An ex got in touch a year later, different circumstances or?

[agawam25]

So, long story short, exactly one year ago I was recovering from breaking off an almost decade-long relationship. I was having a torrid time, which involved trying to get back together with my ex, and facing her constant rejection that was never explicit so it kind of left me in an emotional and existential limbo. I met this girl - let's call her A for the sake of clarity - who was eight years younger than me, we had a very brief thing together, and it didn't work out. I honestly can't remember what kind of an issue I had with her apart from the fact that she was relatively immature at the time. I moved on, managed to recover from my big breakup, had a few more flings that actually were just that, and was in a six-month long relationship until recently (which I wrote about in a separate thread). I'm really not feeling too bad about the newest breakup as it was long in the making, as can be read in that thread. So...

 

I have these two younger colleagues that I tend to spend time with - they're smart kids in the same line of work as myself, and we've clicked better than I usually do with colleagues of my own age. I tend not to spend time with people who do the same job as I do, but I actually think these guys have smart heads on their shoulders, a decent shot at a successful future and I enjoy the banter and a couple of drinks here and there. Recently they mentioned that they've met A and became friends. Like I said, smart kids - they figured out that something took place between us and I kindly told them that there was no bad blood, that I think she's a great girl and that things simply didn't work out at the time, and I left it at that. At some point last week, one of them had a small party for a couple of people and I got invited. I knew A was there but honestly, I neither wanted or expected anything to happen nor was I particularly bothered she was there. It was kinda nice knowing I'd get to see her again and that she's hanging out with the same crowd - she's also in the same profession and has recently moved to my city and I knew it must have been tough on her but that at least she had them for support. Anyway...

 

We had a few, ended up talking on our own, she said she missed talking to me as a friend and a fellow professional, I apologised for being an ******* about the breakup (I ended the thing via messages while she was still living in another town, which was kind of not cool, and also I remember growing cold on her so suddenly and without much of an explanation). Plus, for the love of God I couldn't remember why I left her in the first place. And then everyone went to sleep or left and we were alone. So one thing led to another and we slept together. We didn't have sex - we just slept together. As you can imagine, we both woke up confused as to how that happened. So we both said it was really great that we have managed to reconnect, and kind of left it at that.

 

Two or three days later, my two friends were out and about and I sent them a message saying I'd like to meet up for a drink. One of my friends' phone died and A happened to be there so he asked her to message me (in retrospect I think it was a very clever heads-up) and tell me where they are. So I joined them as in all honesty like I said, I think it's great that she's a part of that group of friends and I don't mind her being around at all. So the four of us went to a rather large bar, and I couldn't help myself constantly staring at her, captivated by her doll-like appearance (this is not a sexist remark: she literally looks like a porcelain doll). The place was crawling with women but at one point I caught myself constantly looking at her. And for a good reason: she seems so much more relaxed, mature and happy - I remember her being unhappy about her life in that other town - and I was taken aback by the transformation. We talked a little about the past year, her new life and new job, things that happened in the meantime in my life, etc. but in essence the four of us had a great time and we stayed out until it was closing time. So I asked her if she wanted to repeat that first night and she said, sure, but that I should promise that nothing would happen (meaning sex of course). Again, in all honesty, I just wanted to sleep with her, so I said I promised. We again slept together, and she went home the following morning and oddly there was nothing awkward or strange about it.

 

A few days later she sent me a message saying she'd like to spend some time with me, but without any drinking involved. So we agreed to meet up for coffee later that day. We walked around a bit, talked, joked playfully (she used to call me "grandpa" in reference to our age difference, so when she did it again it really got me laughing)... Long story short, six hours later we ended up in my bed again, and just as I was about to pass out, she initiated what was the best sex I've had in ages. Later she said that she didn't remember me being so relaxed with her. I'm quite sure she's right. She also stated that the sex was great for her as well.

 

We talked about what's going on and we're both a bit confused. Neither of us ever considered getting back together or thought about it happening. So we both suggested that we should take things slowly and just sort of hang out, go out for drinks or to the movies, have dinner together etc. which actually makes a lot of sense. We've been messaging back and forth since and all of it is good and I have a good feeling about this overall.

 

What I'm curious about is, is there such a thing as a second chance? Does this sound like a healthy situation to you? I've been in rather destructive or toxic relationships - both my ten year-long relationship and this past one can be characterised like that. I'm reasonably cautious to begin with, and given how there's a past with this young woman, I think it's a very specific situation and I'd like any input that goes past my blatant infatuation.

