Update; MM left and went back twice...

[Rebelnoir]

So I thought I would update everyone with what's been happening since last June (has it really been that long?! Time has flown)

 

I really appreciated everyone's replies, I read them often and they helped me get a sense of perspective. So thank you. I know over the last year or so I came here looking for hope, advice and understanding. I also wanted to read other people's stories to see what *could* happen in my situation. So I thought I would share what's been happening incase anybody is looking for some of the Same...here it goes...

 

I think when I'd last posted, MM had just gone back to his wife after leaving for the second time, and they had just come back from a holiday to try and figure things out.

 

MM and I eventually resumed the physical side of the affair. This is something i'm not proud of, and it really caused a lot of issues between us. To the point where sometimes we would be having sex and I would be crying from the guilt and the messiness of it all. During this time he was still saying the same; I love you, I need to be home for my child, I don't love her. Etc etc. We were still seeing each other at work as well and maintaining regular contact outside of work.

 

Anyway at some point, I think around September, he stopped replying to my messages, which was odd as he was away on a work trip and so had no reason not to. We had slept together a few days prior and I remember just feeling very hurt by his distance. I can't remember all of the details now, but he had been stressed out before this point and had told me his wife was ill, throwing up all the time etc and they had been in and out of hospital having tests. Anyway the next time I saw him...he told me his wife was pregnant, due in Feb '18, at which point he was planning to have 6 months off work. She'd gotten pregnant shortly after the holiday...the holiday he told me was all about their child, no sex or couple time.

 

Apparently it had been an accident; she had stopped taking the pill without telling him... (I really don't believe this anymore and he had just found out. I was devastated because it really was the end of us. I felt as if my world had ended and I just remember falling apart at work thinking what now? The man I love is never going to be with me. He was adamant he hadn't know she was pregnant whilst we had been sleeping together (again I find this hard to believe as she was apparantly in and out of hospital according to him. When I asked him about how the doctors had seemingly overlooked the pregnancy, he gave some BS response). Even worse we had not been using contraception when we were having sex and so I could have ended up pregnant at the same time.

 

I'm (again) ashamed to say we continued the affair for a short while after I found this out, and were physical on maybe two more occasions. Emotionally things stayed the same, and we were still spending time together. I don't know why I let things continue, physically, I think I just missed him so much and he wanted it. It was a way of being close. He was still saying the same old crap, about loving me...how he felt he had been trapped now etc. He always wanted us to be part of each other's lives etc. He also said he was no longer having 6 months off when the baby came and so we would still see each other.

 

Around November/December I hit rock bottom. The affair was continuing and I couldn't see a way out of this situation with him. He was going to have a baby and he was going to disappear when this happened. He had also been very clear that now, no matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't be leaving his wife. In my mind I kind've had a cut off point and had told myself that when the baby was born I would stop seeing him, but the thought of that was hurting me so much..I couldn't imagine not being in each other's lives. I'm reality I think I thought the affair would continue and sonthe thought of not seeing him every day at work for 6 months was heartbreaking. In any event I reached breaking point well before that.

 

At the start of December we had planned to go for lunch as I was going to be away for a few weeks and we wouldn't see each other. Everything had been normal between us, but that day he told me he wasn't coming for lunch. I ended up breaking down and basically telling him I didn't want him in my life anymore. I just couldn't take the constant cycle of rejection and hurt. In my mind I wanted to see him, and out of nowhere he was choosing not to spend time with me when he knew we wouldn't see each other for weeks. In the end we went for lunch but spent the whole time arguing. The next day we ended up meeting for lunch again, so we could apologise for the previous day, and things were normal. We kissed goodbye and promised to speak whilst I was away.

 

We did message, but nowhere near as frequently as normal. But when I got back to work after the end of my holiday, he wasn't there. This wasn't planned and I had no idea where he was. I messaged him a few times, and didn't get a reply. I was upset as I wanted to know he wasn't ok, I missed him and I was shocked and hurt by his disappearance. However, by this stage I had also been dealing with my own feelings and so this was not a massive heartbreak for me. Today I've heard he is currently off sick and will now likely be having 6 months off when the baby is born. Weirdly I'm ok with that. I'm looking for a new job and will hopefully be gone by the time he comes back. I don't want to see him and although I'm sad I might never see him again I honestly think it's for the best.

