How do I tell my wife that I smoke?

[NewLee40]

My mom has been hiding her smoking habit from my dad for over 30 years. Its really ridiculous, what she goes through to hide it.

 

People say the same thing to me when I tell the story. They insist he has to know. But, I don't think he does - at least not on a conscious level. I think one reason he doesn't know is that he's just used to her smell. She works hard to hide it and is pretty fastidious in terms of where she smokes and what she does to cover her tracks.

 

However, every now and then he will run across a receipt somewhere, or her private stash of butts and they will have a knock down drag out fight. He always acts totally surprised. I think on some level he knows she's not really quitting, but something in him wants to believe it so bad that he might ignore the obvious signs.

 

I recommend you come clean. There is something really wrong with a relationship where you are hiding something so important. You are together in sickness and in health, and if you are consciously compromising your health as WELL as being dishonest.

 

I know its hard to quit. But, its easier to at least be honest. She deserves it and so do you.

[RainyDayWoman]

 

I think on some level he knows she's not really quitting, but something in him wants to believe it so bad that he might ignore the obvious signs.

 

I recommend you come clean. There is something really wrong with a relationship where you are hiding something so important. You are together in sickness and in health, and if you are consciously compromising your health as WELL as being dishonest.

 

I know its hard to quit. But, its easier to at least be honest. She deserves it and so do you.

 

exactly--on all three points.

[clandestinidad]

sorry about this, but do you have more than half a brain?? duh.....

 

you lie for 2 yrs, finally see how much pain it causes her for your family life and personal health, and then decide to keep lying.....how very selfish of you...no wonder your marriage needs some intervention with the lengths you go to so that you can continue to be selfish, and whatever else goes on there

 

also, you wont only be getting CANCER from smoking, you'll also get a delightful deadly disease called COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), which has 2 variations: chronic bronchitis, and emphysema. I wont go into all of the details, but with COPD you will suffer a few years and die. It affects your whole body in numerous ways, especially the lungs, obviously, and the heart....you will get CHF (congestive heart failure) which has a pluthora of problems in itself. Through my experience in the medical field, I can tell you flat out that EVERY single person we've seen with a history of smoking for a number of years has COPD. Ive watched heart surgeries on these people. People even DIE during their surgeries b/c their body is so ravaged by the effects of smoking, they cant handle the surgery. I've seen these people suffer every day. Its horrible. Its even more sad that even if these people havent smoked for 10 or 20 years, they still get it.

 

so by being selfish, keeping your habit, lying for years, and being careless with your wife's feelings (and your own health) you will also be burdening her with your future healthcare issues, suffering, and death...and do you think she'll remember you well for doing that?!?

[RainyDayWoman]

 

so by being selfish, keeping your habit, lying for years, and being careless with your wife's feelings (and your own health) you will also be burdening her with your future healthcare issues, suffering, and death...and do you think she'll remember you well for doing that?!?

 

makes you wonder if, even at that point, he'll be saying in front of her " but i don't understand, i quit 15 years ago!!! *wink wink* " to the doctor.

[NewLee40]

makes you wonder if, even at that point, he'll be saying in front of her " but i don't understand, i quit 15 years ago!!! *wink wink* " to the doctor.

 

That's another important point. My mom can never be honest with doctor's and surgeons about her smoking because she's afraid dad will hear or find out from her records.

 

She's jeopardizing her health by witholding this important info as well.

 

When she broke her ankle, I had strict instructions that if somethign happened and she died during the surgery I was to remove all evidence of her smoking so dad wouldn't find it. (Her stash of cigarrettes, where she hid the butts, etc...) It would be funny if it wasn't so tragically sad.

 

She did have trouble breathing after the anesthesia...it was scary.

[clandestinidad]

yeah, that IS sad...

 

I wanted to clarify what I said earlier: the sooner the person quits, their body is able to start healing. So the effects arent as bad if you quit 20 years ago. You'll still have damage, but not as serious.

 

obviously if someones' smoked for 25 years, and theyre now 65, its too late. But if they've smoked for 10 years, and theyre 35, then the body can start healing.

[KelvinKDX]

Do you want a meaningful relationship with this woman or not!?

 

As much as it may hurt the truth is almost always better than lies. This is not just a friend - this is your wife. You should have enough respect for her to be able to talk to her with whatever is on your mind and whatever you are doing. Make her a part of your life.

