EA with friend out of nowhere

[fredflint]

My bedroom life isnt dull it’s non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it.

I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating.

My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me.

 

But have you told him that your needs not being met is endangering your relationship?

[fredflint]

He did you a big favor. You have stopped sliding on the slippery slope

 

Read 10 randomly selected OW posts. Keep score how many turned out well versus how many didn’t. If you are up to it, select 10 more and repeat the math.

 

The relationships are always troubling and most often end badly. After all if things didn’t end badly, they would t end at all.

 

I'm not disagreeing with you re: the sense of her continuing with him, but it's likely that people who are having problems are more likely to post here anyway... why would an OW/OM story that ended happily have any need to post here?

[fredflint]

Update: Radio silence since wednesday evening. Not sure what has happened since then, but he will usually respond/reply. So now he’s ignoring me it seems. How can someone go from talking about wanting to to live together one day to nothing the next..

I’m paying attention to how his actions do not align with his words.

 

This was my situation too. On/off actions not matching words. I was involved with a separated woman and she was doing the exact same thing to me.

[ViridianBlue]

But have you told him that your needs not being met is endangering your relationship?

 

Yes I did for years and nothing changed. I tried communicationg my needs and he didnt try deslite me trying. He’s in the process of moving out and the relationship with my SO is over.

[ViridianBlue]

This was my situation too. On/off actions not matching words. I was involved with a separated woman and she was doing the exact same thing to me.

 

Did you end up cutting it off with her and going NC?

[fredflint]

Did you end up cutting it off with her and going NC?

 

My situation right now is she is trying again with him. I'm sure she doesn't love him, but she has an attachment to her family life and doesn't want to hurt him. She contacted me again recently declaring her love for me. I simply told her to work on her marriage. I had made a conscious choice this time to not get emotionally drawn in. And I stuck to that. My response was short and cold. A few days later she contacted me saying how much she loved me again, and she was sorry and that she'd stop contacting me. I haven't blocked her, I don't really want to. I guess I want her to tell me someday she's filing for divorce. But I don't want to encourage that.

[ViridianBlue]

My situation right now is she is trying again with him. I'm sure she doesn't love him, but she has an attachment to her family life and doesn't want to hurt him. She contacted me again recently declaring her love for me. I simply told her to work on her marriage. I had made a conscious choice this time to not get emotionally drawn in. And I stuck to that. My response was short and cold. A few days later she contacted me saying how much she loved me again, and she was sorry and that she'd stop contacting me. I haven't blocked her, I don't really want to. I guess I want her to tell me someday she's filing for divorce. But I don't want to encourage that.

 

I get it my MM doesnt have kids but is attached to his comforts and fears losing a particular lifestyle from divorce.

If she’s wanting to work on her marriage there’s nothing you can really do but bow out. That’s a very decisive action on her part, to work on her marriage. She keeping you in the loop might be her backup plan if the marriage fails.

It seems a lot of the problems with these dynamics is fear and avoidance. It just doesnt work to go on cheating on the BS and side lining the OM/OW.

[fredflint]

I get it my MM doesnt have kids but is attached to his comforts and fears losing a particular lifestyle from divorce.

If she’s wanting to work on her marriage there’s nothing you can really do but bow out. That’s a very decisive action on her part, to work on her marriage. She keeping you in the loop might be her backup plan if the marriage fails.

It seems a lot of the problems with these dynamics is fear and avoidance. It just doesnt work to go on cheating on the BS and side lining the OM/OW.

 

That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie.

 

She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation"

[ViridianBlue]

That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie.

 

She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation"

 

Yea it is, there’s the financial implications for him, but no kids so it woukdnt be nearly as bad. It’s just excuses at the end of the day, and these types do not want to make decisions. They have us around as an ego boost option.

 

No she cant please everyone but she can certainly make a decision and stick with it. Working on her marriage and keeping ties to you is not working on her marriage.. It’s cake eating and it sucks

[ViridianBlue]

That must be even harder for you than me then, because at least I can justify her staying with him for the kids. But in your case MM doesn't have that tie.

