itzama Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Bf and I been together for 2.5 years. For the past 1.5 year he hasn't been able to keep stable job. At one point we lived together, he was unemployed for couple months, fell into depression. I had to be the strong one all the time, cheer him up etc. Eventually I felt it was very exhausting for me, I feel into depression so I moved out, took a break from each other. meantime, he got let go twice again at other temp jobs. We have been back together for past 5 months, last week they let him go again from his current job and now back to unemployed, depressed again, we don't live together this time. How long do I wait? He seems lost and I don't know how to help him anymore. On the other hand, I'm doing very well in my career and getting ready to buy a home. We are a different stages of my life, and while I love him , i'm there for him, it is very unattractive and I've grown tired. However, normal day to day life, we get along well, he treats me very good is so kind to me, spoils me, big heart kinda of guy etc. For those of you with experience, how important is this for long term partnership? is it worth sticking it out? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 If you want a "wife" stay with him if he's doing all that spoiling & taking care of the house. I lived with a guy like that for a while. He couldn't keep a job but my house was spotless; he picked up my dry cleaning; he ran all my errands; he food shopped; every day I came home to another hot gormet home cooked meal; he did my laundry; he mowed the grass & shoeveled the snow; hell he even painted my house inside and out. On some levels it was nice. I felt taken care of. If you want an equal partner who can hold his own & be financially independent, you have to recognzie he's not your guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Why does he keep on losing his jobs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itzama Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 Why does he keep on losing his jobs? He usually accepts not very good jobs that have high turn over in my opinion. but most of the time he looses his job because employers tell him hes not the right fit. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Not the right fit is a euphamism for he's not working hard enough. Your BF is unmotivated to become financially independent. Let me guess, he gets a new job when his unemployment runs out? You either need to accept that this will never change & you will always be the primary bread winner or get a new BF. You can tell him you two are no longer a good fit. He's used to hearing that 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 If he's never had a job for 5 years or more, he's never going to. I'm surprised he can even get a job with his track record. So that's unlikely to improve. Why would you want to sit around with someone who's unemployed and depressed bringing you down. Look, I get you love him and feel sorry for him, and that's great. You can be his friend. But there's a lot of people you can love and shouldn't even consider marrying. If he's irrresponsible on the job, he will be with the kids too. I like DOnnivain's scenario, but I seriously doubt he's any more ambitious about housework than about employment work. You can do better. He's just dragging you down. Let him move home with his parents or else force himself to keep a job and you can be friends with him if you want until you meet the right guy, but be clear that's what you're going to do and don't keep having sex with him so he knows you mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 He usually accepts not very good jobs that have high turn over in my opinion. but most of the time he looses his job because employers tell him hes not the right fit. So your boyfriend is uneducated, unmotivated and has no ambition to better his condition? Is that the type a man you can build a solid future with? How old are you 2 ? Life, love, relationships have little to do with *love*. Love alone is not enough, love will not conquer it all, love will not put food on the table. If you pick this man as your life partner you will always be the bread winner and he'll be what? the guy that's kind to you? I don't see this lifting off the ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 So your boyfriend is uneducated, unmotivated and has no ambition to better his condition? Is that the type a man you can build a solid future with? How old are you 2 ? Life, love, relationships have little to do with *love*. Love alone is not enough, love will not conquer it all, love will not put food on the table. If you pick this man as your life partner you will always be the bread winner and he'll be what? the guy that's kind to you? I don't see this lifting off the ground. With respect that is a massive leap to make those suppositions about someone. I am currently in the position of the guy OP is discussing, got laid off out of the blue over a year ago from a well paid job that I had no idea was under threat. Within two weeks I was told my job was at risk and then I was gone. I’ve since lost my home, had to move to a new part of the country where I don’t know anyone and it has been a real struggle to find employment and I have been applying for minimum wage jobs when my last role paid £30k a year. Does that make me unmotivated, uneducated with no ambition? When you are unemployed you are caught between waiting for the ideal job to come along (which you might not get), also knowing that recruiters (and everyone else) will judge you mercilessly on your current status, or getting any job just to pay the bills and have something to put on your CV. One thing unemployment has taught me is that we need to be kinder and not judge people on their employment. The best of us are only one ‘down-sizing’ (gotta love these cute synonyms for ‘job-loss’ haven’t you) away from being in the same position. This guy would not be depressed if he didn’t care about the reality of his situation or did not have ambition. People get depressed when they are unemployed because they