Would you be OK with your partner having an opposite sex BFF?

[Miss Spider]

Just wondering if the trusting people here would be fine with their SO having a very attractive, straight, opposite sex best friend that they did activities with without you. Let us say they had a lot in common with this person and met them before you.

And at what point would that close friendship become an EA?

[road]

No opposite sex friends for both when you in a

relationship.

[d0nnivain]

"best" friend . . . hmmmm . . .not my preference. Pre-existing opposite sex friends are OK in my book. I assume that if they wanted to get together it would have happened before he ever met me.

 

Friendship in & of itself is not an EA even though sharing & camaraderie are involved.

[ZayKayWill]

Absolutely I would be. In fact, I encourage diversity in my significant other's friend options. I honestly don't see why people make this kind of thing such a big deal. Like, I get that people cheat a lot and that a lot of people in general are very untrustworthy, but you really shouldn't even be in a relationship with this particular person if you can't trust them to not lose their **** simply because they're around someone that they find attractive.

 

 

The last girl I dated, granted it didn't work out in the end, was actually best friends with one of her ex boyfriends AND she lived in another country. I guess most people would have been phased by that, but I mean not me. Most people get completely thrown off the loop when their partner mentions that they still have an ex involved in their life, but to me that's never been a problem. I'm still friends with one of my exes that I dated back in 2009 even though we weren't friends at first for a while. A lot of people will disagree with me on this, but I actually PREFER it if my partner is still friends with their exes, as it shows emotional maturity and that for some very deep and meaningful reason, they were still able to be in contact with each other and not have any crazy or mixed feelings get in the way of just their friendship.

 

 

It's not very common, but there are a few special cases of two people breaking up and actually becoming best friends after that, and nothing more. So like, they'll break up and in some cases the ex has introduced the former partner they were just with to another friend of theirs and they'll go from there. Again that's very rare...but the point is it does happen.

 

 

Look at it this way: Say your partner was bisexual. So....does that mean that they're not allowed to have any friends at all? Since, you know, literally every single person that they come in contact with they have an attraction to and can potentially cheat on you with them and so immediately that person be deemed a threat? That doesn't sound very fair to me, in my opinion.

 

 

When it all comes down to it, a lot of people just aren't going to be okay with it since so many people have been cheated on or betrayed in some way or another, but the way I see it that shouldn't make it so I feel the need to always try to control or monitor what my partner is doing in their life. No matter how much you try to control who your partner can or can't hang out with, there will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be a chance that they're cheating on you or has already cheated on you without your knowledge. I mean c'mon. How pathetic do you have to be to worry whether or not your partner is cheating on you whenever he/she is out of your sight and somewhere else? Now, I'm not saying I would be okay with her hanging out with this person say, all the time. It is absolutely more than okay to establish boundaries. But as long as it doesn't get in the way of MY relationship needs, then essentially all is good.

 

 

Bottom line, you have to trust your partner. Because for all you know they already have an opposite gender 'best friend that they're secretly cheating on you with'.

Edited January 24, 2018 by ZayKayWill

[FilterCoffee]

For me, it totally depends on how the 2 of them interact. If they have boundaries that I'm ok with and are capable of staying within them, then I wouldn't have an issue.

 

My first gf had a really close guy friend who never bothered me. I think this was the case because I could see that they treated each other like friends and nothing more. Their banter was always friendly but never flirty and the guy never showed any romantic interest in my her. Him chasing other girls also reassured me. With regards to physical touch, they were playful like little kids. He would pinch her nose to annoy her and she would hold on to his arm and walk on occasion but it was like a daughter holding her father. There was nothing sexual going on between them and they didn't even share their personal lives completely which made me feel secure.

 

What are your boundaries cookies?

[d0nnivain]

DH & I had what I consider an odd first date. Dinner didn't go as I would have planned. He didn't kiss me good night I was very confused.

 

After I left DH (then the guy I went on 1 date with; this was the 2nd time I'd ever seen him), I ended up at a bar my childhood buddy was tending. I went in & basically cried in his arms. There was never anything romantic between me & my friend but if not for my good buddy DH & I might not be married. I needed a man's perspective.

[ZayKayWill]

For me, it totally depends on how the 2 of them interact. If they have boundaries that I'm ok with and are capable of staying within them, then I wouldn't have an issue.

 

My first gf had a really close guy friend who never bothered me. I think this was the case because I could see that they treated each other like friends and nothing more. Their banter was always friendly but never flirty and the guy never showed any romantic interest in my her. Him chasing other girls also reassured me. With regards to physical touch, they were playful like little kids. He would pinch her nose to annoy her and she would hold on to his arm and walk on occasion but it was like a daughter holding her father. There was nothing sexual going on between them and they didn't even share their personal lives completely which made me feel secure.

 

What are your boundaries cookies?

 

 

 

I respect this a lot. A lot of people don't realize that there is actually such a thing as platonic/playful touching/cuddling and romantic/sexual touching/cuddling.

[Jj66]

I'm ok with it with certain precautions. Common sense things about respect for my feelings and appearance to my friends. I'd also want some regulation of the closeness. For example, our relationship problems would need to be an off limit topic in their conversations. Talks of a sexual nature would also concern me. In general, I do not like the idea of a potential competitor to the relationship being closer to her than I am even if there is nothing physical going on between them.

[RecentChange]

I would say.... it depends.

 

I have an opposite sex close friend, who was a part of my life before my husband, and he does as well, and its perfectly fine. Qualifiers:

 

Neither of us are emotionally tied to these good friends. We don't text all day, we don't run to them with our problems, they aren't our emotional comfort.

 

What they are, is long term friends, who we each have a lot of shared history with, and really enjoy spending friendly time with.

 

I have my friend "Charles" that I go way back with. We share a love of road tripping, camping, nature, and a large social circle (my husband also really likes C and we all spend time together). But if the Mr. is out of town, its no big deal if I go and visit C.

 

And my husband has a friend "Ronda". They too have been friends for a very long time. They share a love for a particular kind of music (that I am not fond of) and will go to concerts together etc - They still do, even though R is married now as well (but her hubs isn't into that music either). I enjoy R, she is part of my social circle (actually spends more time with my "girlfriends" that I introduced her to than I do!)

 

So it works for us. If he was running to R with his problems? I wouldn't like that. If they had some deep emotional connection, I wouldn't like that either.

 

And I conduct myself the same way, I don't get too close with any opposite sex friends.

[lana-banana]

When someone decides to be exclusive with you, they should put you first. They should at least invite you on outings with their BFF and give you opportunities to decline. They should also be as forthcoming as possible about interactions with them so there's no room for jealousy.

 

You can always say "hey, your hanging out with Alice makes me uncomfortable", but beyond being open and maybe not going on any more one-on-one adventures, there isn't much the other person can do. If they've known their BFF forever they are unlikely to drop her just because you feel uncomfortable. But at some point---usually after your relationship is on very solid ground and you are taking it quite seriously---things may change. I know several people, male and female, who asked their partners to remove some Facebook friends when they got engaged or married. The other person always complied because they didn't see it as a big deal by then.

 

I always thought statements like "I married my best friend" were unbearably cheesy, but by the time my husband and I got married he was my best friend and vice-versa. He did have a close female friend when we started dating, but that relationship turned into something more sporadic (she lives far away anyway and he was never attracted to her). My closest male friend was my Man of Honor, but that was never a situation involving attraction or constant exclusive activities, either.

Edited January 24, 2018 by lana-banana