Separation and loneliness

[Xamer]

Hey I need someone who is going through separation for support. I left my husband of 20 yrs and feeling very lost. It's only been a few weeks. We are getting along fine I'm just wondering what to do with myself now. My kids are settling in but it's not easy for them either. I feel like I don't always have the energy to be as good a mom as I can be. Anyone going through this. Maybe it's been longer and you can tell me how it's been for you and how you cope with everything. Thanks

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe it's been longer and you can tell me how it's been for you

 

It's been 30+ years for me .

 

I think most go through the temporary paralysis and lassitude you're feeling - I know I did. The answer for me was to bury myself in kids, work and exercise, wanted to make sure I was exhausted every time my head hit the pillow.

 

Keep the body and mind occupied and you'll have less time to be down. And as a bonus, your ex will wonder what your busy schedule implies. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MidlifeMama]

I haven't gone through this and maybe fearing this part is why I haven't made the jump, but I do think as in most things, time will heal. It is sure to get easier as your new life emerges.

I think most of us tend to only think of the good times once we make a decision to part ways and question if what we are doing was the right thing.

Think about the reasons you left, even write them down. Tuck it away and refer to the list when you doubt yourself.

Allow your children to speak freely about what they are feeling and acknowledge their feelings but also re-affirm to them that though their lives have changed, it will heal and you will be there for them on the journey.

I think the "keep yourself busy" is great advise. Exercise is a good way to get out the stress and take care f yourself. A support group is another way that you may find healing.

Find a new activity you enjoy and or that you can share with your children. Take time to grieve, if you feel that, and know that in time you will heal.

Fill your days with things that make you happy. Play music, dance in the living room. Take an art class. Read. Get out in life and enjoy yourself.

Hoping you push through and find peace.

[monnieloves]

I'm so sorry that you are going through a separation. Been there. Done that. Like you, I experienced the stages of grief and loss in the beginning but it got better in time. Separation does not equal divorce. Family counseling is a great way for each member to discuss openly deep rooted issues with a third party. Most local church's provide the service free of charge. I hope this helps you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Xamer, I wanted to ask you a few questions if you don't mind and would hope you would be able answer them if it is not too painful for you. Firstly, why have you separated from your husband? Was it because of abusive behaviour or just that you fell out of love with each other? Was there infidelity involved on either side? Is this separation a prelude to divorce, or as monnieloves has hinted at, just a separation not leading to divorce? Secondly, how old are your children? Are they at an age where they are able to understand the reasons why you and your husband separated? Are they living with you and periodically visit your husband or is a fifty fifty split of their time with each parent? Thirdly, who moved out, 6ou or your husband? Fourthly, are you working or a stay at home mum?

 

Is there any chance of a reconciliation between your husband and you or is this a final thing? I think what Mr. Lucky has to say makes a lot of sense. So does what Midlife has to say. Of course she is still on the inside looking out and not like you on the outside looking in. I think , in many ways a parting like this is like a death. Your marriage has died. So there will be a sadness at it's passing. It is something like if you were to lose an arm. The phantom arm still continues to haunt you and you react to things as if it were still there for you to use. Your marriage is going to haunt you in the same way till you get used to the fact that it is dead. The same analogy can be applied to your husband. It is as if he has died yet his ghost haunts you in your everyday life. You react to events and routine every day things as if he is still around but is at the office or at work or has gone to the store round the corner and will be home any minute. Something happens and you want to share it with him before realizing he won't be coming home. All this makes you nostalgic and sad. Of course, over a period of time these feelings will fade and you will come to terms with your new life.

 

I am assuming that you gave deep thought to the idea of this separation and were able to convince yourself that it was right for all concerned and that you were mentally prepared for the consequences of your decision. If that indeed was the case then whatever your current feelings are will dissipate over a period of time and you will be alright. I wonder how old you are and if you have thought of a second relatnship in due course? Do let us know. Warm wishes.