I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how

[unit1]

I need to get out of here. Dunno what about my son. Hurts so bad to be around her... She is so ****ing cold. I think she dumped me , that is it. But for some sick reason she keeps me around. Telling me I can stay forever.... Wtf is going on

Then she becomes the woman u don't know who she is now ......

what is her education background?

she seems like a silly young woman?

the new man catches her heart .

but I have a gut feeling their relationship won't last longer.....

[Lostsoul2515]

Then she becomes the woman u don't know who she is now ......

what is her education background?

she seems like a silly young woman?

the new man catches her heart .

but I have a gut feeling their relationship won't last longer.....

 

She didn't went to college. She is 44 years old. He childhood was a mess. Dad was a drinker, mom is a Xanax addict. Ex Husband was mentally abusive as far as I know. Our relationship was like a fairytale, so I thought.....

 

If you guys would seen her before and now... She never was a cruel or hateful person. Right now she would scare satan. It is like she never knew me, like she instantly forgot all we had and all I went through for her and with her. I was there in her darkest times when she almost couldn't take the pain anymore (son was abducted by his father),no one came to help her or hold her, just me.... It always felt like this special bond when two souls become one..... It is so unreal....

[unit1]

She didn't went to college. She is 44 years old. He childhood was a mess. Dad was a drinker, mom is a Xanax addict. Ex Husband was mentally abusive as far as I know. Our relationship was like a fairytale, so I thought.....

 

If you guys would seen her before and now... She never was a cruel or hateful person. Right now she would scare satan. It is like she never knew me, like she instantly forgot all we had and all I went through for her and with her. I was there in her darkest times when she almost couldn't take the pain anymore (son was abducted by his father),no one came to help her or hold her, just me.... It always felt like this special bond when two souls become one..... It is so unreal....

I see.....

u were her real father to hold her, the lover to nurture her.....

then now she is growing into "adult", the "inner child"is growing, but not totally grown up yet, so she is in her psychological puberty, so she made an affair with a new man.

 

this bond is mostly only for you, u have the heroism character,

I did the same before, the partner got it from me, and left .

[DKT3]

I see.....

u were her real father to hold her, the lover to nurture her.....

then now she is growing into "adult", the "inner child"is growing, but not totally grown up yet, so she is in her psychological puberty, so she made an affair with a new man.

 

this bond is mostly only for you, u have the heroism character,

I did the same before, the partner got it from me, and left .

 

Yeah, this isn't about him. Nothing he did caused her to be unfaithful.

 

The problem is, like most betrayed spouses he is blind to who she REALLY is. He has this romanticized view of who he wanted her to be. Now, he needs to see her for who she is. Again it's not about his flaws, he feels bad enough without people blaming him even in a back handed way.

[unit1]

She never was a cruel or hateful person. Right now she would scare satan. It is like she never knew me,....

 

The inner monster is awaken......

her life was terrible when she was child and etc, this inner monster was always there , the hatred the anger ,the revenge......she feels the whole world owes her something.

[Lowrider93]

She wants the freedom to do what she wants while you

sit at home raising your son, not only does she not want

you but she doesn't want the responsibility of raising your son.

You caught her in the early stages of her romance and she

was not prepared to make any changes yet, she doesn't know

where she stands with her new relationship yet, he may dump her.

 

Don't be her safety net, it's all or nothing! Right now!

[oldlion]

Is the boy your son or stepson? If it is your stepson then there isn't really anything holding you back. Just leave. The longer you stay the more abuse you are in for. I don't understand standing in the line of fire when nothing is holding you back. I do wish you well.

[Road To Happiness]

I see all the others giving you sage advice, but you don't want to take it at this stage. I think that is typical but I wish there were a way to make you see.

 

Maybe it is easier for women to see this than men. But the bottom line is what everyone else has said - respect. She has to respect you, and she does not now. While you beg and plead, you go down on the 'respect' scale for her.

 

You need to Man up. Suck it up. You have no choice. You are being given no choice, so if you want a chance again with your wife (while I don't know why you would) then you NEED to act like a man. Not cry and whine. But be strong, act like you don't need her (like SHE is doing!), and proceed to move on with your life. The Pick Me dance will not work. Please believe the experienced people here. You posted here for a reason .... now please hear all of that advice.

