Bf can't keep a job..

[Gaeta]

He's not motivated right now as he just got let go. He's having a hard time with so much rejection he feels nobody wants to hire him and if they do hes afraid they will fire him later.. But when he has a job he tells me he's motivated to sell etc. however, good results don't come thru in the end they let him go.

 

He needs to come to the realization he's not cut for sales ! He's 32 years old he needs to get his act together. He needs to get himself a new trade and work a regular job with a regular pay. If he liked managing a restaurant than he can take a small-business-management course.

 

I have changed career at the age of 33 and as a single mother! He can do this.

[itzama]

As I explained I have seen the worst of human nature since being made redundant- admittedly i was probably as judgmental when i was in work. So I take every opportunity to remind people that there is a story behind every person who struggles with finding work and holding down a job. It is easy to have that judgement when you havent been in that situation. I have and its really opened my eyes. The last thing you need in that situation is being reminded by other people that society assumes people trying to get back into work are worthless and useless.

 

I don't think he's worthless or useless, I see a lot potential I've stuck by him for while, his ex wife walked because of this career issue. We actually have the same degree, International studies. We are just very different, I had a very rough upbringing and everything I have I had to work for on my own. While, he was given everything, his parents paid for his college where most of his focus was party/drinking. I am aware of his story, but it is hard for me to understand it because mine is totally opposite and yes I been unemployed before so I been there. I know life shapes us all differently, but one thing I know that no matter what life throws at you good or bad, we all have a choice every day. I choose to look at the bright side of every situation and it has always worked for me. He chooses to look at the negative side of things and no matter how much I want to help him, believe in him, he won't believe in himself. Until then, I don't know there is much I can do .

[Gaeta]

I don't think he's worthless or useless, I see a lot potential I've stuck by him for while, his ex wife walked because of this career issue. We actually have the same degree, International studies. We are just very different, I had a very rough upbringing and everything I have I had to work for on my own. While, he was given everything, his parents paid for his college where most of his focus was party/drinking. I am aware of his story, but it is hard for me to understand it because mine is totally opposite and yes I been unemployed before so I been there. I know life shapes us all differently, but one thing I know that no matter what life throws at you good or bad, we all have a choice every day. I choose to look at the bright side of every situation and it has always worked for me. He chooses to look at the negative side of things and no matter how much I want to help him, believe in him, he won't believe in himself. Until then, I don't know there is much I can do .

 

There is nothing you can do. It all has to come from within himself.

 

His wife got tired of waiting for him to get his act together, lets say she test-drived it and it didn't work, why would you go down the same path as her?

[itzama]

Well a long term history of this is obviously a much harder sell than a yesr or two trying to find something that sticks.

 

I wonder if he self sabotages on some level taking into account the temp roles and that he had something he actually had the start of a career and quit to move.

 

FWIW OP I was in a smiliar situation, dating a girl who got fed up waiting for me trying to get a break with a job. I didn't blame her and don't blame you either, i don't think it can work long term. If he is struggling with depression though I'm sure he would probably appreciate you being there as a friend. It is quite easy to feel like you don't exist at times like this and that can really affect your mental health.

 

this is a good point , thank you. I try to be there for him but he seems ashamed of the situation with me that he won't take my support. He rather turns to rely on family/friends for support. So that also has me feeling meh, that I cannot longer cheer him up.

[d0nnivain]

It's VERY difficult to make a living in sales. Every job he has ever had has been in sales, even the pizzeria. He was selling food. Some people are not born sales folks. It takes a really thick skin to deal with all that depression & I don't know where these people sometimes get the energy to keep being upbeat. The good ones think they're fortune is just around the corner.

 

 

My husband was in sales when we first met. Frankly he sucked at it. Consequently he made very little money.

 

 

Eventually he got a management job outside of sales & he has thrived! He's been promoted several times. He finally found his calling. Encourage your BF to look for jobs that are not sales.

[mrs rubble]

You say he has a passion for bicycles, is there any way he could start his own business, dealing in bikes/parts/accessories or repairs? If he has a passion for it and he has to make it work for himself there's a chance he could succeed.

[some_username1]

this is a good point , thank you. I try to be there for him but he seems ashamed of the situation with me that he won't take my support. He rather turns to rely on family/friends for support. So that also has me feeling meh, that I cannot longer cheer him up.

 

As long as he has people around him that is the main thing. I am far away from.my support network so I feel the isolation quite a bit, having people around me helps me get out of bed when I wake up to a load of rejection emails, or no emails at all.

 

I commend you for having a go, you seem quite open minded. I would make sure he has the support from family and then keep an eye on whether he finds some stability and maybe try again then if you both still feel the same.

