fredflint Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Did you end up cutting it off with her and going NC? My situation right now is she is trying again with him. I'm sure she doesn't love him, but she has an attachment to her family life and doesn't want to hurt him. She contacted me again recently declaring her love for me. I simply told her to work on her marriage. I had made a conscious choice this time to not get emotionally drawn in. And I stuck to that. My response was short and cold. A few days later she contacted me saying how much she loved me again, and she was sorry and that she'd stop contacting me. I haven't blocked her, I don't really want to. I guess I want her to tell me someday she's filing for divorce. But I don't want to encourage that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 My situation right now is she is trying again with him. I'm sure she doesn't love him, but she has an attachment to her family life and doesn't want to hurt him. She contacted me again recently declaring her love for me. I simply told her to work on her marriage. I had made a conscious choice this time to not get emotionally drawn in. And I stuck to that. My response was short and cold. A few days later she contacted me saying how much she loved me again, and she was sorry and that she'd stop contacting me. I haven't blocked her, I don't really want to. I guess I want her to tell me someday she's filing for divorce. But I don't want to encourage that. I get it my MM doesnt have kids but is attached to his comforts and fears losing a particular lifestyle from divorce. If she’s wanting to work on her marriage there’s nothing you can really do but bow out. That’s a very decisive action on her part, to work on her marriage. She keeping you in the loop might be her backup plan if the marriage fails. It seems a lot of the problems with these dynamics is fear and avoidance. It just doesnt work to go on cheating on the BS and side lining the OM/OW. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I get it my MM doesnt have kids but is attached to his comforts and fears losing a particular lifestyle from divorce. If she’s wanting to work on her marriage there’s nothing you can really do but bow out. That’s a very decisive action on her part, to work on her marriage. She keeping you in the loop might be her backup plan if the marriage fails. It seems a lot of the problems with these dynamics is fear and avoidance. It just doesnt work to go on cheating on the BS and side lining the OM/OW. That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie. She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation" Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie. She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation" Yea it is, there’s the financial implications for him, but no kids so it woukdnt be nearly as bad. It’s just excuses at the end of the day, and these types do not want to make decisions. They have us around as an ego boost option. No she cant please everyone but she can certainly make a decision and stick with it. Working on her marriage and keeping ties to you is not working on her marriage.. It’s cake eating and it sucks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie. She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation" Well it finally happened, he gave me the “wants to work on marriage” talk. Since the BW wants to change and work on tbings. He talked with his family and they encouraged him to work on it. After him talking about living together/future and looking into separating with an attorney/paralegal. So here I’m back in the cliche just like all the others.. broken hearted like a damn fool.. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 Well it finally happened, he gave me the “wants to work on marriage” talk. Since the BW wants to change and work on tbings. He talked with his family and they encouraged him to work on it. After him talking about living together/future and looking into separating with an attorney/paralegal. So here I’m back in the cliche just like all the others.. broken hearted like a damn fool.. Sounds similar to my situation except she did actually separate one time in my case. I think all you can do is don't pursue, and maybe start dating again so you're not hanging on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 It seems that if they don't divorce right away - they don't intend to. They like having a wife and a girlfriend. Why would a man with that lack of character appeal to you? Valid point, that’s why I post here to keep myself in check or at least try to.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 11, 2018 Author Share Posted June 11, 2018 Sounds similar to my situation except she did actually separate one time in my case. I think all you can do is don't pursue, and maybe start dating again so you're not hanging on. Right, I remember your earlier reply mentioning that. It seems like even if they seperate until the divorce is finalized, it’s all in limbo. Yea, absolutely nothing I can do but seperate myself, mourn, and move on. As you know that’s easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 11, 2018 Share Posted June 11, 2018 As you know from reading so many posts, it's almost guaranteed he will reach back out to you at some point. So be prepared for that so you're not caught off guard. Three years in I'm still involved with my MM, we've stopped a few times for only weeks at a time for him to "work on" his marriage. I think it's clear they are never going to be happy together but it's also clear they are probably never going to divorce. And he's probably never going to permanently end it with me either, as long as I continue to be available to him at least some of the times he wants to see me (I'm not as available to him as I used to be, sometimes now I really do choose something or someone else other than him). The addiction is a very real thing and defies logical reasoning. NC isn't something I'm willing to do, it was much more painful for me than keeping him in my life in a reduced capacity. Sorry, no helpful advice, just letting you know you're not alone! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 12, 2018 Author Share Posted June 12, 2018 As you know from reading so many posts, it's almost guaranteed he will reach back out to you at some point. So be prepared for that so you're not caught off guard. Three years in I'm still involved with my MM, we've stopped a few times for only weeks at a time for him to "work on" his marriage. I think it's clear they are never going to be happy together but it's also clear they are probably never going to divorce. And he's probably never going to permanently end it with me either, as long as I continue to be available to him at least some of the times he wants to see me (I'm not as available to him as I used to be, sometimes now I really do choose something or someone else other than him). The addiction is a very real thing and defies logical reasoning. NC isn't something I'm willing to do, it was much more painful for me than keeping him in my life in a reduced capacity. Sorry, no helpful advice, just letting you know you're not alone! I’m sorry you're suffering and for such a long time, mine is at the 6 month mark this month. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I hope you eventually find some peace in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 What does EA stand for? And MM - is that married man? Just curious, finding it hard to follow along. Thanks~ Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 12, 2018 Share Posted June 12, 2018 What does EA stand for? And MM - is that married man? Just curious, finding it hard to follow along. Thanks~ LoveShack Terminology - The guide to acronyms and forum shorthand On the topic, yeah, happens. MW's have jumped me out of nowhere. Thought we had a laid back deal. Sometimes drink or MJ is truth serum, sometimes it's dead sober. It seems men and women are pretty equal opportunity on that stuff, with women usually IME being fine with emotional intimacy and otherwise innocuous physical affection. They'll spin it as 'it means nothing', that's their narrative and boy can they sell it. Amazingly good. Props. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 13, 2018 Share Posted June 13, 2018 I’m sorry you're suffering and for such a long time, mine is at the 6 month mark this month. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I hope you eventually find some peace in your situation. I'm a big girl and put myself (and keep myself) in this situation! But thanks for your kind words Just wanted to comment to let you know the addiction part is tough and only gets stronger the longer you're in it, so I hope you are able to end your A at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 I'm a big girl and put myself (and keep myself) in this situation! But thanks for your kind words Just wanted to comment to let you know the addiction part is tough and only gets stronger the longer you're in it, so I hope you are able to end your A at this point. Thanks, trying to be strong.. MM seems to want to “work on the marriage” and is ghosting now so seems he’s gone. I have to pick myself up and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Thanks, trying to be strong.. MM seems to want to “work on the marriage” and is ghosting now so seems he’s gone. I have to pick myself up and move on. It's horrible to feel just tossed aside. I find it hard to automatically put it down to malice though, although some posters here would. I think MM (or MW in my case) may just be very conflicted, and find it nearly impossible to do it the "right" way. (End one relationship before starting another). In your situation I've been successful by just writing them off and starting dating again. What else can you do anyway. Then when they come back a few days/weeks/months later just don't give them a free pass for their hurtful action. They have to realize that they nearly lost you and their actions have consequences. I mean their actions are abusive really, even if it's not intentional, and even if it comes from a place of pain or conflict on their side. They need to own that and stop doing it and we need to not let them continue to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 It's horrible to feel just tossed aside. I find it hard to automatically put it down to malice though, although some posters here would. I think MM (or MW in my case) may just be very conflicted, and find it nearly impossible to do it the "right" way. (End one relationship before starting another). In your situation I've been successful by just writing them off and starting dating again. What else can you do anyway. Then when they come back a few days/weeks/months later just don't give them a free pass for their hurtful action. They have to realize that they nearly lost you and their actions have consequences. I mean their actions are abusive really, even if it's not intentional, and even if it comes from a place of pain or conflict on their side. They need to own that and stop doing it and we need to not let them continue to do it. Agreed, I’m not really in a place emotionally to date. I’m completely broken from ending my 6yr relationship from the affair and exMM bailing in typical MM fashion. So it’s definitely over between me and exMM, he messaged me today saying he’s decided to work on his marriage and we cannot be in contact any longer and said sorry, lol. So I blocked his number and erased him off my phone and blocked him from contacting me on social media. So it’s the start of an official NC, he has no way to reach me, unless he tries a mutual friend. Otherwise, all is dead in the water on this one.. Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 Agreed, I’m not really in a place emotionally to date. I’m completely broken from ending my 6yr relationship from the affair and exMM bailing in typical MM fashion. So it’s definitely over between me and exMM, he messaged me today saying he’s decided to work on his marriage and we cannot be in contact any longer and said sorry, lol. So I blocked his number and erased him off my phone and blocked him from contacting me on social media. So it’s the start of an official NC, he has no way to reach me, unless he tries a mutual friend. Otherwise, all is dead in the water on this one.. I'm sorry. It will take time, but you will eventually feel good again. Just take one day at a time and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 I'm sorry. It will take time, but you will eventually feel good again. Just take one day at a time and take care of yourself. Thank you! Hope this same for you too. We deseve better than being these people's backup plans etc.. They seem to always try to sneak back in once things get boring at home or whatever.. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 15, 2018 Share Posted June 15, 2018 I know is seems impossible, but try to focus on all the reasons this is a good thing. During periods of NC (however brief) I was able to recognize that I felt a sense of relief and freedom (along with the pain and heartache) because I knew I was so much better off without him. Healing will be easier and faster without the constant wounding that an ongoing affair inflicts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViridianBlue Posted June 15, 2018 Author Share Posted June 15, 2018 I know is seems impossible, but try to focus on all the reasons this is a good thing. During periods of NC (however brief) I was able to recognize that I felt a sense of relief and freedom (along with the pain and heartache) because I knew I was so much better off without him. Healing will be easier and faster without the constant wounding that an ongoing affair inflicts. There’s already a sense of relief mixed with the heartbreak. I at least know where I stand in the situation. There is no more ups and downs and whats ifs. The worst has happened and that was the fate of the situation. We were friends and creative colleagues before this, so our being friends ever again is ruined. I find that aspect sad, but this wasnt the first time he hurt me. As friends I had to cut him off once, so maybe he’s just a toxic person and this is all for the best in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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