I want to fight for my wife.... But don't know how

[Lostsoul2515]

Well about my step son...

 

The last 5 years i wasn't the greatest dad. He is spoiled and extreme respect less. He often treated my wife more like a bad husband than a son. I always went into protection mode and kept yelling. I never abused him, but i also didn't spent super much time with him. He is a troubled boy. My goal was to raise him for the future, to be strong, but i forgot he was a kid. I punished him easy (no computer,ps4...never ever beat him).

 

This is one thing she told me make her come to whatever point she is. That it felt to her sometimes, that i want the kid to be gone. That i was jealous of him and kept punishing him for pleasure. I told her often that i do it so he can survive out there, because the way he is, he will not make it. She told me that sometimes this were the only moments she wished i left, when i was cruel.

 

I needed to say that because i feel it's important for the whole picture, i am no Saint. On the other side i feel like i make another excuse for her, because she didn't care much for him either, was easily set off and as i told you is now very harsh with him.

 

Dunno, just wanted to get this of my mind. Nothing to hide and i will accept all **** that is on me.

[unit1]

Ah, hell! I'm gonna say it....Unit 1 had been "white knighting" other infidelity threads as well. He is either a troll or he/she is delusional. Unit 1 finds some meaningless characteristic from the BS to justify the WW cheating. And never condemning the act or the WS. Typical "white knight" behavior.

where did I ever white knighting other infidelity threads?where did I protect the cheater?

also ,why r u so angry and trying to make the husband even more into fire of anger?

[S2B]

Well about my step son...

 

The last 5 years i wasn't the greatest dad. He is spoiled and extreme respect less. He often treated my wife more like a bad husband than a son. I always went into protection mode and kept yelling. I never abused him, but i also didn't spent super much time with him. He is a troubled boy. My goal was to raise him for the future, to be strong, but i forgot he was a kid. I punished him easy (no computer,ps4...never ever beat him).

 

This is one thing she told me make her come to whatever point she is. That it felt to her sometimes, that i want the kid to be gone. That i was jealous of him and kept punishing him for pleasure. I told her often that i do it so he can survive out there, because the way he is, he will not make it. She told me that sometimes this were the only moments she wished i left, when i was cruel.

 

I needed to say that because i feel it's important for the whole picture, i am no Saint. On the other side i feel like i make another excuse for her, because she didn't care much for him either, was easily set off and as i told you is now very harsh with him.

 

Dunno, just wanted to get this of my mind. Nothing to hide and i will accept all **** that is on me.

 

What's your plan to change your life?... because when you keep making all these excuses and don't address what you plan to change - nothing changes!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, after reading through the last couple of pages I am convinced that OP has only one course of action open to him if he wants to retain his sanity. He must get out of this toxic situation before it sucks him in and he also loses his mind. His wife is suffering from some form of severe mental illness and may even turn violent at some point. There is nothing he can do to help her anymore. In fact, from everything he has written till now I would think she needs to be institutionalized for the sake of her own good and for the sake of her son and husband. However, that is just my view and I may be wrong. To me her cheating appears to be merely a symptom of something serious and dangerously wrong with her mental and psychological health.

 

I can only wish OP the very best in a very very tricky situation.

[wmacbride]

Well about my step son...

 

The last 5 years i wasn't the greatest dad. He is spoiled and extreme respect less. He often treated my wife more like a bad husband than a son. I always went into protection mode and kept yelling. I never abused him, but i also didn't spent super much time with him. He is a troubled boy. My goal was to raise him for the future, to be strong, but i forgot he was a kid. I punished him easy (no computer,ps4...never ever beat him).

 

This is one thing she told me make her come to whatever point she is. That it felt to her sometimes, that i want the kid to be gone. That i was jealous of him and kept punishing him for pleasure. I told her often that i do it so he can survive out there, because the way he is, he will not make it. She told me that sometimes this were the only moments she wished i left, when i was cruel.

