Are some people naturally happier single?

[Lorenza]

Most of us strive to find "love" and associate singlehood with loneliness that has to be cured rather sooner than later. It seems like a lot of people enjoy being single for a while yet still feel that overwhelming longing, like there's a bit of a puzzle that's missing in them. They date, they hope, they take breaks and then restart, until they end up finding someone.

 

I've realized I don't feel that longing. I don't miss having a partner. While other's feel like they're not whole without a significant other, I've never been so alive and so true to myself. I don't miss closeness, I don't miss sex. I'm happy everyday, about the smallest of things. It's fun to go on dates sometimes, I enjoy grabbing a coffee with someone and chat, but I can't imagine taking it any further. Dating has become a social excersize to me, to maintain my people skills.

 

I'm 28 and haven't lived through years of marriage or continuous relationships (my longest one lasted 4 years), but I'm coming to a conclusion that maybe I don't have to.

 

Does anyone feel the same, that they're happier single and there's nothing they miss? Maybe someone's older, single and doesn't regret it? (Or am I slowly becoming a commitment-phoebe?)

[Cookiesandough]

I feel 100% the same. I'm not afraid of commitment. I can make and keep commitments. I'm afraid of making commitments that won't make my life better.

[olivetree]

Based on your posting history, I think when relationships have been painful and anxiety-provoking experiences, it makes sense that you're happier single.

[Chilli]

There are plenty around happier single that just don't want one, l know a few , some in their 50s.

 

There's nothing wrong with that everyone's different . Although l get the feeling with you your just sick of the bs for now and understandably. But whatever that doesn't matter , if your happier single stay single,it's certainly much easier that's for sure.

Your the boss, live how you wanna live.

Good luck.

Edited January 26, 2018 by Chilli

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

(Or am I slowly becoming a commitment-phoebe?)

 

Interesting discussion, Lorenza. One I can relate to. I'm quite a bit older than you (45, female) and HAVE been through a long marriage (and kids), but I feel the same as you, and I'm not sure my age or relationship experience has everything to do with it.

 

I occasionally miss sex and someone who is "my person" but not enough to want a relationship. I mostly just like not having the responsibility to be something for someone else right now. I'm quite content on my own, aside from not having someone to share the bills with and fix the toilet (thanks to YouTube I am pretty sure I'm gonna conquer the latter on my own!).

 

If I dated right now, it would only because of the attention/validation I'd get from someone being interested in me, and that's not at all the right reason to date. I'm never lonely. (I also have a lot of friends and even though I rarely see them in person, we stay in touch a lot via social media, texting, etc.).

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel 100% the same. I'm not afraid of commitment. I can make and keep commitments. I'm afraid of making commitments that won't make my life better.

 

YES. You're a smart cookie, Cookies.

[littleblackheart]

Much happier single. I have kids, have been in the same job for almost 10 years and managed to complete a PhD while working and raising my kids on my own so I have no issue whatsoever with commitment - in fact, I thrive on it.

 

I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met my exH (my first and only 'proper' relationship), he bamboozled me with his (made up) tales of woe and subtle, well devised 'love bombing' and I totally fell for his act. No regrets, I got 2 awesome kids in the bargain.

 

I was all over the place after the divorce, started to re-evaluate my thought processes and believe the whole 'we as humans are meant tobe in a partnership' narrative that are being fed to us against our will 24/7 but I decided to revert back to my natural preferred state, that is being single.

 

I need a huge amount of alone time that is not compatible with being in a relationship and I don't want to impose that on someone. There also are a lot of things in a relationship that would involve giving up a certain amount of independence that I'm not prepared to trade off just for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

I don't really know whether or not I am asexual as such and I do occasionally wonder if I'm missing out, but it's not enough for me to jeopardise my independence.

 

I've had situations in my life where I could have opted to be in a relationship but I chose not to.

 

I'm 43 btw, and I don't regret a thing!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I need a huge amount of alone time that is not compatible with being in a relationship and I don't want to impose that on someone. There also are a lot of things in a relationship that would involve giving up a certain amount of independence that I'm not prepared to trade off just for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

 

I feel this way, too, although I do think it will be "short term" for me. I don't really like the idea of "growing old alone," and I'm a "popular" person in real life, so I don't think that would actually happen, but I do hope I get my groove back after my kids are out of the house and I have fewer responsibilities weighing on me. Right now, my job (I am self-employed), my kids, my house, and my pets are enough for me to be devoted to.

 

My exBF and I were recently having this conversation and he doesn't really get it at all because he's lonely all the time. He did make a good point, though. I said, "I just don't have it in me to be any kind of "helper" to someone right now, to be obligated to make sure I'm there for them." He said, "But then you also miss out on someone being there for you." True enough. But I still don't want the pressure.

[melonmint57]

I can so relate with you on this. I'm also 28-I've had my share of relationships, 4 years being the longest like you. I don't mind occasionally going on a date for some conversation, but I have plenty of social interaction at work, in fact so much that I do cherish my alone time.

 

I'm just an all-around happy, down-to-earth person with no drama. I'm a firm believer in independence and for all parties being able to stand on their own two feet. (I don't need you, I want you because I love you.) At least one guy I've dated had too much pride, and the thought I didn't need him, just killed him. It seems relationships can turn into such a chore and for now I'm happy being single. Could that change? Absolutely! Time will tell.

[littleblackheart]

I feel this way, too, although I do think it will be "short term" for me. I don't really like the idea of "growing old alone," and I'm a "popular" person in real life, so I don't think that would actually happen, but I do hope I get my groove back after my kids are out of the house and I have fewer responsibilities weighing on me. Right now, my job (I am self-employed), my kids, my house, and my pets are enough for me to be devoted to.

 

My exBF and I were recently having this conversation and he doesn't really get it at all because he's lonely all the time. He did make a good point, though. I said, "I just don't have it in me to be any kind of "helper" to someone right now, to be obligated to make sure I'm there for them." He said, "But then you also miss out on someone being there for you." True enough. But I still don't want the pressure.

 

I hear you. I hope you get your groove back!

 

For me, I don't think someone being there for you needs to be someone you're in a relationship with, though - I'm lucky in that I'm very close to my siblings and have a handful of very close friends, so I don't think I'll ever feel lonely (nothing like being with a partner who doesn't care much whether you are dead or alive to be immune to loneliness!).

[callmegm]

It's hard to when you're in a strict somewhat conservative situation. The culture where I grew up in pretty much states that if you're single, you're probably a loser of sorts. Which sucks because what if you're not ready, or what if you just want to have fun, or what if you honestly will never have any interest in dating?

 

It's better to be alone than to be unhappy in a relationship. A lot of people think that being in a relationship will solve all their problems and that's just not true. Most of the time they just end up doubling their problems.

[Lorenza]

 

I was all over the place after the divorce, started to re-evaluate my thought processes and believe the whole 'we as humans are meant tobe in a partnership' narrative that are being fed to us against our will 24/7 but I decided to revert back to my natural preferred state, that is being single.

 

I need a huge amount of alone time that is not compatible with being in a relationship and I don't want to impose that on someone. There also are a lot of things in a relationship that would involve giving up a certain amount of independence that I'm not prepared to trade off just for the sake of being in a relationship.

 

Maybe we humans were meant to be with someone, but that someone doesn't have to be a romantic partner. Seems like being in partnership was much more practical before, when women couldn't provide for themselves. Nowadays we have all the possibilities to be independent. It's not like relationships last anyway.

 

I also need a lot of alone time and other people's habits annoy me to no end. Oh, and I don't ever want to share my bed with another person. Feels like a life-time of undisturbed sleep is a pretty good deal

[1fish2fish]

My ideal situation is to have a partner to do life with but live in separate houses/cabins on the same lot of land. We can have sleepovers.

 

I prefer to live alone and, like you Lorenza, I need a lot of time to myself. No way can I live with someone else again!

 

I've never wanted kids, and now that I'm in my 50's, the questions have pretty much stopped, although one friend did tell me on my 50th birthday that it wasn't too late. Oh, HELL to the NO! lol

[Gr8fuln2020]

I feel 100% the same. I'm not afraid of commitment. I can make and keep commitments. I'm afraid of making commitments that won't make my life better.

 

Absolutely! I believe, given the option, people prefer being in a healthy relationship then that of being single. I am not certain if people are 'happier' being single by default.

[Lorenza]

Absolutely! I believe, given the option, people prefer being in a healthy relationship then that of being single. I am not certain if people are 'happier' being single by default.

 

I don't feel like I want any kind of relationship, even a healthy one. There's just nothing another person can bring into my life that I can't myself (except a double income, but I'm gonna be wealthy enough after I finish my current education and get a job in the field, so it's not a problem). Even a healthy relationship is a lot of work and probably will break apart sooner or later anyways, cause that's just how it is nowadays. It's a risky investment.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't feel like I want any kind of relationship, even a healthy one. There's just nothing another person can bring into my life that I can't myself (except a double income, but I'm gonna be wealthy enough after I finish my current education and get a job in the field, so it's not a problem). Even a healthy relationship is a lot of work and probably will break apart sooner or later anyways, cause that's just how it is nowadays. It's a risky investment.

 

I hear you Lorenza. It often feels that way when one is discouraged. Everything is a risk, but we know that relationships also succeed every day! Relationships, contrary to some, are supposed to be hard work. For now, take a break, but don't close your heart to finding or allowing someone in.

[Cookiesandough]

I also think a lot of people go through a phase where they don't want to take on the responsibilities and efforts of a relationship. Sometimes they change their mind on their own and sometimes they meet someone awesome that changes their mind for them. =) That would be sweet, but I'm fine if it's not a phase and I am perma-single.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[Maggie4]

Lorenza, do you lose interest in dating forums when you no longer want relationships? If you are still interested to talk about dating, that's like a vegetarian visiting the butcher shop.

[Cookiesandough]

I imagine it's like reading true crime for a lot of people. Except scarier.

 

 

Seriously though, interpersonal relationships are just fascinating. Very interesting to me at least.

Edited January 27, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[littleblackheart]

Absolutely! I believe, given the option, people prefer being in a healthy relationship then that of being single. I am not certain if people are 'happier' being single by default.

 

Given the option, I'd still rather be single. The older I get, the more I see my friends in their relationships (the majority being very satisfied with their married life), the less I am interested.

 

Also, being a single mother apparently means I am fair game for being propositioned by married guys at school pick up times, presumably because they think I'm so lonely I'd be grateful for their advances, or maybe they themselves need validation they don't get at home. Not only is it patronising and unflattering, it's also very offputting.

 

There is not one single aspect of being in a relationship that I feel I am missing out on, maybe apart from sex, but even that isn't enough of an incentive to give up my time.

 

I don't know enough about OP to form an opinion as to whether her choice is temporary or long-term (both are fine) but as a general statement, I feel it's important for people to be who they truly are and not let themselves be influenced or pressured by society.

 

Being happy single by default exists, even if it may not be very common.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, do you lose interest in dating forums when you no longer want relationships? If you are still interested to talk about dating, that's like a vegetarian visiting the butcher shop.

 

I don't think it's the same thing. Offering a piece of advice on how to handle a specific situation or expressing an opinion isn't the same as visiting a butcher shop while being a vegetarian (trust me, I'm vegan). Not wanting to be in a relationship doesn't mean you're repulsed by the very thought of it.

 

Besides, if anything, being on these forums only strengthen my aversion to relationships

[Lorenza]

I hear you Lorenza. It often feels that way when one is discouraged. Everything is a risk, but we know that relationships also succeed every day! Relationships, contrary to some, are supposed to be hard work. For now, take a break, but don't close your heart to finding or allowing someone in.

 

Yeah I know, it would be a bit fanatic to completely exclude the possibility of meeting someone, but I will leave to the universe and not try to create more situations that would increase my chances

[Lorenza]

Given the option, I'd still rather be single. The older I get, the more I see my friends in their relationships (the majority being very satisfied with their married life), the less I am interested.

 

Also, being a single mother apparently means I am fair game for being propositioned by married guys at school pick up times, presumably because they think I'm so lonely I'd be grateful for their advances, or maybe they themselves need validation they don't get at home. Not only is it patronising and unflattering, it's also very offputting.

 

There is not one single aspect of being in a relationship that I feel I am missing out on, maybe apart from sex, but even that isn't enough of an incentive to give up my time.

 

I don't know enough about OP to form an opinion as to whether her choice is temporary or long-term (both are fine) but as a general statement, I feel it's important for people to be who they truly are and not let themselves be influenced or pressured by society.

 

Being happy single by default exists, even if it may not be very common.

 

Becoming a mother would probably be the only motivation for me to get with someone. But I'd prefer to be a single mother as well. Did you raise your kids by yourself?

[littleblackheart]

Becoming a mother would probably be the only motivation for me to get with someone. But I'd prefer to be a single mother as well. Did you raise your kids by yourself?

 

Yes, I still do (I sort of have to in any event, as their father isn't really unvolved). I didn't actively set out to have kids, though; my mothering instincts only quicked in when I fell pregnant with my 1st one and got stronger with my 2nd. They're both awesome, so it's worked out well!

 

With that being said, I wouldn't advise getting in a relationship just to have kids, unless you make the guy aware and you choose very carefully based on very solid common ground rules with regards co-parenting.

 

Being a single parent really isn't easy. It may be a different experience if it's your decision from the outset, though.

 

But hey, don't discard anything

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have always been happier single than in any relationship I ever had. I have been trying to date mostly to make my mother happy.

 

I am yet to meet a man that actually improved my life.