Update; MM left and went back twice...

[FMW]

We're all works in progress! The important thing is to learn and grow from our experiences and not repeat the mistakes. If you weren't a good person you wouldn't feel the guilt and regret you're dealing with right now.

 

Nietzsche was right -what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sometimes it just takes us a while to get to the point where we don't feel like it's going to kill us.

[Rebelnoir]

So MM and I haven't spoken or seen each other since before Christmas. And I feel good. Please excuse the long post that's about to happen, I need to get my thoughts and feelings down I guess.

 

I feel like the distance this has given me has allowed me to see him for what he really is; a weak, narcicisstic man who jumped on the affairs as a way to try and fix the problems in his life. I think he saw it as an opportunity for a 'do over'. I doubt very much that it was based on any true love for me. I honestly think I could have been almost anyone.

 

In terms of the affair itself I can also see how toxic it was. It was an unequal relationship with me always tying to maintain the status quo by doing what he needed and what he wanted with total disregard for myself. I was so stressed out by this and it manifested in other ways (delayed periods, comfort eating, constant anxiety etc). It was unhealthy. In my part it was yet another attempt to try and get a man to pick me. To be special.

 

Whilst this is the first (and last) affair I've had I can now see I have this pattern of dating unavailable men. Therapy is helping me understand why this is (surprise, surprise...daddy issues). This is in no way said to try and detract responsibility from my decision to be involved in the affair. I chose that, and in doing so chose to cause hurt and pain to others. But it explains why I was able to be involved in an unhealthy situation for so long. Why it felt so 'right' and why I delusionally thought it would be a path to happiness.

 

It wouldn't have been. Already MM had started using the whole 'I've left my child for you' thing as a way of getting me to do things I didn't want to do. We also had fundamental differences in lifestyle and values. We got swept up in lust and fantasy and unfortunately, had the relationship lasted, I think both of us likely would have been unhappy.

 

So for now I'm good. I don't want to speak to him. I don't really want to see him and am still actively job hunting. I'm also working with my therapist to make sure I have strategies in place for when he is back at work. I've spoken with my manager about things we can do to minimise contact. I've had the odd dream about him, which is unsettling, and I do think of him (but nowhere near as frequently as I used to). And when I do it's with distance..almost like 'as if that all happened.' I'm no longer looking for answers from him about why. I no longer want to try and fight for what we had. I'm focussed on me, why I did what I did and how I can stop myself doing something so awful again. I accept he has his reasons for his actions and that I will never know what they were.

 

I know it's only been around 3 months of NC, and I don't want to get cocky (I'm aware seeing him may disrupt how things are going), but I'm quietly confident. So overall, it does get better. NC helps. Life is so much better out of the A. Whilst I miss him from time to time I know, really, I miss the companionship and not MM. He is not that special. I need to focus on my life, the changes I need to make and how I can move forward. He needs to do that for himself and neither of us need to be in each other's lives.

 

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

[whichwayisup]

You're in a really good place now and worked hard to be strong and dig down deep to face your issues. Keep going and continue to push forward! Be proud of all that you've accomplished during NC.

[BTDT2012]

I am glad that you are working on yourself. Stay strong.

[Rebelnoir]

Thank you both. Today has been a good day. I now have a new job and had a very enlightening therapy session. We practiced how I would react if I came face to face with MM and also looked at my thought process in relation to him, and how realistic that was. So, for example, if he ignored me I would think he hates me. This would then trigger my feelings of rejection and abandonment...causing me to react and try to get him to validate me.

 

Instead we looked at other reasons for why he would ignore me (he's ashamed, he's trying to do the right thing etc etc), that didn't amount to 'he hates me'. I suppose it helps as it means I don't fall into that vulnerable, needy place.

It was helpful and reminded me of a book I've read by Katie Byron called, I need your love-is that true? It's worth a read for anyone who needs ways of challenging their patterns and thought processes.

 

I should be leaving work before he is back in, which means I might never see him again. I mainly feel ok about it, but it's also causing me some anxiety. I didn't think the last time we saw one another would be the last time, and now it seems like it might. It all just feels so final. But logically I know it's for the best.

[whatcomesnext]

Congratulations on doing so well! Having deep-rooted thinking patterns challenged is so difficult, but it sounds like you are going in with the right attitude and want to change. As someone who has to see MM regularly (though not predictably), I’d say be glad if you never see him again. It will make it easier. I like the way your therapist frames the potential for him to ignore you. I’ve struggled with negative feelings in connection with being ignored too. My therapist has tried to frame it in a way that could allow me to feel empowered. Like you, I always think about it in terms of him throwing me away and devaluing me, and then want validation, but she said something I’d never thought about before. That his actions in actively ignoring me demonstrate that I actually do have power because I affect him. If I didn’t affect him he wouldn’t need to ignore me in the way that he does. He cannot act normally around me, perhaps because of the reasons your therapist expressed to you - feelings of shame, guilt, etc.

Edited March 15, 2018 by whatcomesnext