Men, are you more or less likely to propose if you live together?

[Danika]

They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?

 

Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?

[RecentChange]

Except for one couple, all of my married friends cohabitated before marriage..... Take what you will from that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd never propose to or marry someone I hadn't lived with, just too many unknowns. And if my partner objected, I wonder if her goal was marriage in general rather than marriage to me. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

I've never been married, but was engaged once.

 

We were NOT living together when I asked, but we did move in together a couple months later.

 

While cohabiting, I guess she learned enough about me that she didn't want to be married to me and broke off the engagement.

 

In hind site, I wish we would have lived together before we got engaged.

 

Just my two cents...

[niji]

They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?

 

I've heard this statement before, and to me that doesn't really make sense. It's probably a statement conceived a long time ago and clearly reflects that most women want and, more so, NEED a man to marry her. For women who won't really gained anything (finance/security) by marrying, the man needs to convince her that a marriage is worthwhile. In other words, I'm reading this statement as, women these days may not necessarily want marriage any more than men. Sure, I think the majority probably still do, but an increasingly significant minority of women have no more interest in marriage, than her partner would. It certainly holds true for us. My fiance and I clearly both want to be married to each other, but I did not NEED him to provide me with a marriage.

 

Just like when we moved in together before getting engaged, my mom was worried about me getting "used". I understand her position completely, but inside I chuckled a little. One of my best friends once said if her mom was worried about that, she would say, "No mom, he's not using me. I'M using him for sex"

 

Back to the topic... No, I would not marry someone if I don't know their living habits. For all I know they can be a complete sloth. Meeting each other, even if daily, is nothing like living together. You get to see them at their worst and just understand them on a completely different level. I know people do successfully get and stay married despite not living together prior, but I would also argue that among couples not living together prior to marriage, a significant portion would not even get married had they tried living together beforehand, not because they already have "the milk", but because they just aren't into you as much after they see how you are on a day to day basis.

 

Put it this way: men who don't propose after living together, don't do so not necessarily because they have "the milk", but more so because they're just not that into the woman, but are too lazy to break up/find someone else. And do you really want to marry someone who's not completely dedicated to you emotionally and legally? Why would you?

 

If someone truly wants and loves you, they will make a commitment. If they don't, you should be glad they're not proposing because your marriage will not be a strong one. Living together has nothing to do with one's love for their SO. If compatible and meant to be, it only gets stronger. If not, so much better to find out before you're legally tied to them.

Edited January 27, 2018 by niji

[basil67]

I object to women being referred to as cows. The statement sounds like something an 80 year old might say.

[Woggle]

We were engaged before we lived together but I insisted that we live together for a year before tying the knot. You have to take the marriage for a test drive before going all the way.

[d0nnivain]

Just to keep it non sexist, there is an opposite saying for women about men: Why by the whole pig when you can get porked for free.

 

Both concepts come from the dated idea that pre-marital sex is wrong. When sex was something only to be enjoyed inside the confines of marriage, the idea was that having "marital relations" without benefit of the institution nullified the need to get married.

 

Now I think some people do jump into cohabitation too soon but for many it is a test drive of sorts. I lived with a guy for 10 years who didn't believe in marriage. It wasn't a problem in the beginning but when I realized I wanted to be married, we ended up splitting. DH & I were already engaged. He didn't move in here until 3 months before our wedding.

 

I know couples who did not live together before marriage. I know couples who have lived together for more than a decade who will probably never get married. It's more about what you want for yourselves.

[central]

I wouldn't marry someone without living with them first. I made that mistake in my first marriage - I'm sure many of the issues would have arisen if we had, and we wouldn't have made the mistake of marrying.

 

Before this marriage, we lived together 7 years. Neither of us wanted marriage, but we intended to stay together regardless. We only married for practical benefits that we could achieve no other way quickly. We're content with that decision, but would also divorce for practical reasons, and still stay together.