[unit1]

U don't want to leave, cos u love her deeply, u leave your own country behind for her, and u still want to "save"her .....

 

If u can tame this "monster" of her, then stay.

if u cant, then keep a distance, keep yourself safe for the first,

and u need to learn something new , new knowledge soon.

cos she/the "monster"is going to make new mess/drama soon.....

 

I feel her new man is same type as she, a "male monster", they have things in common, and they feel very connected right now.

but soon, they both will run out of the battery,

she will come to beg u for financial or whatever help again.....

 

u need to be strong, and learn new knowledge to face that.

 

u have done your part as a hero, and that part is no regret, u did the right thing.

but if someone turn around and become a betrayed snake, u don't need to be the victim, either.

usually a heroism character would die for the person, we just want to sacrifice,

but it is not wise........

[wmacbride]

your wife met someone randomly online and went to hotel room with him?

she seems to be ......

or I m feeling your marriage already had some problems,

do u ever feel lacking real communication during the last few years ,

or you both just care about work, daily life, kids etc....no exciting romantic fun ?

 

sometimes a woman ,especially she stays home all day , when she feels the marriage is only about cooking, washing, kids etc, she feel she is buried, she wants to find something to break this.

 

then she actually knows she is wrong, but she also desperately needs such kind of "break",....

 

if she is a wise woman she will seek such "break"from elsewhere, or find a counselor, or just do random chat online with men but no real action.

 

we r all human.

nobody is perfect.

I m not standing by her side, just trying to understand what's wrong.......

 

Fiddlesticks.

 

At some point, one has to grow up and be an adult. She had choices here, and she made the one to cheat. That is 100 percent on her.

[wmacbride]

She didn't went to college. She is 44 years old. He childhood was a mess. Dad was a drinker, mom is a Xanax addict. Ex Husband was mentally abusive as far as I know. Our relationship was like a fairytale, so I thought.....

 

If you guys would seen her before and now... She never was a cruel or hateful person. Right now she would scare satan. It is like she never knew me, like she instantly forgot all we had and all I went through for her and with her. I was there in her darkest times when she almost couldn't take the pain anymore (son was abducted by his father),no one came to help her or hold her, just me.... It always felt like this special bond when two souls become one..... It is so unreal....

 

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds to me like she used you. you were there for her when she needed someone, and now that she is in a better place, she feels that she no longer needs you.

 

Mind you, if she is mentally ill, all bets are off. Please know that, no matter how much you might want to, you can't help her. She has to do that for herself, and until she does, her life will be out of control. Your will too ( and your son's) if you choose to stay with her. Her chaotic behavior isn't good for him at all.

[road]

your wife met someone randomly online and went to hotel room with him?

she seems to be ......

or I m feeling your marriage already had some problems,

do u ever feel lacking real communication during the last few years ,

or you both just care about work, daily life, kids etc....no exciting romantic fun ?

 

sometimes a woman ,especially she stays home all day , when she feels the marriage is only about cooking, washing, kids etc, she feel she is buried, she wants to find something to break this.

 

then she actually knows she is wrong, but she also desperately needs such kind of "break",....

 

if she is a wise woman she will seek such "break"from elsewhere, or find a counselor, or just do random chat online with men but no real action.

 

we r all human.

nobody is perfect.

I m not standing by her side, just trying to understand what's wrong.......

 

There never can be justification to cheat.

[unit1]

There never can be justification to cheat.

 

it is not for justification, it is for digging the deep about her.

[wmacbride]

it is not for justification, it is for digging the deep about her.

 

This is not the role of the op. The only one who can do this deep digging is his ww herself, and right,now, it doens't seem as if she is inclined to do this.

 

No one is capable of peering into another person's mind, and if he tries, he will be flying blind and will only end up tying himself in knots.

 

The only motives he can truly know are his own.This means that the only actions he has any control over are his own. Wasting mental energy and time trying to figure her out is time and energy wasted. He needs to focus on himself right now, especially where, from what he indicates, he is the one who is is stable and there is a young boy to think about. He needs at least one parent who is in a good place mentally, and right now, that is not his mother.

