So I saw her POF profile and all I want to do is text her now.

[holms]

How do I keep up with NC when all I want to do is text or call her? After a 9 month semi-LDR (50+ Miles) that up until New Years was nothing short of awesome she ended it suddenly a few days ago. We had a pretty bad fight New Years and another one the following weekend but through Text and Phone convo's worked it out it seemed. But she called me earlier this week and told me it was over and to move on. She said she couldn't do the effort anymore and as I was asking a bunch of questions she finally just said that she met someone else and I hung up. About a half hour later I got a series of texts saying that she just threw up and had a panic attack, said the last part was not true at all she just wanted me to hate her so I would move on. She also said that I am such and amazing person and she can't give me what she feels I deserve. But the thing is, when we were good she was giving me exactly what I wanted. She woke something up in me I thought died a long time ago. She was always very loving and attentive in the past.

 

She has been completely stressed out lately as she is both looking for a new job and a new house. The house was actually supposed to be closer to me but close enough to maintain her life where she is now. And I was going to find a place even closer to her after and still maintain my job. We would have been a 20 minute drive from each other.

 

We talked and text daily and saw each other often taking turns doing the drive back and forth. But now this. I am in pain and emotionally numb and just want to reach out to her but I also know that could be bad right now. How do I maintain NC at this point when all I want to do is talk to her and get straight answers? I don't want this to go cold, but I don't want to push her farther away either. I'm just all over the place right now.

[Beachead]

How do I keep up with NC when all I want to do is text or call her? {snip}

 

Hey OP,

 

I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Been in LDR myself so I know how difficult it is. I got a nice lengthy response for you. Hope it finds you well.

 

Right now you need to understand that there isn't anything that you can do or say that will change her mind. She made the call. Yelling at her won't do anything. Crying to her won't do anything. Begging her won't do anything. The only thing these reactions will accomplish is make you look weak and also drive her away. Right now she felt smothered and constrained by the limitations of the long distance relationship so she broke her shackles and is finally free. All she cares about right now is getting away and doing what she's been wanting to do for months. This wasn't a overnight decision. I trust that these problems began for her several months in advance and over time she arrived to this conclusion. As you can see, it was difficult for her despite all this as she threw up after that phonecall. If you reach out to her and pester with texts/calls for whatever reason, she will get annoyed and will distance from you.

 

Keeping that in mind, what's your next move?

 

You have to go with what you know right now for sure; she broke up with you and she's gone. Your goal right now is to restore yourself back to who you were. The strong, happy, independant you before you met her. Allow yourself to grieve, process everything, and heal. In order for you to ever face her again and genuinely be okay should you ever see her again, you must learn how to be happy without her in your life again. I know that is something that is unfathomable at this point and you have every right to feel like that but it is a step by step process. It will get hard for you before it gets better and you will find that the hardest part is killing hope. It could take several months to even do this. Overall, it will take awhile for No Contact to take effect. The duration depends solely on the situation and partly on how you deal with your grief. As painful as it is to not contact her, it would be far more painful to remain in contact with her, creep her social media, and see her slowly move on and distance from you over time. Hence, this is always the best route. You need to put all your energy into taking care of yourself now because it will take up all your energy.

 

Again, do not reach out to her. Especially during special days like the Christmas Holidays, Birthdays, Anniversaries or something familiar etc. You cannot be responsible for her moods or her life anymore. She cut you loose. That's it. She loses you entirely. Do not settle for friendship because friendship is not possible right now. In that silence and distance, she is going to do a lot of thinking. She'll doubt herself. She'll miss you. It's not easy to dump people and there is a lot of guilt attached to it. These conflicted emotions will eventually come to her as time passes and will manifest itself into her likely contacting you. Be leery of her intentions though. It may not mean she wants a relationship. If it happens, respond to her but keep things to the point and keep responses short. Protect your heart.