lose their confidence, self worth, have to deal with A LOT of rejection and then, to top it all off, have society thinking they are trash. So yeah, try walking a mile in their shoes before assuming they are a deadbeat. And I don’t think that not being a right fit means they are bad at the job, it could do, or a cigar could be a cigar and it could mean that their personality didn’t mesh. It is a temp job, they can let you go at a moment’s notice just for a laugh and get someone else in- there are more people looking for work than there are jobs so people are easily replaced when they don’t have a permanent contract or any worker’s rights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 With respect that is a massive leap to make those suppositions about someone. I would say.... it all depends. Depends on his long term work history, depends on the local economy etc. I am in the San Francisco Bay Area. The economy here is booming. The unemployment rate is 2.9%. I am currently looking to hire an assistant. The number of resumes coming in, that show job histories of 10 years, yet never maintain a position for more than a year are shocking! Long list of jobs they held for 2-3 months. It wasn't like this 5-10 years ago when the unemployment rate was higher, but right now, we are scraping the bottom of the barrel to find people - often they are people who seem to be "not a good fit" at most places they land. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 some_username1: We're not talking about a man that lost a good job once, or talking about a man trying to relocate, we're talking about a man that repeatedly loses his job and repeatedly for the same reasons. If once or twice he had lost his job for uncontrollable situations like the company closes, let go for lack of work, I would understand but it's not the case. I don't know why you took this as a personal attack on you. Let OP come back and explain herself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Can he get additional training or acquire a new trade, so he is more valuable to an employer?? Is there a way for him to upgraded his skill set in his trade?? Maybe he is bored and unmotivated in his present line of work?? I know I got bored at one job (many years ago) and went back to college (at night) to upgrade and enhance what I could offer to a potential employer. It worked. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 some username 1 You & the OP's BF are cut from a different cloth. You had a good job. You worked hard & you are still taking the steps to do what is necessary to provide for yourself. OP's BF & my EX did do not want to work. They want to have somebody else take care of them. My guy happily picked up the slack at home because there were no deadlines, ringing phones, or performance evaluations but to go to work & earn a pay check, well that was beyond him. I wish you well in your struggles. FWIW a friend of mine who had been habitually unemployed for the last 10 years for a variety of reasons recently found a new job. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Can he get additional training or acquire a new trade, so he is more valuable to an employer?? Is there a way for him to upgraded his skill set in his trade?? Maybe he is bored and unmotivated in his present line of work?? I know I got bored at one job (many years ago) and went back to college (at night) to upgrade and enhance what I could offer to a potential employer. It worked. Well of course he could. I think just about anyone could. The question is, is he motivated to? Is he what employers like to call a "self starter"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author itzama Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 Unfortunately he does have a history of loosing jobs. I'm 30 and he's 32. No, I don't think he's okay with things being this way, he cares, he wants to succeed and pull his weight especially when he sees me succeeding at my career. We are very different, I don't struggle with work, even i'm let go today I have no doubt I will find other job maybe even better ones. But he gets so down on himself, it's hard to help him motivate him. He also tends to settle for less when it comes to a job. It's like he is his worst enemy because I see how much he wants to succeed but doesn't seem to get where he wants to be. And, yes I see a lack of discipline on his part , he blames it on not knowing what to do for a career. Yet, he bikes alot races and is very competitive about the sport. I wish he would put as much work/discipline to finding himself/career as he puts into biking. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Well of course he could. I think just about anyone could. The question is, is he motivated to? Is he what employers like to call a "self starter"? I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he wasn't working hard at his job, because he didn't like those particular jobs or what he was doing. Having something a little more motivating and challenging might change his work ethic and he may become that "self-starter"?? But I see your point... Link to post Share on other sites
Author itzama Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 Well of course he could. I think just about anyone could. The question is, is he motivated to? Is he what employers like to call a "self starter"? He's not motivated right now as he just got let go. He's having a hard time with so much rejection he feels nobody wants to hire him and if they do hes afraid they will fire him later.. But when he has a job he tells me he's motivated to sell etc. however, good results don't come thru in the end they let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 He's not motivated right now as he just got let go. He's having a hard time with so much rejection he feels nobody wants to hire him and if they do hes afraid they will fire him later.. But when he has a job he tells me he's motivated to sell etc. however, good results don't come thru in the end they let him go. What industry does he work in, and how old is he? The thing is - work, jobs, they aren't charity, its