In Love With Different Sex Drives, My Wife Gave Me A Pass

[StillRambunctious]

Hi,

 

I'm looking to network with people in similar situations, or get some advise from others who know how this works.

 

My wife and I have been married for over a dozen years. We have two young kids and are very ambitious with our own careers (both business owners). We've had some ups and downs like any marriage, I suppose, and had a big bump in our relationship about three years ago. We went through counseling at the time and fought hard to keep our heads and make it work, which we did. I believe we came out stronger because of it. We still love each other, make each other laugh and enjoy raising two amazing kids together.

 

However, there's one thing that has changed over the last few years. We both have acknowledged it and are trying to work through it. My wife believes she's going through early menopause, which has depleted her sex drive. I on the other hand, still think she's hot as hell and want just as much sex as we used to have (at least a few times a week). It's safe to say we are two creative, attractive and open-minded people, but haven't strayed from our relationship beyond an occasional flirtation.

 

We both used to love sex often and when we had it, it was almost always amazing. We'd even do things like watch adult movies together and experiment with different toys and fantasies, etc. But over the last few years, that has all pretty much gone away. She tells me she just isn't that into IT anymore, but I'm getting the feeling she's just not that into ME. I get tired of asking and getting rejected, so I pretty much have stopped asking. We've gone from having sex 2 to 3 times a week to about once a month.

 

Recently, on a trip together in Europe, we had a lot of time to talk about it. One night, after a few glasses of wine and a long conversation, she gave me a pass to have flings with others. She said she knew her sex drive was no longer as strong as it used to be and that she has a more "European sensibility" when it comes to sex. Therefore, she said it wouldn't upset her if I found other avenues to have fun, as long as it didn't turn into anything other than sex. In other words, "go have your fun, but don't forget where your home and your real love is." She just doesn't want to know about it.

 

While this all sounds great on paper and somewhat hard to believe, I have no clue how to do it. I was raised to always be faithful and I still love her completely. I would never do anything to jeopardize our family. Like I said before, our sex together is spectacular when we have it. But lately, we just don't connect much. With everything going on in our careers and our family, the times when we get to have even meaningful conversations are rare.

 

I absolutely love having sex, but not just the act. I love the anticipation. I love the flirting. I love the conversation. I love everything that leads up to it. It makes me feel alive and human.

 

I also miss it. A LOT. Am I supposed to just live with that? Is it wrong to explore the idea of taking her up on her offer?

 

Recently, I've started some great non-sexual relationships and conversations with other women. I've felt a mutual attraction with a couple of them and could have likely taken it further, but I didn't. How do you even broach this subject with others without looking like just another creepy married guy looking to cheat on his wife? How can you keep things discreet, while still putting yourself out there? I have to say: I'm a pretty picky guy and must be attracted to someone, both physically and intellectually, before anything sexual happens. That's just who I am. Frankly, I never anticipated being in this situation again, but here I am.

 

Like I said, I know this likely sounds like BS to most of you, and that's why I feel like I'm alone in the wilderness. Is there anyone else out there in this situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited January 25, 2018 by StillRambunctious

[usa1ah]

This could really be the case. There are plenty of dating sites to do what you are looking at doing.

 

I would suggest counseling first to see what has happened in your marriage. Try and fix you sex life first.

 

Down the road, would you be ok with your wife having sex with another man?

 

The other thing is a few wives when they cheat will slow down or stop the frequency of sex with their husbands. Check into this, the offer while on vacation might just be because she already is seeing others.

 

Your choice on what to do, you need to figure thing out completely first.

 

Also don’t hide what you do from her. If she is doing this she needs to be involved with you. That’s the only way to do something like this.

[StillRambunctious]

Thanks USA. I appreciate the response. We actually talked about "swinging" together, but we both agreed it would have to be the absolute right situation, with the right people ... and far away from home, so we don't run into anyone we know. haha

 

I really don't think she's cheating. We're pretty open with each other about everything. She often asks me to look things up for her on her email or her phone. I'm sure I would see evidence of cheating there. But I'm also not seeing any red flags, other than the lack of sex. And I know she's been talking to her doctor about menopause and her mom had the same issues at the same age.