[Rebelnoir]

That turned into a mammoth post. If anyone got through that...well done

 

Since I hit rock bottom in November/December I have spent so much time trying to understand myself, and why I ended up in this situation. A few things have hit me. I realised that I have a habit of dating unavailable men. MM was almost the ultimate manifestation of this, the one who served as a wake up call. When I tried to look at why this was the case I realised it could be down to losing my father at a very, very early age. Because I was so young I never thought I had to deal with his death, but the more I read up on it the more I realised it could be part of the issue. I'm not trying to make excuses for my role in the A, I was wrong. But I needed to understand how and why I let this happen and became the OW. Why I had such terrible relationships, why I was ok being second best, dealing with constant rejection.

 

This also highlighted a massive lack of self care and self love. And my habit of helping other people to the detriment of my own needs. The more I have tried to focus on myself, the less time I have had for MM in my headspace.

 

The first thing I did when I was in a dark place was get myself to the doctors. He prescribed me anti depressants and referred me for counselling. I haven't taken the medication as I really would like to try and avoid taking it if I can. I should be having my first counselling session next month. It's specifically focussed on relationships and childhood grief, which I think I need. I'm hopeful this will help me deal with some issues that I obviously need to deal with.

 

In terms of MM the distance we have had has been a good thing. I no longer feel emotionally involved in him or the situation. I still miss him every now and then, but that usually gets replaced by anger, pity and surprise that I could have loved somebody who behaved how he did. I know realise everything he did came from a place of dishonesty and selfishness. I cannot think of one thing he did where he had my interests at heart, despite claiming to love me. He would say that leaving his wife was the ultimate proof of that but I disagree. He left because he wanted to escape something that was making him unhappy, and who knows the truth behind it all. Maybe she threw him out. Anyway, my overwhelming feeling towards him is anger at the way he treated me, the way he has just disappeared again (considering the last time he saw me I was pretty much broken) without a word. None of his actions reflect how you treat somebody you love.

 

I did/do (?) love him though and mainly I just hope he has a happy life and that he and his wife can work towards that together, for themselves and for their kids. I am grateful that I am not with him and I feel sorry that his wife is stuck with him, as he is a poor excuse for a man. I am also disgusted with myself for my part in all of this, and I am trying to think of a way to make that ok, although I'm at a loss.

 

I'm still trying to repair some of the relationships in my life that have suffered as a result of the A. I don't know if I ever will. I'm trying to find myself again and forgive myself. Today, I wish there was a reset button on my life so I could go back and make different choices. I would never ruin myself again for a man that is nowhere near worth it.

 

There are so many things I want to say to any woman (or man) who is in the situation I found myself in. So many words of warning that I wish I could share, but there's just no way of encapsulating the life changing, soul destroying pain that affairs cause. My only regret in all of this is the pain that I helped inflict on an innocent woman. I would give almost anything to take that away from her, but I know I can't and that guilt is sometimes overwhelming.

Edited January 23, 2018 by Rebelnoir
Typos

[sandylee1]

So after all the back and forth...he ended back with his wife...she got pregnant...you still remained as an OW and he still pretty much dumped you by ghosting you.

 

He was a cheater grom day 1...from before he got married...to when she was pregnant...except you thought you were special.

 

I hope you have finally seen him for what he is...but if he comes back...it looks like you'd jumped right back in the affair.

 

Don't waste anymore time on him. It's the one thing in life you never get back.

[BaileyB]

It sounds like you have turned a corner... don't go back.

 

I wish you well with counselling. Focus on yourself and believe, there are wonderful things in your future.

[CantTakeMySmile]

So, in essence, he just disappeared two

Months ago? Did you try to contact him? How often? But not a word from him? This sounds so much like my situation. Except my ex is separated by didn’t seem fast on moving forward, though her wife did move out of state for work. But vanish it was. That was the hardest part. I deserve to be broken up with. Ugh!