[SevenCity]

It can happen but there are two main reasons why that are not applicable in a lot of cases

 

1) You are a man. Men will reconcile easier than women and are more likely to be single.

2) you broke up with her. The dumper usually has all the power when it comes to reconciliation.

 

Just remember she's now part of your circle if things go south.

 

And high five for scoring with a younger chick

[agawam25]

It can happen but there are two main reasons why that are not applicable in a lot of cases

 

1) You are a man. Men will reconcile easier than women and are more likely to be single.

2) you broke up with her. The dumper usually has all the power when it comes to reconciliation.

 

Just remember she's now part of your circle if things go south.

 

And high five for scoring with a younger chick

 

1) She told me I was the last person she was with, not because I was so damn special, but that she simply wasn't feeling it given her moving to a bigger city and it took her a while to adjust - I was apparently having a much better time finding a partner of some sort;

 

2) Good point. Didn't occur to me that that's a factor.

 

Oh and as for scoring with younger chicks... Time for some brutal honesty. Not my first rodeo, but both of my recent LTRs or more serious relationships that I've mentioned were with women my own age. I've had my fair share of flings with women between five and eight years younger than me (and one with a woman who was five years older and she happened to be the most boring woman I was ever with -- sorry!).

[SevenCity]

1) She told me I was the last person she was with, not because I was so damn special, but that she simply wasn't feeling it given her moving to a bigger city and it took her a while to adjust - I was apparently having a much better time finding a partner of some sort;

 

2) Good point. Didn't occur to me that that's a factor.

 

Oh and as for scoring with younger chicks... Time for some brutal honesty. Not my first rodeo, but both of my recent LTRs or more serious relationships that I've mentioned were with women my own age. I've had my fair share of flings with women between five and eight years younger than me (and one with a woman who was five years older and she happened to be the most boring woman I was ever with -- sorry!).

 

Almost all the LTRs I've had were younger (only by a few years). Regardless, I refuse to recant my high-five

 

#2 is likey THE most important factor. Man or woman, if someone left you and you didn't want them to leave it always gives you the power to get them back.

 

This won't last forever though, as eventually people move on.

 

I say go for it and see what happens. Best of luck brother.

[agawam25]

Almost all the LTRs I've had were younger (only by a few years). Regardless, I refuse to recant my high-five

 

#2 is likey THE most important factor. Man or woman, if someone left you and you didn't want them to leave it always gives you the power to get them back.

 

This won't last forever though, as eventually people move on.

 

I say go for it and see what happens. Best of luck brother.

 

I suppose my question is whether one can build a sustained, stable relationship out of all of this. Wonder if anyone had a similar experience? And as a novice to second chances, I guess I'm also curious as whether they exist, or they're like you said, a chance to get someone back for the sake of doing just that and then moving on.

[agawam25]

Just to fill in on that last sentence - I do plan on pursuing what I've described, going out again and spending time together as I do enjoy her company and I do want to see where it goes. Not much to lose that I haven't lost before and besides, my ego can handle a potential rejection... I just don't feel suitably prepared for this scenario.

 

Thanks for your wishes!

[inmyownworld]

You probably need to figure out why you left her in the first place. If you don't it's likely to be just a repeat.

[bluecastle]

I think second chances can totally work. Two of my best friends are married to former exes, and while both those relationships had some serious toxicity in their initial incarnation they are now among the most inspiring I know. In both those cases, one partner was willing to put it out there with no hedging that they wanted to try again while also being patient with the other to process the insanity.

 

Here's the thing. With second chances we always want to take things "slow" etc., but in truth that's next to impossible. Sure, you can feel each other out for a bit, but the moment you start, um, really feeling each other out—a line you've already crossed—things are invariably more complicated and fast-moving given the history. You need to respect that reality, and act with intention. Otherwise you're telling yourself that you're casually dating an ex, which is always a falsehood.

 

You already sound like you're pretty into her and respect her, perhaps more than you did the first time, for whatever reason. So go with it—listen to your head and heart, listen to hers, stay open, and who knows?!

[rickwman]

I believe in second chances. Infatuation / like / love / lust? Examine what is in both of your hearts. Do you have answers to why you broke up with her in the first place? Share each others expectations honestly. Is there respect, forgiveness, caring between you two that can develop into something long term? Time will tell. I'll pray that wisdom and peace will fill you both as you experience this second chance.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Reconciliation takes two. If both of you are fully committed to it, then go for it! That commitment comes with the recognition that there were issues and that those issues need to be resolved BEFORE you dive in. Was there meaningful reflection? Therapy? Going back to the same situation is fatal.

 

Good luck!