Nice guy needs some guidance on how to break up with someone

[Cristoforo]

So I've never had to break up with anyone before. In previous relationships, I was the one who was dumped. I'm a really nice guy and I have a difficult time telling people things that will upset them. I've been seeing someone for the past three months. We met online and we both were just looking for something casual, nothing serious. I made this clear and she seemed to make that clear as well.

 

However, as time went on she definitely developed stronger feelings beyond "casual". It wasn't just from my observations, she pretty much told me as much. She said she would hope that come the 6 month mark that I would consider her my girlfriend. She's always telling me she misses me and can't wait to see and all that kind of stuff but I never say the same things to her.

 

About a month ago I had to reiterate that I still felt the same way I did when we met...I don't want a serious relationship. She said that's fine and she is cool with the situation. She is still married, separated from her husband for the last 5 years and has two kids. I'm 8 years younger than her, never married, no kids. We have really different lives. I haven't even told my parents about her. I've come to the realization that there is no real future between the two of us.

 

Ive been feeling uneasy for a while now and wanting to end this relationship because I can tell her feelings are getting stronger and she wants more out of this than I am willing to give. Shes a good person, I'm a nice guy and I hate the fact that this will hurt her but I feel like its only fair to her to end this before she gets more emotionally involved. To make matters worse, she wants to go on a trip with me next month and offered to pay for everything! She told me this morning that she booked the flight and now I'm just feeling really anxious about this whole situation.

 

Just looking for some advice on how I can end this relationship in the most respectful way possible. I've never had to do something like this before and I feel like I've been putting it off for too long. But my super nice personality sometimes prevents me from telling people how I truly feel because I'm afraid to upset people and hurt their feelings. Should I wait til after this trip since she just forked over a bunch of money to book it or should I not delay the inevitable?

[Zahara]

Should I wait til after this trip since she just forked over a bunch of money to book it or should I not delay the inevitable?

 

I think you should tell her now. If you do it after the trip, it's going to affect her more. It's going to create memories for which she does not need and she's likely going to come up with a lot of negative conclusions. Did you agree to go on the trip with her?

 

There is no difference between telling her now or telling her after the trip -- you're still going to have to tell her which is the crux of your issue.

 

Set up a meeting with her and be honest but gentle. Then do not have any more communication with her once you part ways. She knew what she was signing up for as you were upfront with her from the beginning. Yes, she is going to hurt but it's better to hurt her now then later. Don't drag this any further.

[heavenonearth]

TELL HER NOW!

 

She needs to know so she has time to heal and move on, and be with someone who actually cares about her and loves her and cherishes her she deserves to be cherished.

You are dragging her along, and it is so unfair!

 

Being nice is not an excuse. Breaking up with her will not make you less of a nice guy. Dragging her along, however....

[Cristoforo]

I did agree to go in on trip with her. That’s my fault. She kept bugging me about so I just told her yes. She offered to pay for the trip but if I end things before the trip should I offer her some money? She already booked the flights and they aren’t refundable.

[heavenonearth]

I did agree to go in on trip with her. That’s my fault. She kept bugging me about so I just told her yes. She offered to pay for the trip but if I end things before the trip should I offer her some money? She already booked the flights and they aren’t refundable.

 

Is it possible she takes someone else?

If not, make sure you pay for the cancelation fee.

[Cristoforo]

TELL HER NOW!

 

She needs to know so she has time to heal and move on, and be with someone who actually cares about her and loves her and cherishes her she deserves to be cherished.

You are dragging her along, and it is so unfair!

 

Being nice is not an excuse. Breaking up with her will not make you less of a nice guy. Dragging her along, however....

 

Fair point. But she shouldn’t have told me she just wanted something casual and then start acting like she wants more. I told her several times I’m not looking for a relationship. So she is kind of letting me drag her along then. She knows what I want. If she really wants something different she should end the relationship herself.

[smackie9]

Right at that conversation she had with you, you should have just sais "Sorry but I'm not interested in taking this to the next level. To be fair we should stop seeing each other...." Now is the time to tell her.

[heavenonearth]

Fair point. But she shouldn’t have told me she just wanted something casual and then start acting like she wants more. I told her several times I’m not looking for a relationship. So she is kind of letting me drag her along then. She knows what I want. If she really wants something different she should end the relationship herself.

 

Whoa, now you are showing your true colors.

 

But it's true what they say, guys who consider themselves to be 'the nice guy', most of the time really aren't.

 

Please remember it takes two to tango. This is not on her. It's on you.

She's in love. You are not. Tell her.

Then move on.

[Zahara]

I did agree to go in on trip with her. That’s my fault. She kept bugging me about so I just told her yes. She offered to pay for the trip but if I end things before the trip should I offer her some money? She already booked the flights and they aren’t refundable.

 

Yes, you can offer whatever you think is fair. There will be a cancellation fee and she will have some of travel credit that she may be able to use within a year. She may not even want anything from you. But that is a secondary issue. Primary is to stop dragging her through this. Focus on that and how you are going to present it to her.

[Zahara]

Fair point. But she shouldn’t have told me she just wanted something casual and then start acting like she wants more. I told her several times I’m not looking for a relationship. So she is kind of letting me drag her along then. She knows what I want. If she really wants something different she should end the relationship herself.

 

Yes, she is partly responsible for where she is but as soon as you realized that she was beginning to want more, you should have gotten out. It's difficult to end things when you are emotional because your heart and mind begin to get clouded. You being indifferent and emotionally detached could have taken the lead and done the right thing.