 

You smoke - you will not quite until YOU want to. Trust me on that as i smoke too.

 

Tell her the truth. Do not continue to lie. Your relationship will grow as you two work together to solve issues. Don't think that this is the most tramatic thing that will ever happen to you. It is just one thing throughout your lives that you two will need to solve together.

[candy]

hmm..the reason I happened to fall upon this web page in the first place was to find out why men lie. I recently found out through a stranger that my husband smokes. Like your wife it was a huge issue for me, for my hubby to be a smoker, and so at the beggining of the relationship he had told me he stopped.I had issues with smoking cuz I watched my darling grandfather die from it. I dont know if I would be so anti-smoking if I had not had that experience. Anyhow, as a result of that I dont really trust him anymore and REALLY want to cuz thats what marriages are built upon. I suggest 2 things. Either you talk to ur wife again and explain to her that you need her support to quit and that you will! or let smoking win and get a divorce. but Please dont lie to her, you dont undestand how much it hurts. and if she finds out again you can pretty much guarantee that your marriage will be over anyways. Maybe you lied in the first place cuz you didnt want her to judge you and make you feel small thats at least maybe why my husband lied. Read more about smoking and its effects and then see if your still not ready to quit. Good luck and please be honest =)

[km]

I, too, came to this thread about the LYING, and not the smoking. I was happy to see that you don't want to lie, and that you feel ashamed for having done so for so long. From the wife's perspective, I know that I've not made it easy for my husband to admit that he still smokes (he thinks I don't know, I do, I caught him today, he got pissed at me, for some reason). I used to smoke. I quit easily. I guess I see the inability to quit as a sign of a weak character. But, more than that, I saw the continued lying about it as a sign that our marriage really doesn't matter to him much. I've literally NEVER lied to him, since we've been married, and he's often a dick that deserves to be lied to.

 

I'm curious if it turns out that your wife sees the smoking or the lying as the bigger issue. If it's the smoking, I think you're a lucky man.

[Trimmer]

I can't help but point out the parallels between the feelings and experiences being expressed here regarding "lying about smoking" and those often discussed in threads on affairs and the pain and hurt of infidelity.

 

(he thinks I don't know, I do, I caught him today, he got pissed at me, for some reason). ... I saw the continued lying about it as a sign that our marriage really doesn't matter to him much.

 

You could drop that statement right into a discussion of an affair being discovered - go do a search in the infidelity forum and you'll find that scenario repeated over and over again.

 

Having a feeling of attraction for another person, or an addiction to cigarettes isn't, of itself, initially the problem. The question is, what behavior do you choose to exhibit? If you continue the behavior you know you shouldn't, and if you hide your problem - and especially if you lie about it to continue hiding it - then you are corroding away the bond of your marriage from the inside.

 

Now, back to the Infidelity forum, where I'm sure one could use that last paragraph verbatim in any number of different posts.

[RecordProducer]

you wont only be getting CANCER from smoking, you'll also get a delightful deadly disease called COPD

:lmao: You won't just die, but you will also develop COPD (unknown whether before or after you die).

 

That's not all, you will die of mulitple diseases that will develop at different periods of your life. But first - your wife will kill you.

 

You only smoke a few cigarettes a day and not even every day so... (finish the sentence yourself). I am a smoker and I definitely plan to quit some day.

 

In any case, this has turned the OP's question on how to tell his wife into lobbying him to quit smoking. Many people still smoke and it's probably futile to try and convert everyone into a health nut. I wonder why people don't jump so high about abuse of drugs or obessity. At least smoking doesn't change you mentally and is long-term equally unhealthy as being overweight. But indeed many people accept drugs as a matter of choice and comfort overweighed people with the "looks don't matter, your husband should love you even if you weigh 200 lbs" crap. Why don't you list all the diseases that arise from being OW instead?

 

It's sad that the OP has to hide his habit from his wife instead of having her support in the attempt to quit. If she would dump him over that then she is not worth his love.

 

Having a feeling of attraction for another person, or an addiction to cigarettes isn't, of itself, initially the problem. The question is, what behavior do you choose to exhibit? If you continue the behavior you know you shouldn't, and if you hide your problem - and especially if you lie about it to continue hiding it - then you are corroding away the bond of your marriage from the inside.

 

In other words, if you have sex with a person outside your marriage it's bad, but hiding the sex is even worse! You should at least share the juicy details with your spouse! Tz-tz-tz... some selfish people out there! :lmao: