Am i overthinking things?

[garysmith]

I am going through something and I would like your comments on it. Some background.

 

I dated a girl for 2 years. She broke it off with me about a year ago. I've had trouble letting go. I am still not completely over it and our interactions after the break up have not been the greatest. We have never made a scene or anything but there have been cases when we have been in the same room and we don't even acknowledge our each other. My ex has a best friend, let's name him JACK.

 

My current girlfriend also knows JACK. They are not as close as my ex and JACK but they are close as well. JACK is an older guy who is nice to talk to. I have known him for years as well and he is a nice guy. But him and I were never close he was always closer to my ex.

 

So here is the situation. Jack is having a birthday party. My ex and my current were invited. I specifically wasn't though.

 

From what my current tells me, my ex specifically told JACK not to invite me because she is going to be bringing this new guy she is dating and doesn't want things to be awkward which I understand.

 

Most people that are invited to this party will be from my work place as JACK and I work together. So I know most people, and everyone is invited but me.

 

I am very big on layalty. I feel like my current gf shouldn't go to this party simply because I am not welcomed. I think If anyone invited me somewhere that she couldn't go, I wouldn't go. Regardless of the situation.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[road]

I would expect my GF to show support of me by not

going to the party.

[PegNosePete]

From what my current tells me, my ex specifically told JACK not to invite me

Why would you want to go to the party of such a guy, who takes instructions on who to invite and who not to invite from your EX? And why would your current want to go a party that you've specifically been excluded from?

 

It sounds like you and your current need to unfriend Jack and the whole bunch of drama-llamas, frankly.

[garysmith]

My current and Jack are friends. She was never told that she couldn't bring me. But we all run in the same group of circles. He personally invited everyone.

I think in general if anyone gets invited their significant other is automatically invited.

 

When she got invited she asked if I wanted to go. I immediately said no, because him and I aren't really that close and I knew my ex was going to be there. This just wasn't worth the drama. i told her she should go though, no big deal.

 

A few days later JACK mentions to my current that my ex didn't want him to tell me about the party because of the new guy she is bringing and didn't want things to be awkward. That is when I took offense.

 

I think he mentioned it to her so she wouldn't take me. That is just a nice way of saying you can't bring your bf because he is not welcomed.

 

My feeling towards the entire situation is that as soon as she heard that. She should have been like I can't go anywhere he is not invited.

 

We are suppose to be a team. If she wasn't welcome somewhere, I am not welcomed either.

 

I feel like there is no loyalty there.

[ZayKayWill]

Eh I mean what's your main concern? I can definitely understand feeling left out, but your girlfriend has a life of her own. She has every right to go even if you weren't invited. I can see why it feels like she isn't on your side or being loyal, but realistically she's just doing her own thing. If I were you, I would do my best to not be that guy that makes her 'choose sides'. That's just going to set you up for disappointment down the road. I say trust her to make her own life decisions and maybe talk to your ex so things aren't awkward between you guys. I've been in presence with my exes new boyfriends and all was fine. If you both have moved on it shouldn't be hard to be friendly with each other even if the ex is seeing new people.

[garysmith]

ZayKayWill - I would never make her choose sides.

 

We are very clear about needing time to ourselves and doing our own thing once in a while. It is something I really like about her.

 

Like I said in the last post. When the party was originally brought up, i told her I wouldn't go but that she should go. Have even talked about it a few more times after that I told her that she should still go.

 

I think once it became clear I wasn't welcome. That changes things. That is the issue. is not about her going to a party by herself. I am completely ok with that.

 

The issue is just should she go to a party which I am not welcomed at.

 

My main concern is that I think it makes me look bad. I think if she goes to the party. It looks as if I didn't go because my ex is there with a new guy. I think it makes things more obvious since my current is there.

 

I also thinks it makes it seem that I can't handle being in the same room with my ex. My concern with everything is about how things will look. I think this will make me and her look bad.

 

I am the guy who can't go to a party because his ex is there and she is the girl with the bf who can't go to a party cause his ex is there.

 

If she just doesn't go. It looks like we decided to do something else.

Edited January 26, 2018 by garysmith

[ZayKayWill]

So then don't be upset at your girlfriend if she decides to go. Rather be upset at JACK and the ex for not being able to invite you along and put all water under the bridge. Do you feel you would be able to go to the party and still be able to hang out without things getting awkward between you, the ex and her new bf?