 

I needed to say that because i feel it's important for the whole picture, i am no Saint. On the other side i feel like i make another excuse for her, because she didn't care much for him either, was easily set off and as i told you is now very harsh with him.

 

Dunno, just wanted to get this of my mind. Nothing to hide and i will accept all **** that is on me.

 

 

First off, I don't condone the yelling, but tasking away privileges is nothing to be sorry for. Raising a child to be spoiled and entitled doesn't help them at all. In fact, it can hurt them, as they grow up to expect everything to be handed to them.( I have three nearly adult children, and this is how they were raised. they knew what was expected of them, were rewarded when they went above and beyond and lost privileges when they broke the rules).

 

The more you describe the household, the more dysfunctional it sounds. The whole lot of you could do with some help. Her father mental health issues, her son for the trauma he's been through and you for being willing to stay and out put up with all of this.

[wmacbride]

where did I ever white knighting other infidelity threads?where did I protect the cheater?

also ,why r u so angry and trying to make the husband even more into fire of anger?

 

In this situation, anger is warranted. He is being treated really badly, and he needs to get angry, find his voice and stop letting her walk all over him. Otherwise, he is simply enabling her behavior, and that helps no one.

[Lostsoul2515]

I try to stay strong. I found a somewhat a friend. He listens. He is very religious, but i told him i don;t need preaching, i need reality.

 

Today is a bad day. The whole morning she listens to songs that mean something to us....She keeps treating me ice cold and then like she cares a bit. Tomorrow she is going again with this guy, killer thought.. hurts ****ing bad.

 

I will go to some support group tomorrow, not to stay home and break again...She will sent our son to her parents. She wouldn't chancel her date, no matter what. Her mom is a mess right now because her insurance won't pay her pills. Still she will sent her son over there.....

 

The shock comes back over and over.... we had so much, we are a ****ing fairytale....and now this. Like some College Kids..Sometimes it feels she want me to suffer and then that she just does not care if i suffer....To keep my sanity is so hard. WTF happened... when.. why... It's a bad day.

[BluesPower]

I try to stay strong. I found a somewhat a friend. He listens. He is very religious, but i told him i don;t need preaching, i need reality.

 

Today is a bad day. The whole morning she listens to songs that mean something to us....She keeps treating me ice cold and then like she cares a bit. Tomorrow she is going again with this guy, killer thought.. hurts ****ing bad.

 

I will go to some support group tomorrow, not to stay home and break again...She will sent our son to her parents. She wouldn't chancel her date, no matter what. Her mom is a mess right now because her insurance won't pay her pills. Still she will sent her son over there.....

 

The shock comes back over and over.... we had so much, we are a ****ing fairytale....and now this. Like some College Kids..Sometimes it feels she want me to suffer and then that she just does not care if i suffer....To keep my sanity is so hard. WTF happened... when.. why... It's a bad day.

 

Listen Buddy... I understand how bad you are hurting. Most people here understand.

 

But you have to pull yourself together. You need to start thinking like she is not your wife, or like she is dead or something.

 

People do these types of things, and frankly, sometimes we never understand why. You have to get yourself together.

 

While she is gone on her trip with her boyfriend, start looking for a job, something to keep you busy.

 

Start doing research about citizenship, go for a walk, whatever.

 

Do something to keep yourself busy.

 

What she is doing is really horrible, it is impossible to understand, but this is who she is. Be glad you found out now and not 10 years from now, when you would have wasted more of your life than you already have.

[wmacbride]

I try to stay strong. I found a somewhat a friend. He listens. He is very religious, but i told him i don;t need preaching, i need reality.

 

Today is a bad day. The whole morning she listens to songs that mean something to us....She keeps treating me ice cold and then like she cares a bit. Tomorrow she is going again with this guy, killer thought.. hurts ****ing bad.

 

I will go to some support group tomorrow, not to stay home and break again...She will sent our son to her parents. She wouldn't chancel her date, no matter what. Her mom is a mess right now because her insurance won't pay her pills. Still she will sent her son over there.....