[carhill]

I've never, and would never, live with someone I'm not married to so the point is moot with me. I proposed to my exW because I wanted to be married to her, not having anything to do with living together; that was merely a byproduct, combining households.

 

Of my unmarried tenants who lived together, two couples got married while in my rental properties. Both went on to leave and buy homes together.

[Cullenbohannon]

Cohabitation makes a man more than likely to marry, if he can put up with a woman's "complexities" (and taking up the entire double sink with her "stuff"). It also could lead to a better chance at success if you know what you are getting into. Ditto for women, if you don't overlook any red flags. Very few will "change" because of a ring.

[sdraw108]

I would never consider marrying someone I hadn't already been living with for a decent amount of time. Doing so sounds utterly insane to me! How do you know you will be compatible living together if you've never tried it?

[Whodatdog]

I dont think living together or not living together has anything to do with getting married. It probably used to in times past, but not anymore. Its the same as its now commonplace for women to have kids without being married. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

If a man wants to get married, he'll get married. If he doesnt, he wont. I dont think not living together will give a man incentive to get married, if its not something he wanted to do in the first place.

 

Truthfully, theres not much incentive for people to get married nowadays, unless you truly just want to.

[basil67]

I dont think living together or not living together has anything to do with getting married. It probably used to in times past, but not anymore. Its the same as its now commonplace for women to have kids without being married. One has nothing to do with the other.

 

If a man wants to get married, he'll get married. If he doesnt, he wont. I dont think not living together will give a man incentive to get married, if its not something he wanted to do in the first place.

 

Truthfully, theres not much incentive for people to get married nowadays, unless you truly just want to.

 

I agree with this. We've been defacto since 1993. Because our laws provide the same protection as a marriage certificate would, there's no reason to marry. I've already discovered that a marriage certificate doesn't provide any kind of guarantee.

[basil67]

Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?

 

Has anyone noticed the conflict of old and new in this question?

 

There's the modernity of living together juxtaposed with the old fashioned style of a man proposing marriage when he's good and ready.

 

I think that if a couple is modern enough to live together, they are also modern enough to get to the point of marriage by way of discussion and understanding the timeline and needs of each individual.

[Art_Critic]

less... whats the saying.. why buy the cow when the milk is free...

 

I think it has merit.. and what is wrong with holding out till more commitment is in place..

[Danika]

They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?

 

Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?

 

Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

 

I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

 

There seems to be a split here, though most want to live together first. I see a lot of women answering though.

[Popsicle]

I wouldn't cohabitate without being married.

 

Or, at the very least, not move in together until we are engaged, with a ring and a wedding date set within a year. I also think you should date (i.e. be in the same location) for at least a year before moving in, marrying or any of that stuff.

 

Luckily, I am older now so most likely we have our own places and own kids and lives and such. It would have to be very serious for us to do either thing.

[MJJean]

 

I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

 

If a man wants to marry a woman, he will do everything in his power to make that happen, come hell or high water. It doesn't matter if they've lived together or not. If a couple lives together for a while and there isn't a proposal forthcoming, it's because either the man doesn't want to marry at all or he doesn't want to marry that specific woman.

 

Another female here, but I've been proposed to 6 times and married twice. 4 of those proposals were from men I'd never lived with. 1 was my first husband and we did live together before he proposed and we married. However, I had no intention of marrying him and wasn't even thinking in that direction when I had an accidental pregnancy and we married to "do the right thing". The last proposal was DH, we were quasi living together, but didn't actually marry until after we'd lived together for about 8 months.

[Mr. Lucky]

Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

 

I think the saying should be changed to "Who would buy a cow when you have no idea how good the milk is?".

 

And I'm not talking about sex, that's been good in the first part of nearly every relationship I've been in. It's all the other things you'll never know about someone until you spend 24 hours a day under the same roof. When the masks - and the gloves - come off, the truth comes out. And good news or bad, I'd want to know sooner rather than later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Casper.]