[garysmith]

I am very non-confrontational. I think that if i went it would hurt me to see her with another guy.

 

But I into appearances and I wouldn't make myself look bad. I am pretty sure if I went. I would be able to be civil without any issues. I definitely would not make a scene or anything like that.

 

I am also not mad at anyone. I can't be mad at her for not wanting her ex there. This is the first time she is bringing this guy around. So I understand from that front. I also understand JACK as that is his best friend.

I just don't understand why my girl would go after knowing this.

 

I might just be bugging. I wanted to get other peoples perspective on things.

Edited January 26, 2018 by garysmith

[ZayKayWill]

I am very non-confrontational. I think that if i went it would hurt me to see her with another guy.

 

But I into appearances and I wouldn't make myself look bad. I am pretty sure if I went. I would be able to be civil without any issues. I definitely would not make a scene or anything like that.

 

I am also not mad at anyone. I can't be mad at her for not wanting her ex there. This is the first time she is bringing this guy around. So I understand from that front. I also understand JACK as that is his best friend.

I just don't understand why my girl would go after knowing this.

 

I might just be bugging. I wanted to get other peoples perspective on things.

 

One of the most important things in life that people can learn is that, "Just because I feel bad doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong."

 

It sounds like you basically feel a sense of hurt or her 'not taking your side' as maybe a small sense of betrayal? But either way my recommendation would be to not make this about her, but rather about you. Does her going to this party without you really necessarily mean that she doesn't care about or respect you?

[garysmith]

Thank you so much for the response.

What you said makes a lot of sense. I'm not going to bring it up. I think I'm not going to mention it at all. That way she doesn't feel awkward going.

 

Do you think I should just let her know how I felt about the situation after? I kinda feel like I would be making her feel bad for no reason.

 

You think it would be a good idea to tell her something along the lines that Even though I know she did nothing wrong I felt that she shouldn't have gone to the party out of respect for me?

 

We are very honest and speak about everything. I'm also sure she won't take it the wrong way and would be understanding. I'm also aware that there is a thing as oversharing.

Edited January 26, 2018 by garysmith

[ZayKayWill]

Thank you so much for the response.

What you said makes a lot of sense. I'm not going to bring it up. I think I'm not going to mention it at all. That way she doesn't feel awkward going.

 

Do you think I should just let her know how I felt about the situation after? I kinda feel like I would be making her feel bad for no reason.

 

You think it would be a good idea to tell her something along the lines that Even though I know she did nothing wrong I felt that she shouldn't have gone to the party out of respect for me?

 

We are very honest and speak about everything. I'm also sure she won't take it the wrong way and would be understanding. I'm also aware that there is a thing as oversharing.

 

 

 

When it comes to communication with your partner, HOW YOU COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT TO COMMUNICATE is *just* as important as what exactly it is that you want to communicate with her. So, before talking to her, I would very carefully think about what it is you want to talk about or bring up with her, because sadly how you say things has a huge effect in how people perceive what is being said to them.

 

 

You can wait until after the party if you want, but I would get it over with sooner than later if I were you just so you don't have it hanging over your head. If I was in your shoes, I would personally just tell her how it makes you feel that she goes to this party despite you not being invited. BUT at the same time, I would also MAKE SURE to add that that does NOT mean that you are saying that she needs to take your side and not go.

 

 

In all honesty if it were me, I wouldn't even be making it an issue. If it truly bothers you that much that she wasn't loyal to you in whatever way you perceive, you are 100% entitled to telling her how that makes you feel, but you also need to communicate it in a way that she knows that you're not trying to make her feel bad but rather just understand where you're coming from in all this. In all honesty when you first bring it up, she may take it the wrong way, but that's a risk you need to be willing to take...assuming you think it's all worth it.

 

 

That's why I said I personally wouldn't even be making it an issue because ultimately it really isn't. The way I see it, it doesn't sound like they don't want you to go there because they don't like you, but rather just the dynamic at the moment and time would just be a bit....inappropriate I guess. I mean you yourself said it would be a little awkward seeing the ex and her new boyfriend, right? Well...there you go. They probably just didn't want that at the party just for that moment in time. Maybe when you all get to a point when things won't be awkward you'll be able to hang out with each other and there be no problems at all period.