[Rebelnoir]

So after all the back and forth...he ended back with his wife...she got pregnant...you still remained as an OW and he still pretty much dumped you by ghosting you.

 

He was a cheater grom day 1...from before he got married...to when she was pregnant...except you thought you were special.

 

I hope you have finally seen him for what he is...but if he comes back...it looks like you'd jumped right back in the affair.

 

Don't waste anymore time on him. It's the one thing in life you never get back.

 

Yes you're right, this situation was like pretty much every other affair, and I was no different to every other OW. It's insane how convinced you can be that your own situation is different.

 

I like to think I wouldn't jump into the affair. We haven't spoken in over a month, I haven't reached out to him, and that's the longest period of time we've had. more than that my head is just in a different place. I don't feel the same way towards him. But I'm not naive and I know that he obviously has a way of talking me round and I clearly have issues in cutting him off so I'm actively trying to find a new job in the hope that I will be gone before he comes back. I have blocked him from being able to contact me and I don't have his numbers any more. I honestly want this to be the end.

[Rebelnoir]

It sounds like you have turned a corner... don't go back.

 

I wish you well with counselling. Focus on yourself and believe, there are wonderful things in your future.

 

I really hope so. I know I have a lot to work through, but for the first time in a long time I feel somewhat like myself again.

[Rebelnoir]

So after all the back and forth...he ended back with his wife...she got pregnant...you still remained as an OW and he still pretty much dumped you by ghosting you.

 

He was a cheater grom day 1...from before he got married...to when she was pregnant...except you thought you were special.

 

I hope you have finally seen him for what he is...but if he comes back...it looks like you'd jumped right back in the affair.

 

Don't waste anymore time on him. It's the one thing in life you never get back.

 

Also...Part of the reason I came back to post was so that anyone who is where I was, thinking they were special and their A was different could see another example of when everyone on here was exactly right when they guessed how this would work out.

[Rebelnoir]

So, in essence, he just disappeared two

Months ago? Did you try to contact him? How often? But not a word from him? This sounds so much like my situation. Except my ex is separated by didn’t seem fast on moving forward, though her wife did move out of state for work. But vanish it was. That was the hardest part. I deserve to be broken up with. Ugh!

 

Yes he disappeared after a big argument during which I told him I wished he would disappear from my life and never speak to me again. I'm not sure how many messages I sent, maybe 4. He'd been eplyingbto my messages then...nothing. The disappearing does hurt, and I know what you mean about deserving to be broken up with. But the way I see it, if he contacted me what would there be to say? Not very much. The situation is what it is and he's made the choices he thinks he needs to. All I can do is focus on myself. I am so much happier not being involved with him, I really was at breaking point, and now I'm not. So I need to do what's right for me. I hope you find some clarity, I'm trying to as much as I can

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am so much happier not being involved with him, I really was at breaking point, and now I'm not. So I need to do what's right for me. I hope you find some clarity, I'm trying to as much as I can

 

This right here is what I needed to hear tonight! Thank you!!

[S2B]

The ONLY reason you've ended up in this situation is because:

 

YOU kept participating.

 

 

The solution is simple:

 

DO NOT Participate! Not on any level!

 

 

 

Ps - the way your MM is portrayed as a victim almost made me throw up!

 

HE is also responsible for his actions... yep, he actually put his penis in his wife and she got pregnant again! Imagine that...

 

And.... he's such a liar.

 

Stop believing his lies!

[BuddyX]

What will you do in 6 months, when he reaches out? Because you know he will. Think about it; young baby, wife hormonal, no intimacy, he’ll look for a FWB.

[MidnightBlue1980]

What a terrible experience. I can feel your back and forth and your pain.

 

The thing is that you can spend the rest of your life in therapy talking about why you do this, etc etc. And that has merit, many of my friends have therapist. I have on and off.

 

But what counts now is action. You can analyze yourself later. Don't think, just do. You've been given a gift here. Take it. Are you single, no kids? Leave this job. Move. I'd tell you to change your number and email but these days that is tough, we can be found too easily. You need distance. 100% this guy will be back and men that cheat on their pregnant wives are a special kind of guy, only surpassed by men that cheat on their sick wives.

