Feeling like people on dating apps are desperate

[Miss Spider]

And I'd love for an explanation as to how they are not. I mean this as no slight. I'm no exception and even if my primary goal is not to find hookups or a relationship, I think deep down I do want to make a connection that leads me to want a relationship. Or at least I did before a few days ago when I stopped using it.

 

 

My last date made a comment that people wouldn't think conventionally attractive people like us would be using OLD. Ignoring the arrogance and sheer idiocy of this statement, it got me thinking. I've never really been able to shake this feeling that people who use OLD are desperate - including the ones who use it exclusively for hookups (my theory is the majority of those are insecure men who use quantity of sex, no matter the quality, to raise their self-esteem and huge amount are rebound hookups when their confidence is shot so their IRL game is very weak. More on that...)

 

Think about it, to have the thought to make a profile on an an OLD app, you have to want a relationship or sex. Most social, attractive people have many people they talk to on a regular basis. Desirable people have no issue with this. They have a social circle. They go out to events. They talk to the opposite sex. They meet the opposite sex through going out to social venues with friends, mutual friends, their career sphere, etc. etc.

 

Now a person on OLD doesn't have that or they've exhausted what little they had. But they still really, really want a relationship or sex. So they have to download this app or go on this site. They put together a 'profile' packages and sells themselves on the dating market. They have to upload pics and write a bio to make themselves desirable. Then they have to spend time writing to people whose pictures and little bios are nice enough that they can see themselves potentially dating these people. Mind you, they have no clue these people are even who they say they are, if they "look like their pics", if they actually even exist. Then they are willing to take this stranger they know only from some pixels and 100 words maximum on a date, not really knowing what they are getting.

 

People who are not desperate don't do this. They go outside their house, have fun, meet people, and interact with them. I am very awkward and my circle is small. If one of these things were eliminated, I would probably not need OLD. Before when I had focused on building my social circle and going out and doing ****, I did not need OLD at all. I was meeting too many people I had commonalities with IRL that the thought of joining a site to meet them would have been laughable. This isn't sustainable for me, though. I'm awkward.

 

Most of the men I've met online have been in some way too. But a little awkward doesn't bother me. Desperate for a relationship/sex does. Lack of confidence/self-esteem does. And I think this is the primary driver for people on OLD. It's so forced, contrived, 'inorganic' that you really need to need this deep down to put up with it.

 

The more good looking and the better the personality the person has, the more red flags go up. I know something is off. It's just a matter of what. Even with crippling low self-esteem from being rejected(approach anxiety), if he's desirable he should have girls interacting with him and over time he should be able make friends with them and build from there. If he's desirable(looks+personality) he should have plenty of options outside the internet. Even if he's just wanting sex, a night out with his buddies to the bar, live show, club should fix that. Where he can actually SEE the girl, flirt with her, build connection, pick her up. Then he can put her in his black book.

 

 

The only case I can see a desirable guy maybe using OLD is he is just out of relationship and hasn't been doing this for awhile. He's forgotten the game. He's only temporarily desperate and should be on there for awhile and see the ridiculously horrible odds stacked against him and how much better he can pull IRL and delete his profile.

 

Women are a little different. I'm not just saying this because I'm a woman. It's a little more understandable why a woman might be desperate for a relationship, but also some women aren't approached as much and aren't used to doing the approaching. So she can only choose by the number of guys asking her out and sometimes that is low so she feels the need to go online. Still, something's up.

 

Online dating is like the more popular, less awkward younger brother of the back page personals, something still joked about. Online dating is more socially acceptable, but that must be from the sheer number of people who do it and since so much has gone online, people aren't as judgmental about finding a partner there. I think people who don't use it just choose not to judge people about it because the likelihood they have a relative or friend who has met their partner that way is high, so they kind of have to.

 

I've voiced this opinion strongly in the past in other threads

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/619637-online-dating-observations-my-first-month#post7274593, but I went back. And people usually do. They don't like it, but they go back. If that doesn't reek of desperation, I don't know what does.

 

I want to feel different about this. I don't want to believe it because I use OLD. I like most of the guys I meet. I would be somewhat embarrassed to tell my friends who met most of their bfs in other places I met mine online, but no big deal. But I don't want to feel like my partner and I met because we were desperate for someone. The only other thing I can think of is pathologically picky person who thinks they're too good for anyone so they need to see who else is out there (and still don't find them, surprise).

