Boyfriend and his best friend / boundaries

[captivepulse]

Warning: long post ahead!

 

So I've been with my bf for 7 months now. At the start of our relationship, I mentioned to him that I have some insecurities after being with many men that have cheated on me. I've really tried to work on it on my own, but we discussed it and I decided to get therapy for it to better our relationship. I have my very first appointment tomorrow.

 

As I still have trust issues, I was kinda uncomfortable with one of his female friends. She would often call him pet names and he explained to me that she often went to him for emotional support even though she was married. She would even complain about her husband to him. I explained to him that I felt it was inappropriate of her and that she should be discussing her problems with her husband and keeping them between them. I also asked him to please not talk about our relationship with her and to come to me if he has a problem and he agreed. Eventually, he mentioned to her my insecurities and asked that she backed off a little with her texts and calls. She explained that she thought I really needed therapy and that it was unfair to ask such a thing, but finally agreed, except some days she would try to message him often or still call him pet names and talk badly about me. I felt like she was really starting to push the boundaries we had set, so he stopped answering her messages as often.

 

Well recently, his friend explained to him that she is now separating from her husband and probably getting a divorce. This made me feel a little on edge because I felt she might try something with my bf now that she is "free" and she didn't seem to respect our relationship at all. I ended up snooping and checking his texts from her and found a message from her today, asking him if he loved her enough to look at half-naked photos of herself. He declined, but I felt he didn't really handle the situation properly. So later I told him that I saw the messages and that I am really uncomfortable with him talking to her at all now. I told him it was his choice to stay with me or be friends with her as I felt that she way overstepped boundaries and it was obvious she didn't take our relationship seriously or just didn't care at all.

 

He sent several messages explaining the situation and telling her that he wanted to make sure that I felt secure in our relationship and that she went way too far this time, so he thought it was best that they stop talking.

 

What I want to know is if it was right of me to give him the ultimatum and for him to cut off contact with her? If not, what would you do in this situation? I plan to also ask my therapist tomorrow. Thanks for reading my long post!

 

PS: I know I will get flack for reading his messages and it is something that I did that was wrong and I really hope therapy will help me with it.

He did explain to me before that he had no problem with me seeing his texts. I went for so long resisted the urge to check, but I felt it in my gut that she might try something, I just really wish it didn't happen.

[PegNosePete]

I also asked him to please not talk about our relationship with her and to come to me if he has a problem and he agreed. Eventually, he mentioned to her my insecurities and asked that she backed off a little

I don't think you had any insecurities here. I think you set reasonable and normal boundaries. It's a bit strange (and kinda wrong) that he blamed it on your insecurities. Like he was making excuses for your normal and reasonable request, in order to keep her sweet.

 

Rather than "I am in a relationship and it's not appropriate for us to have this kind of conversation", he says "I want to carry on but my gf has issues". Red flag.

 

He sent several messages explaining the situation and telling her that he wanted to make sure that I felt secure in our relationship and that she went way too far this time, so he thought it was best that they stop talking.

Again with the blaming YOU. This has nothing to do with you or your insecurities. This is 100% to do with her lack of respect and lack of boundaries, his bad handling of the situation, and his lack of respect for you and your relationship. He should have told her to BACK OFF and CUT THAT OUT in no uncertain terms, without you having to get involved. The fact that he didn't, is a big red flag.

 

If not, what would you do in this situation?

I would probably just dump him. It's clear that he has a thing for her, and he's keeping her on reserve in case things don't work out between you. That's not acceptable behaviour when someone is in a relationship, IMO.

 

I know I will get flack for reading his messages and it is something that I did that was wrong

Not from me. If you find something, the end justifies the means. If you hadn't found anything then it would be another matter... but you did.

 

He did explain to me before that he had no problem with me seeing his texts

The double bluff. It backfired on him. Well, you should definitely have no guilt about snooping then, since he already gave you permission.

[raizel]

I know a lot of people don't agree with me, but I don't think snooping is too bad if you actually catch him being inappropriate. You snooped because your instincts told you something was wrong. 90% of the time your instincts are correct because yeah... he gave you a reason to feel uncomfortable.