 

I understand that you are in too deep to understand the type of guy this is so just focus on your own survival. It's you or him now. He will take you under and he won't care.

 

I don't talk about this much as it's long ago and not why I'm here but maybe 15 years ago I met a guy at work, he was separating and he did, quickly, for a while he moved near me in the city. But over time he was back and forth, could not get divorced, lied about it, it was terrible. I lost 3 years. I was very thin, it was tragic.

 

Tragic gets old. One day I just quit my job and moved. I did not give him my address, though he knew I was moving. I said, file for divorce or never contact me again. He blamed me for not waiting longer. But here is the funny thing. I moved on 12/30 and I tell you, I thought my world was over. But come March, I started dating again, come spring, I felt better. New. And then I met my now husband.

 

And the really funny part - shortly after that I ran into him! And I felt nothing. No anger, no love. I was just hey, how are you? Bizarre right?

 

You would be shocked how fast these feelings go away. I need to add that I also traveled. That helps. My job sent me to CA for a month. You need new. New new new.

 

How do I know your guy will be back? Because this guy sent me a Linked In request and a text message a few months ago after 12 years about songs on the radio and thinking of me. I did not respond.

 

These guys....they look for the easy mark. They do not go away unless you show zero interest. You need to save yourself because honey, no one else will.

[Road To Happiness]

The last post is a great one.

 

Please don't let this man steal any more of your time.

[Rebelnoir]

The ONLY reason you've ended up in this situation is because:

 

YOU kept participating.

 

 

The solution is simple:

 

DO NOT Participate! Not on any level!

 

 

 

Ps - the way your MM is portrayed as a victim almost made me throw up!

 

HE is also responsible for his actions... yep, he actually put his penis in his wife and she got pregnant again! Imagine that...

 

And.... he's such a liar.

 

Stop believing his lies!

 

Yes I completely agree, even when he showed me his true colours I still participated. Looking back I have no idea why. But at the time, I wanted so badly to believe what he was telling me. And then after he'd gone home I wante to believe what he said about the love he had for me, because in my mind if I loved somebody as much as he professed there's no way I would cooose not to be with them.

 

Yes it's so odd how he would present life changing things like they were just happening to him...she's pregnant, I'm moving home, I had sex with her...the way he told it, it all happened TO him.

[Rebelnoir]

What will you do in 6 months, when he reaches out? Because you know he will. Think about it; young baby, wife hormonal, no intimacy, he’ll look for a FWB.

 

I honestly didn't think he would. But now you've put it like that, you might be right. I guess what will he have to lose? He knows his wife will stay, even more so now he has two kids, and based on past experience he thinks I'll just be there for him. He thinks we both believe what he tells us.

 

I guess actively job hunting is the biggest thing, trying to get some space from him and the situation. Also limiting the ways he can contact me (blocking him on social media, his number etc).

 

Part of the argument we had I had threatened to send his messages to his wife, and I think that has scared him.

 

The biggest change though is in my mindset. I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk to him. I'm not sat here pining after him. Weirdly I'm just living my life and I'm happier than I've been in the the almost two years of this crap.. I haven't thought about messaging him in weeks. It would be easy for me to have found out where he was, how long he'd be off etc a month ago. I didn't bother. I found out yesterday completely by chance (somebody mentioned it in a convo) and I was fine, just a little sad.

[Rebelnoir]

What a terrible experience. I can feel your back and forth and your pain.

 

The thing is that you can spend the rest of your life in therapy talking about why you do this, etc etc. And that has merit, many of my friends have therapist. I have on and off.

 

But what counts now is action. You can analyze yourself later. Don't think, just do. You've been given a gift here. Take it. Are you single, no kids? Leave this job. Move. I'd tell you to change your number and email but these days that is tough, we can be found too easily. You need distance. 100% this guy will be back and men that cheat on their pregnant wives are a special kind of guy, only surpassed by men that cheat on their sick wives.

 

I understand that you are in too deep to understand the type of guy this is so just focus on your own survival. It's you or him now. He will take you under and he won't care.

 

I don't talk about this much as it's long ago and not why I'm here but maybe 15 years ago I met a guy at work, he was separating and he did, quickly, for a while he moved near me in the city. But over time he was back and forth, could not get divorced, lied about it, it was terrible. I lost 3 years. I was very thin, it was tragic.

 

Tragic gets old. One day I just quit my job and moved. I did not give him my address, though he knew I was moving. I said, file for divorce or never contact me again. He blamed me for not waiting longer. But here is the funny thing. I moved on 12/30 and I tell you, I thought my world was over. But come March, I started dating again, come spring, I felt better. New. And then I met my now husband.

 

And the really funny part - shortly after that I ran into him! And I felt nothing. No anger, no love. I was just hey, how are you? Bizarre right?

 

You would be shocked how fast these feelings go away. I need to add that I also traveled. That helps. My job sent me to CA for a month. You need new. New new new.

 

How do I know your guy will be back? Because this guy sent me a Linked In request and a text message a few months ago after 12 years about songs on the radio and thinking of me. I did not respond.

 

These guys....they look for the easy mark. They do not go away unless you show zero interest. You need to save yourself because honey, no one else will.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds very similar. Both leaving quickly, both going back and forth. It's s horrible situation to allow ourselves in. I'm glad you moved on all those years ago, I'm hoping that moving jobs will be such a big step forwards.

 

It's funny what you say about these feelings going away quickly. To be honest since I found out about the baby my feelings have been changing towards him. Him touching me would repulse me, or I'd hear his lies and think 'yeah, yeah'. But since he ghosted me it's like a switch has been flipped, right now I just have zero interest in him. Previously I would have been messsging, trying to understand how and why he had disappeared. Now, I don't care. He can do what he needs to, and I'll do what I need to. Which doesn't include wasting time on him. I could have reached out, but I haven't, as I have zero interest at the moment.

 

Weirdly although things with him triggered seeking therapy, I mainly want to use it to get some closure regarding my dad. I hope it won't be focussed on him, as that will be such a waste. It's hard to explain but I see MM as a symptom of my other issues at the moment...rather than the lost love of my life.

 

I hope you're wrong and he doesn't reach out. I strong suspect you're right though, and he will. I can't say what I would do, but I have every intention not to get involved in all of this again.

[Rebelnoir]

I just finished reading through my old thread...and I was saying a lot of things then that I am saying now. You all told me to walk away, I said I felt like it was done, he wouldn't be in touch, I'd deleted his number etc etc...and then he started acting normally and I was back in the A.

 

Things do feel different in my mind now, I don't love him, I don't feel like I've lost the man I love...I just feel like I've had a lucky escape. But there is every chance if he contacts me I'll reply and then, clearly, that's a slippery slope.

 

Something has to change this time, I'm just not sure what I can do beyond what I'm doing

[sandylee1]

Yes you're right, this situation was like pretty much every other affair, and I was no different to every other OW.

 

 

I'm actively trying to find a new job in the hope that I will be gone before he comes back. I have blocked him from being able to contact me and I don't have his numbers any more. I honestly want this to be the end.

 

That's a smart move. Good luck with the jobhunting.

[amomwhoknows]

Finding a new job is key. I would make that your number 1 priority and if for some reason you haven't found one (and he actually returns) you need to quit and figure out things.

 

Here is the thing, first and foremost, this guy is a compulsive liar. Newest evidence, the moment the wife had an upset stomach, the first test would have been a pregnancy test-- there weren't tons of doctors visits etc to figure this out. Remember he was a cheater before you too. This guy. UGH

 

If your best friend or sister were telling you this story, what would you say. HOLY HELL RUN. You must do this now.

 

go start your life anew. Move on. Let go. Be brave. He may be back, you should be gone (and by back, I don't mean to make you an honest woman, just to use you)

[Rebelnoir]

Finding a new job is key. I would make that your number 1 priority and if for some reason you haven't found one (and he actually returns) you need to quit and figure out things.

 

Here is the thing, first and foremost, this guy is a compulsive liar. Newest evidence, the moment the wife had an upset stomach, the first test would have been a pregnancy test-- there weren't tons of doctors visits etc to figure this out. Remember he was a cheater before you too. This guy. UGH

 

If your best friend or sister were telling you this story, what would you say. HOLY HELL RUN. You must do this now.

