Feeling like people on dating apps are desperate

[basil67]

Online dating is a good way for me to date because it is straightforward. I don't have to flirt or twirl my hair or bat my eyes or laugh at everything a guy says in order to get his attention (I really dislike doing these things. They don't feel natural to me). All I need to do is create a good profile and I am set.

 

It doesn't feel natural because that's not how to get a guy. Flirting is good. But twirling hair, batting lashes and laughing at what he says? But fat NOPE. It's just so fake. If you read this in a dating book, throw that book in the trash right now.

 

What you need to do is be engaging. Be a good conversationalist. Have a similar sense of humor. Laugh if something is funny and don't laugh if it's not. If you're truly interested in him let him see it. And let it show that you are enjoying your time with him. Lastly, know your self worth and know that you're desirable.

[LoverOfDance]

Smh, I know when to stop arguing, lol. If you believe being on a dating site is desperate, no problem, don't go on dating sites. Do your thing. Do YOU. You don't have to listen to anything I say. Do what you think/believe is right.

[Cookiesandough]

I guess it is just my attitude, but really, I see time and time again problems on here both from men and women regarding people(flakes,cheaters,etc.etc.) and most of the time it's a person they met online, when 1/4 (that's a high statistic, it's way less than that in my circle) 'relationships' (that rarely make it passed 2 months) start online. I've been trying to tell myself that this is because people who use the internet to date are more likely to use the internet to talk about their problems, because I use it too, but I cannot ignore the amount of crazy/unstable/issues that flock to online dating. That would be intellectually dishonest.

 

And then THEY STILL DO IT. They continue doing this stuff even though it's painful for them. What do we call people who don't want but need? I know a lot of guys who are embarrassed to say that they use OLD or feel they need to explain why. Usually people need to say why like "I'm online dating because..." I want to get to the point I'm proud of it.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[MaleIntuition]

I'd rather say"my bf and I met on a night out at a bar " than online. "He saw me on the dance floor and came up to say hi later and we started talking and we left our friends and spend the entire night just talking and couldn't stop. We were practically inseparable after that."

vs

"I almost had it with men and deleting my profile, but then bae saw me and said it was love at first swipe. He liked all the emojis and pics in my profile. We exchanged like 30 texts back and forth and when we met he only looked vaguely like his pics but I was so desperate for a relationship I overlooked that minor blip, and here we are"

 

I guess it is just my attitude, but really, I see time and time again problems on here both from men and women regarding people(flakes,cheaters,etc.etc.) and most of the time it's a person they met online, when 1/4 (that's a high statistic, it's way less than that in my circle) 'relationships' (that rarely make it passed 2 months) start online. I've been trying to tell myself that this is because people who use the internet to date are more likely to use the internet to talk about their problems, because I use it too, but I cannot ignore the amount of crazy/unstable/issues online dating. That would be intellectually dishonest.

 

And then THEY STILL DO IT. They continue doing this stuff even though it's painful for them. What do we call people who don't want but NEED. I know a lot of guys who are embarrassed to say that they use OLD or feel they need to explain why. Usually people need to say why like "I'm online dating because..." I want to get to the point I'm proud of it.

 

I will agree with basil that if you are under 30 and OLD is your predominate source of meeting people to date you are doing something very, very wrong

Hehe , let’s try another version:

 

“After 5 beers and 2 shots, I saw her, desperately dancing on her own, sure the alcohol made all ladies look okey, but surely she was pretty enough? Driven by artificial courage from the alcohol I went up to her and awkwardly dropped a line I had read on an online forum. Lucky for us, it turned out we had some common interest and, decided to give it a try”

VS

“After looking through hundreds, nay thousands, of profile online I found a great girl. She’s outdoorsy, like me, good age, pretty and has an education. Based on her short, but witty, profile I can tell we have similar sense of humour. It’s a match! After a couple of text I invite her for coffee and she’s even prettier in real life! It took some work, but lucky for me, I didn’t settle for the girl next door.”