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Grey40]

I used to think that way too, but I disagree with you pretty much 100%. While there are desperate people on the apps, and people looking just to hook up—that’s no different than when going out to bars and clubs. Just as many desperate people and just as many people looking for a quickie. In my opinion, OLD is just the future. It’s just another tool and method to help people with dating. I don’t think people should rely solely on it, but it’s a helpful tool.

 

As a male, there are lots of women who go out in bigger groups and it makes it difficult to approach one of them. Even if you can successfully do that, the other women usually get jealous and find a way to Sabotage it. In bars and clubs, sometimes the music is way too loud to actually talk to anyone. And those places you have to rely mainly on dancing skills.

 

For me, I’ve enjoyed OLD because it’s more my pace. I can meet people who are interested in dating or hooking up or at least trying to find someone and set up a place and time to meet them where and when I want and at a place I can really get to know them without other distractions. Is it the end all be al? No. I still try to meet people in person as well. But to be totally honest, I’ve had much more success with OLD.

[Miss Spider]

I used to think that way too, but I disagree with you pretty much 100%. While there are desperate people on the apps, and people looking just to hook up—that’s no different than when going out to bars and clubs. Just as many desperate people and just as many people looking for a quickie. In my opinion, OLD is just the future. It’s just another tool and method to help people with dating. I don’t think people should rely solely on it, but it’s a helpful tool.

 

As a male, there are lots of women who go out in bigger groups and it makes it difficult to approach one of them. Even if you can successfully do that, the other women usually get jealous and find a way to Sabotage it. In bars and clubs, sometimes the music is way too loud to actually talk to anyone. And those places you have to rely mainly on dancing skills.

 

For me, I’ve enjoyed OLD because it’s more my pace. I can meet people who are interested in dating or hooking up or at least trying to find someone and set up a place and time to meet them where and when I want and at a place I can really get to know them without other distractions. Is it the end all be al? No. I still try to meet people in person as well. But to be totally honest, I’ve had much more success with OLD.

 

I feel it is a bit different. I think a lot of people go out to bars and clubs to have fun. To socialize and have a good time. I go to dance. Some go to drink and talk with their friends. How is OLD fun? How fun is asking strangers questions that they most likely won't respond to (if you're a guy)?

[jay1983]

 

As a male, there are lots of women who go out in bigger groups and it makes it difficult to approach one of them. Even if you can successfully do that, the other women usually get jealous and find a way to Sabotage it. In bars and clubs, sometimes the music is way too loud to actually talk to anyone. And those places you have to rely mainly on dancing skills.

 

Yeah lol

 

Regarding online dating, yes most guys figure out the it's not the best to find someone up to par with themself.

[Grey40]

I feel it is a bit different. I think a lot of people go out to bars and clubs to have fun. To socialize and have a good time. I go to dance. Some go to drink and talk with their friends. How is OLD fun? How fun is asking strangers questions that they most likely won't respond to (if you're a guy)?

 

It’s been fun for me, but I’m an above average looking guy. My friends who are not as attractive hate OLD and have had very little success with it overall. I think if you’re average or below in looks, it’s really difficult because it’s a lot of rejection and being ignored which sucks for someone’s self-esteem. Even being above-average you still get rejected or ignored a lot, it’s just how the system works.

 

It’s really difficult to pick up women out at night in clubs or bars these days. Most of the ones you can do that with are either not attractive or are already taken in some form, and everyone’s drunk and feelings aren’t genuine/people do things they normally wouldn’t do. The girls I’ve met in person late at night never panned Out past that night or 2 dates max. Meanwhile I have met several women OLD that I liked and dated for several months each.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Grey40

[Chilli]

Personally l reckon they'd have to be. What a ridiculous way to meet someone, yaknow.

[Miss Spider]

And yes, women are hard to approach sometimes. It's much easier to face rejection online than in front of someone, but I see people meeting people in bars together a lot in the rare times I have went out to them, so I know it happens. A lot of times girl's will try to make it easier for you to approach them if they like you (walking by you on the way to the restroom etc.)

 

 

But let's put aside guys who don't have game/can't approach women at bars. Even if they don't go to bars, can they not at least talk to women? I know some shy, introverted men who did not have to resort to online dating that have gfs. One broke up with gf and had another one a couple months later. Now I don't know he absolutely doesn't use OLD, but I know that they didn't meet that way. One common denominator with those men is that they could care less about whether they find a woman. That seems to attract women. Their lives are filled with what they're passionate about and they meet women on their road of doing that stuff, not through a forced message then date with someone on their computer. I guess I'm just more attracted to men like that.

