EA with friend out of nowhere

[ViridianBlue]

I guess you need to ask yourself some hard questions...

 

"Why do I think I don't deserve a positive loving relationship with another person?"

 

"Why do I think I need to put up with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality?"

 

"Why do I allow myself to be treated like a doormat?"

 

"What is wrong with me that I can't maintain "No Contact"?"

 

"I have free will, why am I having trouble exercising it?"

 

"Why don't I have the strength to break the "Toxic Cycle"? or Do I like this "Toxic Cycle"?"

 

You have to hit your personal "rock bottom" in this relationship, at that point you'll draw the line in the sand and say "ENOUGH!"

 

I think there is also the element of chemical addiction from the infatuation. The Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopresin etc

These addicted to love horomones seem to get people to do the most irrational things, on top of that, whatever emotional voids that need soothing.

[S2B]

I think there is also the element of chemical addiction from the infatuation. The Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopresin etc

These addicted to love horomones seem to get people to do the most irrational things, on top of that, whatever emotional voids that need soothing.

 

These are just excuses. Imagine that he's at home - sleeping with his wife after hot sex.

 

Imagine that every time he contacts you.

[ViridianBlue]

These are just excuses. Imagine that he's at home - sleeping with his wife after hot sex.

 

Imagine that every time he contacts you.

These are not excuses, the reactions to these chemicals are scientifically proven. The chemicals can make an addiction and withdrawl similar to cocaine. Why do you think these relationships are difficult to stop?

 

https://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20101013/romantic-love-affects-your-brain-like-a-drug

[S2B]

These are not excuses, the reactions to these chemicals are scientifically proven. The chemicals can make an addiction and withdrawl similar to cocaine. Why do you think these relationships are difficult to stop?

 

https://www.webmd.com/pain-management/news/20101013/romantic-love-affects-your-brain-like-a-drug

 

But if you set your mind to it you can get past this.

 

Believe me I know about addiction - 10 years sober and have helped more than 150 people with their own sobriety.

 

If you want it to change - you have to stop handing him all of your power. You have to change the way you participate.

[ViridianBlue]

But if you set your mind to it you can get past this.

 

Believe me I know about addiction - 10 years sober and have helped more than 150 people with their own sobriety.

 

If you want it to change - you have to stop handing him all of your power. You have to change the way you participate.

 

I agree with you, that’s why following through with NC is important. Cutting off the source of the fix. It’s just difficult getting to that point and being diligent.

[BigBlueSky]

So is this the norm in the MM/MW situation of breaking up and getting back together...rinse repeat? I feel like I should be better equipped to walk away from this madness.

The MM I’m involved with or was involved with has cancelled mutiple times and now broke it off again. It almost feels like I’m dealing with a Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde type personality. How does one get out of this toxic cycle and away from the AP. Even with trying NC somehow things will slip back into old routines.

 

To answer your question, yes the breaking up and getting back together is quite common in these relationships. xAP and I had done it countless times and it is so painful every single time. If he has a conscience and knows that this relationship with you is wrong, you can bet it'll happen again. Save yourself the heartache. Seriously. Be strong and go NC. Figure out what you need to do to go through with it. I need to do the same. It logically shouldn't be hard, but I totally get that it is.

 

Glad you're still reaching out and posting. Rooting for you.

[ViridianBlue]

To answer your question, yes the breaking up and getting back together is quite common in these relationships. xAP and I had done it countless times and it is so painful every single time. If he has a conscience and knows that this relationship with you is wrong, you can bet it'll happen again. Save yourself the heartache. Seriously. Be strong and go NC. Figure out what you need to do to go through with it. I need to do the same. It logically shouldn't be hard, but I totally get that it is.

 

Glad you're still reaching out and posting. Rooting for you.

 

Thank you! The back and forth is exhausting and I’m already resentful and angry. It just magnifies how dysfuctional the situation is. No matter what nice things are said, it is all negated by the actions.

[ViridianBlue]

I am struggling with my feelings today. I felt so angry, but now just hurting. Obviously, this situation is wrong on many levels but I still miss him and feel foolish. Measly breadcrumbs is all I got and now It feels like being starved of oxygen:(

[BigBlueSky]

I am struggling with my feelings today. I felt so angry, but now just hurting. Obviously, this situation is wrong on many levels but I still miss him and feel foolish. Measly breadcrumbs is all I got and now It feels like being starved of oxygen:(

 

 

I'm sorry you're struggling today. Are you still in contact with him? Knowing what you can anticipate about the situation, what is it that you want for yourself? Who do you want to be?