[Popsicle]

Smh, I know when to stop arguing, lol. If you believe being on a dating site is desperate, no problem, don't go on dating sites. Do your thing. Do YOU. You don't have to listen to anything I say. Do what you think/believe is right.

 

Don't worry, I'm with you. And Mrs. basil is long-time married, I believe. (i.e. no actual experience dating these days)

[guest569]

Wanting a relationship or companionship is pretty much a prerequisite to dating. I don’t see what is so desperate about pursuing one.

[Cookiesandough]

Hehe , let’s try another version:

 

 

“After looking through hundreds, nay thousands, of profile online I found a great girl. She’s outdoorsy, like me, good age, pretty and has an education. Based on her short, but witty, profile I can tell we have similar sense of humour. It’s a match! After a couple of text I invite her for coffee and she’s even prettier in real life! It took some work, but lucky for me, I didn’t settle for the girl next door.”

 

That makes me want to cry for him

[Popsicle]

I guess it is just my attitude, but really, I see time and time again problems on here both from men and women regarding people(flakes,cheaters,etc.etc.) and most of the time it's a person they met online, when 1/4 (that's a high statistic, it's way less than that in my circle) 'relationships' (that rarely make it passed 2 months) start online. I've been trying to tell myself that this is because people who use the internet to date are more likely to use the internet to talk about their problems, because I use it too, but I cannot ignore the amount of crazy/unstable/issues that flock to online dating. That would be intellectually dishonest.

 

And then THEY STILL DO IT. They continue doing this stuff even though it's painful for them. What do we call people who don't want but need? I know a lot of guys who are embarrassed to say that they use OLD or feel they need to explain why. Usually people need to say why like "I'm online dating because..." I want to get to the point I'm proud of it.

 

That's because we are online on a forum. Online = Online.

Trust me, I've got single friends offline who are dating and the "crazy" abounds everywhere.

[Cookiesandough]

MaleIntuition just packaged through his example exactly what I mean when I mean it takes a special kind of desperate. Going through and reading the profiles of people who might not even exist. How about just going outdoors if you like outdoorsy, adventure girls? The best relationships I know were from people who were only vaguely open to a relationship, some didn't really even want one but it was the right girl/guy and happenstance. Reading thousands of profiles? I can't fall for someone I pity and I pity anyone who has read a thousand profiles. I know I sound judgmental af but just a reminder I use OLD too. My dog is in this fight.

[Popsicle]

MaleIntuition just packaged through his example exactly what I mean when I mean it takes a special kind of desperate. Going through and reading the profiles of people who might not even exist. How about just going outdoors if you like outdoorsy, adventure girls? The best relationships I know were from people who were only vaguely open to a relationship, some didn't really even want one but it was the right girl/guy and happenstance. Reading thousands of profiles? I can't fall for someone I pity and I pity anyone who has read a thousand profiles. I know I sound judgmental af but just a reminder I use OLD too. My dog is in this fight.

 

Well if you want to talk yourself out of OLD, then don't do OLD. Simple.

 

But if you want to continue doing OLD, what is the point of beating it up?

 

You could always do both, you know?

[nothingsintheflowerz]

This is such an old way of thinking... how does making an OLD profile make you desperate? It's convenient and a lot of people are doing it regardless of their commitment level to it.

[Cookiesandough]

No,I do want to do it. I don't mean to 'beat it up', pops. I just was looking for arguments challenging my beliefs about it. I am trying to shake these beliefs. I just don't want to feel it is this way even though reason dictates it is. Please understand that I do hear what you all are saying and I will think on it. Thank you.

[LoverOfDance]

Yup, a lot of ppl are definitely embarrassed to say they are online dating. That has nothing to do with me though. I legitimately don't give a tiny rat's a$$ what people think of me when I tell them I'm online dating. Some of my friends are on Tinder. They've probably seen me on there too. I'm not embarrassed in any way. Don't care, lol.