 

I'm happy it works for you. I mean, it "works" for me too. Works in that I meet more people to date than I would otherwise. I just wish I didn't feel this way. Even more, I wish my first-hand experience didn't back it up. The seemingly desirable people on there seem to have something amiss with that and I say that will all due respect. I am also putting myself in this category because I'm avg looking girl with a decent personality and generally nice so I shouldn't have problems, but stuff is wrong with me.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Grey40]

And yes, women are hard to approach sometimes. It's much easier to face rejection online than in front of someone, but I see people meeting people in bars together a lot in the rare times I have went out to them, so I know it happens. A lot of times girl's will try to make it easier for you to approach them if they like you (walking by you on the way to the restroom etc.)

 

 

But let's put aside guys who don't have game/can't approach women at bars. Even if they don't go to bars, can they not at least talk to women? I know some shy, introverted men who did not have to resort to online dating that have gfs. One broke up with gf and had another one a couple months later. Now I don't know he absolutely doesn't use OLD, but I know that they didn't meet that way. One common denominator with those men is that they could care less about whether they find a woman. That seems to attract women. Their lives are filled with what they're passionate about and they meet women on their road of doing that stuff, not through a forced message then date with someone on their computer. I guess I'm just more attracted to men like that.

 

I'm happy it works for you. I mean, it "works" for me too. Works in that I meet more people to date than I would otherwise. I just wish I didn't feel this way. Even more, I wish my first-hand experience didn't back it up. The seemingly desirable people on there seem to have something amiss with that and I say that will all due respect. I am also putting myself in this category because I'm avg looking girl with a decent personality and generally nice so I shouldn't have problems, but stuff is wrong with me.

 

 

I mean part of your problem is that you’re viewing OLD as this negative thing that you’re “stooping” down to “that level”. It’s just cultural brainwashing. You’ve been told through friends and media for years that meeting someone online is bad and it’s last resort and weird etc. that’s just an opinion that’s been drilled into our heads, and doesn’t hold true in every case. I do meet people in person all the time, but for some reason it never pans out..maybe my skills are as good that’s possible. But I’ve found out a lot of times that women I talk to in person seem to be taken already. I don’t meet too many attractive AND single women out. The ones who are on the prowl are not great quality and that’s why they’re out and about searching. You could look at if the same way.

[basil67]

It’s really difficult to pick up women out at night in clubs or bars these days.

 

hehe, I hear you. I get annoyed when I'm at a bar or club with my BFFs and some randoms try to pick us up. Bars and clubs can be great for hanging out with your friends with no picking up whatsoever. The fact that I'm there doesn't mean I want to be bothered by men.

[Mkn1010]

Cookies, I just read a great article called: ‘I’m struggling to find love through online dating’ (on the guardian)

 

Have a read, it completely summarises why I don’t do OLD. And yes, I think it’s for desperate people!

[Grey40]

I understand where OLD is kind of ingeniune and seems artificial, but it’s really just a tool to find people in your area. The goal of the apps is to meet these people and see if you establish a genuine connection. It’s not like you’re bound to them. In some ways it’s better because it’s like meeting someone in a bar but you already did some research on them and know their interests etc, which makes talking easier and you have an idea that you’ll get along as well.

[LoverOfDance]

You have a very good point but desperation is not the correct way to define the people you are talking about.

 

People who go out all the time and socialize with others and have very big social circles are EXTROVERTS. Not everyone is an extrovert and I'm sure you know this.

 

Just like you said, I fall into that category of women who have very few options in real life and are not very good at approaching men. I am also shy when it comes to dating. Online dating is a good way for me to date because it is straightforward. I don't have to flirt or twirl my hair or bat my eyes or laugh at everything a guy says in order to get his attention (I really dislike doing these things. They don't feel natural to me). All I need to do is create a good profile and I am set.

 

I am on dating sites because I am introverted and not because I am desperate. I'm not sure you know what desperation means. When someone is desperate they take whatever they can get but people stay on dating sites for years looking for the "right one" and not accepting or settling for whatever comes along. Yes, there are some people on dating sites who are desperate but many are on there simply because it works better for them and accommodates their situation - whether they work 80 hours a week and find it hard to meet ppl or they are introverted or they are just not good with the whole dating thing (not everyone is).

 

Saying everyone on there is desperate is just false. Just my opinion.

[basil67]

Most social, attractive people have many people they talk to on a regular basis. Desirable people have no issue with this. They have a social circle. They go out to events. They talk to the opposite sex. They meet the opposite sex through going out to social venues with friends, mutual friends, their career sphere, etc. etc.

 

Before I talk about this statement, I will remove the word "attractive". People of all appearance levels can do all this stuff. Social lives and dating isn't just for the beautiful people.