[BuddyX]

Why don’t you get some IC. There are some deep rooted issues here. You’re having an EA while in a sexless LTR (not marriage). Maybe it’s time to take a breather, alone, and reassess.

[OneParadox]

I must ask: what is keeping you in this sexless LTR? Why haven't you left that?

 

To me the affair is just noise. A distraction to your real problem: the dysfunctional relationship you are in. Once you get that solved, the affair -and all its absurd ups and downs- will evaporate into thin air.

[Keats]

1. He starts, because he has terrible boundaries and basic habits, that made him able to connect himself to you. Seems like just some innocent, commom, cultural, small acts of human behaviour? But no it isn't at all. It's a big giant red flag, a knife shining in the dark about to be buried in someone's back.

 

That's why as a human being you simply can't afford to sleep walk through your life without thinking or being responsible.

 

2. He stops, because he knows, what he's doing is openly and clearly wrong. No human being can avoid the obviousness of that.

 

Every human being has thought about the wrong they did.

 

But your MM isn't going to overcome practicing wrong.

 

Because refer back to no.1 he already has terrible habits and terrible boundaries.

 

When he's weak again, he will revert back to his - bad habit = YOU

 

Your his bad habit. He has you, as his habit, that he wants to indulge in yet kick at the same time.

 

His new years resolution every year is going to be - to finally get rid of you.

 

Bad habits feel very good.

 

Ever slept in like forever? Ever over ate for ages? Ever played that game or watched that TV programme for ages and ages? Feels waaaaaaay good Makes your life a dung pile though.

 

Your both making dung cakes of your lives. Your both aware of it. But your both unable to break habits, and your both unable to deal with boundaries as a general rule in your lives.

 

He has no emotional connection to anyone in his personal life. Not his wife. Then who else is it gonna be. Absolutely no one. He's an empty loner. You provide the perfect heartache he seeks. The pain as well as the love is all a thrill. Fight makeup. Fight makeup. Pleasure trips. Your lives are now even better than the bitter sweet twisted novels and movies. (Society is addicted to those).

 

Anyway, it's hard enough changing his personal habits, changing his entire life by leaving his wife is an act he isn't even capable of.

 

What is easy though is having an affair.

 

The emotional pain of it - is more tolerable and bearable than changing a habit, or changing a life. At least with the emotional pain, you get the highs and joys of affair love, when's it's on. A desperate need is met in the short term, with absolutely devastating long term affects. But your both stuck in animal primal mode. Your both animals, thinking only of nows satisfaction. And have lost your human aspect on this issue, where awareness of right and wrong has been lost.

 

Your the same as him too.

 

Haven't left your SO. Harping on that you will. The way he wishes he could.

 

Your both the exact same people, with the same bad habits and bad boundaries.

 

If you want to know and understand him, take a look in the mirror.

 

The only difference between him and you is that, your the submissive one.

 

Your both stringing each other along. To avoid the work you both have to do in life.

 

Your both avoidance people.

 

Yet still somehow to me between the both of you, he seems the better one. At least he pulls away from you and pulls away from the want to need you. While your sitting there waiting and wanting to need him. You didn't, it seems from your posts, have that much of a conscious yet to feel bad about cheating and thus pulling away. No compared to him, your act of pulling away, was because you don't want to remaim in a situation, that by its very nature is wrong, to hurt you anymore.

 

On a side note, it's interesting how society today doesn't value marriage much and being together long term without a marriage certificate is sometimes seen as the same. Yet when it comes to having affairs, marital affair is evil, yet affairs within non married SO is less evil. As displayed by lax expressions by yourself and other posts on this thread regards the comparison.

 

He may have said hi, but you said hi back. He may have a wife, but you have someone too. He maybe wanting to leave but your wanting to leave yours too. Your both twins with different plots. But you dance and act the same. Not sure why he gets more flack than you. Not sure at all. Not sure why your emotional pain gets any sympathy at all compared to his.

[ViridianBlue]

{snip}

He may have said hi, but you said hi back. He may have a wife, but you have someone too. He maybe wanting to leave but your wanting to leave yours too. Your both twins with different plots. But you dance and act the same. Not sure why he gets more flack than you. Not sure at all. Not sure why your emotional pain gets any sympathy at all compared to his.

 

You know I’m not deniying being a participant in this situation, nor do I think my behavior is right. You’re right about the boundries, yes I have problems with keeping normal boundries. That is painfully obvious in this situation with the MM.

