ViridianBlue Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 (edited) It started back in December right before christmas. We started long talks on facebook messenger. MM admitted to having feelings for me for years since he met me back in 2015. I honesly had no idea and was surprised and tried diverting the convo back to his wife. We had a prior creative working history together, I am ommitting some details for annonimity. We had a falling out in regards to our working together on a creative project. I had quit talking to him for a time being. Eventually, we reconciled as friends and here we are today. So back to December 2017, he admitting his feelings for me and confiding about his passionless marriage. I then confide in him about my dead bedroom relationship I have with my SO. So now things start sinking down the ravbit hole and feelings are exchanged with emotions running high(sexting). We become addicted to talking to eachother. We eventually decide to meetup for drinks and a movie. We ended up kissing, but that is the extent of the physical side. After Our meetup I felt some apprehension on his part, and he admitted to being scared about how he felt about me. We continued our talks and made plans again to meetup but he canceled. Despite him giving me a legitimate excuse, I knew something deeper was going on. Fast forward to today and he cancelled plans again but saying he couldn't do the sneaking around and that it’s weighing too much on him. He wants to remain friends. I am hurt but also agree; there’s no future in this relationship, and it hurts me to be emotionally attached to something with no hope of a future with. He seems to like keeping the relationship/fantasy compartmentalized by our means of contact through messaging. Despite him reassuring me his feelings are truly deep and real for me, I feel nothing but breads crumbs on his behalf. I am already resentful of what seems to be one sided contact. I blocked him from facebook messenger and blocked his number on my phone. I will try my best to go NC and see if I get some clarity. I just feel like some emotional surrogate/pawn for him and he wants to keep the staus quo. I feel like a damn fool and wished he never told me how He felt about me :/ Edited January 26, 2018 by ViridianBlue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 They ALL have passionless marriages. That excuse is older than dirt. Sorry you're feeling used.....but you were. He was just looking for props (as were you) and you both got a rush out of the sexual communication. Sure, he's pulling back now with claims of guilt and confusion, but beware, he'll likely be back with increased intensity after he's 'cleared' his conscience. If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair? You're right, there is no future with this man. Only pain and heartache. Try to imagine your SO's face if he read any of those racy texts. Not worth it. Block him and figure out why you needed to look outside of your current relationship. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 They ALL have passionless marriages. That excuse is older than dirt. Sorry you're feeling used.....but you were. He was just looking for props (as were you) and you both got a rush out of the sexual communication. Sure, he's pulling back now with claims of guilt and confusion, but beware, he'll likely be back with increased intensity after he's 'cleared' his conscience. If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair? You're right, there is no future with this man. Only pain and heartache. Try to imagine your SO's face if he read any of those racy texts. Not worth it. Block him and figure out why you needed to look outside of your current relationship. Perfect advice, but I would add... If you are not married to your SO, and you sound fairly young, then good grief, break up and find someone new. Would that not be a better way to proceed? As for what What_Did_I_Do said, that is spot on. He will be back, and if you keep it up, you will sleep together and it will be a full on affair. And for you, since your relationship sexually with your SO is dead, it will be worse for you. You are libel to fall deeply in love with a married man that you cannot be with long term. Bad idea... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
grass-hopper Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 Good for you for blocking him and realizing quickly what he’s doing and where he’s really going with this —> nowhere. I’m sure you’ve read stories on this forum and how it usually turns out. Never good. So dust off that pride and pat yourself on the back for taking the right step in blocking and seeing the situation for what it really is. You’re already ahead! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair? My bedroom life isnt dull it’s non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it. I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating. My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 And for you, since your relationship sexually with your SO is dead, it will be worse for you. You are libel to fall deeply in love with a married man that you cannot be with long term. Bad idea... This is what I fear. My relationship is at the end of its rope and planning my exit. The last thing I want is transferring my feelings onto the MM, and ending up deep in a hopeless situation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 My bedroom life isnt dull it’s non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it. I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating. My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me. Then this would be the perfect time to find a single man, not a married one. When he said he had feelings for you he probably meant he wants to have sex with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted January 27, 2018 Author Share Posted January 27, 2018 Then this would be the perfect time to find a single man, not a married one. When he said he had feelings for you he probably meant he wants to have sex with you. Sure, but he backed off after we kissed, the physical aspect scared him. It seemed he was more after using me for a connection/passion he felt was missing. I think he felt more comfortable with it as an EA, since he could rationalize it as not being an affair in his mind. I didnt expect or want a MM, he pushed my buttons and I comprimised my boundries. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 He did you a big favor. You have stopped sliding on the slippery slope Read 10 randomly selected OW posts. Keep score how many turned out well versus how many didn’t. If you are up to it, select 10 more and repeat the math. The relationships are always troubling and most often end badly. After all if things didn’t end badly, they would t end at all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 (edited) You absolutely did the right thing. Seriously, please, stay away from him. My 23 year marriage was also a "dead bedroom" one. On my way to being 100% sure I was ready to divorce I got involved with my MM. I was so vulnerable because of all that was lacking in my marriage and soon fell very much in love with MM, just as BluesPower predicts you will. It's taken me almost 3 years to be serious about ending the relationship with my MM, and it's more painful than you can imagine. Just don't let it go any further. You'll waste so much time and emotion and render yourself unable to get into a good relationship for the much too long period of time it will take you to get over it. That's what's ahead of you if you get weak and unblock and continue with him. Edited January 27, 2018 by Finding my way 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BigBlueSky Posted January 27, 2018 Share Posted January 27, 2018 Your story starts similarly to mine. MM admitting he had feelings, then the talks, emotional bonding, kissing, then recognizing that it's wrong and the guilt and shame overrides... We had talked about the fact that it could not go anywhere, that it's normal to be attracted to someone and that we shouldn't talk anymore. This was at the very beginning. And here I am, three and a half year later working hard to not fall back into it. Your story is no different than countless other ones here with a few minor details that are different. Great job on blocking and doing NC early on. I wish I'd saved myself the heartache. Seriously, if you decide to unblock and reach out, nothing will change. You'll just find yourself at the same place years from now. Keeping reaching out here for support and keep NC. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post. Like many others, I’ve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post. Like many others, I’ve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle. Bummer. You do realize you're only going to end up miserable from this, right? Have you ended your relationship with your SO at least? It sounds like you're so unfulfilled in your current relationship that you're latching on to the first person who comes along and pays you attention . I don't think it's going to give you what you want, though . Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 It's not clear to me if you're married or simply in a relationship, but if there's no sex and you're vulnerable to having an affair--take the steps you need to get out (especially since your partner doesn't care or isn't willing to address the sexual aspect of your union). You'll feel loads better being single than getting repeatedly rejected in your own relationship and by some married man throwing you breadcrumbs. Walk away with your dignity intact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post. Like many others, I’ve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle. And you can certainly end it as much as it resumed! You're not powerless - do something to take charge of your future! Get rid of the toxic MM who will use you and toss you aside. If you stay involved you're in for a LOT of pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 My bedroom life isnt dull it’s non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it. I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating. My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me. No sex drive? Does he masterbate? He may need testosterone treatment. Men will almost never admit to needing help in the bedroom. Heck he might be gay?! Who knows. But please don't start some clandestine bull crap childish afair to spice things up. If your SO is not willing to put the work in DUMP HIM. For his sake but more importantly for YOUR SAKE. Any guy that hears thier girl say they want more sex and thier response is "meh" doesn't deserve thier penis. Half the men on these boards wish thier SO actually wanted more sex from them. A girl asking for sex and being hot and heavy for you is like a gift from on high! It possible he's not attracted any more as well. I'm not saying your ugly. Some people just hate the "old" and chase the "new". My cousin is like that. His girlfriend was a knock out stunner but he just stopped giving a crap after a while and started chasing other girls. It was stupid and pathetic. She was an easy 8 or 9 and he was a 7 at best. Stupid fool is now alone and noone wants him because he's a total loser. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 Your first post hit the nail on the head: he is fantasizing. The problem is, you are actualizing while he fantasizes. That is, your mind is thinking for ways to make it work, going through realistic scenarios to get you both from where you are to where you can be together. In the meantime, he is practicing escapism by fantasizing about this idealized relationship with you. This is dangerous stuff for you. You are sucked into his vision and figuring out how to get there; he has no intention of exploring anything other than the fantasy. Get out now and get out of your existing relationship. You are ready to fall in love again. Make your head help your heart by setting realistic boundaries and considering only single, available men. This is a recipe for years’ worth of heartache. Read on the board here of how many women wished they had never taken that first step. Protect yourself!