 

btw, none of this means the op's ww is some sort of evil harpy who sole goal in life is to cause him pain. Whatever her motives may or may not be, that is the end result, and the op needs to protect himself. He may never know why she has chosen to act as she has, and until she can sort herself out,none of that really matters anyway.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Ah, hell! I'm gonna say it....Unit 1 had been "white knighting" other infidelity threads as well. He is either a troll or he/she is delusional. Unit 1 finds some meaningless characteristic from the BS to justify the WW cheating. And never condemning the act or the WS. Typical "white knight" behavior.

[Lostsoul2515]

Thank you all for your help again.

 

Right now it's just a roller coaster of madness. 2 Weeks ago i was married to a wonderful caring woman. Now i live with the devil.

 

I wish i could change something, i wish there was a chance. But it is over... she walked away and never came back. I feel lost, confused and desperate. It's not the money or anything, it's the question "why" ......What has happened.

 

I know what she told me is true, i wasn't always the best husband. But by no means i was so cruel or evil. All she told me, nothing was on purpose. She never took me aside and let me know we have major problems or that she feels so bad.. she never gave me that. I would have moved the world for her. I was always here for her, i told her this a 1000 times. I didn't see that she needed a hug or a weekend off so bad, but i was here for her.

 

We were a fairy tail, the way we met and all the obstacles we went thru to be together......and now it is a horror show.

 

She is cruel to everyone. We have a bunch of cats. Strays who needed help and we took em in over the years. She always cared and was loving. I knew she wanted a puppy, but somehow we got more cats. She told me now he hates them and i had to have them, so she could not have her puppy. 5 of them were born behind the couch. She was there and helped the moma to give birth, they were like her babys. Right now she is only yelling at them in pure hate. This morning one of them went into the bedroom (were she hides all day when she is home) and she had to take the cat out like 3 times. Out of a sudden she yelled "****ing Cats, i wish you all would die"... and it sounded like she meant it, not like you are upset and talk some ****, no she meant it. My Stepson shook his head and whispered omg...

 

My Stepson is not easy. The breakup from his bio dad was hard for him. He then got abducted by this guy and had to go to all those fears and the court ****. She never talked with him about it and neither did i. I was scared that i open some wounds that only she could close.

This morning he was grumpy as always. He asked her for breakfast (every morning she made some). She told him to make his own and find something. He got some attitude (no super bad, kid like), then she went of on him and told him that if he treats her like trash, so will she then treat him the same.... He is 13....

 

I had a chat yesterday with her, i asked when did she decide that this is over. She said she didn't. I told her she did, she did from the day she came back. She never picked me up, she never said we can do this together, she kept hurting me and beat me down every time i saw hope. I asked her again and she said that when i told her to shoot me instead of killing me slowly, that was the point. She was so scared bla bla bla..... I told her she drove to such a stupid point, she got angry. This incident is all she holds on now. Nothing else matters and she explains and excuses all with it. I am sure she told her weekend friend same **** and he thinks now i am dangerous and abusive....It feels that she caught him with this in her web, cause before they weren't texting or so, now they do everyday. She also told her mom she said. Her mom and dad offered me already shelter and all help with becoming a citizen. It feels like she tries to isolate me and tell everyone i am the evil....

 

She still goes from i care for you to i don't mind if you die......

 

2 weeks ago she was my life and my angel, now she is a demon

[ARAMCOMAN]

My man you need to stop with the self pity party and toughen up. yep the W you had is gone & not coming back. So do something about it instead of meandering down memory lane & thinking about how great it used to be before your WW decided to have sex with another man & is shoving the fact in your face.

[d0nnivain]

If in 2 weeks she went from a loving wife to this shrieking lunatic who is yelling at the cats, consider suggesting she get a brain scan or MRI. If the personality change was that drastic, there is a possibility that she has a brain tumor. It's more likely that she just finally got sick of holding it all in but . . .you never know.

[Lostsoul2515]

I am slowly getting my pride back, thanks to you guys. Everyday i tell myself now that she is gone and won't come back, in fact she left that day and she never returned. I know her best friend is also an evil influence, because this woman life since 20 years with a husband roommate. She cheated and didn't care about him. Now he is on hard drugs and has another woman. Now this girl cry's like a baby that he has someone.... how sick.

