Nice guy needs some guidance on how to break up with someone

[introverted1]

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. SHE was the one pushing and dragging the relationship forward. She was moving really fast actually, after only 3 months, this after OP told her he wasn't looking for anything serious. His biggest problem is that he hates confronting and disappointing someone, even if it is for her own good.

 

I really wish he would stop justifying this behaviour as 'really nice' tho

 

OP, you have to tell her that there will not be a trip together and that you don't think it is a good idea to keep seeing each other. Offer to pay her back on whatever you cannot get a refund on--THAT would truly be nice.

 

Meanwhile, this detail wasn't mentioned, but may be relevant. She is SEPARATED. It does seem to me that she was really pushing and diving into things awfully fast--maybe diving into the next relationship to fill the void from her marriage. Anyway that is a red flag on her part too.

 

I agree that people are being harsh with OP.

 

Not sure how much of a red flag her separation is, given she's been separated for 5 YEARS.

 

She is still married, separated from her husband for the last 5 years and has two kids.

 

OP, just break up with her. Odds are that she won't think you're a nice guy, at least not in the moment. But sooner is better than later and, in time, she'll realise you did the right thing.

[mortensorchid]

Nice guy? I don't think there is such a thing, instead there are only two: Bad Boys aka Alpha Males and Wimps. And, quite honestly, you sound like a Wimp. I have been with so called "nice guys" in the past, they are actually very wimpy. Just because he's not a Bad Boy doesn't automatically mean he's a Nice Guy, remember that. But I digress ...

 

You need to tell this woman ASAP that it's not going to happen with you and her. Why? Because it just isn't. It might "click" with her at last, and when it does, it will hurt but it's for the best.

[Imajerk17]

Alright Ladies, a few of you here just need to calm yourselves right down. The biggest problem isn't OP, it is with this woman--she is jumping the gun, after OP was pretty clear in what he was looking for.

 

Lay off the guilt trips. And no, sorry, it's not OP's job to look out for this woman's heart, that is HER job. It's been **only 3 months** of dating here, he has been clear a couple of times he is only into something casual, how is this his fault that she decided to foist a trip on him

 

A couple of you are acting as if OP had been stringing this woman along for 3 years! That's not AT ALL what was happening here.

 

 

I agree that people are being harsh with OP.

 

Not sure how much of a red flag her separation is, given she's been separated for 5 YEARS.

 

 

 

OP, just break up with her. Odds are that she won't think you're a nice guy, at least not in the moment. But sooner is better than later and, in time, she'll realise you did the right thing.

 

Well-said introverted and I agree. Although a 5-year separation is a different type of red flag--what is taking so long.

Edited January 26, 2018 by Imajerk17

[igotoverit]

If I wasn’t a nice guy I would solve this situation by disappearing without telling her anything, block her number and never speak to her again. People do things like that quite often. But no, I want to do it the right way.

 

You have a tie to this women with the trip so you have to do it in person. Say the truth, don't lead her on, be firm, "this relationship has run its course and I am not feeling the same way for you, I'd like to breakup and explore other options". She will be upset but not question you with other women and heal and move on and you Can solve the trip deal after that. Don't give her advice or help her move on. Just tell her so the feelings can naturally die off from you. I'm tired but I hope that made sense.

[Highndry]

A lot of emotion around these parts! The truth is somewhere in the middle on this one. Forget whether you're a nice guy or not, that's got nothing to do with the situation which is that you've got a woman who feels differently about you than you do her. Be gentle but firm and let her go and heal. There's no easy way to do it.

 

That being said, you should know better than to get wrapped up with a woman in a relationship when you know it's going nowhere for you. I know you told her that, blah, blah, blah, but once you're sleeping with a woman on a recurring basis and she's happy, you know where that's going. Be smart next time, and don't waste her time, because you're hurting her and that's not going to qualify as "nice."

[Cristoforo]

Alright Ladies, a few of you here just need to calm yourselves right down. The biggest problem isn't OP, it is with this woman--she is jumping the gun, after OP was pretty clear in what he was looking for.