 

The shock comes back over and over.... we had so much, we are a ****ing fairytale....and now this. Like some College Kids..Sometimes it feels she want me to suffer and then that she just does not care if i suffer....To keep my sanity is so hard. WTF happened... when.. why... It's a bad day.

 

How frickin' cruel ca you get. It sounds to me like she is going out of her way to make you feel like crap.

 

She's being a real ( expletive deleted) to you. I don't know what changed, but she is not the woman you fell in love with. Hard as it may be, you have to start letting her go.

 

I'm glad you found a support group to go to. Talking with others face to face can be a real help. Do you have any friends in the area you can go out for coffee with or even stay with for a few days, just to get a change of scenery and a break from her nasty behavior?

[Lowrider93]

Hey lost

You know she's messing with your head.

I suggest you play Phil Collins, " I Don't Care Anymore",

Turn it up louder, Then learn to live it.

 

It's time to not give a Rats A$$ about her!

 

Peace

[S2B]

What is your plan of action to take charge of your life?

[Lostsoul2515]

Tomorrow i go to some kind of counseling group from a church. I hope to find people with the same or similar trouble and somehow maybe connect with someone. I have no social contacts, beside one great dude from the church. From there i will see, need to find a job, get my dl...

 

It is hard not to complete shut down. Everyday those psycho games or just this cold......To see her, all the memories, all that was....the questions in my head, why,how,when and what if.......It is hard to stay sane

[S2B]

When you meet with the group ask for suggestions about how they moved forward.

 

You may be able to do a practice test online for your drivers license. Study and take the test.

[aliveagain]

I try to stay strong. I found a somewhat a friend. He listens. He is very religious, but i told him i don;t need preaching, i need reality.

 

Today is a bad day. The whole morning she listens to songs that mean something to us....She keeps treating me ice cold and then like she cares a bit. Tomorrow she is going again with this guy, killer thought.. hurts ****ing bad.

 

I will go to some support group tomorrow, not to stay home and break again...She will sent our son to her parents. She wouldn't chancel her date, no matter what. Her mom is a mess right now because her insurance won't pay her pills. Still she will sent her son over there.....

The shock comes back over and over.... we had so much, we are a ****ing fairytale....and now this. Like some College Kids..Sometimes it feels she want me to suffer and then that she just does not care if i suffer....To keep my sanity is so hard. WTF happened... when.. why... It's a bad day.

 

What are you waiting for? Ask her parents to come and get her things that you will pack up while she is out on her date. This abuse ends when you say it does. Seriously, ask her to leave, your no longer married, she's dating other men. Stop being such a nice guy because you are only doing more damage to yourself. Start the process, lawyer up because she doesn't believe your going to do anything about this situation except what she allows you to do. Fire her or accept that in order to be in her life you will be sharing her with other men. Stock up on condoms. Come on man, you don't need us to tell you what it is you need to do just do it.

[Lostsoul2515]

First of all, thanks for being there guys. You helped me so much!

 

As you know my situation is not as simple. I have no friends (yet), no social contacts close and no job or car. So just moving out will not work right now. I also can not throw her out, because it's more her house than mine. Her parents are somewhat supportive, but also a mess of their own.

 

I had some kind of enlightenment.... My love and all hope and pain and begging, was replaced by anger and self defense. Right now i want to keep things "happy". Because i have free living, all time to find a good job and friends, wile not to worries were to sleep or what to eat. Her strange: "You can live forever here", is in fact helping me much more than hurting. So yes i will stay until i can safely move away. I will use all those resources she provides, because she ****in owe me! I also will make sure that my stepson is ok and not becoming some psycho like his mom. I will take my time and play her game with my own rules. Working in the Background on me and my future.

 

I was ready to take her back, no matter what. But this is almost over. Too much pain and cruelty. The new motto is: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!

 

This morning she left with a lot of cloth and some whiskey (she is not a drinker at all, dunno how well this goes). She took some new cloth she bought,makeup and a sex toy. Guess that's for whatever they wants to do to her, but whatever. I will workout and later go in that group and see whats going on there.Right now i need to understand the rules and than change them.