 

Not sure how counseling will help, when everything else seems to be fine. Also, we've seen counselors in the past and mostly walked away thinking it was a waste of money.

 

I've researched some sites and even joined a local swinging chat group, anonymously. The problem is, most women in these groups frown on single males hooking up without their wives. That's the catch-22.

 

I often can't believe I'm doing this, exploring the idea or even chatting anonymously about it. Just trying to make sense of it all I guess. I often feel like I'm being selfish or lacking will power to just turn off my sex drive, but I'm not sure that's possible or even healthy.

 

Anyway, thank again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I love the anticipation. I love the flirting. I love the conversation. I love everything that leads up to it. It makes me feel alive and human.

 

There's a word for those actions, it's called a relationship. As in the one you already have with your wife.

 

If your wife didn't think you were romantic enough, would you consider having someone come over to cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings?

 

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow. What you're describing would be the end of married life as you know it.

 

Tell her "Thanks honey, but I prefer to put all my energy into this relationship"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StillRambunctious]

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow.

 

Yep, I'm pretty used to hearing that. haha

 

I'm putting in the energy for sure. Have been for quite some time now. However, I often feel like more of a pest than a husband working on a relationship. And I hate making her feel uncomfortable or guilty for not wanting sex, hence why I've stopped asking.

[road]

Maybe she is not wanting it home because she is getting

it on the side.

[todreaminblue]

she doesnt want to have more sex with you she wants less but you guys are talking swinging.....does that feel right to you

 

intimacy can be achieved in other ways one on one you and her than hiding the hotdog somewhere else.....or playing with someone else hot dog...before you start swinging your penis.......and her kittty kat....ill give you a possible scenario...your marriage might end...is it worth that.....be prepared for your marriage to end.....and that is a distinct possibility...you want excitement and more sex....find your romance and the flirtations in your own relationship because if you cant or dont...it is either dead or dying...resuscitate..breathe life where there is decay and dont stop bringing romance and intimacy back again...either one of you........stat

[StillRambunctious]

Maybe she is not wanting it home because she is getting it on the side.

 

Look, anything's possible I guess, but I'm pretty confident that's not the case. We both run our own businesses from home, so we pretty much know where the other one is 24/7. If anything, we may spend too much time together. haha

 

I'm curious if there are any women on here who can speak to the pre-menopausal issue. Does it make sense that she has lost her drive and desire?

[todreaminblue]

Look, anything's possible I guess, but I'm pretty confident that's not the case. We both run our own businesses from home, so we pretty much know where the other one is 24/7. If anything, we may spend too much time together. haha

 

I'm curious if there are any women on here who can speak to the pre-menopausal issue. Does it make sense that she has lost her drive and desire?

 

i am possibly pre menopausal..my body keeps changing.my drive has not changed...i am however celibate so its actually controlled.....lots of women lose their drive from knowing older women around me....theres a physical change in the vagina can often be dry and painful on intercourse.....there's also the emotional hormonal change because it is called the change of life for a reason...in my mind and personality however......this is where the woman may have to work a little harder to understand her husbands needs over her own desire to pull back sexually..and a husband will have to a little more patient and understanding and get used to knowing which lube tastes good and most natural to him.....as he pleasures his wife orally....gently with a luscious wet tongue as he whispers how yummy she tastes like bubblegum........yeah...my sex drive is alive still.....just kicked me in the guts...putting it to bed now....

 

 

...as far as being premenopausal and thinking of swinging to fix things.....ummm...thats a first for me and ....feels off.....and if... something your wife is considering.......she may not be emotionally sound or logical at the moment...were you drunk when you discussed it and was she.....deb

[StillRambunctious]

she doesnt want to have more sex with you she wants less but you guys are talking swinging.....does that feel right to you

 

No. It doesn't. Hence the problem.

 

I agree about bringing romance back in. I love romance, but to be perfectly frank, she hates it. As she's gotten older she's been more focused on her business and less on anything intimate. She often talks about how much she "hates feelings." She doesn't like to cuddle or do anything intimate. If a guy does this, it perceived as normal, but flip the gender roles and all of a sudden she's sleeping around.