 

Lay off the guilt trips. And no, sorry, it's not OP's job to look out for this woman's heart, that is HER job. It's been **only 3 months** of dating here, he has been clear a couple of times he is only into something casual, how is this his fault that she decided to foist a trip on him

 

A couple of you are acting as if OP had been stringing this woman along for 3 years! That's not AT ALL what was happening here.

 

 

 

 

Well-said introverted and I agree. Although a 5-year separation is a different type of red flag--what is taking so long.

 

Thanks. It’s only been three months and people are acting like I’m a monster who has been stringing this person along for a long time. She told me she had strong feelings for me once before and I flat out told her that I didn’t and I still only wanted something casual and she said she was fine with that and that we can keep things the way they have been. She hasn’t mentioned anything about feelings lately so I’ve just been going with the flow but I still don’t feel right about it. But to say I’m a piece of garbage who is stringing this person along is ridiculous. I’ve been up front with her multiple times:” I don’t want a relationship with you” But she sticks around anyway. So how am I the bad guy?

Edited January 26, 2018 by Cristoforo

[melonmint57]

Definitely address this with her before the trip, so it might allow her to make other arrangements. It's clear she wants more than you're willing to give, so unfortunately continuing as is will only make it more difficult to address in the future. Best to be straightforward and upfront with her now.

[basil67]

I did that already. She said she was fine with keeping things the way they are.

 

At which point you reply "I think you missed the bit where I want to us to stop seeing each other". A person can't make you continue in your relationship against your will.

[basil67]

With respect to her hoping you will see her as a girlfriend in six months, you could tell her "You're married to someone else. I will not have someone else's wife as a girlfriend".

[todreaminblue]

First of all, don't put it on her for having more feelings than you, not in the conversation when you break up. Simply tell her that while there's nothing at all wrong with her and she's a nice person, you've been dating long enough now to realize that she's not the one for you. Say, Without going into detail, I just realized we're not right for each other. It's nothing at all you did or didn't do. It's just I've reached a point I know this isn't going to last. I wanted to let you know as soon as possible and not waste any more of your time. For what it's worth, it's been fun. I know you'll find someone who's a better match for you than I am. Bye."

 

perfectly said...so on repeat.....deb

[todreaminblue]

if you have told her that you wish to split up and she isnt accepting it saying to continue casually or starts to beg from my personal experience of letting someone go say something along this track...

 

face to face.....

i care about you and i want to see you happy i am not the guy for you ...i wont make you happy long term ...you feel i might change ...i know i will not....and im not willing to lead you to believe that and make you unhappy in the long run.......i have enjoyed my time with you we have had some fun haven't we but im not willing to take our relationship any further and i want you to find that guy who can be there for you the way you need him too i dont want to waste your time or mine.......take care ...goodbye.....

 

and leave.......do not look back at her........it will not make you feel good....

 

go no contact for her sake......deb

Edited January 26, 2018 by todreaminblue

[smackie9]

I did that already. She said she was fine with keeping things the way they are.

So this is your way of turning the responsibility onto her? That's fine then, If you feel that way you should have np dumping her. She will have to accept what she got herself into because she took the risk.

[sdraw108]

how is this his fault that she decided to foist a trip on him

 

She didn't "foist" it on him. He was weak and said yes when he knew he should have said no. You must have missed when the OP said this:

 

I did agree to go in on trip with her. That’s my fault. She kept bugging me about so I just told her yes.

[1fish2fish]

So have you broken things off with her yet?

[Cristoforo]

So have you broken things off with her yet?

 

Not yet. Supposed to see her tomorrow so I’d rather do it then. Unless it’s just best to do it now by calling her up.

[viatori patuit]

Thanks. It’s only been three months and people are acting like I’m a monster who has been stringing this person along for a long time. She told me she had strong feelings for me once before and I flat out told her that I didn’t and I still only wanted something casual and she said she was fine with that and that we can keep things the way they have been. She hasn’t mentioned anything about feelings lately so I’ve just been going with the flow but I still don’t feel right about it. But to say I’m a piece of garbage who is stringing this person along is ridiculous. I’ve been up front with her multiple times:” I don’t want a relationship with you” But she sticks around anyway. So how am I the bad guy?

 

Dude.... this is love shack.

 

Expect maybe three useful posts out of 10. Lots of negative people here that don’t take the time to read what you type.

