause more problems in your marriage.

 

 

 

Remember the rules of smoking are "" if you smoke you die or you die of something smoking related""

 

I'm 42 and I have lost both of my parents to cancer from Smoking . 1 at age 50 then another at age 59

[BeHappy24]

I agree with Art Critic, that was a pretty shabby thing to do. You lied to her. And your attitude towards the situation and your wife stinks. You'll quit only if/when YOU want to, so spare yourself from playing the martyr. If you're going to smoke behind her back, you might as well do it in front of her.

[noname]

Yeah you might as well go ahead and quit, but you can't do it because you're told to quit........ You have got to WANT to quit to actually succeed at it. Try browsing around some sites geared toward quitting smoking. It kinda don't sound to me that she would be supportive of the process of quitting.. so maybe you should find someone to talk to that would be supportive in the processes of quitting. She is right to be concerned with your health but I can't really say I approve of the way she handled it. Ultimatum's rarely work in the long run, as they normally breed resentment. I would guess she has never had an addiction and can't be very sympathic to your plight, which will make it harder on yourself. Take it one step at a time.

 

Good Luck

 

beat me to the punch TheDiva. and almost my exact words...

[RainyDayWoman]

if she doesn't know you're still smoking, she must be very, very easily fooled OR willing to be believe your lies to avoid arguments.

 

it doesn't matter how much gum you chew, how often you wash your clothes, how much cologne/perfume you spray...that smell stays with you, somewhere.

 

i would know. i am a smoker, and the thing i hate about it most (besides the inconvenience, the price, and the fact that it kills you) is the way that the smell clings to everything.

 

i never thought i would get addicted. same old story. i quit once (well, half-quit, it didn't last) for 6 months. even after washing my clothes MANY,MANY times, that smell was STILL THERE.

 

i saw my ex-roommate go through the same thing--her boyfriend hated smoking, she lied and said she quit, he saw right through it because there's no hiding it, but he didn't want to argue or be lied to anymore so he stopped bringing it up.

 

unless she's a total moron (and i am not saying she is) she knows you smoke. if you're going to lie to her, you might as well just quit. and if you're not going to quit, you may as well stop lying.

 

it might be easier to quit if you tell the truth and she helps you through it.