 

I used to take this personally, but I've learned to accept who she is and work on myself to find happiness elsewhere (e.g. taking care of the kids, creative endeavors, business, etc). I'm a work in progress. That doesn't mean I don't love her, or that we still don't find opportunities to connect, because we do. They're just fewer and farther apart.

 

I guess by your definition, our marriage is dead. I'm more optimistic than that and will fight on. It's hard work, but worth it.

[StillRambunctious]

...as far as being premenopausal and thinking of swinging to fix things.....ummm...thats a first for me and ....feels off.....and if... something your wife is considering.......she may not be emotionally sound or logical at the moment...were you drunk when you discussed it and was she.....deb

 

Yes, we were drinking at the time and trying to find ways to rev things up. I really don't think either of us were serious, because neither of us are necessarily good in crowds of people we don't know. I can't imagine doing that naked. haha

 

Your experience sounds a lot like what she's experiencing. Like I said, I'm trying to understand and be sensitive to it. I'll keep at it.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[treehugger12]

Just curious, how old is she? I’m late 40’s, not sure if I’m pre menopause or not??? But dang, 40’s have been the best, sex drive way up, could be due to healthy eating and exercise, does she exercise? That could help her to wake things up again?

But I’ll say this, my husband lost interest a long time ago, married for years. I feel like I’m still pretty “hot” for my age, I’m not for affairs and never thought I’d go there, but had a short fling with a MM last year and and may happen again as things are getting heated up again, I’m trying to control myself but all I can think about is getting it on with him...ugh...not sure this helped but I’m following your thread:)

[todreaminblue]

No. It doesn't. Hence the problem.

 

I agree about bringing romance back in. I love romance, but to be perfectly frank, she hates it. As she's gotten older she's been more focused on her business and less on anything intimate. She often talks about how much she "hates feelings." She doesn't like to cuddle or do anything intimate. If a guy does this, it perceived as normal, but flip the gender roles and all of a sudden she's sleeping around.

 

I used to take this personally, but I've learned to accept who she is and work on myself to find happiness elsewhere (e.g. taking care of the kids, creative endeavors, business, etc). I'm a work in progress. That doesn't mean I don't love her, or that we still don't find opportunities to connect, because we do. They're just fewer and farther apart.

 

I guess by your definition, our marriage is dead. I'm more optimistic than that and will fight on. It's hard work, but worth it.

 

your marriage is dead when you sign the divorce papers...even then i have known of rare cases even marriages that have died with divorce can be resurrected.....im disgusted in myself that you think i said your marriage is dead......and i apologise with the fact i didnt make my words clear.....i feel the opposite is true.....you are on a relationship site seeking advice and support which shows you care about your marriage and your wife....if you feel disrespected or that i attacked your marriage or not supported by me please believe i am very much with your marriage just needs some tlc...but not with swinging ...i think and feel that your wife may regret that option.and yes swinging is actually pretty horrid....i was paid to swing at parties on occasion years and years ago by rich bored men....and swinging in no way in my experience ......have anything to do with real intimacy and romance....

 

as an escort (i am no longer one will never be again)...many men like you whose wife had turned from them ...spent time with me when i was a young hooker......had a visit from a wife actually.....an abusive one.....she had changed her mind about her husband seeing hookers.....because he fell in love with me i refused to spend time with him as he wanted me to be his alone....i did not want to split up a marriage or lead the guy on....his wife marched in caught me sitting on the steps between jobs.......and called me every name she could think of under the sun..threatened to kill me.......i asked her..why did you tell him to see hookers......she huffed and walked out....which was lucky because security was on its way and i would have had to defend her...and i didnt like her that much..i never saw him or her again....i am hoping they worked it out...adn didnt do stupid things again....

 

 

...cherish your marriage ...you and your wife...because no one else ....really can like you guys can...no one on earth has mor einvestment than you an her....and god ..he cherishes your union..