 

Good luck OP.

[darkmoon]

he must learn self-sufficiency, the hard way it seems

 

you need to slow down, avoid this complete reversal of traditional roles, hell, even most men want women to pay their way these days

 

you are making a rod for your own back if he moves in but is broke

 

when he is safe from getting dismissed from a job, ok, or gets his bike business going, ok

[RecentChange]

We actually have the same degree, International studies. We are just very different, I had a very rough upbringing and everything I have I had to work for on my own.

 

While, he was given everything, his parents paid for his college where most of his focus was party/drinking. I am aware of his story, but it is hard for me to understand it because mine is totally opposite and yes I been unemployed before so I been there. I know life shapes us all differently, but one thing I know that no matter what life throws at you good or bad, we all have a choice every day.

 

Honestly this doesn't surprise me much. I didn't want to jump down his throat at first, but when I read your post, I thought about all of these resumes that have been coming across my desk - one short term placement after another, and I wondered.....

 

Why didn't they have the gumption to stick it out? Where is the work ethic?

 

You came up the hard way. You understand the value of hard work, and that sometimes you have to do it even though you don't want to. That some times you just have to suck it up butter cup, and trudge through, with a smile on your face, because that is what is expected, and what you have to do to keep a roof over your head.

 

Meanwhile - things have come easier for him up till this point, and I don't think he has learned to suck it up and deal. Stay pleasant at work even though you don't like it. Do what your manager says, even though you may not agree.

 

I joke if they want me to write upside and in purple - I will. Even though I think it is silly, as long as they keep paying my rent, I will conform to my employers demands.

 

Its something that has to be learned. Some learn it sooner than later, but he is hitting mid 30's soon, and sounds like he still hasn't figured out how to fit in, in a corporate culture, or find a niche that suits his talents.

 

Maybe he will have an epiphany next week, maybe he will be like my spoiled uncle, who always got bailed out by his parents, and is now a 60 year old man, still financially dependent on his mother.

 

Maybe he does need a career change - as for the bike industry suggestion (my husbands profession for 10 years before changing to beer - he does follow his passions!), he will need to start in an entry level position, and work his way up through sweat equity. Bikes - draw people with passions, there is actually a lot of competition for even low paying jobs, because well - people want to work in their passion! Its far from a highway to riches, more like an industry full of couch surfers who do it for the love of two wheels.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is 32 with a history of job losses since he finished college. One job he told me he was good at is managing a little pizza restaurant but he moved so he left that job. Rest of jobs have been in sales in person and/or phone, or sales support, insurance agent, most recently nurse recruiting.

 

Employers will generally find a place for someone who works hard, gets along with others and doesn't bring lifestyle issues into the workplace even if they don't necessarily show an aptitude for their current position. The fact that he's been let go multiple times means he's not meeting even the lowest bar for retention - in other words, he's essentially firing himself.

 

itzama, there's a very high probability this isn't going to change, so it's up to you if his other qualities merit planning a future with him. If you do go forward, do so with eyes wide open...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some people do get unlucky and are let go despite good performance. However, that's very rare. And even in those scenarios they land on their feet soon enough.

 

The bar for keeping employment is pretty low as previous poster said. You can totally get away with doing the bare minimum, keeping away from drama and handing in the work of average quality.

 

I often see people that have personality differences with their bosses (sure it happens) and then act out and become destructive or even resign without having another job lined up. What they should do is get on with work, keep a low profile and start applying for other jobs, then leave once they get it.

 

I mean, I could be let go tomorrow from my job. It would suck, but I would rather clean toilets than sit around unemployed and sooner or later will find something. I am looking for a partner with a similar work ethic.

[nospam99]

Well of course he could. I think just about anyone could.

 

The question is, is he motivated to? Is he what employers like to call a "self starter"?

 

Just about anyone could? Now I'M insulted. Three old degrees including Master's in business and computer science. 35 years high-level I/T including I/T architecture, data modeling, teaching at the undergraduate level, operating system development, and project management. During my FOUR YEARS of unemployment I went back to college again: straight A's (just like in grad school) got an Associates in Electrical Technology. Still no decent job. Reachable on dozens of civil service lists, usually getting 100 on the exams. Finally got a temp job for the county, literally sorting papers. Not everywhere is San Francisco.

[RecentChange]

Sorry you too direct offense nospam....

 

You could have relocated, choose a different industry, all kinds of paths could have been taken differently.

 

I realize life is not fair... And your situation sounds a bit different than a guy in his early 30's with a degree he has never used, and a very spotty job history.

 

My father in law found his position eliminated when he was in early 50's. He managed to go back to school, obtain a law degree, passed the bar, and became a District Attorney until his retirement.