 

Block her off of social media. You don't want to see updates that are going to hurt you. The more you see, the more material you'll have to dwell on and freak out about. It may make you do something stupid which you will regret and this will slow your healing process.

 

Use Loveshack to help you share your pain. There a lot of people on here who feel what you are feeling and going through similar situations. I strongly encourage you to read some of them and perhaps even participate. Also, there are No Contact Threads and a Coping thread that you can write in and share your day to day feelings. Choose to write there instead of to you ex.

 

Also, don't be afraid to consider a Relationship/Life Coach or Therapist if things get extremely unbearable. There is no shame in it. A few sessions will do wonders to help you get your train of thought on track. You may have to shop around with them a little.

 

Don't be afraid that she will forget you. She won't. She said what she had to say to you. The distance got to her. Respect her decision and then respect yourself by leaving the source of your heartache and healing yourself. The silence will do a lot of work for the both of you over several months. More than you could ever do with your words.

 

Ps. This process is to not win her back. This isn't for her. This is for you. This is to help you get back to yourself. Keep that in mind. Always.

 

Goodluck OP

Edited January 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[holms]

Through all the bad on the last few days, and her flip, 99% of it was great and it just makes me sick. We didn't live together or anything but we were ALWAYS in contact and I just want her back so bad.

[Beachead]

Through all the bad on the last few days, and her flip, 99% of it was great and it just makes me sick. We didn't live together or anything but we were ALWAYS in contact and I just want her back so bad.

 

I know. This just happened, it's fresh, you're in shock and the first few weeks will be overwhelming until your mind can't take the pain anymore and will numb you out. It is important at this point to remember there was nothing you could do that would have changed this current outcome. I know that doesn't make it any easier but it's not supposed to be. Try your best to remind yourself that the only move you have right here, right now, is to grieve and heal. Don't bottle it up. Let the pain flow and let yourself feel everything. Journal out all your thoughts in a book. Vent on Loveshack. Talk to friends. Possibly get a therapist if needed. But show her nothing. Tell her nothing. Just disappear. Remind yourself, she was the one who broke up with you. She chose to end it. She decided this relationship you two shared was not worth it for her anymore. Give her what she wants and let her deal with the reality of her decision. This is crucial.

 

Currently, you're not thinking about what she wants or her needs because you're overwhelmed with your own anxiety. You are in pain and you want nothing more than to get her back to soothe that pain and this is completely understandable. But, assuming she got back together with you, she would be unhappy for the particular reasons she expressed to you OP. It wouldn't be what she wants. It would only be what you want. You miss and long for what you wanted her to be for you. Consider that in this state, we are like drug addicts, fueled by addiction to this person because we becamse used to them being there with us/for us everyday. Now they are not and there's this big void. The need to get that fix back is so overwhelmingly strong, we will compromise our integrity and the love we have for this person to get it. In that state of mind, we end up driving them away.

 

Love is truly the most potent drug on the market. When it's taken away, it's like quitting heroin or cocaine cold turkey. Intense withdrawal symptoms. And addicts are always trying to find some way to get their fix even if they know they are hurting themselves. Similarly, your heart will try to deceive you into finding some excuse/reasoning to contact her (We want to get our fix again so that we feel better) but it will be the worst thing you could do.

 

Remain in no contact. All your energy must go into that.

 

Stay strong.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead

[holms]

She broke it off with me just 2 weeks ago. Said she just didn't want a relationship with anyone as she has A LOT going on right now. Yet there she is looking for one. What makes it worse for me is the main pic is the one of her smiling and holding up a happy birthday sign that she sent to me just 2 months ago.

 

I just want to text her and try and talk to her but I know that's not a good idea. I go from wanting her back so bad to trying to accept it's over. I really need to stop looking on there for her because it's just torturing me now.

 

We were really good even right up to the end. We spent our last day together just 18 days ago and had amazing sex. Now I have to think of her with someone else. She is VERY beautiful and will get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys. Makes me sick to my stomach.