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 6yrs. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in the beginning of our relationship. I went to his doctors appt, chemo, and was by his side throughout the entire ordeal. Along side taking care care of my grandparents.

After the cancer ordeal my boyfriends hips went out and he had both replaced. As you can see with the failing health any sex/intimacy went out the window. At the time I understood this and empathized, putting my needs on hold. He eventually lost his apartment and came to live with me. Years have passed, the cancer is in remission, hips healed, but the relationship has not progressed.

I feel like I have given myself completely, but am left with nothing. I have been rejected countless times by my boyfriend, but buried my feelings out of guilt. Feeling like it is selfish of me to want more out of this. I’m essentually supporting him and have little help with utilities and such; again an example of poor boundries on my part.

I have talked with him and warned him I will stray if I dont get my needs met, that it is essentual for us to be connected on an intimate level. No change or progress has happened on his end. I had a talk with him a few weeks back about my unhappiness and not seeing any changes or solutions at this point. I am

Also struggling with feeling responsible for him, since he has nowhere to go when I ask him to move out.

Edited March 13, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[ViridianBlue]

I must ask: what is keeping you in this sexless LTR? Why haven't you left that?

 

To me the affair is just noise. A distraction to your real problem: the dysfunctional relationship you are in. Once you get that solved, the affair -and all its absurd ups and downs- will evaporate into thin air.

 

I just replied with some more info regarding my LTR. At this point it is a mental block that needs addressing. I agree though, most likely this is just a distration from the real issues going on with me.

[CatMinx]

He’s a grown man darling. You are in no way, shape or form responsible for him. And while I absolutely understand your guilt and your sense of responsibility towards a man who is not even making an effort to uphold any part of his relationship with you..it still does not entitle you to someone else’s husband. But that seems to be a lesson you’ve already learned, so I won’t beat you up for it. Honestly you’d be better off without either of them.

 

I hope tomorrow is a better day love.

[FMW]

ViridianBlue, read other posts in this forum as well as the Infidelity forum. Doing that has been very helpful for me. Although affairs have striking similarities in general, there are differences and hopefully you will connect to some of the posters whose stories resonate with you.

 

Remember each of our posts are from our own points of view and from our particular experiences, but you should see patterns and recognize what fits with your own situation.

 

As far as your relationship with your boyfriend, you do not owe him the sacrifice of your own happiness. As CatMinx noted, he's a grown man and responsible for himself.

 

I wish you clarity and peace of mind.

[Timshel]

I am struggling with my feelings today. I felt so angry, but now just hurting. Obviously, this situation is wrong on many levels but I still miss him and feel foolish. Measly breadcrumbs is all I got and now It feels like being starved of oxygen:(

 

You know who else is 'struggling with their feelings,' his wife.

If he wanted you for real and is a stand up guy...he would have left his wife.

 

This moron would make a clean cut and leave no person hanging. You are hanging Viri.

 

Real love is rare...most important, people who truly love each other do not cause pain.

 

I am not an OW or a BS. I am a person looking in and feeling sorry that you actually are struggling with this.

That a married man is something that a person would think is a love situation waiting to happen?

He is married. That means there is a woman who sleeps with him every night, washes his underwear, shares every intimate part of his life...from family to finance.

 

If you want to know if he loves you, tell him to file for divorce, move out of his home and have no contact with you until it's all done.

 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

He wants to hit that and go home to his wife/family.

What part of this is difficult to understand?

[Keats]

Fix your problem.

 

Stop making more problems.

 

You know I’m not deniying being a participant in this situation, nor do I think my behavior is right. You’re right about the boundries, yes I have problems with keeping normal boundries. That is painfully obvious in this situation with the MM.

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 6yrs. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in the beginning of our relationship. I went to his doctors appt, chemo, and was by his side throughout the entire ordeal. Along side taking care care of my grandparents.

After the cancer ordeal my boyfriends hips went out and he had both replaced. As you can see with the failing health any sex/intimacy went out the window. At the time I understood this and empathized, putting my needs on hold. He eventually lost his apartment and came to live with me. Years have passed, the cancer is in remission, hips healed, but the relationship has not progressed.

I feel like I have given myself completely, but am left with nothing. I have been rejected countless times by my boyfriend, but buried my feelings out of guilt. Feeling like it is selfish of me to want more out of this. I’m essentually supporting him and have little help with utilities and such; again an example of poor boundries on my part.