a tough world out there. Its sink or swim. It sounds like he has been sinking. I don't know if its a trying to fit a square peg in a round hole scenario. Of if he has attention deficit issues, or what the issue is. So, the first two questions are important - Is he 20 with just a few years of job history, or 45 and can't keep a stable job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author itzama Posted January 25, 2018 Author Share Posted January 25, 2018 What industry does he work in, and how old is he? The thing is - work, jobs, they aren't charity, its a tough world out there. Its sink or swim. It sounds like he has been sinking. I don't know if its a trying to fit a square peg in a round hole scenario. Of if he has attention deficit issues, or what the issue is. So, the first two questions are important - Is he 20 with just a few years of job history, or 45 and can't keep a stable job? He is 32 with a history of job losses since he finished college. One job he told me he was good at is managing a little pizza restaurant but he moved so he left that job. Rest of jobs have been in sales in person and/or phone, or sales support, insurance agent, most recently nurse recruiting. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 He is 32 with a history of job losses since he finished college. What is his degree?? Perhaps there is an off-shoot (field of work) of his original degree that might spark his interest?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Everyone is different, but I would not be willing to be with someone with this employment history because, in my opinion, it's usually a symptom of a bigger problem. At age 32, it sounds like it's pretty much just who he is. Unless you think he'd make a great stay-at-home-husband/dad, and you'd be OK with that arrangement (being the sole bread winner), I think you should reconsider the longevity of this relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 Well, my only experience was helping my exW when her business was struggling, as she had just started it when we met. Sometimes that was moral support, sometimes it was offering business advice since at that time my business was doing quite well, sometimes it was money. Fast forward many years when the market had changed, she was doing well, I was caregiving and was struggling. Her response, as my wife "What do you expect me to do about it?" Luckily there were no guns in the house. So, OP, here's some advice....be careful how you treat others on the way up since you'll likely meet them on the way down. You're not married and have no moral nor legal obligations to this man so IMO do what suits you without any consideration for him. That's actually pretty normal these days. My marriage taught me some important lessons about the real world. Brutal stuff. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 some_username1: We're not talking about a man that lost a good job once, or talking about a man trying to relocate, we're talking about a man that repeatedly loses his job and repeatedly for the same reasons. If once or twice he had lost his job for uncontrollable situations like the company closes, let go for lack of work, I would understand but it's not the case. I don't know why you took this as a personal attack on you. Let OP come back and explain herself. As I explained I have seen the worst of human nature since being made redundant- admittedly i was probably as judgmental when i was in work. So I take every opportunity to remind people that there is a story behind every person who struggles with finding work and holding down a job. It is easy to have that judgement when you havent been in that situation. I have and its really opened my eyes. The last thing you need in that situation is being reminded by other people that society assumes people trying to get back into work are worthless and useless. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 As I explained I have seen the worst of human nature since being made redundant- admittedly i was probably as judgmental when i was in work. So I take every opportunity to remind people that there is a story behind every person who struggles with finding work and holding down a job. It is easy to have that judgement when you havent been in that situation. I have and its really opened my eyes. The last thing you need in that situation is being reminded by other people that society assumes people trying to get back into work are worthless and useless. What makes you think I have not been in a similar situation? You need to separate your story to this guy's story. There are people out there that are not trust worthy, that are lazy, that lack ambition. Lets see what OP has to say about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 He is 32 with a history of job losses since he finished college. . Bingo. People finish college usually around 20. For the past 12 years he only has a history of lost jobs. Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 25, 2018 Share Posted January 25, 2018 He is 32 with a history of job losses since he finished college. One job he told me he was good at is managing a little pizza restaurant but he moved so he left that job. Rest of jobs have been in sales in person and/or phone, or sales support, insurance agent, most recently nurse recruiting. Well a long term history of this is obviously a much harder sell than a yesr or two trying to find something that sticks. I wonder if he self sabotages on some level taking into account the temp roles and that he had something he actually had the start of a career and quit to move. FWIW OP I was in a smiliar situation, dating a girl who got fed up waiting for me trying to get a break with a job. I didn't blame her and don't blame you either, i don't think it can work long term. If he is struggling with depression though I'm sure he would probably appreciate you being there as a friend. It is quite easy to feel like you don't exist at times like this and that can really affect your mental health. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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