 

you and her against the world .....keep that in your heart........good luck rambunctious.....are you impulsive?.is that why you have rambunctious as a user name....deb

[StillRambunctious]

Just curious, how old is she? I’m late 40’s, not sure if I’m pre menopause or not??? But dang, 40’s have been the best, sex drive way up, could be due to healthy eating and exercise, does she exercise? That could help her to wake things up again?

 

We're both in our 40's, me late 40's, her early. We're both in pretty good shape, we exercise and eat healthy.

 

I can relate. It's really hard trying to keep my mind off of sex. I wish she felt that way too.

[BluesPower]

Tread lightly...

 

First off, it is possible that this could work, possible. And some people have made this work.

 

Second, you answered one of the main concerns yourself. She does not want to have sex with you. Now if that is really the issue, you have way bigger problems than your sex life. Why does she not want to have sex with you?

 

Third, maybe she is not cheating, but most, by a large margin, of women that suggest this, are cheating. Or they are thinking about cheating. Those are just the facts.

 

Forth, stop acting like a kid in a candy store. I mean please. This all sounds great up front but think about this.

 

a) What happens when she finds a lover? How are you going to feel about that? And she wants to have as much sex with that love as she can, and any sex at home completely dries up? And she will find a lover, make no mistake.

 

b) What about the emotional closeness of your marriage, which is your primary relationship?

 

c) What if you develop feelings for another woman and actually start a relationship with her? Or what if your wife does?

 

So can you answer those questions yet. I think I can answer some of them or give you some general advise.

 

Sex is easy to find, that is not a problem if you are a decent looking guy and you are decent in the sack.

 

But I have had multiple relationships at the same time and no matter how it starts, and how "open" the woman is... Many of them want will start to want you full time and exclusively. It just happens.

 

Can you deal with that?

 

You really have a lot to think about. Frankly I don't think you are really at the "my sex drive is gone, go screw someone else" stage.

 

There may be relationship issues that she is hiding. And I would like to know what the "Bump" in the marriage was, if there was no infidelity, what was it.

 

There is a book call, I think, "Where did my sex drive go". Many woman say that it really helped them.

 

There is a lot that a woman can do if they want to, in order to get your sex drive back.

 

My Current GF is 60 and she is POST MP and there is nothing wrong with her sex drive. She is actually giving me a run for my money lately. That is something that almost no woman has been able to do...

 

I'm just saying, check in to all of this, deeply, do your research, and think...

[StillRambunctious]

todreaminblue, please don't be disgusted. I appreciate your feedback, and one of the many things I've learned from my marriage is to have thick skin. :-)

 

Your experiences are enlightening, as I often wonder if my wife's encouragement to get my kicks with others is just a test to see if I'll do it. I squelch that thought when it enters my head, because she typically doesn't play games like that, but it sounds like the woman in your scenario may have been playing that game and the husband failed the test. Well, actually, I think she failed.

 

Anyway, thanks again. And yes, I guess I am a bit impulsive, definitely more so than my wife. I enjoy living and enjoying life. For me, that means often taking the road less traveled and exploring new experiences.

[treehugger12]

I understand where your coming from. I too am happy at home for the most part. But we all have our needs, it’s so hard. Especially when my drive is high. I have told my husband if he is no longer interested in me, we should consider an open marriage, but he wasn’t interested. We are best friends and inseparable just lacking in that department on his side. It’s so hard at our age to meet someone that your actually physically attracted to. My fling just happened and I was quite taken back because I’d not been physically attracted to another guy in 25+ years. I would think it would be hard to look for it online and you also have to be careful for STD’s. Your in a rough situation, I understand the need. We’re getting older but geez we’re not dead yet.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

There's a word for those actions, it's called a relationship. As in the one you already have with your wife.

 

If your wife didn't think you were romantic enough, would you consider having someone come over to cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings?

 

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow. What you're describing would be the end of married life as you know it.