 

I think you're just frustrated with online dating. You have every right to be though. It can be frustrating sometimes. I find dating in general to be frustrating sometimes and not just online dating. Whatever you choose to do, you have my support. Be it online dating, offline dating or no dating at all. Do what is best for you. You're an adult and I think you're the only one who really knows what is best for you. No one on here can really tell you that.

[Cookiesandough]

I could do both, but one of my worries is that I meet someone online and I actually get to like him/fall for him and and I'm ashamed to tell my friends I met him there.

 

I will admit to you guys...I would never say this out loud, even around my friends.... But sometimes when I am on a date with a guy I met online I think how desperate he must have been to be doing this? I am not a hypocrite. I wouldn't be surprised if the same was thought of me. No one else gets that feeling?

 

I am sorry for being so judgmental. It's just hard because the most online way my friends have met someone is after an event through a facebook group. Not online dating.

[snowboy91]

How about just going outdoors if you like outdoorsy, adventure girls?

 

The outdoors can be a very lonely place. And experience tells me outdoorsy activities are generally a sausage fest or are done by much older people. That being said, I'm happy to be proven wrong!

 

To my own point though - I feel that "desperation" is a word that's a bit too extreme for the situation. I don't think everyone on OLD and looking for a relationship is broken in any way - it might, as many have mentioned, be because people are a bit shy for approaching potential partners in person (introverted) - that suits some people. It might be because prior decisions have caused them to start looking when everyone else is already partnered - for example, someone who decides to focus on a career, or business, or study, or travel. Or it might be that they've had a string of relationships that just weren't right for them. There are plenty of reasons, and not all of them bad.

[act00]

I don't see it as desperate. I see it as a tool to meet people you otherwise wouldn't. Not everyone has a vast social life or wants to fill their every day with activities. I'm at work a majority of my waking hours. I'm tired. I don't want to go out all the time. I don't want to be busy all the time. Most people in my age range are dealing with families and work, and they're at home or dealing with the kids' activities and they're not going out either. Sure, anyone can try to find some activities and get out more, and some people really need the time to decompress, deal with chores, wind down, prepare for the week ahead. I'm more introverted than extroverted, and while I like to get out once in awhile, I don't want my down time filled with tons of activities and people. It leaves me with OLD, to see if I can connect with someone. I don't see it as desperation but merely a tool.

[MaleIntuition]

MaleIntuition just packaged through his example exactly what I mean when I mean it takes a special kind of desperate. Going through and reading the profiles of people who might not even exist. How about just going outdoors if you like outdoorsy, adventure girls? The best relationships I know were from people who were only vaguely open to a relationship, some didn't really even want one but it was the right girl/guy and happenstance. Reading thousands of profiles? I can't fall for someone I pity and I pity anyone who has read a thousand profiles. I know I sound judgmental af but just a reminder I use OLD too. My dog is in this fight.

 

Well, if you swipe 10 people per day for 3 month that’s 900, the numbers simply adds up fairly quickly. Why pity hard work?

 

In the end, if you chose to believe that everyone whom are using old are desperate, that will quickly become a self fulfilling prophecy and you will look for evidence that they are (confirmation bias). I’m trying to provide a different narrative where OLD is just another tool and perhaps a perspective where people who meet orginacally are... lucky?

 

And again, yes, go out in real life, absolutely! But one thing doesn’t stop you from doing the other. Let’s say I sign up for an organised ski-trip. There might be 10 participants. Let’s say 5 girls, maybe 2 are in relationships and 1 is bit to old for me. If I’m LUCKY, I’m attracted to one of the remaining two and the feelings are mutual.

[Cookiesandough]

Okay thank you, snowboy, act00, and MaleIntuition. I actually think I'm starting to come around. It's just a tool, it's just a tool. Some people don't like going out a lot and it's easier to find people to connect with on the internet.