[sdraw108]

You should pay for ALL of the flight, because you knew before she booked it that you were going to break up with her, and she didn't know. It's entirely your fault that she has incurred that cost.

 

Yes, you can offer whatever you think is fair. There will be a cancellation fee and she will have some of travel credit that she may be able to use within a year.

 

OP said it's a non-refundable flight.

[Cristoforo]

Right at that conversation she had with you, you should have just sais "Sorry but I'm not interested in taking this to the next level. To be fair we should stop seeing each other...." Now is the time to tell her.

 

I did that already. She said she was fine with keeping things the way they are.

[Cristoforo]

Whoa, now you are showing your true colors.

 

But it's true what they say, guys who consider themselves to be 'the nice guy', most of the time really aren't.

 

Please remember it takes two to tango. This is not on her. It's on you.

She's in love. You are not. Tell her.

Then move on.

 

My true colors? Sorry but you don’t know anything about me. Should I have ended this already? Yes but just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I’m some horrible person. I consider myself a good person and I haven’t done anything awful.

[Zahara]

Y

OP said it's a non-refundable flight.

 

Yes, I've canceled a non-refundable a few times. You have to pay a penalty and you'll get a flight credit with some restrictions that you will have to use within the year. It may depend on the cancellation policy of the carrier as well.

[Cristoforo]

But it's true what they say, guys who consider themselves to be 'the nice guy', most of the time really aren't.

 

If I wasn’t a nice guy I would solve this situation by disappearing without telling her anything, block her number and never speak to her again. People do things like that quite often. But no, I want to do it the right way.

[Zahara]

If I wasn’t a nice guy I would solve this situation by disappearing without telling her anything, block her number and never speak to her again. People do things like that quite often. But no, I want to do it the right way.

 

Then don't wait any longer.

 

Be honest and gentle.

 

Stay strict NC once you have ended it with her.

[preraph]

First of all, don't put it on her for having more feelings than you, not in the conversation when you break up. Simply tell her that while there's nothing at all wrong with her and she's a nice person, you've been dating long enough now to realize that she's not the one for you. Say, Without going into detail, I just realized we're not right for each other. It's nothing at all you did or didn't do. It's just I've reached a point I know this isn't going to last. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible and not waste any more of your time. For what it's worth, it's been fun. I know you'll find someone who's a better match for you than I am. Bye."

[Imajerk17]

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. SHE was the one pushing and dragging the relationship forward. She was moving really fast actually, after only 3 months, this after OP told her he wasn't looking for anything serious. His biggest problem is that he hates confronting and disappointing someone, even if it is for her own good.

 

I really wish he would stop justifying this behaviour as 'really nice' tho

 

OP, you have to tell her that there will not be a trip together and that you don't think it is a good idea to keep seeing each other. Offer to pay her back on whatever you cannot get a refund on--THAT would truly be nice.

 

Meanwhile, this detail wasn't mentioned, but may be relevant. She is SEPARATED. It does seem to me that she was really pushing and diving into things awfully fast--maybe diving into the next relationship to fill the void from her marriage. Anyway that is a red flag on her part too.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Cristoforo]

She said she was going to go whether I went or not so that’s why I just said yes originally. She has a friend who lives where we planned to go so she’s wouldn’t be completely alone. I would offer to pay for my airfare and half the hotel.

[CptInsano]

There is this saying that bad news doesn't get better with age, and I have found that to be true. Tell her as soon as you can, she may sense that something is wrong, anyhow. Being nice has nothing to do with delaying the inevitable.

[olivetree]

I hope you don't refer to yourself as a "nice guy" and a "good person" in real life because it's not a good look.

 

It's not humble and appears like you're trying to convince others that you're good because deep down you're full of anger.

 

Anyway, the kind thing to do would be to do what is difficult for her to do - let her go, gently and without any sort of false hope.

[Cristoforo]

NO I don’t refer to myself as that, I only did it for this thread. I can change the thread title if it bothers people so much. Didn’t think it was such a big deal to refer to yourself as a nice person. I should have just left the “Nice guy” out of the thread title. Regardless I still need to do what people are telling me to do and end it ASAP.

Edited January 25, 2018 by Cristoforo

[heavenonearth]

My true colors? Sorry but you don’t know anything about me. Should I have ended this already? Yes but just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I’m some horrible person. I consider myself a good person and I haven’t done anything awful.

 

If I wasn’t a nice guy I would solve this situation by disappearing without telling her anything, block her number and never speak to her again. People do things like that quite often. But no, I want to do it the right way.

 

 

That is what you claim, but you did write this:

 

Fair point. But she shouldn’t have told me she just wanted something casual and then start acting like she wants more. I told her several times I’

m

not looking for a relationship.

So

she is kind of letting me drag her along then. She knows what I want. If she really wants something different she should end the relationship herself.

 

Why are you making excuses? Man up.

[preraph]

Your goal is to break it off with her cleanly, not to start a fight to where you're both trying to prove yourselves right. Just end it. It's no time to bring up, You said you wanted casual. Just end it and walk away.

[LoverOfDance]

Sweety, whether you're a nice guy or not is for others to determine. A lot of guys don't know this but just because you think you're nice doesn't mean you're nice.

 

Guys who ghost are absolutely terrible human beings. You are trying to be good but you're not doing a good job at it. You're doing a sh*tty job actually. I'm glad you've said that you will end things. Please do it quickly because the longer you wait, the more of a not so nice guy you will be.