 

Sure it's not all sunshine and yes it bugs me that she is seeing him again, but it's not super killing me as it would have a little wile ago.

 

My worst fear right now is, that when she goes again tonight it devides her more. I don't want her to snap fully and go super crazy on me. I need time

Edited January 26, 2018 by Lostsoul2515

[wmacbride]

op,

I know it may sound overly dramatic, but I am a firm believer that cheating i a form of spousal abuse. Right now, you are isolated form your own family, have no friends in your local area and it sounds like you are somewhat financially dependent on your wife.

 

It's great that you are starting to take back some of your power. Getting out and meeting others, like you say you will be doing int he support group, is so important, as it will help you to start building connections with others who are outside this crazy making situation.

 

Like other posters have mentioned, if you can start looking for a job, even if it's just pumping gas, will also help. Look into getting your driver's license and ID. If you have fmaily/friends that you have lost touch with, reach out to them.

 

One thing to be careful of is that your spouse may well, when she sees that you are no longer acting like a whipped little puppy dog, try to reel you back in. DO NOT allow that to happen. She'll use sweet words and tell you what you want to hear, but DO NOT believe her. Whatever you do...DO NOT have sex with her, no matter how tempting that may be. She'll use that to try and get you back under her thumb, and once you are, the cycle will start all over. She may even try to get herself pregnant so that you feel you are trapped and have to stay and put up with her crap.

 

If you feel like you need additional help, contact a support agency in your area for abused spouses. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to hurt, and men can be abused just as much as women.

 

I know I might sound dramatic, but this sort of thing can and does happen. It's no reflection on you as a man, but it is on her as a person.

[Lostsoul2515]

Ty for the support and tips!

 

Right now my biggest fear is that this night will trigger her more. I want to keep her exactly were she is right now and not go total nuts. So that drives me crazy, what this night will do. Will she be the same as of now, worse, bit better?

 

I don't even care bout the sex, it's more the psychic part. I need to keep it at least on this level (or better) so i know i can safely look for a job and contacts and stuff.....

 

Bad day again, what a madness

[Lowrider93]

Find your Peace of Mind, go stand in the middle of a forest,

walk along a river bank,go climb a mountain.

Somehow connect with nature, it will allow you

to think with some clarity, you'll find your anwsers.

 

Hang in there

[lolablue17]

Your wife has left you. Do i need to repeat that? YOUR WIFE IS NO LONGER YOUR WIFE (maybe just in papers).

 

Couples can recover from many kinds of crisis's. But your wife, not only that she has zero respect for you - She is very much makes a show off, that you wouldn't miss the fact that she is shi**** on you intentionally.

 

I don't think ther's a couplein the world that can recover from this kind of zero respect. Love, honesty, being reliable, being solid, and more - re crucial for a relationship, but i think that respect is the most neccessary aspeבt. Eliminate respect, and it's dead. You can regain even love, not respect.

 

So again. This is over. She will be with him, or with another man or men, or even single.. But with you, it's done. When you recognize this, you will start the healing proccess.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lola, I guess the OP is reconciled to the fact that his marriage is over and that his wife is lost to him. His primary concern at this time seems to be to buy time by keeping her in a stable mental state so that she does not evict him from their marital home which is principally hers. He is without a job and lacks citizenship(?) which complicates matters for him. Once he is able to get a job and stabilize himself, he will probably move out without prompting from her. He is taking advantage of the fact that his wife had told him early on in this messy affair that he can continue to stay in the house they have shared so far. He does not have a driver's license nor does he own a car so he is, really speaking, on a very weak wicket. This is why he wants to maintain the peace till he is able to find his feet and steady his situation. At least this is what I have gathered on reading through his various posts and I may be wrong. I think by now the OP has mostly given up hope that there is anything left to salvage. Maybe the OP could return to clarify on what I have stated. Warm regards.