Hope for dating - do you have faith?

[Mkn1010]

If you are in the dating world of today, do you actually BELIEVE you will find that right person who cherishes you and vice versa?

 

Has anyone here found someone with whom there is such a mutual respect and care that all the pain of the dating past seems worth it?

 

Is it silly to think that one day, someone will not trigger you about all the people who have let you down, lied, ghosted, manipulated, cheated etc? That someone will NOT make you feel bad about YOU?

 

Are there eligible people over 30 who WILL be emotionally available and communicate with you about issues?

 

If you are innocent at heart, do you feel constantly broken down by being hurt again and again?

 

How do you maintain hope in today's dating climate?

[ktmiller222]

I am over 30 an I am just dying to find mr.right....it is so hard...I feel like the more you meet people, the more disappointed you are...chivalry is dead in my mind. for years, people have said "oh you'll meet him"....years come and go and there is no one! i try to have hope....

[Crazyalex84]

I'm over 30 too, gentlemen, chivalrous, I cook, I like to get to know the one I like and not only looking at the "shell".

 

But when I see the girl I like with a stupid little boy who absolutely doesn't deserve her, doesn't make everything possible to make her the happiest women in the world and take her for granted, well, I tell myself that the problem may be not me finally...

 

We now live in a world where how we looks like and/or how much money we have in our bank account is more important than the real things.

 

I still believe it is possible to find someone because there is still great people out there with good values. So don't get discouraged and keep smiling!

 

Sorry for the rant.

[basil67]

all the people who have let you down, lied, ghosted, manipulated, cheated etc? That someone will NOT make you feel bad about YOU?

 

I know you're looking to find solidarity, but I am going to offer you some constructive advice. I wouldn't date someone who spoke about their past like this. Sure there's bad luck and we all have to end a few unsuitable relationships. We may even find ourselves in a toxic relationship which needs to be ended.... but if someone described their past as having been so hurt in so many ways I'd be thinking that they are the constant.

 

I would guess that the person lacks resilience OR gets hooked on people way too early and are shattered when things don't work out OR they tend to blame others for issues instead of looking internally OR make very bad choices in who they date OR can't take responsibility for their own contributions to the problem. A far better option is a date who has their emotions together and generally looks back at their exes without such distress.

 

I'm not saying you necessarily do this, but that's a lot of baggage to be carting around for someone who's relatively new to dating after a LTR ended.

 

Perhaps it's time to delve back into your past and put to rest some of the baggage. Figure out why you feel so victimised and see what you can do give your problems more perspective.

[Sm12345]

Yes, I have found it a few times. Obviously not the one though, because I’m currently single.

[Mkn1010]

I know you're looking to find solidarity, but I am going to offer you some constructive advice. I wouldn't date someone who spoke about their past like this. Sure there's bad luck and we all have to end a few unsuitable relationships. We may even find ourselves in a toxic relationship which needs to be ended.... but if someone described their past as having been so hurt in so many ways I'd be thinking that they are the constant.

 

I would guess that the person lacks resilience OR gets hooked on people way too early and are shattered when things don't work out OR they tend to blame others for issues instead of looking internally OR make very bad choices in who they date OR can't take responsibility for their own contributions to the problem. A far better option is a date who has their emotions together and generally looks back at their exes without such distress.

 

I'm not saying you necessarily do this, but that's a lot of baggage to be carting around for someone who's relatively new to dating after a LTR ended.

 

Perhaps it's time to delve back into your past and put to rest some of the baggage. Figure out why you feel so victimised and see what you can do give your problems more perspective.

 

I guess I described my past like that because I JUST got ghosted, so I think that pain is still fresh, probably a bit dramatic!

 

I wouldn’t say the last 1.5 years is new to dating, but maybe it is for people who literally do this cr* p for years on end!

 

So if you are saying that I could be the constant, and clearly you have read my prior threads as you seem to know some things about me that are not written above, what is your actual opinion? I have made threads on the guys I have dated post my ex, including the recent ghoster but do not believe you commented on that one. If you thought my behaviour was a contributing factor or that I needed to take responsibility, I would have liked to hear that feedback.

It’s hard for me to pick up on it from the inside.

 

My guess is that I pick people that trigger my wounded inner child. I won’t even elaborate because that topic is extensive. But I did (still do from time to see) seek out professional help to “take responsibility” for my contribution in these scenarios. My counsellor as well as brutally honest people in my life tell me I did nothing wrong in these dating situationships aside from picking a goose (with the exception of my ex who I stayed with long after the expiry date of that hell ride).