 

I agree with the person above. Cut him off. Do not let him disrespect you like that. Don't try to do those ultimatums - they make you look needy and that'll make him value you even less.

Show him that you don't have time for him if he's not going to take this relationship seriously.

 

All the best. Good luck.

[salparadise]

Don't worry about the snooping. You had already been given permission, but even if you didn't, you had plenty of justification.

 

Now, the boyfriend and his so called bff... it seems like she is the one with the boundary problem, and his only transgression was not cutting her off as soon as you would've preferred, and without you having to say anything.

 

"...telling her that he wanted to make sure that I felt secure in our relationship and that she went way too far this time, so he thought it was best that they stop talking."

 

While the ultimatum may have been a bit much, it was a fair and accurate statement of where you stand. i don't think it was an egregious overstepping. However, in doing so you denied yourself the opportunity see if he would figure it out for himself and do the right thing, consequences notwithstanding.

 

What you're left with is, while the immediate situation has been resolved, you're left wondering what he would've done if you'd have given him enough rope to show you exactly what he's made of.

 

Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who needs to be snooped on and requires a separate ultimatum for each and every instance? But that part is on you, isn't it? Perhaps it will be revealed through therapy, or perhaps it will inspire the growth you both need to not have this issue arise in the future.

[Space Ritual]

As I still have trust issues, I was kinda uncomfortable with one of his female friends. She would often call him pet names and he explained to me that she often went to him for emotional support even though she was married. She would even complain about her husband to him. I explained to him that I felt it was inappropriate of her and that she should be discussing her problems with her husband and keeping them between them. I also asked him to please not talk about our relationship with her and to come to me if he has a problem and he agreed. Eventually, he mentioned to her my insecurities and asked that she backed off a little with her texts and calls. She explained that she thought I really needed therapy and that it was unfair to ask such a thing, but finally agreed, except some days she would try to message him often or still call him pet names and talk badly about me. I felt like she was really starting to push the boundaries we had set, so he stopped answering her messages as often.

 

Get a new boyfriend. At the very least he is currently in an emotional affair with a married woman. At worst he is having sex with both of you.

 

And frankly they both like it. Otherwise this boundary would never be straddles, let alone crossed.

 

I believe he is banging you both. I've seen too many of these cases that start out the way you describe only to spiral into a vortex of needless drams.

 

Sharing relationship secrets with someone whom you are not in a relationship with is about as bad as it gets. This one is over. Get out now and run screaming from these two before you get into an even worse situation with them.

 

And do not worry about all the snooping business. In my opinion, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

We have a long running debate about snooping here and it's justification. It will not be solved over the duration of your thread so don't worry a second about that.

 

There is no use in delivering an ultimatum. They rarely come out the way you want, and just make things worse because usually the issuer of the ultimatum rarely if ever follows through on said consequences the first time around.

 

Save yourself the head and heartache and move on today while you are in the mood for ending it.

 

And yes, dump him today.It isn't going to get any better in this relationship...ever.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Space Ritual

[d0nnivain]

I really disagree with everyone who is telling you to get a new BF. Your BF sided with you over a dear friend in crisis. While she was inappropriate in the end he put distance in their relationship for you. The way he explained himself was a cop out. He sounds like he's whining that he's "whipped". It would have been better if he said he thought she was exceeding the bounds of good taste & he felt it was disrespectful to his romantic relationship with you but at least he did what you wanted. Since he did what you asked I think you can be more understanding about the fact that he did it inelegantly.

[Space Ritual]

I really disagree with everyone who is telling you to get a new BF. Your BF sided with you over a dear friend in crisis. While she was inappropriate in the end he put distance in their relationship for you. The way he explained himself was a cop out. He sounds like he's whining that he's "whipped". It would have been better if he said he thought she was exceeding the bounds of good taste & he felt it was disrespectful to his romantic relationship with you but at least he did what you wanted. Since he did what you asked I think you can be more understanding about the fact that he did it inelegantly.

 

He did what she wanted for now...until it starts up again.

 

Which we both know it will.

 

His detaching from this is not by his choice, nor does he even really think he's done anything untoward.

 

Because of the way he has worded the enforcement of the boundaries to this other woman, he is basically laying all the the fault at the feet of the OP and not his own. So in effect, he just left the door cracked for this to continue.

 

Perhaps a little more clandestinely, but continue it will.

 

Which is why I maintain she needs to get rid of this guy. Because this is not over by a long shot.

[harrybrown]

I think you should be happy about how he handled her attempt to send him naked photos.

 

Hope you give him some credit for this.

 

She was pushing into dangerous territory and he resisted the temptation.

 

sounds like you may have better luck with this one than ones in the past.

 

Give this guy a little chance and a pat on the back.

[captivepulse]

Thank you all so much for your input, it has helped me a lot!

 

Today I went to see my therapist but we basically only entered information and didn't get to really talk about anything, I'm hoping the next appointment will involve talking about my issues more.

 

As for the other girl, she currently lives in Virginia while we are in Arizona. He claims he has not even seen her in person for quite some time. I realize they have been friends for so long and in this routine, so I think what he did was very hard for him as I think it would be for me, to stop talking to someone I've known for 20 years or so.

 

There are a few things that have gotten confused as I probably worded them badly while typing this really stressed and tired at 4 am.

 

One thing is that they only discussed her relationship with her husband and once I found that out, it was actually at the beginning of our relationship, I told him the rule about not discussing their relationships with each other anymore. The only time he did mention me was about the insecurity issues while I was sitting next to him, so as far as I know, he has not talked about us to her since then.

 

I do believe he was very wrong in the way he handled the situation with her and I just couldn't put it into words and you guys helped me a lot with that. It was him putting the blame on me while explaining things to her instead of calling her out. It was like he was trying to seem like the nice guy to her still even though he has told me several times he doesn't even care how she feels, he just wants me to be happy about it. So I am not sure what to think of it really.

 

I'm going to choose to stay with him and see if therapy can help us because aside from this girl, this is the best relationship I have ever been in. I will never lie to myself and let myself be hurt again, so if I ever feel like he is doing something extremely wrong (which I pick up on even the little things), I will end it.

 

I'll keep you guys posted. Thanks again!

[sandylee1]

I think you acted appropriately and in the end so did your BF when you gave him the ultimatum.

 

I think men find it hard to be harsh with women throwing themselves at them.

 

He declined to see the pics. He doesn't sound like a bad guy.

[Excalibur1814]

I honestly feel that you should split. Some damage has now been done, by BOTH of you, but at least you're starting to work on your issues and that can only be a good thing.

 

Stay single. Work on your feelings and issues and THEN embark on a new relationship.

 

You, or I, do not own our partners. Men and Women will always have friends and, although we can get jealous, that feeling has no place in a healthy relationship. Reading his messages was, is, will always be, a very bad thing. Respect and Trust have been broken, or at least damaged, which means that HE, as well as you, deserve to go your own way.

 

 

Love yourself, see your own beauty, be relaxed with all things and the world might just send you someone that'll never tarnish that feeling.

[road]

I honestly feel that you should split. Some damage has now been done, by BOTH of you, but at least you're starting to work on your issues and that can only be a good thing.

 

Stay single. Work on your feelings and issues and THEN embark on a new relationship.

 

You, or I, do not own our partners. Men and Women will always have friends and, although we can get jealous, that feeling has no place in a healthy relationship. Reading his messages was, is, will always be, a very bad thing. Respect and Trust have been broken, or at least damaged, which means that HE, as well as you, deserve to go your own way.

 

 

Love yourself, see your own beauty, be relaxed with all things and the world might just send you someone that'll never tarnish that feeling.

 

It is normal to want to keep long term friends when entering

a new relationship. There is the tendency to ignore boundary

pushing by the old friend, after all they are just friends.

 

The OP was right to call her behavior out to her BF. The photo

offer made the BF realize that this old "friend" was not a friend

of his current relationship and has gone NC with her.

 

The BF did not keep this relationship hidden, he allowed his GF

access to monitor things, and when push came to shove he dumped

this old friend.

 

There is no need to telling the OP that she must dump him

when he is doing what she requires.

[KBob]

I think your actions were justified.

 

When you looked through the messages did you look at more past conversations from them? Was there anything else inappropriate in there?