 

I don’t care who’s at fault or why you are doing it. Just do it. The first time is always hard. FWIW it will never be this hard again.

[staggerlee71]

Start with:

Its not you, its me

i'm not ready for a relationship.

I cant give you what you want

I need space

I need to find myself

you deserve better

 

than get back to us

[Imajerk17]

She didn't "foist" it on him. He was weak and said yes when he knew he should have said no. You must have missed when the OP said this:

 

If anyone were to come on here and say that she has been dating someone for 3 months who:

 

--doesn't express verbal affection despite her pouring it on thick

--keeps reminding her that they aren't serious

--agrees to go on a trip w her but only after her constant badgering and offering to pay for everything

 

We would tell this woman to wake up and get a clue, this guy clearly just isn't that into her and she is the one w the problem diving into things after only 3 months when the signs are so clear. And frankly, that she is acting desperate.

 

People on this thread really need to stop trying to shape the narrative that the OP is the one to blame for this, because he is not.

 

OP just tell her. I say do it over the phone actually (phone call not text). I think it would be the kinder thing to do than in person, as it would give her more space. Again you are doing nothing wrong by breaking up with her. And despite a lot of harsh words you've gotten on here, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Imajerk17

[bachdude]

It seems to me the OP just wants a little encouragement and support to do something he knows will hurt her, which he has difficulty doing.

 

OP, think of it this way, the longer you wait the deeper you’ll be into this and the harder it will be.

 

There’s no way to end it without pain but the earlier you do it the less pain she will feel.

[staggerlee71]

If anyone were to come on here and say that she has been dating someone for 3 months who:

 

--doesn't express verbal affection despite her pouring it on thick

--keeps reminding her that they aren't serious

--agrees to go on a trip w her but only after her constant badgering and offering to pay for everything

 

We would tell this woman to wake up and get a clue, this guy clearly just isn't that into her and she is the one w the problem diving into things after only 3 months when the signs are so clear. And frankly, that she is acting desperate.

 

People on this thread really need to stop trying to shape the narrative that the OP is the one to blame for this, because he is not.

 

OP just tell her. I say do it over the phone actually (phone call not text). I think it would be the kinder thing to do than in person, as it would give her more space. Again you are doing nothing wrong by breaking up with her. And despite a lot of harsh words you've gotten on here, you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

 

 

seriously, 3 months!? You just might be a good guy for feeling this much.

 

set yourself free

[1fish2fish]

Not yet. Supposed to see her tomorrow so I’d rather do it then. Unless it’s just best to do it now by calling her up.

 

Definitely in person.

 

Good luck and be firm. Obviously, she's hoping that you'll change your mind about wanting a serious relationship because she's "special". We all want to be special. lol Do NOT try and be friends, because you know she'll read more into it than you want. The best thing you can do for her is to walk away and not look back.

[Cristoforo]

Why exactly does a breakup have to be in person? I really never understood that. I don’t care if its “the right thing to do”. The persons feelings are going to be hurt regardless of how you break up with them, you really think they’re gonna care whether you do it in person or on the phone? Are they gonna hate you a little less after you break their heart because you did in it person. I think I’m gonna go the phone call route because I really don’t want to see her today and just want this to be over. I think a phone call is fine, we’ve only been dating 3 months. I’ll send her a check for my share of the trip and then go complete no contact. Now I’ll await for people on here to call me awful things because I didn’t break up with someone in person. LOL. What does it matter as long as I end it??? I’ll never see this person again so who cares how I break it off. I might even consider a text message. She’ll get over it.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Cristoforo

[Imajerk17]

I agree with you OP. Dude just call her up and be done with it. Be kind on the phone, but considering that you and she have only been dating 3 months and that you already told her a few times it is casual, it doesn't make as much sense to do it in person as it would on the phone.

 

In fact, if you were to do it in person as if this were a serious relationship, you may confuse her even more.

 

IF she presses you for reasons, tell her that you think the two of you just have too different lifestyles and that you do not want to keep her from finding someone better for her.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Whodatdog]

I hope you dont do it by text, but I see no problem with a phone call.

[Cristoforo]

I hope you dont do it by text, but I see no problem with a phone call.

 

I definitely won’t do it by text. Phone call it is.