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 It wasn't out of no where... You fed it. It grew bigger - and you made a conscious decision to keep growing it bigger and bigger every time you communicated with him. Saying it was out of no where is ridiculous. You participated until it was physical - that's on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 It's not clear to me if you're married or simply in a relationship, but if there's no sex and you're vulnerable to having an affair--take the steps you need to get out (especially since your partner doesn't care or isn't willing to address the sexual aspect of your union). You'll feel loads better being single than getting repeatedly rejected in your own relationship and by some married man throwing you breadcrumbs. Walk away with your dignity intact. I’m not married but in a LTR of 6yrs. You’re right, it has just been hard taking the steps in the right direction. The MM has basically freaked out and broke things off for a second time. This enotional rollercoaster of back and forth the last couple of months has been painful. I’m hoping this numbs me and gives time to reflect on the ridiculousness of this affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 And you can certainly end it as much as it resumed! You're not powerless - do something to take charge of your future! Get rid of the toxic MM who will use you and toss you aside. If you stay involved you're in for a LOT of pain. Thank you for your honesty. It’s important for me to focus on the truth in the matter, despite how painful it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 Your first post hit the nail on the head: he is fantasizing. The problem is, you are actualizing while he fantasizes. That is, your mind is thinking for ways to make it work, going through realistic scenarios to get you both from where you are to where you can be together. In the meantime, he is practicing escapism by fantasizing about this idealized relationship with you. This is dangerous stuff for you. You are sucked into his vision and figuring out how to get there; he has no intention of exploring anything other than the fantasy. Get out now and get out of your existing relationship. You are ready to fall in love again. Make your head help your heart by setting realistic boundaries and considering only single, available men. This is a recipe for years’ worth of heartache. Read on the board here of how many women wished they had never taken that first step. Protect yourself!!!! This is exactely the thought process that has been going on in my head, unfortunetely. He broke things off again, which has worn me down. I need to muster the stregnth to get over him :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 So is this the norm in the MM/MW situation of breaking up and getting back together...rinse repeat? I feel like I should be better equipped to walk away from this madness. The MM I’m involved with or was involved with has cancelled mutiple times and now broke it off again. It almost feels like I’m dealing with a Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde type personality. How does one get out of this toxic cycle and away from the AP. Even with trying NC somehow things will slip back into old routines. Link to post Share on other sites
CatMinx Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Well..affairs in general are not normal relationships, so it’s pointless to compare them to really dating someone. That said, yes, I believe there is a lot more push/pull in affairs than in relationships. Think about it, you’re taking a huge risk..it’s like constantly being in danger. In danger of someone finding out, in danger of losing your marriage or him losing his, in danger of hurting any children involved, in danger of the other spouse coming after you. When someone feels threatened, we fight or flight right? Fight or flight in this situation means pick a fight or dump the AP, or ghost then. I had to get metaphorically slapped in the face more than once to walk away from my exMM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 Well..affairs in general are not normal relationships, so it’s pointless to compare them to really dating someone. That said, yes, I believe there is a lot more push/pull in affairs than in relationships. Think about it, you’re taking a huge risk..it’s like constantly being in danger. In danger of someone finding out, in danger of losing your marriage or him losing his, in danger of hurting any children involved, in danger of the other spouse coming after you. When someone feels threatened, we fight or flight right? Fight or flight in this situation means pick a fight or dump the AP, or ghost then. I had to get metaphorically slapped in the face more than once to walk away from my exMM. Totally agree, didnt mean to compare it to real relationships. It seems from a logical stand point it should be easy to walk away from such a toxic dynamic. Unfortunetely, it is not easy despite all of the red flags and obstacles. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 (edited) I feel like I should be better equipped to walk away from this madness. I guess you need to ask yourself some hard questions... "Why do I think I don't deserve a positive loving relationship with another person?" "Why do I think I need to put up with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality?" "Why do I allow myself to be treated like a doormat?" "What is wrong with me that I can't maintain "No Contact"?" "I have free will, why am I having trouble exercising it?" "Why don't I have the strength to break the "Toxic Cycle"? or Do I like this "Toxic Cycle"?" You have to hit your personal "rock bottom" in this relationship, at that point you'll draw the line in the sand and say "ENOUGH!" Edited March 8, 2018 by Happy Lemming 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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