 

She wants to work on her marriage (she decided recently), but her recent contact indicates it is likely as you say, she wants me as a fall back or she wants me as an AP, possibly both. So I think you're right. She's told me she "can't please everyone in this situation"

 

Well it finally happened, he gave me the “wants to work on marriage” talk. Since the BW wants to change and work on tbings. He talked with his family and they encouraged him to work on it. After him talking about living together/future and looking into separating with an attorney/paralegal.

So here I’m back in the cliche just like all the others.. broken hearted like a damn fool..

[fredflint]

Well it finally happened, he gave me the “wants to work on marriage” talk. Since the BW wants to change and work on tbings. He talked with his family and they encouraged him to work on it. After him talking about living together/future and looking into separating with an attorney/paralegal.

So here I’m back in the cliche just like all the others.. broken hearted like a damn fool..

 

Sounds similar to my situation except she did actually separate one time in my case. I think all you can do is don't pursue, and maybe start dating again so you're not hanging on.

[S2B]

It seems that if they don't divorce right away - they don't intend to.

 

They like having a wife and a girlfriend.

 

 

Why would a man with that lack of character appeal to you?

[ViridianBlue]

It seems that if they don't divorce right away - they don't intend to.

 

They like having a wife and a girlfriend.

 

 

Why would a man with that lack of character appeal to you?

 

Valid point, that’s why I post here to keep myself in check or at least try to..

[ViridianBlue]

Sounds similar to my situation except she did actually separate one time in my case. I think all you can do is don't pursue, and maybe start dating again so you're not hanging on.

Right, I remember your earlier reply mentioning that. It seems like even if they seperate until the divorce is finalized, it’s all in limbo.

Yea, absolutely nothing I can do but seperate myself, mourn, and move on. As you know that’s easier said than done.

[FMW]

As you know from reading so many posts, it's almost guaranteed he will reach back out to you at some point. So be prepared for that so you're not caught off guard.

 

Three years in I'm still involved with my MM, we've stopped a few times for only weeks at a time for him to "work on" his marriage. I think it's clear they are never going to be happy together but it's also clear they are probably never going to divorce. And he's probably never going to permanently end it with me either, as long as I continue to be available to him at least some of the times he wants to see me (I'm not as available to him as I used to be, sometimes now I really do choose something or someone else other than him).

 

The addiction is a very real thing and defies logical reasoning. NC isn't something I'm willing to do, it was much more painful for me than keeping him in my life in a reduced capacity.

 

Sorry, no helpful advice, just letting you know you're not alone!

[ViridianBlue]

As you know from reading so many posts, it's almost guaranteed he will reach back out to you at some point. So be prepared for that so you're not caught off guard.

 

Three years in I'm still involved with my MM, we've stopped a few times for only weeks at a time for him to "work on" his marriage. I think it's clear they are never going to be happy together but it's also clear they are probably never going to divorce. And he's probably never going to permanently end it with me either, as long as I continue to be available to him at least some of the times he wants to see me (I'm not as available to him as I used to be, sometimes now I really do choose something or someone else other than him).

 

The addiction is a very real thing and defies logical reasoning. NC isn't something I'm willing to do, it was much more painful for me than keeping him in my life in a reduced capacity.

 

Sorry, no helpful advice, just letting you know you're not alone!

 

I’m sorry you're suffering and for such a long time, mine is at the 6 month mark this month. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I hope you eventually find some peace in your situation.

[S2B]

Can you cut him off? Cut all ways he could contact you in the future?