 

Tell her "Thanks honey, but I prefer to put all my energy into this relationship"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not pretending to know women inside and out, but I know my woman inside and out. If she gave me an offer like the one described by the OP, then after thinking about it I explained in just the right way that I would much rather put all my time and energy into her and our relationship, regardless of the lack of sex - it would be a HUGE turn on for her! It would definitely lead to an improvement in our trust, safety, love, etc, etc, etc. . .

 

An outside relationship might sound like a fantasy come true. . . I would advise anyone to approach it with an EXTREME sense of caution.

 

Myself, I couldn't do it. . . I'm in my mid forties and have had one sexual partner in my entire lifetime, I intend to keep it that way!

[treehugger12]

I'm not pretending to know women inside and out, but I know my woman inside and out. If she gave me an offer like the one described by the OP, then after thinking about it I explained in just the right way that I would much rather put all my time and energy into her and our relationship, regardless of the lack of sex - it would be a HUGE turn on for her! It would definitely lead to an improvement in our trust, safety, love, etc, etc, etc. . .

 

An outside relationship might sound like a fantasy come true. . . I would advise anyone to approach it with an EXTREME sense of caution.

 

Myself, I couldn't do it. . . I'm in my mid forties and have had one sexual partner in my entire lifetime, I intend to keep it that way!

 

Okay, but I’m confused with your post and your username???

[StillRambunctious]

Forth, stop acting like a kid in a candy store. I mean please. This all sounds great up front but think about this.

 

a) What happens when she finds a lover? How are you going to feel about that? And she wants to have as much sex with that love as she can, and any sex at home completely dries up? And she will find a lover, make no mistake.

 

b) What about the emotional closeness of your marriage, which is your primary relationship?

 

c) What if you develop feelings for another woman and actually start a relationship with her? Or what if your wife does?

 

Appreciated, but I think the fact that I'

m

coming here for feedback proves that I'

m

not "acting like a kid in a candy store." I've had multiple conversations with my wife about this. I've explored things (anonymously online) about this on my own. I have not acted on them – actually, actively stopped something from happening when it could have – because I'

m

still not right with it.

 

I get everything that you are saying, and I absolutely don't think anyone can replace the love (or sex) that my wife and I have for (with) each other. I cherish that.

 

The point is; there is a struggle that is happening within me. I originally thought that I'

m

just going to have to deal with the fact that my wife and I can't ever again have the sex life that we once had because of physiological issues. I was okay with that, even though I wasn't happy about it. For my wife and my family, I would soldier on and make it happen, as

so

-called "real men" do.

 

Then, out of the blue, my wife tells me, for my own sanity and health, and for (her belief) the good of the marriage, she understood my dilemma and offered me a way out ... no strings attached ... no guilt. Which, by the way, I thought was a very gracious and loving offer.

 

That is my struggle that I'

m

dealing with. I understand all of the baggage that comes with it, because I've been wrestling with it for months.

 

My question is, who has dealt with this? What are your experiences with it? Is this

so

-called "enlightened" or "European" sensibility helpful or is it a killer of marriages? Real life experience requests, not proverbs.

 

Sorry, I guess you can sense my frustration. It took me a long time to get to the point of discussing this with others,

so

I can understand how difficult it is to comprehend.

 

I appreciate all of the feedback.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rambunctious,, you've been given a lot of good advice. Somehow, on reading through your thread, I get the feeling that you are not cut out for taking that free pass your wife is offering you. If you had been that kind you wouldn't have waited for her to say anything, you would already have been getting some on the side, namely, cheating. I think there is a lot of substance to what Todreaminblue has had say. Your marriage is not dead till it is dead!

 

Along with ramping up your effort at rekindling the romance, I would suggest that your wife look into using HRT creams ( under supervision of her gynaec) as a vaginal application to help overcome vaginal dryness and also boost her sexual drive. I believe apart from estrogen the male hormone testosterone also plays a part in female sexuality. It may be worth exploring. I do not know if you can get a doctor's prescription or not for this but it may be possible for you to get artificial male pheromones from a pharmacist. A subtle application of this at the appropriate time may ramp up your wife's sexual desire for you and may result in the desired hot activity that you are drooling over. If you have anyone like a sex therapist who can advise you in this matter it would help. Warm wishes.