 

Appreciate your opinion!

[Cookiesandough]

Good question. I think I do. Mostly because I am okay with spending the rest of my life single. I would be just as happy about that(possibly more) I think my case may be different, though. I'm in my 20s and I don't plan on having children. I don't think I'd care to get married if I found a mate. But a lot of people want marriage and a family and it's understandable. So I can see how it might feel pressing and hopeless when especially after bad experiences, meeting duds, etc. and there are a lot of them. And it probably becomes hard to keep a positive attitude against all that. Also, I think people are used to/love being in relationships which is understandable too. But it's probably harder if you force it. I really believe in that "when you stop caring, results come" thing. Or Camus's “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”

[hercules22]

i lost faith in online dating i dont get i match with these girls then when it comes to time when i ask for their number they go missing why even have a conversation in the first place if you have zero intention of actually meeting it like they know if they give it i will call and ask for a date lol

 

guess i have bad luck or something matching with people who just after attention

[basil67]

I guess I described my past like that because I JUST got ghosted, so I think that pain is still fresh, probably a bit dramatic!

 

I wouldn’t say the last 1.5 years is new to dating, but maybe it is for people who literally do this cr* p for years on end!

 

So if you are saying that I could be the constant, and clearly you have read my prior threads as you seem to know some things about me that are not written above, what is your actual opinion? I have made threads on the guys I have dated post my ex, including the recent ghoster but do not believe you commented on that one. If you thought my behaviour was a contributing factor or that I needed to take responsibility, I would have liked to hear that feedback.

It’s hard for me to pick up on it from the inside.

 

My guess is that I pick people that trigger my wounded inner child. I won’t even elaborate because that topic is extensive. But I did (still do from time to see) seek out professional help to “take responsibility” for my contribution in these scenarios. My counsellor as well as brutally honest people in my life tell me I did nothing wrong in these dating situationships aside from picking a goose (with the exception of my ex who I stayed with long after the expiry date of that hell ride).

 

Appreciate your opinion!

 

Actually I truly was commenting broadly. I simply have alarm bells go off with people who see themselves as being really hard done by from everyone in their past.

 

But if you were exaggerating, then perhaps it's more about you simply not being ready to date right now as opposed to carrying around too much baggage.

 

If I see anything in your threads, I will come back to the topic.

[PegNosePete]

If you are in the dating world of today, do you actually BELIEVE you will find that right person who cherishes you and vice versa?

I'm not, but when I was, I did. Simply because it's a numbers game. If you keep meeting people then eventually chances are that you will meet someone you're compatible with. Of course it's not a numbers game of pure chance like roulette; you have to put in effort, try your hardest, be selective, and put your best foot forward not only to give yourself the best chance of meeting the right person, but also to recognise when you have. You can't just keep meeting random people and expect the relationship fairy to bless you one day.

 

perhaps it's more about you simply not being ready to date right now

That was my thoughts too. Talk of triggering, being let down, ghosted, manipulated, cheated etc would make me steer well clear. It suggests you're not ready to date and those issues will be taken out on me. No thanks. Whether that will be overcome by a break from dating or whether it needs therapy, I don't know. But having those issues is certainly not a good way to start a meaningful relationship and it will put off many stable, sensible people. The ones that won't be put off by it are the ones with issues of their own.

[basil67]

Actually I truly was commenting broadly. I simply have alarm bells go off with people who see themselves as being really hard done by from everyone in their past.

 

But if you were exaggerating, then perhaps it's more about you simply not being ready to date right now as opposed to carrying around too much baggage.

 

If I see anything in your threads, I will come back to the topic.

 

Ok, coming back to you now.

 

You seem to have been doing a lot of chatting to guys online. Or seeing guys for a few dates. I would say that if you're using those words to describe the actions of someone you're only talking to or have only met a few times, then you're over investing yourself. This early in, keep it casual in your mind. By all means, have fun and enjoy yourself, but be mentally prepared for the high odds of it not working (reflection on OLD not reflection of you). It doesn't mean you should be cynical about everyone, just don't expect too much of someone you barely know.

 

Of course, it's different if you've been fooled by someone who you've been in a committed relationship of longer than six months. By then you would naturally be more invested and trusting.