More. Much more. I'd be unlikely to propose to someone who I wasnt living with

[basil67]

this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

 

There seems to be a split here, though most want to live together first. I see a lot of women answering though.

 

I knew a guy who's girlfriend wouldn't live together till they were at least engaged with a wedding date set. He was really keen to live with her, so he proposed after about a year. Completely unsuitable marriage, crashed and burned, divorce after about 4 years.

 

Had they lived together, they may have discovered the incompatibility without having to get married. And if memory serves me correctly, he was her third fiance.

 

The moral of this story is that while not living together can speed up marriage, it's not always for the best.

[sandylee1]

My now husband wanted us to live together before marriage. I refused to do that avd was happy to walk away from the relationship.

 

At the time he had 3 brothers all living with their girlfriends and I could see the same pattern.

 

I think living together should be done when you know you want to marry someone. Not let's live together and see how it goes.

 

I wasn't prepared to lose the single lifestyle to a man who wasn't commiting to me. Until I had a commitment...then I saw myself as free to party and there was obviously a chance I would never someone else.

 

For my daughters...I'd advise them not to live with a guy...if the topic of marriage hadn't been discussed.

[Sunlight72]

Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

 

I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

I agree - I would expect it to take a lot longer for a man to propose when living together than when living separate - especially if he is older than, say, late 20's/early 30's. This is from my personal experience.

 

That may or may not be a good thing. Maybe the people will figure out they don't really want to be married before tying the knot and split up, but not have to divorce to do it.

 

Or, the couple may live together a while and feel they are compatible enough to marry, but then, what's the motivation to set a date?

 

I think there are a lot of important ingredients in the couple's context that are too nuanced to make a blanket statement that living together first is 'better', or marrying before living together is 'better' for everyone.

 

Not to pick on anyone, but modern sentiments like

I would never consider marrying someone I hadn't already been living with for a decent amount of time. Doing so sounds utterly insane to me! How do you know you will be compatible living together if you've never tried it?

reflect the idea that people are sort of born compatible or not-compatible.

 

I think a lot of the mystery ingredient that makes marriages last is that many people who commit to marriage and make it work a long time commit to that decision once and then compromise, let go of personal desires and comforts, and envision their life only as a married person. They do not revisit the question of 'should we be married', or 'do I want to be married to this person'. It's just not part of their thinking once they have made that choice.

 

This mindset is usually supported by family and the neighborhood, or it's not, and my impression is that a lot of people take in this atmosphere when young and believe in it (which ever atmosphere they absorb - marry and spend your energy figuring out how to live within the marriage, or spend your energy figuring out if you want to be married or afterward if you should stay married).

 

Does that make sense?

 

So, to get someone's frame on this, I think you could ask them, but not just what they think about living together, but also how they expect to build their life within a marriage, and what they think of people they know who have remained married a long time. What skills do they respect in those people, and what would they do differently?

 

Basically, I guess I think you are asking the wrong question.

 

Waaay before you are confronted with living together before marriage, or only living together once married, you should be exploring what you and your partner think is really involved in marriage, choosing a partner, making a marriage work, what does a 'successful' marriage look like day do day, why should two people be married, etc.

[carhill]

I think the saying should be changed to "Who would buy a cow when you have no idea how good the milk is?".

 

And I'm not talking about sex, that's been good in the first part of nearly every relationship I've been in. It's all the other things you'll never know about someone until you spend 24 hours a day under the same roof. When the masks - and the gloves - come off, the truth comes out. And good news or bad, I'd want to know sooner rather than later...

 

Mr. Lucky

Perhaps it's age-related. As an older couple, exW and I were the same while dating as while married. Zero surprises from my perspective. Also, perhaps a mitigating factor, we did 'live together' for periods due to the distance nature of our relationship. Whatever daily living habits we had were open and evident. Based on how quickly she moved her BF in after we separated, I'd say she was good either way but respected that I wouldn't live with someone I wasn't married to. That won't change for me. Heck I might get married and still live separately