[wmacbride]

There's a word for those actions, it's called a relationship. As in the one you already have with your wife.

 

If your wife didn't think you were romantic enough, would you consider having someone come over to cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings?

 

No, Nein, Nada, Nyet, Negatory and Nohow. What you're describing would be the end of married life as you know it.

 

Tell her "Thanks honey, but I prefer to put all my energy into this relationship"...

 

Mr. Lucky

OP,

please don't view my comment as criticism of you and your wife. It's more of an observation,and I could be way off.

 

Is it possible that you and your wife are spending so much of your energy on your careers/family life that you are both becoming somewhat drained?

 

There' nothing wrong with working hard and devoting lots of energy to your family. In fact, those are both very admirable traits. The problem starts when, just like with anything else, they begin to negative impact your relationship with each other. Even if you are not at work running your respective businesses, is it possible you are both still mentally "busy" with work all the time?

 

If so, is there some way you can scale that back and take some time where you both just focus on each other? If so, would you be okay with having the same sort of sex you did with your wife as before, just maybe not as often? Say once a week instead of several times?

 

I'm sorry if this is presumptuous, but it can be so easy to get caught up in "life" sometimes that you can lose sight of one another. After all you have been through, and the love it sounds like you share, I would hate to see your marriage destroyed.

[wmacbride]

Appreciated, but I think the fact that I'm coming here for feedback proves that I'm not "acting like a kid in a candy store." I've had multiple conversations with my wife about this. I've explored things (anonymously online) about this on my own. I have not acted on them – actually, actively stopped something from happening when it could have – because I'm still not right with it.

 

I get everything that you are saying, and I absolutely don't think anyone can replace the love (or sex) that my wife and I have for (with) each other. I cherish that.

 

The point is; there is a struggle that is happening within me. I originally thought that I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that my wife and I can't ever again have the sex life that we once had because of physiological issues. I was okay with that, even though I wasn't happy about it. For my wife and my family, I would soldier on and make it happen, as so-called "real men" do.

 

Then, out of the blue, my wife tells me, for my own sanity and health, and for (her belief) the good of the marriage, she understood my dilemma and offered me a way out ... no strings attached ... no guilt. Which, by the way, I thought was a very gracious and loving offer.

 

That is my struggle that I'm dealing with. I understand all of the baggage that comes with it, because I've been wrestling with it for months.

 

My question is, who has dealt with this? What are your experiences with it? Is this so-called "enlightened" or "European" sensibility helpful or is it a killer of marriages? Real life experience requests, not proverbs.

 

Sorry, I guess you can sense my frustration. It took me a long time to get to the point of discussing this with others, so I can understand how difficult it is to comprehend.

 

I appreciate all of the feedback.

 

OP,

A while back,my husband ad I had a somewhat similar situation. There was a sexual act he really wanted to try. I did not, as I (a) found it unpleasant to even think about and (b) even if I wanted to, for physical reasons, that just isn't going to happen with me.

 

We talked about it for a while, and finally decided to hire a professional sex trade worker. She came over, they did their thing, and afterwards, she stayed for a little while and we ended up talking. She was a nice lady, and I was able to give her some advice about one of her young relatives who's autistic. She explained that she is an escort of her own free will, and does enjoy it.

 

After she left, we talked and deiced it was something we never wanted to do again. It left both of us feeling pretty bad, and it took some time to get past it, even though it was something we had both agreed on and he hadn't pushed me into agreeing with it.

 

My point is that seeking sex outside your marriage, even if you both agree to it,is not right for everyone, and sometimes, it can do more harm than good. I would suggest you try and find a way, within your own relationship, to solve the problem.

[standtall]

I'm of the thought that she doesn't want sex with you.

 

A. Her lack of desire with you,

B. Her suggestion that you have sex with other people (most likely so she can too)

C. The discussion of swinging...really? That seems contrary to her menopause issue.

 

Something is going on more than menopause...I can't put a finger on it, but if you don't, your next threads have a good chance of being in the divorce or infidelity forums.

[StillRambunctious]

Thanks everyone for the helpful feedback.