Early separation and visitation questions

[Holly80]

To make a very long story short after 15 years of marriage I have realized that I am very codependent. Husband was an alcoholic but has been in recovery for 12 years. During those years his underlying mental health issues have been taking center stage. He has half-ass addressed these issues with my prodding and medication. We've had a lot of stressors these past 18 months he has gone drastically downhill. We hit a breaking point in Nov and I am not willing to live like this anymore. At this point I'm a shell of a person and it/he has really taken a toll on me. I told him very specifically what I felt that I needed from him for this to turn around and move in the right direction. His words are great yet he has showed little action and at times he does a total 180 and yells at me and tells me he's not gonna do anything. Last week, after several weeks of attempting to work on him, us and me alone I have finally accepted that I'm codependent and I can't fix him. I asked him to stay in a hotel near his job… He does commute for for work… So the kids just think that he's working. He's upset but "proud" of me for standing up for myself and eager to "make things right". He's been gone 4 days and has not made any moves in the right direction although he has texted/called me often telling me how much he misses/loves me and he's so sorry and going to do everything to turn this around. He tells me what he's going to do but admits he hasn't done anything yet. I'm starting to feel mildly annoyed with the fact that he gets to stay in a hotel five minutes from his job with all kinds of free time but he hasn't done anything yet to help our relationship and I'm over here driving myself crazy cooking, cleaning, taking kids to all their activities by myself. We agreed on his two days off that he could come home to spend time with the kids. I am not so sure I want that now because he is just going to act like everything is nice and normal while I run around doing everything for the kids like usual AND he hasnt shown me much effort at all. Am I wrong to not want to see him yet? The problem is, I don't want to hold the kids from him AT ALL but they're very active on the weekends with all kinds of commitments so they can't go to visit him. He'd have to come here. I'm thinking about leaving for the weekend and just showing up at their activities but I don't want to make the kids worry. I'd love suggestions, opinions, etc

[d0nnivain]

Have him come there & you go off for a "girl's weekened" even if it's by yourself so you have some time off to think.

[mom22Feb]

I am so sorry you have been living this way for so many years. The only person you can change and are responsible for is yourself. You need to learn healthy boundaries and new ways to respond other than as a codependent. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and didn't know I was a codependent by default. I took a 12 week group course and my takeaway was to stop playing the "blame game" and attack the issue not the person. For change to occur you must change your response from the usual anticipated response. This works with children as well. Get counseling and work on becoming the real you and see if husband will join you to show he is serious. There is a lot going on and there is no quick fix here, but when two are willing nothing is impossible. Get some support so you can stay strong and gain confidence in who you are. You are not responsible for how he responds. Celebrate the small victories in your growth from codependency. It makes sense he could come home on the weekend. You said you were the one to suggest he stay close to his work. It is normal not to want to see someone who has hurt us, but that doesn't work towards resolve. I believe there needs to be a third party involved to help. Being a great wife and mom has nothing to do with your husband and children. You sound like an amazing, strong woman and I feel some of your angst. Praying for you.