 

She won't get any scan or help whatsoever. Just mentioning anything like this triggers pure rage. A friend who has a depressive mom, told me that she seem to have the ultimate breakdown. When she went out and cheated it started, but then i caught her right away, her parents knew, the sheriffs knocked on the door... he little adventure became her nightmare and she lost it all in her head. That might be why she is so cruel to me, because she thinks it went from hot and dirty freedom, back to blaming hell. He think she is complete broken down and no one can get her out of it, just reality. That means i have to start showing her what is real and that means not giving in her madness, standing up to it. He also said and i belive he is right, that the sex she had and want, she needs a master and not a slave. As long as i am acting as a slave, she will not care a second or even start to think. I think he is right because what she had was exactly this. The guy was her master and hurt her (i saw the marks and wounds) and she told me she wanted him to beat the **** out of her. I am a slave on the floor, so she spits on me and runs back to the master.

 

Its hard not only because i lost all i loved, also because my future was with her and now there is nothing and i have to find a way to get up and see were and how to go. So far anger helps a lot. Forgiveness and love only make me weak again and i start being her little whiny slave again.

[wmacbride]

op,it sounds like you are close to her mom and dad. Is there any way that your stepson can spend a bit of time with them in their home? It really sounds like he needs to get out of the middle of all this crap.

 

While he's doing that ( and you know he is safe and cared for) you can spend some time figuring out your next steps, She sounds volatile, and she has no business taking it out on her son - or you.

[road]

it is not for justification, it is for digging the deep about her.

 

There is nothing deep to dig. She wanted it. She false

justified it to allow it to happen.

[Lostsoul2515]

Her parents are ok with him, but can't take him for so much. They are also a mess, big part of her psycho stuff.

 

I always wanted to protect and shelter her. But now i can't anymore. She is on the way to total self-destruction. At the if she does not come back into reality she will loose everything. She lost me and she will loose her son, her parents and god knows what else.All that matters now for her is this false feeling of power and freedom, the feeling she has in her bdsm stuff with that guy. If the dude would know half of whats going on i bet he would run...... This is all so messed up and numbing.

[Lowrider93]

Lost you bring up a good point.

In my marriage my ex knew if there was any issues

or complaints she could voice her feelings anytime.

So why is it that all of a sudden when they decide that it's

over do they have big list of all your do's and don'ts.

They don't want you to fix anything, they need some way

to justify their misdeeds.

Guilt is as Guilty does!

 

Hang in there brother.

[Lostsoul2515]

Lost you bring up a good point.

In my marriage my ex knew if there was any issues

or complaints she could voice her feelings anytime.

So why is it that all of a sudden when they decide that it's

over do they have big list of all your do's and don'ts.

They don't want you to fix anything, they need some way

to justify their misdeeds.

Guilt is as Guilty does!

 

Hang in there brother.

 

Thanks brother.

 

I tried to figure out why all this hate and pain is on me, the only one who stood by her in good and bad. I am not a Psychologist, but i think i might know?

 

When she went out cheating, it was her first time. She was nervous and almost called it off, but then went for it. After it happened, she felt free and full of power and everything was so great because she did what she wanted.

But then bam... reality knocked on the door in form of a sheriff... and her bubble busted.. she realized i know, her parents know, god knows who else. She was asked if she was there on free will, told that i reported her missing.

This super great Illusion shattered in that moment and it was so much too take that she flipped some switch. And from there she started blaming me for it all, because i brought back what she feared the most..Reality. Since she had no plans and didn't know how to keep everything running and happy, she also panicked, needed something to hold on, to justify what she had done. And then there was i. So in love, so hurt so weak, so scared.. and she took the opportunity and blamed it all on me, used all i said and did against me and it worked.... she was the hero who had done nothing wrong, i was the crying little dog who had snapped after her hand by accident.

 

I think right now when she snaps and tells the cats to die and threaten her son to sent him to hell (His dad in Florida) it's because reality hits her and that hurts or shocks her so much that she reacts with denial and pure hate, because she want to run from all this, she wants to live in this little illusion.

 

God knows what will happen when reality hits her real hard. That day will come. In what form ever, she has to wake up if she wants to or not.

[S2B]

It's the same theory as a drug addict.

 

You can't control it and you didn't cause it.

 

You can't change her - you can only change yourself. Take charge of YOUR life and YOUR future! Do that, based on the assumption that she is not going to change at all.