 

 

I think the feeling came to the fore, as LoverofDance suggested, because my last date with a really crazy person who feigned sanity really well for 4 hours. Though, even prior, I would be on dates with guys and I would think of how he came to this event to buy (me) a stranger drinks based upon a few pictures (I basically had 0 profile), and talk for a few hours, when there are so many women around at this event/venue. Why? It seemed kind of desperate. To compound this, the guys would say they weren't sure I was misrepresenting myself, but they figured why not try. I've seen it repeated here, where men would find themselves on dates with women they had no 'chemistry', little attraction to, or they couldn't hold a conversation with. My dates told me this happened on their dates online as well. I can't understand why someone would risk doing that with their evening. Maybe they are the adventurous type. Maybe they just like to meet people and they don't care if doesn't work out. I just need to look at this positively. Not negatively.

 

Thanks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is something so utterly inorganic and forced in OLD that it makes me want to

 

I don't equate it to going to bars and clubs at all. When I was in mid 20s and actually living in the same place for a decent amount of time, I had a great social circle. Even though I am an introvert with some social akwardness, this circle kind of just naturally happened. We went out every weekend. Going to bars and clubs started with girls meeting up at someone's apartment and then doing hair and makeup, picking out outfits while drinking wine and listening to music. I also love to dance so going to clubs with good music and good friends was always fun. Sure, meeting men was something we all talked about but it wasn't the only reason why we were there. I actually met most quality guys that way. Comparing the fun of those experiences to dry awfulness of first OLDs or even chats: "umm sooo where are you from?" for the 100th time. Ugh. Just can't compare.

 

After a certain age and lots of moving around, I don't have those social circles anymore. People my age are married with kids. I can't even go to clubs and dance where most people are 18-25. Going to a bar by myself possibly feels even more desperate than OLD (I have never actually done it). So OLD is all that's left. I was hoping that there must be guys on there who are in the same situation as me. But for the most part....no.

 

Most men I meet have this whiff of desperation and loserliness around them. I am not saying that there is nothing wrong with me. There is plenty. It's just that relative to men I keep meeting on OLD, I find that what's wrong with me just pales in comparison. Occasionally when I met what seemed to be a quality guy that's not an obvious player, it always turned out that he is just a .....more skilled player.

 

Everything about OLD depresses me. The whole concept of it, the utter lack of feeling of enjoyment of any parts of the process, the poor return on my investment of time...just everything. Someone please shoot me if I mention going back to OLD again.

[Interstellar]

There is something so utterly inorganic and forced in OLD that it makes me want to

 

I don't equate it to going to bars and clubs at all. When I was in mid 20s and actually living in the same place for a decent amount of time, I had a great social circle. Even though I am an introvert with some social akwardness, this circle kind of just naturally happened. We went out every weekend. Going to bars and clubs started with girls meeting up at someone's apartment and then doing hair and makeup, picking out outfits while drinking wine and listening to music. I also love to dance so going to clubs with good music and good friends was always fun. Sure, meeting men was something we all talked about but it wasn't the only reason why we were there. I actually met most quality guys that way. Comparing the fun of those experiences to dry awfulness of first OLDs or even chats: "umm sooo where are you from?" for the 100th time. Ugh. Just can't compare.

 

After a certain age and lots of moving around, I don't have those social circles anymore. People my age are married with kids. I can't even go to clubs and dance where most people are 18-25. Going to a bar by myself possibly feels even more desperate than OLD (I have never actually done it). So OLD is all that's left. I was hoping that there must be guys on there who are in the same situation as me. But for the most part....no.

 

Most men I meet have this whiff of desperation and loserliness around them. I am not saying that there is nothing wrong with me. There is plenty. It's just that relative to men I keep meeting on OLD, I find that what's wrong with me just pales in comparison. Occasionally when I met what seemed to be a quality guy that's not an obvious player, it always turned out that he is just a .....more skilled player.

 

Everything about OLD depresses me. The whole concept of it, the utter lack of feeling of enjoyment of any parts of the process, the poor return on my investment of time...just everything. Someone please shoot me if I mention going back to OLD again.