[drakon12]

She broke it off with me just 2 weeks ago. Said she just didn't want a relationship with anyone as she has A LOT going on right now. Yet there she is looking for one. What makes it worse for me is the main pic is the one of her smiling and holding up a happy birthday sign that she sent to me just 2 months ago.

 

I just want to text her and try and talk to her but I know that's not a good idea. I go from wanting her back so bad to trying to accept it's over. I really need to stop looking on there for her because it's just torturing me now.

 

We were really good even right up to the end. We spent our last day together just 18 days ago and had amazing sex. Now I have to think of her with someone else. She is VERY beautiful and will get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys. Makes me sick to my stomach.

To be honest, if she's on POF there might be three reasons. First one is she just wanted to have sex and she didn't want to bear the burdens of a relationship. Second one, she just feels miserable and looking for action to feel better. Third one, if you were on NC, she just wants that attention and validition she's not having from you.

 

I know how it feels like to imagine your (ex) beloved with someone else in the sack. It will eat you up if you let it. So don't think about it, it's none of your concern and if she's not with you, why would you care who's having sex with her? I recently experienced something similar. I fell in love with a girl, but she was thinking me as a friend, I suppose. She always told me that she was a pure virgin, she only kissed 2 guys before (but had 8 boyfriends, go figure), and sex was a taboo for her and she wants her husband to be her first, etcetera. I ate it up but now I suspect if she was telling the truth, I mean, those kind of people exist? If I let these thoughts get to me and if I seriously think about these, what would happen? I tell you, nothing good will happen. If I do that, it would only make me feel tired, sad, sick, you name it. If she was lying, would thinking about that un**** her? Lol, no. So I don't think about it. I use my brain to read, study, meditate, learning new things. That's how you should manage your energy. Go full NC.

[CantTakeMySmile]

She broke it off with me just 2 weeks ago. Said she just didn't want a relationship with anyone as she has A LOT going on right now. Yet there she is looking for one. What makes it worse for me is the main pic is the one of her smiling and holding up a happy birthday sign that she sent to me just 2 months ago.

 

I just want to text her and try and talk to her but I know that's not a good idea. I go from wanting her back so bad to trying to accept it's over. I really need to stop looking on there for her because it's just torturing me now.

 

We were really good even right up to the end. We spent our last day together just 18 days ago and had amazing sex. Now I have to think of her with someone else. She is VERY beautiful and will get absolutely bombarded with messages from guys. Makes me sick to my stomach.

 

How long have you been noncontact? What would you say to her?

[holms]

Last Saturday (1/20/18) was the last time I saw her. She came over to get her Christmas Tree and Ornaments. Our initial break up was the Monday before, when just the day before that I was getting the random "I love you" texts.

 

We did talk and I did tell her I don't want to lose her but she said that she really hurt me and didn't want to again. We also hugged tight and kissed a few times. She was still wearing the necklace I gave her for Christmas and mentioned that my pictures were still on her desk at work. When I told her I still do love her she kind of looked away and fought the urge to say it back, at least that's the impression I got.

 

We had a huge fight on New Years and yes she did do and say some bad things to me but I told her that our good was great and our bad was... meh. But she was set on the fact that I deserve better than what she can give me.

 

When she left Saturday she text me when she was almost home, I did reply and that's the last I have heard from her.

[CantTakeMySmile]

And what do you wish to say now?

[holms]

That's why I know texting her would be bad because all I would say is the same thins I said on Saturday. That I miss her and don't want to lose her. That our numerous good times far outweighed our few bad times. But then I would be repeating myself and seeming desperate and THAT I do not want to do.

 

I was just hurt, like getting stabbed in the heart and needed to vent a bit.

 

We did have one fight before that caused a 2 week break but we were still in contact every few days and when I went over by her she told me that she loved me before we could even really get to talking. That was the only other time we really had any type of issue. Other then that our relationship had been just great.