 

go start your life anew. Move on. Let go. Be brave. He may be back, you should be gone (and by back, I don't mean to make you an honest woman, just to use you)

 

I've just submitted another application as we speak. Finger's crossed it happens. Until recently I was hesitant to leave work as I knew it meant we wouldn't see each other. Now it can't happen fast enough.

 

You're 100% right about the tests a month or so before he told me she was pregnant he'd been stressed as she hadn't been well and had been in hospital overnight 'having tests'. I honestly can't imagine a pregnancy wouldn't be picked up during that time. I remember now what he said when I questioned it...they didn't test for pregnancy as they thought there was no way she would be pregnant. Pretty sure that's not how hospital tests work!

 

He is a liar. And like everyone on here says over and over again, if he's lying to his wife he is obviously lying to the OW. I just can't comprehend how I didn't see it (didn't want to see it, is probably why).

 

I'm grateful for the next few months I have without him around so I can make some big changes.

[imsosad]

I honestly didn't think he would. But now you've put it like that, you might be right. I guess what will he have to lose? He knows his wife will stay, even more so now he has two kids, and based on past experience he thinks I'll just be there for him. He thinks we both believe what he tells us.

 

I guess actively job hunting is the biggest thing, trying to get some space from him and the situation. Also limiting the ways he can contact me (blocking him on social media, his number etc).

 

Part of the argument we had I had threatened to send his messages to his wife, and I think that has scared him.

 

The biggest change though is in my mindset. I don't want to be around him, I don't want to talk to him. I'm not sat here pining after him. Weirdly I'm just living my life and I'm happier than I've been in the the almost two years of this crap.. I haven't thought about messaging him in weeks. It would be easy for me to have found out where he was, how long he'd be off etc a month ago. I didn't bother. I found out yesterday completely by chance (somebody mentioned it in a convo) and I was fine, just a little sad.

 

Not to discourage you, but I think you should be more concerned with how you will react when he contacts you again, which he will.

Not only does he know his wife will stay, he thinks you'll take just about anything from him and he is certain he can get you back on the game when he feels like it.

I wet back to read your original threads and- I say this very kindly- I don't trust you with this guy,darling. On the previous thread you agreed with what everyone said and were all yeah, NC, no more taking **** from this guy. Yet here you are, after you let him drag you on for months on end, while getting his wife pregnant (by accident and against his will, no doubt) and eventually ghosting you and ignoring your attempt to reach out.

I believe that you want out, but I think you are being a bit naive about how determined you are and you expect rejecting him will be easy.

I want to encourage you to be very prepared for the day he contacts you. You must have a plan in place.

Best option is to change jobs, block him everywhere and know that this is a battle you have not yet won. Good luck.

[wmacbride]

It sounds like you have come to some important realizations.

 

You have realize that he has been showing you his true colours all along. His wife is likley juts your average woman, just like you. He is willing to go behind her back and hurt her, put both her and his children at risk and worse, he accepts zero responsibility for any of his actions.

 

In spite of his words he doesn't see you any differently, and you deserve someone who sees you as special. Spend some time on yourself now. Learn more about yourself, what you want and what makes you happy.

[Taxed]

 

He is a liar. And like everyone on here says over and over again, if he's lying to his wife he is obviously lying to the OW. I just can't comprehend how I didn't see it (didn't want to see it, is probably why).

 

I'm grateful for the next few months I have without him around so I can make some big changes.

 

A word of advice: Put this on a list, preferably with detailed examples of all the "yummy nastyness", that he has done, so you can it read again and again when your vision gets foggy, dewy and rose coloured. Get scientific if you will.

 

Well, it works for me. The list serves to set your head straight and bring you back to reality during those critical and very emotional times, when you miss him.

[Imajerk17]

Ugh. I truly hope you don't think of yourself as some victim here Rebelnoir. I mean, let's look at the facts. It's bad enough to be involved w another woman's husband. You CHOSE TO get involved w a man w a toddler and now a newborn. You need to realize that nobody made you do this, you were the one who DECIDED to get into this.

 

I hope this wakes you up.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Imajerk17