I have talked with him and warned him I will stray if I dont get my needs met, that it is essentual for us to be connected on an intimate level. No change or progress has happened on his end. I had a talk with him a few weeks back about my unhappiness and not seeing any changes or solutions at this point. I am

Also struggling with feeling responsible for him, since he has nowhere to go when I ask him to move out.

[S2B]

Are you seeing a counselor about your lack of boundaries?

[ViridianBlue]

You know who else is 'struggling with their feelings,' his wife.

If he wanted you for real and is a stand up guy...he would have left his wife.

 

This moron would make a clean cut and leave no person hanging. You are hanging Viri.

 

Real love is rare...most important, people who truly love each other do not cause pain.

 

I am not an OW or a BS. I am a person looking in and feeling sorry that you actually are struggling with this.

That a married man is something that a person would think is a love situation waiting to happen?

He is married. That means there is a woman who sleeps with him every night, washes his underwear, shares every intimate part of his life...from family to finance.

 

If you want to know if he loves you, tell him to file for divorce, move out of his home and have no contact with you until it's all done.

 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

 

He wants to hit that and go home to his wife/family.

What part of this is difficult to understand?

 

 

I see this forum is back up and running again.

*Update*

I have ended my 6yr relationship with my boyfriend and came clean about the cheating with the MM. Surprisingly, it went smoothly and we will be remaining friends. He wasnt happy in the relationship either so despite the infidelity things are amicable. At least that door is closing and It felt good to come clean and be honest about what was going on.

 

As for the MM we have still been seeing eachother, he went to an atorney to scope out the full logostics of his situation. So that brings me to now, his anniversary was this week and supposedly she found out. He didnt give me any info/details, just that things are heavy and to lay low fir a couple of days. This is now the longest we’ve gone without any correspondence. So I’m not sure if he’s lying about her knowing, so he can try to clear his conscious for their anniversary or what. We’re still facebook friends and I would assume if she really knew, she would've insisted him to block me.

At this point I have no idea what's going on, but I’m at the point where the OW non sense is crap. If he’s unhappy he needs to leave/separate.

 

It’s clear he’s acting like every other cliche MM and I’m follwing right beside in the role of OW.

Edited June 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[DKT3]

So you and your boyfriend broke up and boom his wife finds out? Do you really believe that?

 

It's more likely you being free makes him nervous and he is now reevaluating the situation, why? Because now, you are a real threat to his marriage and more of a wildcard.

[BluesPower]

So you and your boyfriend broke up and boom his wife finds out? Do you really believe that?

 

It's more likely you being free makes him nervous and he is now reevaluating the situation, why? Because now, you are a real threat to his marriage and more of a wildcard.

 

Yep, this right here.

 

You being free is making him nervous, he is worried that you will tell his wife and blow up his little cake eating endeavor.

 

Tell him that you need to see at least filed divorce papers or you will not see him again...

[ViridianBlue]

So you and your boyfriend broke up and boom his wife finds out? Do you really believe that?

 

It's more likely you being free makes him nervous and he is now reevaluating the situation, why? Because now, you are a real threat to his marriage and more of a wildcard.

 

I broke up with my xbf a couple weeks ago; so this has been common knowledge for awhile. I wasn't clear with my timeline in my last post. The anniversary was this week and all of a sudden she finds out. Seems odd to me, but possible. I haven't from MM in days and his last message was to just lay low for a couple of days.

[ViridianBlue]

Yep, this right here.

 

You being free is making him nervous, he is worried that you will tell his wife and blow up his little cake eating endeavor.

 

Tell him that you need to see at least filed divorce papers or you will not see him again...

 

I would never go to his wife and blow the situation up, I’d just walk away.

Here’s a bit more info about the situation, so it makes more sense.

 

MM decided to see an attorney on his own volition after me ending my situation. I saw the paperwork from his consultation but nothing has been filed or started.. so whatever.

 

MM and I have been hanging out a lot before this incident, even around his friends and co workers. He’s not able to keep his hands off me despite me trying to be more discrete. He’s been very overt in his affections publicly so it’s possible someone told her or what.

The way he was acting was almost like he wanted to get caught on some level.

 

I agree about seperation/divorce papers, I really dont want to continue this if he’s not ending it. I cant tell him what to do but I can remove myself from the equation. I’m over this cat and mouse game.

Edited May 27, 2018 by ViridianBlue

[ViridianBlue]

Update: Radio silence since wednesday evening. Not sure what has happened since then, but he will usually respond/reply. So now he’s ignoring me it seems. How can someone go from talking about wanting to to live together one day to nothing the next..

I’m paying attention to how his actions do not align with his words.