 

Yes, just about anyone can get some different education. You did, but it sounds like it didn't work out for you.

 

And I agree not everyone is in SF. It's sink or swim here, a real F'ing rat race. Very competitive with astronomical cost of living.

 

Trying to fill entry level jobs is a nightmare because they can't make it here....

[unit1]

I also feel he can try to start his own business.

ever tried selling some old stuff on ebay?

 

when after college, I changed a lot jobs, keep changing, I m not the type suit for staying in a company for long years, so I finally realize I need to start my own stuff.

[Chilli]

Same, own business most of my working life.

 

Often people who can't fit into that scene or work for a boss do very well breaking out on their own.

[sandylee1]

I couldn't be dealing with a guy like this. The problem lies with him. Nobody else. No wonder his Ex got fed up...if you 8eith him..you'll have the burden of the financial pressure... because he's unreliable.

 

You will be constantly stressed he'll lose yet another job.

 

He'll just drag you down and make you depressed.

[thefooloftheyear]

He should take a lesson from a lot of women that don't really want to work, but need to show their SO that they are at least giving some half assed effort...

 

Become a real estate agent...

 

TFY

[ZayKayWill]

I mean...may I ask what exactly about the whole situation bothers you? I understand not wanting to be the only person bringing in income but you can't really make the guy choose a career he doesn't wanna choose. He basicslly sounds like the house wife to me, which honestly is perfectly okay, which is why I'm wondering what EXACTLY it is about the situation that's bringing you down. Personally...even if I was the primary breadwinner in the relationship, if my wife was putting in equal effort by at least cleaning the house and what not, I honestly don't think I would be complaining too much.

[RecentChange]

Bf and I been together for 2.5 years. For the past 1.5 year he hasn't been able to keep stable job. At one point we lived together, he was unemployed for couple months, fell into depression. I had to be the strong one all the time, cheer him up etc. Eventually I felt it was very exhausting for me, I feel into depression so I moved out, took a break from each other. meantime, he got let go twice again at other temp jobs. We have been back together for past 5 months, last week they let him go again from his current job and now back to unemployed, depressed again, we don't live together this time.

 

I mean...may I ask what exactly about the whole situation bothers you? I understand not wanting to be the only person bringing in income but you can't really make the guy choose a career he doesn't wanna choose. He basicslly sounds like the house wife to me, which honestly is perfectly okay, which is why I'm wondering what EXACTLY it is about the situation that's bringing you down. Personally...even if I was the primary breadwinner in the relationship, if my wife was putting in equal effort by at least cleaning the house and what not, I honestly don't think I would be complaining too much.

 

They aren't married, they don't have kids, and they don't live together. But if they did live together, certainly sounds like she ends up burdened with the brunt of the finical and mental load.

 

What exactly does being unemployed and depressed have to do with being a house wife?

 

There was a month or two, right after I graduated and was looking for work that I played housewife.

 

I grocery shopped, and bought in bulk / cooked from scratch to stretch our money. My then boyfriend (now husband) came home every day to a sparkling clean house, and a home cooked dinner. I had plenty of time to do that during the day, between going to interviews, working on my resume, and general job hunting (and yes, even a few temp positions to bring in some cash).

 

I don't know what part of the country you live in -but around here, you have to be making big bucks at 30 years old to be able to afford a stay at home spouse.

[Lovengrace]

I think you know your bf better than anyone else after being with him all this time. You know his personality, his character, his work ethics. You see patterns of unemployement and depression in his life. His issues impact you negatively so you step away from him, yet return to be by his side. You had a hard life where you learned to be strong and independent, where as your bf was sheltered and “taken care of” so that he could enjoy himself. This pattern continues in your relationship, it seems.

 

I think before you make any kind of commitment with your bf, you need to ask yourself why you want to remain in a relationship with him. He may be fun, loving, generous, etc. But there are other important facets to a man that cannot be ignored if you want a successful marriage. Perhaps he had been “sheltered” most of his life and is expecting to continue living that comfortable, fun life. Being with someone like you would be great for him since you would continue to offer that shelter. You will go out and face life’s challenges and he could continue having fun and enjoying life. But is that what you want? You can begin to shift that dynamic by stop being his shelter. Practice hard love. Because you love him, you want him to become stronger, more independent. You can only do that once you stop providing him excuses, stop doing things for him. Draw your boundaries. Let his problems be his, not yours. Resist your temptation to help him. Let him find a job and keep it. Let him figure out why he keeps either getting fired or quitting. Work is work. Most of us work because we have to, not because we enjoy it. Let him work on whatever his issues are that keep him unemployed. I think you are struggling to carry both your weight and his, which is not meant to be.