[Malin889]

What does EA stand for? And MM - is that married man? Just curious, finding it hard to follow along. Thanks~

[carhill]

What does EA stand for? And MM - is that married man? Just curious, finding it hard to follow along. Thanks~

 

LoveShack Terminology - The guide to acronyms and forum shorthand

 

On the topic, yeah, happens. MW's have jumped me out of nowhere. Thought we had a laid back deal. Sometimes drink or MJ is truth serum, sometimes it's dead sober. It seems men and women are pretty equal opportunity on that stuff, with women usually IME being fine with emotional intimacy and otherwise innocuous physical affection. They'll spin it as 'it means nothing', that's their narrative and boy can they sell it. Amazingly good. Props.

[FMW]

I’m sorry you're suffering and for such a long time, mine is at the 6 month mark this month. I appreciate you sharing your experience, and I hope you eventually find some peace in your situation.

 

I'm a big girl and put myself (and keep myself) in this situation! But thanks for your kind words Just wanted to comment to let you know the addiction part is tough and only gets stronger the longer you're in it, so I hope you are able to end your A at this point.

[ViridianBlue]

I'm a big girl and put myself (and keep myself) in this situation! But thanks for your kind words Just wanted to comment to let you know the addiction part is tough and only gets stronger the longer you're in it, so I hope you are able to end your A at this point.

 

Thanks, trying to be strong.. MM seems to want to “work on the marriage” and is ghosting now so seems he’s gone. I have to pick myself up and move on.

[fredflint]

Thanks, trying to be strong.. MM seems to want to “work on the marriage” and is ghosting now so seems he’s gone. I have to pick myself up and move on.

 

It's horrible to feel just tossed aside. I find it hard to automatically put it down to malice though, although some posters here would. I think MM (or MW in my case) may just be very conflicted, and find it nearly impossible to do it the "right" way. (End one relationship before starting another). In your situation I've been successful by just writing them off and starting dating again. What else can you do anyway. Then when they come back a few days/weeks/months later just don't give them a free pass for their hurtful action. They have to realize that they nearly lost you and their actions have consequences. I mean their actions are abusive really, even if it's not intentional, and even if it comes from a place of pain or conflict on their side. They need to own that and stop doing it and we need to not let them continue to do it.

[ViridianBlue]

It's horrible to feel just tossed aside. I find it hard to automatically put it down to malice though, although some posters here would. I think MM (or MW in my case) may just be very conflicted, and find it nearly impossible to do it the "right" way. (End one relationship before starting another). In your situation I've been successful by just writing them off and starting dating again. What else can you do anyway. Then when they come back a few days/weeks/months later just don't give them a free pass for their hurtful action. They have to realize that they nearly lost you and their actions have consequences. I mean their actions are abusive really, even if it's not intentional, and even if it comes from a place of pain or conflict on their side. They need to own that and stop doing it and we need to not let them continue to do it.

 

Agreed, I’m not really in a place emotionally to date. I’m completely broken from ending my 6yr relationship from the affair and exMM bailing in typical

MM fashion.

So it’s definitely over between me and exMM, he messaged me today saying he’s decided to work on his marriage and we cannot be in contact any longer and said sorry, lol.

So I blocked his number and erased him off my phone and blocked him from

contacting me on social media. So it’s the start of an official NC, he has no way to reach me, unless he tries a mutual friend. Otherwise, all is dead in the water on this one..

[fredflint]

Agreed, I’m not really in a place emotionally to date. I’m completely broken from ending my 6yr relationship from the affair and exMM bailing in typical

MM fashion.

So it’s definitely over between me and exMM, he messaged me today saying he’s decided to work on his marriage and we cannot be in contact any longer and said sorry, lol.

So I blocked his number and erased him off my phone and blocked him from

contacting me on social media. So it’s the start of an official NC, he has no way to reach me, unless he tries a mutual friend. Otherwise, all is dead in the water on this one..

 

I'm sorry. It will take time, but you will eventually feel good again. Just take one day at a time and take care of yourself.

[ViridianBlue]

I'm sorry. It will take time, but you will eventually feel good again. Just take one day at a time and take care of yourself.

 

Thank you! Hope this same for you too. We deseve better than being these people's backup plans etc.. They seem to always try to sneak back in once things get boring at home or whatever..