 

Have you considered using a real life matchmaker?

Edited January 22, 2018 by Interstellar

[CptInsano]

[...]

After a certain age and lots of moving around, I don't have those social circles anymore. People my age are married with kids. I can't even go to clubs and dance where most people are 18-25. Going to a bar by myself possibly feels even more desperate than OLD (I have never actually done it). So OLD is all that's left. I was hoping that there must be guys on there who are in the same situation as me. But for the most part....no.

[...]

 

Several of my friends and colleagues used old to find somebody. Some had several dates a week for a few months, then they found somebody and removed themselves from OLD. Others took a little longer.

 

Those who remained on OLD either had some quirks or just wanted to date and nothing more.

 

What I'm trying to say is: Yes, there are probably regular guys on OLD looking for a relationship, but the time window to meet them is fairly narrow.

[Art_Critic]

While I never did the App thing, I did do online dating and met my wife on Match...

 

I used OLD because my life didn't include room for going out and finding a date..

I worked 12+ hrs a day, owned 2 homes and would spend from Friday thru Sunday at my second home in the mountains so there was no time to

"go out" and meet anybody..

I also don't drink so I don't go to bars or dance clubs.

 

I have/had hobbies that kept me busy as well...

 

I was happy with my life the way it was and was living it on my terms..except doing that left NO time to do anything relating to finding someone and OLD was easy peasy...

 

When I went thru a divorce a few years before I sunk myself into my life rather than trying to fill a void with a body...

Although OLD allowed me to date and have relationships I did it for years till I found my wife...

 

The rest is history...

 

BTW, I was never desperate and met many women online that were in similar situations, just living life had a way of removing all the time that I would have used for finding someone like when I was younger.

[Shining One]

I will admit to you guys...I would never say this out loud, even around my friends.... But sometimes when I am on a date with a guy I met online I think how desperate he must have been to be doing this? I am not a hypocrite. I wouldn't be surprised if the same was thought of me. No one else gets that feeling?

I personally don't understand this feeling, but I know it's fairly common. I've seen quite a few women's profiles that said in some form: "Let's make up a story about how we met."

[Imajerk17]

I thought you were taking a break from dating OP ?

 

It's a Rorsach test really. I mean, look at your experiences from OLD. You make contact w people in some instances multiple times, then for who knows why, you just ghost and block, no concern for the confusion caused, and then move right on to the next guy. Couldn't behaviour like that get someone to write a thread saying 'Women Online Are Crazy And Entitled' (which I don't agree w btw).

 

It does no good for you to put down the guys you see online. Fix yourself and your own behaviour first. People in glass houses....

Edited January 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Cookiesandough]

I thought you were taking a break from dating OP ?

 

It's a Rorsach test really. I mean, look at your experiences from OLD. You make contact w people in some instances multiple times, then for who knows why, you just ghost and block no concern for the confusion caused others, and then move right on to the next guy. Couldn't behaviour like that get someone to write a thread saying 'Women Online Are Crazy And Entitled' (which I don't agree w btw).

 

It does no good for you to put down the guys you see online. Fix yourself and your own behaviour first. People in glass houses....

 

Sorry I didn't mean to put people down. Like I said, I am in this camp too. I was just voicing this nagging feeling in my head, or as Eternal put it, a 'whiff' I got, but I'm trying to see past it. I may be insane, but I haven't given up yet. Perhaps something will happen and I'll meet someone nice. It's just so hard to take seriously forging a romantic relationship with someone under these circumstances. It seems so...forced. That's the best word I can think of.

 

I don't do that behavior any more since the guy I reconnected with from last year. On my last date I tried very hard. Maybe I just had bad luck again that time (That's what they all say...)with a desperate man. I think I will continue dating for awhile now that the dust has settled that date. It's hard because I am put off at the moment and cringing at the whole idea. But I'm going to try. TY

Edited January 22, 2018 by Cookiesandough