 

Anyway, this theory works well for younger people. Honestly, I despair when I hear of people in the 19-27yo age range on dating apps. Here they are at the peak of their young, fun lives, surrounded by the opposite sex and parties and social events yet they can't find a person to date. Yeah, something is up with a person who can't meet someone in this time of their life.

 

However, when people get older and their friends are married and perhaps have kids, the opportunities to meet someone get much fewer. Your statement doesn't really fit oldies. All the social events I go to are with the same old friends or school parents. If I was single, there'd be nobody to meet. That said, I guess I could go to the pub. Perhaps join a trivia team....and get social that way.

 

But the thing which appears most desperate are those who are dating multiple new people each week. Have they got nothing else to do with their time?

[Miss Spider]

Well, I am probably classified as an introvert too, but I still just can't see how turning to the last resort in the dating realm cannot be seen as desperate. I am attracted more to men of the mind "I am fine being single, but if the right woman comes along, I'd love that'

 

Not ' I need to fill out this dating profile and make sure it sounds good, Oh and also I need to take flattering pics of myself to get girls' attention. Plus spend time I can do other stuff browsing my computer for a good looking woman, think of some way I can stand out against all these other guys, put together a thirsty message and put myself in an uncomfortable position by spending time/money to go on a date with a woman who may have grossly misrepresented herself or is just not what I am looking for at all when we meet in person. ' w

 

I'm an introvert. Introverts are not completely unsocial, they just need a break from socializing to recharge. They should still have hobbies and friends, and even if they are solitary hobbies, they should still come in contact with people. I don't think I want to date someone who could not meet a person of the opposite sex they liked who also liked them without the help of the internet. That tells me they are either not attractive to the opposite sex or they are socially inept outside of the internet. I don't mean to sound judgmental. I might be off about this. I do think it's different for women because women don't usually make the first move. Like I said, women usually want the guy to do that so she picks from the men who ask her out. Guys have a more active role in dating therefore a more active choice. The woman will get more attention/more men will asking her out online. But at what cost?

[Miss Spider]

Before I talk about this statement, I will remove the word "attractive". People of all appearance levels can do all this stuff. Social lives and dating isn't just for the beautiful people.

 

Anyway, this theory works well for younger people. Honestly, I despair when I hear of people in the 19-27yo age range on dating apps. Here they are at the peak of their young, fun lives, surrounded by the opposite sex and parties and social events yet they can't find a person to date. Yeah, something is up with a person who can't meet someone in this time of their life.

 

However, when people get older and their friends are married and perhaps have kids, the opportunities to meet someone get much fewer. Your statement doesn't really fit oldies. All the social events I go to are with the same old friends or school parents. If I was single, there'd be nobody to meet. That said, I guess I could go to the pub. Perhaps join a trivia team....and get social that way.

 

But the thing which appears most desperate are those who are dating multiple new people each week. Have they got nothing else to do with their time?

 

You are 100% on basil. I just think it's even more bizarre for the attractive, intelligent (especially emotionally) and also for the younger (so many socialization possibilities) simply because of how we mate and socialize. But you definitely don't need to be at all. That's what makes it even more odd.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

I also want to say that my definitely of 'attractive' may be misunderstood. I basically mean 'not unattractive' and by that I include not dressed like a slob, good hygiene, tries to stay healthy etc.

 

I don't mean gorgeous

[Popsicle]

I don’t agree with this. I know some desirable people who have done OLD including celebrities. I think it takes all types.

[LoverOfDance]

@Basil67 - I will say this again, the young people you are speaking about are EXTROVERTED !! I'm 26 and going out to parties is fun but to be honest that sh*t drains the living daylight out of me. I can only stand going out to parties maybe once in a month. There are way too many people around and I'd honestly rather be in my bed at home watching "the end of the f*ucking world" on Netflix.

 

Young people who aren't constantly socializing with friends and partying are not defective or faulty. Most of the time, they are simply introverts who need to be by themselves in order to recharge after spending 8 hours at work in constant interaction with other people.

 

Yes, some people are crazy and hate everything and everyone but most of us just like to be by ourselves a lot. There's nothing wrong with that.

[LoverOfDance]

Just want to say this cookies, NO ONE is fine with being alone/single, no matter what they say. You can go out and have as much fun as you want and distract yourself as much as you want but you always come back home at night to an empty bed. NOBODY wants that forever. NO ONE. Except if you're a monk or a nun.

[Miss Spider]

I really don't think it's about being an extrovert or introverted (which explains why some celebrities have needed it) It's about your attractiveness, your IQ, your EQ, all that makes up your worth on the dating market vs what you are trying to get . A lot of women go to online dating because they get hit on by guys they don't want, not guys they want. I'd say they have things to work on if this is the case.

 

 

I also don't agree everyone wants a relationship or more specifically NEEDS one, but the point is that people who have are high value on the dating market or even expectations in line with their value don't need to resort to online dating or don't even go to that desperate 'place' of wanting to find someone that bad because they've already found someone

I'll give some thought to the responses here. Thank you much.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[MaleIntuition]

I’m using OLD because I’m picky, not because I’m desperate.

 

Social venues can be great, but let’s be realistic. Once you are out of university you will meet a lot less new people on a regular basis. Your colleges don’t change on a yearly basis. Most tend to have their established social circles and coupled up friends starts families. Activities are great and is absolutely a good way to meet new people, but realistically - new hobbies also requires time. My point is: the influx of new people you meet organically will most likely diminish as you get older even if you are a out there, in the real world.

 

Sure; clubs and bars can be good, in my experience it’s better for hookups than for finding LTR partners though. The social rules are somewhat different and talking to strangers is more accepted. But is it really less desperate to exchange numbers with a strangers while intoxicated at a bar?

 

If you approach life without prejudices; you might meet your SO at that dancing class, on the parking lot, in a bar, through mutual friends or perhaps by using a dating app. And if you are picky you maximise your opportunity to meet new people, today that includes OLD.

[Popsicle]

I think that OLD rituals make people act stupid. But then again, plenty of people act stupid when they've met offline too. So, I can't really say there are any guarantees anywhere or with any particular method.

 

I just say do whatever you want, but whatever you do, please be kind to yourself. What I see here is self-hatred.

[LoverOfDance]

Don't get me wrong, I never said everyone wants a relationship. I know a woman who has vowed never to date again (maybe she's been hurt a lot, I don't know). What I said is that NO ONE wants to be alone. Even those who are and claim to be fine with it, have pets. The woman I'm talking about has two dogs. I think that if she could actually tolerate men, she would have a man but because she doesn't want to deal with men, she'd rather have dogs instead.

 

Chasing a relationship is desperate. Putting yourself out there, whether by joining a dating site or finding more hobbies, is not desperate. But everyone has their own opinion and I respect yours.

[basil67]

@Basil67 - I will say this again, the young people you are speaking about are EXTROVERTED !! I'm 26 and going out to parties is fun but to be honest that sh*t drains the living daylight out of me. I can only stand going out to parties maybe once in a month. There are way too many people around and I'd honestly rather be in my bed at home watching "the end of the f*ucking world" on Netflix.

 

Young people who aren't constantly socializing with friends and partying are not defective or faulty. Most of the time, they are simply introverts who need to be by themselves in order to recharge after spending 8 hours at work in constant interaction with other people.

 

Yes, some people are crazy and hate everything and everyone but most of us just like to be by ourselves a lot. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

No they aren't necessarily EXTROVERTED. I'm an introvert too, but I can still socialise. I simply don't need the sheer amount of down time that you're talking about.

 

If you can only manage seeing people socially once a month or so, how do you manage a relationship? Do boyfriends get frustrated with your inability to go out and be social?

[Miss Spider]

Don't get me wrong, I never said everyone wants a relationship. I know a woman who has vowed never to date again (maybe she's been hurt a lot, I don't know). What I said is that NO ONE wants to be alone. Even those who are and claim to be fine with it, have pets. The woman I'm talking about has two dogs. I think that if she could actually tolerate men, she would have a man but because she doesn't want to deal with men, she'd rather have dogs instead.

 

Chasing a relationship is desperate. Putting yourself out there, whether by joining a dating site or finding more hobbies, is not desperate. But everyone has their own opinion and I respect yours.

 

I don't see how putting yourself on a dating website or app for a relationship is not chasing a relationship? Having a hobby and meeting someone through that hobby is not chasing a relationship, but going to a speed dating event, a singles only meet, online dating - all of that is chasing a relationship (or sex). A man who puts himself on a dating website (even if he is a celebrity, they do this for discreet NSA sex to fill their gaping hole of issues) he is chasing a relationship/sex. Same with women, (usually they want a relationship, but something is amiss where they can't find the caliber of guy they think they deserve). I just look at my friends/aquaintances and all of them found their partners through friends or school, or work, art exhibit,volunteering, kayaking, even karate class so they have that commonality. so I just feel embarrassed if I were to say Tinder or Okcupid. I bet they appreciate it a bit more too, that they met in a way other than trawling an app or site looking for companionship. Idk